AIDE: Mr. President, welcome to your first day in office. Here's your briefing.
POUS: That inauguration was so good, it was so great.
AIDE: Indeed, Mr. President, indeed it was. I know some who'll enjoy it even more.
POUS: Oh this briefing - it's so good, it's so great. I like this hellfire missile, so sleek, so yuge, but can we rename it?
AIDE: Indeed, you can. But, first, we need to meet some… associates.
POUS: Is it Putin? I love Putin. Great guy. He's a real leader.
AIDE: They're… associates of Putin too.
POUS: Oh? Is it Chy-na?
~the aide opens a steel hatch from underneath the Lincoln memorial, green light spills out in all directions, and an ungodly mist rises~
POUS: Oh, that's great. So ominous, so esoteric.
~quickly, the president travels down the ladder, without use of feet, but rather swings down with his strong arms~
AIDE: *puff* You're so quick, Mr President. As if… as if, you were genetically modified to be perfect in every single aspect of yourself.
POUS: Hey, some people were just born better, folks. Sad to say.
AIDE: Of course. Now if you'll follow me down this dark tunnel, which is rattling with strange machinery that I daren't wonder the origin of.
Yes, here we are now: a portentous door with seemingly ancient symbols etched into it. Right this way.
POUS: Where's these associates? Did you read Art of the Deal? I know how to negotiate, I'm gonna be so good, gonna be so, so great.
ASSOCIATE: C'mordea P'tui'n Scia'le'tic-Ed Xarm Sa'do Pa's Y'rtoskt.
POUS: So it was Chy-na?
AIDE: Mr President, would you please insert this slim, black device that is not unlike a Bluetooth - if not for the green light emanating from what seems to be nowhere.
POUS: That's so easy. You kidding me? Watch me.
ASSOCIATE: Luka'ks Kuen Br-… Now that you have your 4th universal translator, our talks may commence. I am Posadia, Eternal Leader of my planet's Trotskyist newspaper. We have been trying to sell you our paper for some time now–more than two centuries–but there's been some language barriers. This made me, and the rest of my Trotskyite reading group, decide to adopt "entryism" through your world's leadership.
POUS: Y-you mean this is all a sham? But a fool's play that distracts the masses, choosing between the better of two puppets–one red and one blue?
ASSOCIATE: I'm afraid so. Don't worry though, our intentions are pure, and we have dialectics on our side. You recall a thinker by the name of Marx. No?
POUS: Evil guy. 4 billion dead. Terrible analysis. Did he ever read Foucault?
ASSOCIATE: He was our child. Born in a jar somewhere, in a cold star system, to be plopped in the middle of human civilization at the crest of your destructive capitalism.
POUS: You mean?
ASSOCIATE: Yes. Trotsky, Posadas, Rosa, Mao, Lenin… all ours. Even you, Donald. You are our latest tool: Accelerationist.
POUS: M-mother? Hug me.
ASSOCIATE: Now. Now. Child, don't cry. Only strength now.
~a shadow appears, seemingly from nowhere at all, behind the cuddling species~
BERNIE: You fucking Trots. You racist, sexist fucks.
ASSOCIATE: *hisses* social democracy is reactionary!
BERNIE: *unsheathing his katana, and raising it above his head, he moves forward like a mantis* I'll destroy you. The people's will shall never be overcome. Not even by advanced, alien revisionists such as yourself.
POUS: NO! PROTECT ME, MOTHER!
BERNIE: You fucking racist. *cuts down Donald in one motion, his body collapses into a mass of goo* -HA! Just as I thought. A fucking plant. We'd kill FBI plants like that back in the 70s.
ASSOCIATE: What have you done, Sanders? You fool! First you killed Luxemburg! Now this! Guards, seize him by any means.
SANDERS: Oh, no, you don't. HYUH! *with seamless ease he slices through the commies and lands the blade into the Broodmare's large, conical head* Accelerationism is never the answer. We humans, however flawed, will find our own way. We will stumble and we will fail, but we will rise up and try over and over until we prevail. You Trots sicken me, with all your "theory" and "praxis" that is so alienated (he winks at this pun) from the working class. Leave now. Leave our planet. And take your thermonuclear missiles with you. Leave us to make our own way. To be forced and brutalised in the search of communism completely destroys the purpose.
~the world over applauds at Comrade Sanders' speech, he is declared Chairman of the World, where he rules as a fair, democratic ruler until his death in 2356.~