Salty Souls released for PC

Is it good?

for that i'd rather play the h-game ripoff

Mega upload where?

it's clearly shit but is it worth obtaining to waste time

It's probably better than DaS3 at least.

Probably better than Bloodborne even

I know it plays like a souls game. But my question is, does the game give a SOULSLIKE™ EXPERIENCE®?

I hate the term Soulslike.
I like the games and I hate what they have produced.

Is it any good? Despite the obvious Souls-like™ Experience™ they were going for, I want to know if it's worth to pirate.

SOULSLIKE
O
U
L
S
L
I
K
E

...

Seems pretty alright for an "Inspired" game. I'd give it a Pirate/10 at worst.

Your sister is sucking my cock while I type this post, you're the only cuck around here.

cool thumbnail onii-fam

hey vaati

ever noticed how the words vaati and shill have both 5 letters?

coincidence?

I THINK NOT

someone fucking post the webm already
you know what I'm talking about

got you fam :^)

Thanks fam

Fuck off nigger.

Thanks for reminding me to yarr it, OP.

...

wut?

Eh, if it was shill i'd try to defend it, call it cool game, etc.
The only purpose of this thread is like "hey, some game released" and fuck off wait for torrent. Don't forget to check 'em.

(checked)

WE
BASED PIKEMAN OF ST. ANDREW
ALBA GU BRATH AND SHIET

Well, at least it isn't isometric dark souls. Disgusting.

Still more official and better-looking souls games than I can play before getting bored, so this is completely pointless.

THE DARK SOULS OF 2D PLATFORMERS

Indie games were a mistake.

Have you not seen the 2D Ornstein & Smough?

Everyone did, the developers of this game definitely did. Same as the 2D side-view one with iron golem, I think.
It'd play like shit.

...

thanks

What is the name of that 2d h-game again? It actually looked fun.

Hrm, I'm not sure I understand thisvideo, is this game going to be soulslike? Will it really feel like a souls game?

Demon's sperm

What the fuck, I told you not to tell my brother! You piece of shit!

How is lords of the fallen anyways? I have to download it for my brother and I wonder if I'll get any enjoyment out of it. I got enjoyment out of 2 in spite of flaws so I guess my standards are pretty low

Eh I liked it, its pretty mediocre though

igg

Shut up and get back under the desk.

huh?

Huh, never heard of the site before but it is there. Nice, where did that thing come from?

I don't know what IGG is, do you have any good game torrent sites? All the ones I used to use are dead now cause of the copyright kikes.

thanks user.

Torrent where/when?

Check the share threads famoogles.

igg-games.com/salt-and-sanctuary-free-download.html

And here is the torrent one
gamestorrent.co/salt-and-sanctuary.html

I can't tell if you're all baiting or not.

Have you gone numb and blind? I still have my phone, moron.

S-sorry…

I hope I'm not too late.

Fucking why…

Why didn't they just port Dishwasher Samurai to PC instead of making this shlock?

I was asking if the guy knew where the site came from, as I'd never heard of it before.

I honestly have no idea, but it's legit. I've downloaded from it before.

magnet:?xt=urn:btih:e9057ae3b900ea5d4a77e2d61d8bf585d876b99c&dn=IGG-Salt.and.Sanctuary.v1.0.0.2.zip

Ah well. Thanks for the tip though, lot of stuff on there I'd been to lazy to search for

I don't even…

REV UP THOSE BITTORRENT CLIENTS AND START SEEDING, MY FILTHY SAILORS!

WE WUZ THUMBAILZ AN SHIEET

I played it a while ago. It's concept it's being a 2d souls game. And it does pull it off at parts, but it suffers from being a 2d game.

At least they didn't choose Dark Sperm as the name.

Ugh, gross, you came already? I'm not even close to being done. You don't get to stop until I say so. And as punishment for blabbing to my brother, we're going to have some fun training that tight little asshole.

Dank sperm sounds like a good title, though.

I can only imagine people who paid for the game are bitching about the same thing on Steam.

I can't even get it to start at all
Pirates win again?

Install the .net shit included.

Unlike Vanguard, I don't think you can defeat him early.

Actually having a lot of fun with this, definitely worth a pirate.

Just had my first death, got stuck interacting with a corpse while a dog was mauling my ass. Went from full health to zero while spamming the dialogue, first boss also felt pretty bullshit with him instantly pivoting

Queen of Smiles is even worse. And she's pretty much a ripoff of Dancer of the Boreal Valley.

Honestly it doesn't look like a bad game, but the shamelessness with which they copied the Souls mechanics and atmosphere turned me off. Also the shitty skeletal animation looks like something out of a Flash game from 10 years ago.

you've never played age of empires 2?

homos love the dolphin dick

I fucking hate the character design. The face just feels awful. Otherwise it so far looks okay-ish but it is obviously a massive rip-off of Derk Sauls I really can't endorse it.

Post from the dev on the Steam discussion page. They're outsourcing to get their old 360 games to work on Steam.
Personally I'm not surprised, since that one guy who ported Vampire Smile to PC could only get it to work on nvidia computers or some shit.

Apparently it is possible to kill the boss at the start of the game, but you have to do it in one try in New Game; you don't play through the opening sequence in NG+. The key is to have a nice long dodge roll, so unequip a bunch of your shit before the fight, and get ready to shank Cthulhu a fuckbunch and don't get hit by nothing.
The ending still plays out the same, but you get a special rare item for killing him.

The answer to that one is real simple, don't use AMD or NVidia's dev kits. The fact that developers have become such lazy cunts who want to cut corners disgusts me as a programmer.

Could be that nvidia/amd gave them a few shekels to do it, my guess is most of them are just lazy though.

Thanks for reminding me to pirate this one, guys. I had it on my backlog. Anyone itt played it? Is it good?

It's decent, but I don't like how they implemented the level up system. I would have preferred something more akin to souls or the such. In this game they give you a sphere grid to level up, but you have to buy weapon proficiency to use higher level weapons.

Also Queen of Smiles is jewish as fuck, the cunt is fucking cheap.

You're in luck because its literally only been out to pirate for a few hours. Its solid, its pretty much what you would expect from a 2D souls clone. It has some differences though, it has a talent tree system and when you level up all your stats get boosted. There is also gold and souls salt

So glad that steam gave moderation powers to developers for their reviews and forums, right guys?

Wait until you get to the Dragon at some castle. Name starts with K. I forgot.

Well there's your problem.

It's incredibly shallow and you won't want to play it again, but it's alright for a playthrough.
Warhammers a best.

Don't care about your anti-Steam opinions mate, we're here to discuss this game and its devs, not your pseudo-anarchist ideals.

Then it's a good thing no one has to go through steam to play the game huh.

Found your problem.

Doesn't change the fact that Ska is running heavy damage control to keep this game as "positive" as they can.

Hilarious and original.

...

Who are you quoting?

He's right you know. Steam is irredeemable garbage through and through, but just replying with a witty
when talking about shitty dev practices only helps deflect the criticism of the devs.

I don't know what gave you that idea.

I think it's fair enough to say that since we're pirating the game, we don't have to care about what the devs do because we aren't rewarding them for their bad behavior or supporting more of it.

You can quit either of these, and suddenly the dev's faggotry doesn't matter. In the end, you are the problem for buying the game, faggot.

I don't get it? People were fairly receptive of Shrouded in Sanity even though it was a Bloodborne clone in 2D. People mostly had pre-release hate for Salt and Sanctuary because Vaati made a video where he couldn't shut the fuck up and stop saying "soulslike experience."

But I've never seen someone shit on say Crypt of the Necrodancer for being a roguelike.

I didn't pay for it, doesn't change the fact that if someone doesn't point out these problems people don't become aware of them and think "this game deserves my money." You should use that gel-like shit behind your eyes instead of posting with a smug shitpost.

Not a bad line of thinking on the personal level, but I'm of the opinion that shitty devs and their Jewish practices should always be called out, regardless of whether or not you yourself have bought or pirated the game, since the public at large prefers directing their disposable income towards the wallets of people they might not know to be conniving kikes. Wouldn't you prefer mitigating that cash flow instead of preaching against Steam to the choir?

If the default was pirating a game, and if the game and the devs were good, opting to donate to the devs as thanks, then we wouldn't have these problems.

why would anyone here care about a game on steam deserving money? That's why you get the
Replies. You shouldn't use steam to begin with.

And if Abraham never left Ur we'd have even less problems, but this isn't the way of the world.

Stop changing the fucking subject and making this a skub anti-skub thread, I'm pointing out the developers and what they're doing, and you're being a fucking retard who can't stop with the "OH MAH GAWD, STEAM!"

Go ahead and suck the tail pipe of a running vehicle.

I'm totally okay with the idea of giving money to deserving devs, but I find deserving devs are few and far between these days. Any form of meme shit in a game, and I automatically file it into the "do not patronize" bin. So sadly my list of games not to even pirate has grown fairly rapidly.

Go back to reddit, faggot. Nobody cares about the devs faggotry because nobody is buying the game.

Someone here needs to go to reddit, but it ain't me. This isn't an echo chamber, faggot.

Look at that projection. All your posts include pictures that are uncommon on 8/v/, and more common to halfchan or reddit. So shoo shoo, slimey jew, and go back to where you belong.

kek, you keep showing your true origins. Anyway you have zero useful input, so I'm done arguing with you redditor. Go try to downvote someone who cares.

fuck off redditor, he's saging for off topic arguing, stop being a shitter

Yeah nice try. Go back to where you belong, faggot. You got off topic and not only don't sage, but you post pictures that are uncommon on 8/v/, all in rapid succession. You're not from here, and you don't belong here. Go back to sucking gabe's cock in /r/PCMR

thanks for reminding me to pirate this

i seriously hope this torrent isn't virus-laced.

off-topic: I really like Steam, its convenient. Fite me

No i-frames man.

It's not, is that a horsehoe crab?

umm, anons…

I downloaded the rar, and I swear to God that I never encountered this thing before (the StartSteamEmu). Anyone who can spoonfeed me about how to use it and play the game?

All you do is double click on launcher.exe and that's it. If it doesn't run, install the XNA in the common redist.

...

yes

my bet is you run the LAUNCHER.exe

...

He's a shitskin brazilian, give him a break.

I tried that, but the game never launched, until I followed this advice
Thank you so much user

user…

You guys should play the superior soulslike EPΘCH, made with the advance technology of RPGmaker and paint
Thanks greenlight

I should have spent all those salt.

Is that fucking Comic Sans?

Use grenades

How do you deal with enemies camping on ledges or on top of ladders?

By climbing up and hitting them in the face.

Did he compare Destiny to Souls?

...

Consider using the bow. You can get one on the way to Queen of Faps.

Thought it was kobuto Pokemon

I think Kabuto is a horseshoe crab.

Three important questions before I buy this.

Yes.
I don't have an answer to this question. (Why would you buy a game twice?)
Did you seriously hold off on getting Dark Souls 3 until the DLC are released, or are you being an unironic shitposter?

Pirate it. There's nothing new and "online multiplayer" is planned™.
Optimization seems more-less fine.

I wouldn't. I don't have it on PS4 either but prefer to play on PC whenever possible. If the PC version is hot garbage, for whatever reason, I might as well get it on PS4.
Absolutely. Getting back into a game after DLC is released when you haven't played it for months sucks. What's worse though is games at release these days are full of fucking bugs and balancing issues.

I typically wait for at least a year or 2 before I buy games so I know bugs have been mostly worked out (or at least as much as the dev cares to), DLC has been released and the benefit is that the pricing is low.

I'm in my 30s now and long for the days you could buy a game and know it was a complete package. Devs are fucking sloppy now since they know they can patch stuff up after release.

Now I know why animal trainers are looked down upon.

I'm 31, but I don't have the same delusion that you do because you're comparing an era of gaming that's extremely complex (millions of lines of code in a game) to an era of gaming where it was nowhere near as complex (several thousand lines of code).

Games on the NES/SNES were a lot easier to make, games on the PS1 were a lot easier to make. Today's games it's a lot harder to make them work 100% at time of release. And things that were game breakers like soft locks back then can be fixed nowadays.

Why do spiders clump in balls like that? I feel like they wouldn't be able to sustain themselves with that much competition.

Nonsense. A shooter released today is less 'complex' from a design perspective than an RPG game on the PS1.

Programming bloat. Which is part of my point. There is minimal optimisation.

Look at something like Hyper Light Drifter. The game is good, I'll give it that. It's similar graphically and in complexity to Zelda LttP. However, it runs like shit (poorly optimised) and is about 100x the file size as LttP.

Oh, and if SNES games were so simple, why was a team of dozens required to make LttP when a team of a handful made HLD?

I didn't know until just now when I googled it.
Guess what I used as a search query?
Sound familiar? It's just that easy!

Are you fucking stupid? We're talking about code, you fuck.

People were dumber in the 90's. :^)

Ok…I was looking at both code and design.

And I gave you an example of LttP and Hyper Light drifter. Two very similar games. Two very different amounts of code.

As I said. Programming bloat. Modern games are largely 'more complex' because the programming is shittily done vs older games, where computing power and storage space were very limiting.

So, let me get this straight.
It's worth a pirate and maybe buy it if it's on sale?

Worth a pirate id say

I know what the problem is, I'm trying to talk to someone who doesn't know how programming works. I should know better than to waste my time pissing into the wind. Code complexity is not just "programming bloat."

I'm not going to argue with someone who doesn't understand that you can't program in mode 13H anymore. Also…

They're two different platforms. By your logic, they could have made Dark Souls 3 using the same hardware as King's Field, it's just that they "had too much programming bloat."

I'm done talking to you.

oyy lmao

150 posts counting this one, good job Stephen Hawking.

No, because now you're including graphics into the equation, which is a different ball game. You seem to be quite angry and aggressive, please try to calm down.

I never said it was JUST that, but I have used the LttP / Hyper Light comparison to make as many variables as possible the same. You still have not given a response to these two games being so different, instead trying to straw man me with Dark Souls 3. At least you have agreed programming bloat is a factor, so you are coming around.

I guess it might be easier for you to think of an analogy. The game Space Chem (which is excellet btw) involves building chemicals in reactors through pre-laid instructions, much like a simple code.

The best designs, the fastest most efficient designs, are always the ones with the least complexity, the least moving parts. More complexity means more ways for things to go wrong and more steps being required to produce the chemical (or execute a calculation).

Think of the example in that way and you might find it easier.

No, I'm not. But you are most definitely fucking patronizing.

...

Claims

Says earlier in the conversation

It's not often lack of self awareness can be displayed so clearly in black and white, but there you have it.

I wonder, is there enough salt to harvest from this thread now?

Depends on how much you want to level up.

IT IS TIME

You're not going to get your animu girl past me.

Its actually the grinch

That's even worse!

Here are the games he tried to bury:
mega.nz/#F!UhtSTA5S!u9hAjGsOFetjRWPDjsmgmg

Disregard some of that, I suck cocks. It was his girlfriend who put that on company record, not his sister.

Somebody already made a port for him. His sister put it on company record for him that the person who made the port represented the worst of "gamer entitlement" in doing so.

I'm uploading the port now, by the way.

Like I mentioned earlier though, the port is completely unprofessional and only works properly on certain drivers. Otherwise all you get is a black screen.

Can I get a steam refund if I've played over 2 hours? I thought I'd like S&S, but its shit.
Colours are too washed out and lighting is way too dim. Also bosses aren't as fun in 2D, a lot of the stuff that made Souls unique just doesn't translate.

No, the policy is LESS THAN 2 hours.

It's less than 2 hours and less than a week owned or some shit like that but sometimes they do the right thing and give the refund anyway.

Sometimes.

Depends how far over the limit you've played, and for what reason you're refunding.

If it was really fucking broken and you played for, say, 3 hours, they'll refund you.

If you "just don't like it :(" and you played over the limit, I doubt they'll refund it.

Why though, there was a mega and a torrent link earlier in this thread

Can someone tell me what the fuck devotion does without spoiling too much.

It's your "faith" stat. Miracles and shit.

Ah ok, fuck that. Magic is for plebs

Yeah, in that case also avoid Willpower, that's your "Int" stat. Although it may be possible that all stats have different usage for different characters, like perhaps Willpower offers resistance to Arcane magic.

I'm going to read this as 'I can't rely on summons to get me through this time, so like a little bitch I'm going to give up'

He's right though, it doesn't translate well to 2D. Queen of Smiles passively hits you whether she swings at you or you just try to roll by. Her body spikes don't translate to a well designed boss so much as a "how can we make sure even a skilled player gets bleed damaged?"

Souls bosses are generally shit though. They're basically variants of humanoids with abysmal hitboxes and, more recently, with a bunch of additional enemies thrown in for added 'difficulty'.

nobody doubts youre an idiot

Hmm is it just me or does the game withhold a lot of information? Like, how big is a sanctuary area? Is it worth it to offer shit or isnt it? How the fuck am I supposed to know what the starter gifts do? Luckily I picked the extra salt ring but how much is extra? So far im having fun smashing shit with my greatsword but I feel that most of the time I have to try shit out and get burned for it.

A sanctuary is just the little room it's in, or do you mean area of influence? Cause in that case, I don't know.

If this wasn't such a blatant rip off of dark souls I might be able to enjoy it. But I can't. Also, the bosses are fucking shit.

Was about to say this, why the fuck can bosses stunlock you? I just got raped from full health to 0 by the cyclops when he hit 25%

I had the exact opposite problem. The bosses are too simple. The only way they get hard is by attacking faster than I can do anything about, but now that I have a decent greatsword I just tank and spank at that point.

Bosses and enemies are poor, weapons are too similar. Level design is pretty good though.

git gud

Is it just me or does the game look like it was made in flash or something?

What exactly is a soulslike?

its like a metroidvania mixed with prince of persia, but with a skilltree and bosses that do a ton of damage? or i am missing something?

Not sure about the "mixed with prince or persia" bit .

Anyway, atmosphere and combat style are important. Combat should be slow and deliberate block/dodge/parry/attack, NOT fast cuhrazy attack attack attack (maybe) dodge. Punishing death is also important.

that gives me a clearer idea, thanks

How about nooooo.
Will be torrenting it though, friend says you can play a chef as a joke run so I might as well do my Gordon Ramsay run.

nope, it looks like a shitty flash game to me as well, not gonna play it thank you very much. I fucking hate the copycat gimmicky games. OOOOOOOOh it's like dark souls but 2d sidescroller! Go fuck yourself jesus, they even ripped off the aesthetics.

Not playing any copycat games whatsoever means you've probably got what, under 50 games you can ever play?

That's pretty boring, user.

You better fucking record that and put it on Youtube, cause I wanna see this.

I honestly hope soulslike games become a thing, the current indie bandwagon with roguelike games can fuck off.

Bite your tongue mate, it'll become saturated with too many and then you'll wish you'd never said such a thing.

I'm all for more "Soulslike" games, but I don't want it to become the new fad. Cause it'll make you hate Dark Souls for starting it all.

There are actually a bunch of 2d soulslike indie games at the moment, I'm sure a kind user could provide the list, I never saved it. Spoilers: Except for this one which straddles the line between okay and good, they're all just as terrible as the awful shovelware rogue-lites polluting the indie scene right now

I just wish we had something like a modern Gothic 1/2 with the same non-leveled world with non-respawning enemies, but more refined souls-ish combat.

Can you even read, faggot?

I said copycat gimmicky games. It's like taking one concept and merging it with a shitty one. Let's take this X game and make it an INDIE SIDESCROLLER.

Yeah those are fucking GREAT can't wait to play them all, retard.

Gimmicky is just a blanket code-word for "things i don't like :(" and not at all relevant to the discussion at hand.

Gee you really are a fucking retard. Learn how to read you fucking spastic.

Basically a metroidvania with the words "ITS LIKE DARK SOULS PLS BUY ME, MINDLESS FUCKING SOULSCUCKS" in the description

Metroid is the dark souls of castlevania

Soulscucks, everyone.

Oh man I'd wish they make games like Prince of Persia Sands of Time. I'm not calling it perfect but I really liked the way it handled platforming and combat instead of the bastardized version of it we get in Arkham and Assassins Creed.

PSA
Plan to use ranged weapons? Enable mouse in game → controls menu. Because aiming with 4 buttons is shit.
Captain obvious to rescue!

Also, bottle messages.

I appreciate you telling us this mate, I haven't tried the bow yet, but this lets me know how counterintuitive the aiming system is with a controller.

Lmao

Game is pretty shit at worst and mediocre at best. Some bosses are just obnoxiously bad in terms of no wind up attacks or just gimmicky. Tree of man is a great example where the boss needs to be cheesed. Especially on new game plus where the enemies are massive sponges since the health jump is high. Most weapons are unviable, and most weapon classes are as well outside of a few greatswords and greathammers. Weapon tier system makes it useless to upgrade early weapons in place of later weapons unless the early weapons is broken like the greatscissors.

Late tier weapons take different materials, so other than a bit of salt there's little to no reason NOT to upgrade whatever you happen to be using.

I found that it's the same issue that Dark Souls has where the only good weapons are the blunt weapons that do strike damage (or in this case, just the maces).

Depends on the weapon. You can find a few weapons that are late game take a few early game things and vice versa.

But there are at least usable weapons outside of blunt ones and the movesets between weapons is different enough.

That's true only in the first half of DaS 2. In 1 and 3 everything is viable.

Yeah I suppose you guys are right. Also I didn't mean Dark Souls 3, I was omiting that one entirely. The Estoc is OP as fuck in Dark Souls 3, for example, but absolute shit in Dark Souls.

It is only op in PVP due to the lack of damage reduction from armor since it is percent based now. Makes smaller weapons more effective and larger ones worse.

I had a much easier time beating every boss with the estoc than I did with the Uchigatana/Washing Pole. The Estoc's lack of a swing animation makes it much stronger as a weapon in PVE.

Estoc+Greatshield was top-tier in 1 (although scummy as fuck), you just don't need the greatshield anymore since poise isn't a thing anymore.

Na, it's the lack of poise combined with the fast attacks and long range. To put it in DaS terms, it's functionally a slightly shorter SKS.

Piercing Swords are top-tier boss killing weapons in 1 and 2 as well, except it's the Rapier that's the weapon of choice for them. The Uchi and Washing Pole have the benefit of a very high poise damage and nearly instant running R1, which trivializes pretty much every non-boss enemy that isn't one of the handful of 'FUCK YOU INFINITE POISE' guys.

Forgot to mention the poise issue.

Rapier? I thought the BSS was the weapon of choice.

Swag sword is a great all-round weapon for pure dex builds but is outclassed by the Great Scythe in that regard.

As for the Rapier (and piercing swords in general), bosses have huge counter windows, so thrusting sword + leo ring is always excellent for racking up tons of damage very quickly in between swings. There's also the Dex/CMW build with Ricard's Rapier which wrecks bosses even faster, but that really qualifies as a one-trick pony gimmick build.

So when's the porn

Why would there be porn? There's nothing fappable in this game.

You underestimate people

It's a great game. If you have doubts, try sailing at the free demo port of IGG, matey.

In the end, they made a souls 2D- fangame, that is big and good for an indie title. Mechanics are hit and miss, but they work well enough. The atmosphere is oppressing, and level design is phenomenal for todays standards.

Try the "demo", and buy it if you like this shit.

BUT THAT'S JUST A THEORY

Bosses, enemies, and weapons are shit. Mainly due to a lack of variety in their patterns. I think the 2d format combined with the Souls style is just too limiting. The bosses in particular have SIGNIFICANTLY less depth than Terraria, for example.

The level design though is pretty good. They've really managed to do exploration well. The only thing I really have a complaint about is the Leap of Faith platforming. What this game could really do with is an item like the Prisim Stone so you can figure out which drops are lethal (or maybe there is one and I just haven't found it?)

Problem I have with bosses is the fucked up hitboxes and how they speed up when they get lower health. The speeding up sounds good on paper but in the actual game it devolves into a "using a fatroll build? Get stunlocked".

I just counter their berserk mode with my berserk mode and go all out swinging until one of us dies. It usually works. Greatswords (particularly the boss weapon ones) seem a bit OP, especially with a consumable enchant on them.

How do i kill the dragon?

Thats how I did most thus far with my upgraded greatsword. Its just bleh boss design

Did you faggots see that other 2D Souls-kike on Steam that has like 4 FPS animation? The ride only gets worse.

I don't know guys… you are being too negative. The game isn't that bad compared to everything that indies made lately, it's pretty good.

i already hate it for starting at all.

It's not even about the difficulty
It's about the experience of being overwhelmed in a world you dont know and dont understand.

Fucking, i had a game-stop employee not understand why i didn't want the guide
"It comes with the guide"
"Do you have the one that comes without the guide?"
"Yeah but the guide gives you head start"

shit's annoying.

Shoot it in the tail with your bow.

No, what you hate are the normalfags who use it as their benchmark of what is good and what is difficult. Don't be a dummy.

I finally got around to trying the greatscissors… and it's shit.

It's peak damage is a little higher than a greatsword, but all attacks other than the strong-two-handed it gets its name from do only about 70% normal. That attack might be pretty decent but I need the other moves, especially the aerials. Can't tell if the stagger is higher or lower, I think it's lower.

Choose one.

My dick shouldn't be this diamonds.

You can't dual wield both melee weapons. But you can dual wield melee and ranged weapon, like whip and crossbow for Hunter.
Though, i wished for dual wielding weapons…