Why shouldn't I fucking off myself

Hey comrades
I've been falling apart lately and can't get a grip/find solace in anything. I have no friends, and very seldom had friends in my childhood, so my ability to meet people or generally socialize is shit. I can talk about a topic so long as its academic in nature - beyond that I'm pretty fucked. Bullied too, not much but enough to make it extremely difficult to stand up for myself. I can't even bring myself to tell my roommate to pick up after himself, or just the simplest things, I'm a total shut in. He hates me cus I "talk behind his back," which amounts to complaining about the shit he does to some dumb broad in my club cus Im too chicken shit to just tell him.
My dad never cared to get to know me, and I hardly know him. For the most part through my childhood he was just some guy who would leave for work early in the morning and come back before dinner, then do some more work/do his own thing. When my parents first found out I was suicidal he sternly asked what is it, not as if he was seriously concerned - it sounded more like I was taking his time.
My sole source of value in life came from teachers, as my parents wanted me to get good grades like the fate of the world depended on it. Currently have a 4.0 studying philosophy, but my heart still sinks like the fucking Lusitania whenever a prof criticizes me, or just says I need improvement. I don't want to feel like a child but I end up with a frog in my throat and holding back tears.
Seen 7-8 therapists, all of which were fucking morons who at best recommended drugs I didn't want to take. Got sent to the psych ward once for being a potential threat to myself even tho I was talking to the therapist about getting rid of the thoughts, as I had (at the time at least) firmly decided not to kill myself and the thoughts were just getting tedious.

Idk I fucking hate my life, nothing redeeming has come of it. Oh sure la dee fucking da I know some shit about history, philosophy, and all the other crap thats supposed to make me value myself as a "cultivated human being." I'm so fucking tired, I want to just talk to people, or be able to, or just not care. But I have no idea, you don't just know the right thing to do and do it, I don't want to hear how I should just pull myself up, I WANT FUCKING HELP GODDAMMIT, I WANT ANOTHER PERSON TO ACTUALLY LISTEN

tl;dr blog post, I wasnt raised well and dont want to hear jackshit about willpower you faggot, go ahead and delete this cus its not like I talk to anyone here anyways

Other urls found in this thread:

lacanonline.com/index/find-a-lacanian-psychoanalyst/
twitter.com/SFWRedditGifs

You probably should, you are human failure. It's however not your fault, but falut of your parents not beating and loving you enough. And social alienation.

I would like to give you some advice, but I need to hear a bit more. Can you name at least a three positives on you? How do you spend free time?

This was pretty much me for most of my time as an undergrad, except my grades in my major were shit and I knew my dad but he was an asshole. I'm marginally better now. I have a couple of friends, and I feel happy a few times a year. It was medication that helped. It sucks to come to terms with the fact that you're so broken that you need drugs to even not want to die, but you get over it.
I can't tell you why you shouldn't kill yourself. Maybe convince yourself that you're used to the misery of being alive, but being dead could be worse.

First thing first, It may very well be you should kill yourself. It is, of course, your own responsibility and decision.

In general, people need to take responsibilities for themselves, and understand other people's agenda.

Like, really, stop talking behind your roommate's back, apologize to him and talk to his face.

I sympathise pretty hard fam. A lot of what you say resonates with me and while i haven't been involved with psych/therapists at all since i haven't had pronounced suicidal thoughts (or at least ones people knew about) i still sympathise.
I broke through a lot of my issues when i stopped attaching my self-worth to my academic performance which i always excelled at till i failed badly and disappointed everyone including myself. I briefly felt horrible and got through it because i realised that i shouldn't care so much about stuff like that and i have self-worth and will to live all on my own. I also got a bf and for the first time i had goals in life other than just going along with everything. I may well be tying my self-worth to someone else now and if he were to go maybe i'd really end it all but for now i'm the happiest i've been in years and want to make a life for him and myself.
I mean i can't really tell you not to kill yourself, i can't deny you that and had you killed yourself i almost certainly wouldn't have noticed, but if you want to live and be happy you could try finding something or someone you want to care for, whether its a cute gf/bf or another calling having that may be all you need to turn things around in the first place.

Not exactly sure what you mean. I like to teach, so I feel my knowledge of philosophy is mildly useful. Im told im funny, i guess. I like art, enough to talk about it or explain some things to people. Used to be into making movies and writing songs (i play guitar and can sorta sing), but I stopped filming awhile back and I can't keep myself in practice, like Ill go a month without playing then come back super inspired, just to crash in another few months.

lacanonline.com/index/find-a-lacanian-psychoanalyst/

I definitely have a drug problem. Nothing to write home about, just used to smoke weed everyday. If I have access to alcohol I drink everyday. I've been trying to wean myself away, because I enjoy having a clear mind, but sometimes its hard to care. At least haven't smoked lately, and dont plan to anytime soon
Ive lived with this mentality for awhile. The the most part I havent died cus I dont want to be some selfish asshole who makes his entire family just as miserable

This is actually like fucking terribly depressingly normal. Everyone else is feeling shit. I felt this way through high-school, some people feel this way their whole life. You have nothing to lose, try talking to someone and making friends, it might be awkward at first but people are going through the same shit. Talk to whoever isn't talking to other either, they're probably going through it too. I try to do that, to force myself to say at least one thing to try a conversation with whoever I can when I'm standing around awkwardly like a loser. Don't off yourself, you feeling bad clearly means you value life and feel bad that you miss the parts of it. Therapists are dogshit, to be honest, especially seeing as how they make money from your life still being shit and you returning to them, people you enjoy being around that you can talk to are the real therapeutic force. It's ok comrade, everyone is going through this shit, or something close.

Those are all wonderful qualities. What about your body(read:are you fat)? What do you usually eat? Do you have any physical activity?

I guess since you are student you don't have much spare income, right? What do you do for fun?

Do you take any drugs? Either illegal or from psychologists.

I see the drug question answered

If you're in a neo-liberal hell, work some customer service, it'll teach you to socialize better or do a few months in telemarketing. They will teach you manipulation tactics and give you some good ennui, you'll become so disgusted at the way people are being used while you try and shill a website to a drunk locksmith you'll become ☭TANKIE☭. Look most people are interesting, just not on the surface. Asking about peoples day to days and what current struggles they are having is the best way to get to actually know someone. You may never make a "real" connection because you are prolly to existentialist and or narcissistic. Which is fine, a hug from a friend or a naughty night with an SO is still far more meaningful than chasing after some idealized person.

Last thing, just like you want to be listened to so do other people. It's give and take no way you make it. If you're going to be a commie then you better figure out on how to talk to people.

I guess I could actually try to "just do it," you're right as far as having nothing to lose. The real challenge is mustering the "courage" or whatever you want to call it to simply approach another person, from there things play themselves out for the most part it seems


Not fat, kinda skinny? I eat well, parents work in the medical field so its at least one thing they did right (ie teaching me how to take care of myself). I rarely exercise, really prefer to get physical activity in through labor of some sort. for the last month I worked in a wood shop, which felt nice (mild gains, but gains nonetheless, and through work!)

For fun I read, or drink and watch film

interesting, thats encouraging. Ive entertained the thought of being that guy on campus, who just randomly approaches people and has a real heartfelt conversation, but I doubt I could actually pull it off

Do it, I like to talk to homeless people. One of them gave me free weed. If you aren't a dumbass and act non-threatening and generally interested in people they aren't going to attack you. Most people at their core just want another human to acknowledge them and justify their existence. Well guess what a thread of people just acknowledged you. This is the reasons I think American-Libertarianism is bullshit. Sure were all individuals but you still fell loneliness and you still want community. I did some solitary for 72 hours for speeding tickets. Was the most madness in my life. You're a human, you need people. The castaway built a boat off the island despite being the ultimate individual. Because face it, it's other people that make things interesting and you only want to be interesting to other people.

This, I'm sort of glad I worked for a corp (customer service, but marketing within it as well), just to become redpilled about life.

OP there are some cooler risks to take over suicide.
If everything goes to shit i for one plan to work at some shithole job till i can buy a motorcycle, and see how long i can travel the country surviving on whattever oportunity shows up. This while drinking the juice is always still an option.

I fucking wish I had the ability to seriously consider offing myself as easily as you do, weak sauce. I would have been long dead by now, possibly at rest and at peace.

Combine all of that with grave poverty, work so stressful it destroys my health with no benefits, a disabled, dysfunctional family that hates each other but all relies on me for their daily bread and utilities, cluster headaches that last for months and feel like someone taking an acid-coated crowbar to the hinges of my skull, looks like the neckbeard meme, actual autism and potentially tons of other mental disorders like schizophrenia or alters, a gum disease that makes my teeth break despite my best efforts, and the only person I ever loved cucked me, psychologically tortured me and ate my fucking soul.

I wish death was so easy. But it's not - they say you cannot experience things in dreams that have not happened to you. Well I've been chopped in half, disemboweled, shot in the face, stabbed a hundred times in my dreams….and I never actually died. I just laid there, eternally aware of my own corpse and surroundings. Death is not an escape. Even when you grind a body up into meat, the meat still is aware of what is happening to it. You want to live it up now, because when you die, you don't get to experience a void, or heaven, or anything beyond becoming a spectator of what happens to your flesh. If you thought life was meaningless now, just you wait until you die.

There is no death, there is only life and spectation of life. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

That's what you get for dating heathen girls. Pic related.

@OP Sounds like you need community most of all. I'd suggest a church but joining a local socialist club would work too I guess.

Well, if so, you can just dump them.

You cannot see, hear or feel without organs and nerves responsible for it, so even if there is no death, you will actually spectate the void.

...

Thanks a lot for your words. There are plenty of homeless people here, Im considering going for walks and saying hi to the people I meet along the way, especially those pushing their carts or keeping their heads down. Probably will be difficult at first, but I hear theyre the ones most eager/happy to have someone talk to them. If anything, if that goes downhill Ill at least have an interesting story or two to approach others about.
again, thanks user. nice to get kinda close to talking with another person, even if its just over some imageboard

Can you program?

Everyone feels like shit in late stage capitalism. This is probably the shittiest time to be a young person entering the workforce, especially compared to boomers and gen X.

I can't think of anything uplifting or degrading to say so here's some cute commie seals.

As was mentioned itt go to a lacanian, some user here to one for a few sessions and reported back positive experience. It wasn't even that expensive.


lol every time someone asks for help ☭TANKIE☭s are the first to encourage it. Don't listen to him OP, if you wanna die at least kill a few porkies on the way. Be the stepping stone of the revolution.

dude go to socialist stuff. Most of it will be ineffective and not very leftist but god damn can you meet people and mostly everyone is some brand of weirdo so you'll be chill

It's adult talk, anarchiddie, maybe you'll understand it someday.

Well, I struggle with many of those things myself, and I'm not entirely over them so I'm not sure how valuable my advice is, but here it is.

First, I think you should give any sort of therapy and medication that you haven't tried a go. I avoid medication simply because I can't afford it, but every troubled person I know that does medication has gotten better with them.

Second, when it comes to not having anything to talk to people about, not knowing how to carry a conversation and not knowing how to make friends, I'd first recommend you to write down a list of topics and hobbies that are relatively "popular" and could give you some common ground with people around you. When you have that, try to figure out the nuts and bolts of each one online and see if it interests you. You'll have to force it at first, but once you know the basics mechanics of things they stop looking so alien to you, and you'll be more engaged. And if you're able to turn those into one of your own interests, that can go a long way in helping you interact with people. Just being into retarded shit like the right sports, weightlifting, DIY stuff, martial arts, yoga, traveling and so on gave me a lot of conversation material, and it's particularly useful before you become friends with people and you're still trying to get used to each other's presences.

If you already do that/when you get that figured out, you should give a lot of podcasts a go. If your conversation skills really stink then hearing people have good conversations will be helpful, as with time you'll subconsciously model your own style of telling stories, bringing up topics, asking questions, making jokes and so on after theirs. Go after podcasts that will give you a broader knowledge of those new hobbies/interests and teach you how to articulate older ones in an engaging fashion, and go after general talk shows like O&A. Don't let a certain initial resistance to the hosts' personalities and views keep you away from the shows, learn to overcome those and become interested in what they say even if they don't seem agreeable to you at first.

And then there's just practice. Anything you can do to force you to talk to people will help. Every weakness we have is just a question of systematically exposing ourselves to things that challenge them until we become better. If you train a weak muscle into discomfort a few days a week, it will get stronger. If you expose yourself to situations that are uncomfortable to you a few days a week, you'll get used to it and better at dealing with it. Never ignore or pretend you didn't see people you know, always force a small talk, don't let long periods of silence into your conversations, look people in the eye, have a good body language. When it comes to taking the next step and making friends, pay attention to your surroundings and try to be in touch with places to go and events to attend, and always be the first one to come up with something. If you're kind, talkative, if you take initiative and let people feel that you appreciate their presence, they'll probably like you back. And those who don't, although it may suck at first with time you'll learn to dismiss them and not let that ruin your self-worth.

(cont.)

Third, I think this is the same approach you should have with not being able to stand up for yourself. Usually, this is something that, I think, has its origins in several different fears. If a person has, say, a reflexive fear of physical altercation, then as soon as the possibility is there you'll choke completely and back down. If a kid is too shy to ask something out loud in a classroom, then any sort of public confrontation with many eyes on them will paralyze them out of fear. If someone grows up with an aggressive authoritarian parent, then just someone raising their voice to them might be enough to force them into a reflexive submissive state of mind. You just have to figure out where your weaknesses are, from social anxiety to physical weakness, and focus on them. You can only change your instinctive responses through habit and repetition, and you can only stop those fearful responses by exposing yourself to what you fear. As pathetic as it sounds, I think any former bullied kid with social anxiety and bad parents who was able to overcome the scars will tell you how significant the small things were: the first time they were able to stand up to their parents, the first time they confronted people over something, their first public lecture, etc. In my case, I was so terrified of people's judgement that I honestly remember how good it felt when I was able to have a conversation on my cellphone in a crowded public transport, or when I was no longer the first to look away during those staredowns with people you don't know. It starts with the small things, you just have to be able to identify that your inner fears and anxieties are manifesting themselves in all sorts of ways, and you have to stop it from taking over. If there's physical aggression in your past, take up a non-meme combat sport like boxing or BJJ. Before you sign up to a place, look up the instructor's fighting record, and choose a place where you'll be sparring, and where you'll have the option to do so with bigger, more experienced dudes. A few of those will kick the fear out of you.

Sorry for the TL;DR I'm just writing stuff that worked for me.

...

You should.

Also this, though.

A highly intelligent individual… self-depreciating… high in conscientiousness… bucko, what you need is to sort yourself out, have you cleaned your room? It's clear you didn't have a male figure in your life so let help you with that, for a small fee you can get your life back on track over at www.selfauthoring.com

This is probably the closest thing I ever made to something useful.

You sound a lot like me, wanna chat privately on Discord?

Why do you go to therapists? Go to a lacanian analyst.

Checks out

What's wrong with this?

I understand you don't want to hear wholesome crap about willpower, but there's a reason it's such a meme among people who give motivational speeches and shit. I can assure you that 3-4 years back, I was absolutely shit at socializing, didn't understand the basics of holding a conversation, wasn't able to make any friendships, felt extremely insecure and was quickly dismissed as an awkward loser by basically everyone I met. But it had started to disturb me and from that moment on I really did efforts at learning to socialize properly. And it's just a fact that practicing, as well as imitating the social behavior of others will make you better at it over time. Nowadays I'm still not Chad or anything but i have enough friends, feel confident at talking to new people, have had sex with two girls and went on travels with friends as well as solo travels where I enjoyed socializing with strangers. I was absolutely sceptical to any of these things happening a couple years back, but in the end it actually was willpower (no matter how hopeless and depressed I usually felt) that got me where I am now.
You're free to dismiss any of this as feel good bullshit but I honestly want to help you as good as I can. I suppose your situation is worse than mine ever was, since i never was suicidal or saw therapists, but on a basic level I think I can relate. I know nothing I type here will magically cure you completely and hope you don't take it as if I'm minimalizing your troubles.
If I had to list some basic advices to become less insecure and better at socializing it would be:
Hope any of this can help you comrade.