Just finished reading Keynes; why the fuck do rightists think this guy was a socialist...

What did you actually read? The General Theory? Collected Essays? (This is quite important, since Keynes 1926 is very different to Keynes 1944)
To answer the question:
rightists are stupid. insofar as they read, they read Hayek and continue being stupid. defining socialism as any-and-all government intervention gives a convenient unifying point for the right, even if it's nonsense, since it lets them group basically anyone not "on their side" under one banner.
gonna need a source
oddly unqualified statement. On the one hand, yes, Keynes was not a central planner - but on the other if you look at his response to The Road to Serfdom for example, he writes that the necessary response in the postwar world is not less planning but more.
don't necessarily dispute this but interested in where you got the idea
i mean, he was an economist.

he was also not entirely wrong to call Marxism dull, though consensus in the economic community would appear to be that those who write The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money shouldn't throw stones.

Suck my dick

Brainlets like you should just be banned on sight

...

Are you daft?

Because Keynes advocated government whatever and government whatever = GOMMUNISMS

So where did Keynes argue for that?

He doesn't overtly argue for it, I perhaps should've worded things better, but the guy's two primary motivations were to crush the Unions and to maintain the free market.

The General Theory.

As far as I'm concerned he argues that we ought to have an impotent government that would do nothing but, through tax and spending policies, maintain the equilibrium of the free market. That's essentially a right-wing Conservative position.

Oh, and as for the "big government" issue, the only reason he has that reputation is because He was in favor of budget deficits during contraction. This ignores that he was only in favour of deficits under certain conditions, and favoured budget surpluses during boom periods.

Hardly the epitome of a guy who supports "big government", which is what rightists claim.