Advice is dead so I'll ask here

Hello Holla Forums. Thanks in advance if you read through all of this. I have edited it down as much as possible to make it a quicker read, but there are gratuitous details I have to put in so you really know where I’m coming from. I am looking at how to cut off all contact with my mother, and I feel for me to justify that you must know my story. I will start with my Mother’s history.

She was raised Catholic, and has held onto her beliefs, despite partaking in plenty of things that go against the doctrine. Being a teenager in the 70s she dabbled in a lot of drugs, and has been a heavy marijuana user her whole life. She moved across the country to get away from her first failed marriage, got knocked up by my father, and had my older sister. They became married, as couples often do for insurance reasons. My Mom claims she loved him, but my Dad was in a rebound from a divorce, and already had a son. He was in deep depression over the situation, and I don’t think my Mom had the heart to put him through it again right away.

7 years later I was born. From ages 1-5 my mom was very kind and loving with me. When I was 5 my older sister was diagnosed with brain cancer, which meant uprooting the family to go to an area with better medical care, and the entire process bankrupted us. I started to become mostly ignored at this point by both my parents, usually silenced by receiving a new toy or video game.

My sister recovered from brain cancer just fine, but is around 70% blind, making her life difficult and an extreme chore to deal with. She's also remained incredibly immature, in a sickening child like way. When she entered middle school she began getting bullied quite often. Already having been home schooled while she was in recovery, my Mom opted to pull both of us out of school for fear of people being mean to us. I was 6 when this happened, and had only been in public school for about a year and a half. My education plummeted. My mother was buying me school work books from Walmart, which were better for use as supplementary material on top of real text books. My mother quit working to home school us, and they could only afford real text books for my sister.

My mother decided to spend her days not schooling us, but watching soap operas, cleaning the house and smoking a ton of pot. I was delegated to my room, being told to study when I hadn’t even been to school long enough to have a foundation of good habits. Each year usually ended with a push from my mother to finish up the books she had bought me for the year. It didn’t matter that I learned anything, just that the work was done. My dad worked 8 to 12 hour days for the post office to support all of us.

Due to our bankruptcy we were moving from rent house to rent house. This usually meant I shared a room and bed with my sister. When I was 6, we stayed up late one night and she spent hours explaining what sexual intercourse was to me. This eventually lead into a “Game” where we would strip and then she would make me dry hump her. No penetration ever happened. She convinced me to give her oral sex once. This continued for a year, only stopping after my sister made an offer for full penetration. I got uneasy and at that point the advances stopped. I am pretty disgusted with her, as she continues to act like it all never happened. I'm unable to take any sisterly love from her as innocent. I didn't tell anyone that it had happened until I was an adult.

Life was uneventful for awhile. Moving on to high school, I was given the same kind of test-by-mail schooling my sister had used, which was incredibly difficult for me to grasp due to the poor foundation I had. My Mom continued to sit on the other end of the house, watching TV and smoking pot. I developed a liberal political view due to my musical tastes, which clashed with my mother’s conservative, Fox News watching Christian fundamentalism. Cliché, I know, but these are the facts.
The problem is, I was never vocal about my disapproval. This was difficult, growing up where she outwardly worshiped God as I became an atheist, bashed gays while I discovered I was bisexual, and this would happen on a daily basis. What little love my mother showed me in my younger days was eroded in my mind as I saw her bigotry. She outwardly hated me without knowing it, and she still doesn’t know.

Now I have to talk real quick about my father. He was an aspiring musician growing up that had his dreams dashed by the responsibility he put himself in when he knocked up my mother. He immediately buckled down and started working as much as he could cuz’ it’s what he had to do. A long lasting depression from this, coupled with nerve damage in his back lead to him abusing Vicodin in my teen years. It made everything worse. My mother lost any sexual interest in him, and he began cheating on her. He mostly kept it out of the house at least, but one fourth of July weekend he mixed his Vicodin and alcohol and felt up one of my Mom’s friends.

A few weeks later, my mother came to me and told me “You’re almost 18, so we’re gonna get a divorce.” This floored me, as I didn’t know there were problems before this point. Having lost what little normalcy I had in my family freaked me out. I tried to keep out of it, as I was following in my father’s footsteps as a musician, practicing every day with the hopes of getting into a band. A friend offered me up as a replacement in a blues band. I was 18 playing in a band of 40+ year old men, so it was really awkward and not quite my thing. But I wanted to make my Dad proud, because he played blues.

It came time that I had a show to play, and him and my mother were in the deepest midst of their fighting. My mother left the state to live with friends for about a month, and the fighting only worsened when she returned. The night before my first gig, my Dad was watching my practice session when my Mom called him to argue. He went home, incredibly upset. I don’t know what the fight was about, but my Dad told me when I got home he wouldn’t go to the show. I was really unsure of how to respond to any of this, so I just said okay. The morning when I left he hugged me and told me he loved me. When I came home, I found he had shot himself. I never read his suicide note, but my mother did say it had some “hateful things in it.”
The next few weeks after his death was spent with my mother explaining how he had cheated on her and had another child with a waitress, how he had “kept her locked up in the house all the time” despite it obviously being her choice to not work and smoke pot all day. She was very quick to lay on the manipulation, painting my father as poorly as she could, when he was the spark for why I was a musician and very inspirational to me. Now, I don’t suspect my mother of killing my father, as she was at the show with me when he died, but she was quite the opportunist.

Good
Kill yourself

Six months after this she decided she would buy a new house with my Dad’s life insurance policy. The first spot she looked at had three properties on it, and she decided that it was perfect cuz’ I could live in my own spot, my sister in another and her in the third. At this time my memories of what she had done to me were coming back, making me very irritable as I didn’t know how to tell my Mother what had happened. The houses were in bad shape too. They had been used by squatters for who knows how long, but it was cheap and she thought if I helped her she could fix them. She of course didn’t tell me she expected my involvement. She seemed very gung-ho about having a housing project and I just wanted her to be happy after everything she told me about my dad.

I was immediately resistant to the construction as I found out how awful everything was. Without every little detail, just imagine the most derelict, nearly condemned building, and your mom just keeps going “It’ll be okay, it’ll fix up!” My resistance upset my Mom, and I didn’t understand why. It was her project; she should work on it or hire help. I ended up living at our old house for about 4 months by myself, which I greatly enjoyed. A heavy windstorm busted my bedroom window, and because of that my Mom refused to let me stay there, claiming she wasn’t gonna pay for the window to be fixed. I moved into the hobbled and she continued to pressure me to help her fix the properties, which I was able to ignore by going to work full time.

One morning I called in sick. She came in and asked me to go buy her a pack of soda before work. When I told her I wasn’t going cuz’ I was sick, she kicked me in the back. She told me to quit being lazy or to go to the doctor.
I drove off and cried in a parking lot for a while, everything hitting me at once and how at this point I was ready to abandon my mother for all that had happened. I went to back home to begin packing. My friends all showed up to help, my mother screaming and throwing my things in anger. One friend called the police to get her to calm down, which she is still angry at me to this day that cops were called to her house. I stayed with a friend for six months, coming back at Christmas when living with my friend turned into an equally horrible situation.

This is when I told her that my sister had sexually molested me, as it was 50% of why I left. I had been planning to tell her around the time dad died, but I didn’t want to pile on pain. However, due to the amount of time that had passed, there wasn’t much we could do. However, my sister is still able to live on the property my Mom owns and is still invited over for holidays. This is especially sickening to me, as my Mom has condemned other child molesters in the family to the nth degree, but she treats my sister as if it never happened.

I and my mother remained on eggshells for the next year until I finally moved out again. In this year my best friend came out to me as transgener, offering a relationship with me. I accepted and it has been amazing. But, of course, that’s another thing to hide from my bigoted mother. Keeping her at a distance I thought me and her were getting better. I’d only go to see her once a week, sometimes less, and it felt okay. Now last week she broke both her ankles. I had to abruptly move back in to take care of her, and have been quickly reminded of every single little thing that upsets me about her.

She told me she doesn’t blame me, but summed up that it’s my fault that she bought the three shitty houses. Cuz’ she thought I wanted it. Because I told her, in my attempts to encourage her and make her happy, that it was okay to buy the place. She thought she was “gonna save me from the struggles of life” by me fixing all of her property for free, followed up by me paying rent and utilities on one of the buildings. It was at this point I was so infuriated that I felt it’s time I just leave. Beyond these statements she has been really laying it on about how much she needs me, and I want nothing to do with the emotional manipulation anymore. She constantly talks about how I am the only of use to her anymore, now that my Dad has died and my sister is mostly blind after the cancer.

And so finally, with all this said, I ask, how in the world do I cut her off completely? Do I explain to her everything she doesn’t know about me that I know she hates? How I feel about how she’s treated me my entire life? I hadn’t felt so angry in such a long time, and I realized that I think all negativity in my life comes from her. I can’t stand it, and I want it to end. What should I do?

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(assuming you haven't been lying or exaggerating)

Your mom is entirely narcissistic. Your choices are to let her keep leeching off of you or to stop. It's pretty simple. Your Mom is trading in the Mommy card to keep using you. Allow it or don't. But I can promise one thing: she'll never, ever change.

Stop talking to her, stop going to her place. If you're worried that she'll die: she won't. Manipulative people have a knack at finding providers, just make sure it isn't you.


No. She won't. If she really, truly doesn't love you, she won't come to you. If she does come to you, then congratulations, you now have the upper hand against her and what you don't like against her, and now YOU can get what you want from HER.

Kill yourself degenerate fedorafag

This is bad advice: she's a manipulator. She was literally doing it since before you were a twinkle in your dad's eye. You can't out-manipulate her. You can't use her. That's her game and she's better at it than you'll ever be.

You should probably think about your life.

Best advice you're gonna get OP.


I'm not a Christian.

Thank you for the serious replies. I'm having trouble letting go, even though I hate her so much. So many people tell me "but it's your Mom" and it's hard to get past that. I don't know if I should just start ignoring her or somehow tell her all of what she's inadvertently done to me. Maybe telling her I'm what she hates so much would just make her disown me?

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Stop going over to her house for one thing. You're just going to have to go cold turkey on her.

Write up the painful things and other stuff that annoys you about her on a big piece of paper, cardboard or the like. If she ever rings you and asks for stuff, look at that chart again.

She will make you feel guilty and try to make you pity her. But pity is a horrible basis for a relationship. Both my parents pitied their first spouses to a degree and those marriages were awful, because they sure as shit don't appreciate or reciprocate the feeling. If your mother is as manipulative and narcissistic as you say, she won't reciprocate, either.

Your mother's job was to provide for you and be someone you could depend on as you grew up. It's possible her history has had a bad impact on her and that she doesn't try to be bad, but anyone with a bad history eventually has to take responsibility for themselves. She needs to learn this and so do you. If you don't, you risk falling into the same pattern yourself, using your early life as an excuse for various things while never progressing. Well, in your case it's more your mother holding you back now, but you get the idea.

tl;dr: Stop interacting with her and DO NOT give into any manipulation or offer pity that will not be appreciated.

Making her disown you might not be a bad idea, all things considered. She doesn't want to see the consequences of her behaviour, she shouldn't get any reward for it, either.

Thank you. Even though it's four posts, the amount of verification I'm getting is helping a lot. It's hard to believe that you should do such things to family, even when it's this bad, y'know. Just gotta build up the courage to cut her out now, I think.

/thread
OP's a drama queen that will play the victim his entire life just like his mother.

She'll disown you if she thinks it will give her guilt points to use later. Stop thinking in terms like that. (again I'm assuming you're not exaggerating) She isn't following her emotions, she's doing what gives her the most leverage.

also OP, you need to stop making excuses. Let your balls drop and do what you think is right. You're a fag, say you're a fag. You said you have a full time job, so just take care of yourself and be happy. For Cracky's sake don't blame your mother for your own decisions. Own your shit.

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Look user, I ain't reading all of that, but if you're financially stable you should skip town, don't be held back by your gf, there are other fish in the aea.