Putting together a Github portfolio

Hey, I'm a retard who's about to graduate with a AS in some computer stuff. What sort of things do I need to put on my github account so I can pay my rent?

just fork some shit from codepen and say u wrote it

fizz buzz

But how big should the project be is what I'm asking. Like how much fancy stuff should be going on and all that. I can write hello world in 4-6 languages or so using objects but beyond that I'm pretty worthless.

Stop right there, you're fucking hired.

write something useful.
even if it is only useful for you.
even if obviously superior competitors exist.
even if you are literally the only human being other than a recruiter who ever looks at your shit, if you can explain what you did and why you did it and how you use it, you'll sound like someone who isn't worthless.

Here's what I did:
1). Stole 6 small-to-medium sized projects with a high amount of following from GitCafe
2). Created a few fake contributor profiles by hand
3). Wrote a script to rewrite all of the commits into a 1 year time frame and changed the commit messages with a simple markov bot (all of these from other projects I stole from github). Included a few fake "contributors" using the emails I signed them up with.
3.5). Had to rewrite all of the manpages and get rid of any nuke runes in the files
4). Wrote another script to create fake users from the twitter profiles of non-english speakers (had to cut out a lot of females). Then had different portions of each star a set project, with a little bit of overlap. Made a few of them fork each project. Spoofed all of their follower and following counts.
4.5). Issues and pull requests was a pain in the ass because times are on github and I resigned just flooding the first page with a new "legit" issue everyday and a few closed issues everyday. Same with pullrequests
5). For the first page of people who've starred each, as well as fake contributors, I did the same thing and spoofed their histories. (Didn't mess with forks, because no one looks at forks)
6). Stole one huge project from GitCafe, with absolutely no recognition. Repeated the steps beforehand except put some more effort into fake contribs to make them seem real and added real contact info just in case (it came in use later when some tried to snoop)
7). The huge project I had to do some real heavy lifting, and refactored the whole thing to make it more useable by normies. And woe and behold, I got legit users. When more and more came, I started removing fake user's issues and pull requests. Made another bot that randomizes my commits to either me or the few fake contributors. Also had to maintain a HUGE commit bot for the rest of the followers and getting it to seem random enough was a pita.
8). Normies are now flooding in. I didn't expect this. My project gets on trending page. I actually have to maintain this project.
9). It doesn't stop. Some fucking blogs pick up my repo and it spirals down from there
9.3). Get contacted by real people giving me their comments, advice, "have you thought about x feature?" "maybe you should make a discord?" please stop
9.6). Get contacted by highschoolers asking me if I have an angellist (?) and to help them on their startup with "80:20:30" (?) equity
9.9). Get contacted by RECRUITERS asking me if I want to work for their shitty company
10). Deals are getting better and better, gets offers to be flown out. I accept
11). No one does a technical interview with me (except for fucking hubspot and I croaked and told them it was insulting and left), I just get shown around the place and introduced to everyone. No resume asked for, no references, no college etc.
12). Jew around with them all telling them what the other is offering me and get me a nice deal
13). I accept it and move out from my (literally) mother's basement to move to a very far away place (expenses and relocation paid for)

I am in a purely overseeing role and I live in fear everday. I need to keep up the facade, but it's taxing on my mental health and I drink in the morning to be able to face my coworkers, and at night I use non-prescribed temazepam so I can sleep. I did what I needed to get out of my situation, but I made too many mistakes. This is no way to live, but I don't see a way out.

I don't believe you

Look mom he posted it again

Hahahaha

no man for real I can do it
python2:print "hello world"
python3:print("hello world")
bash:echo "hello world"
nim (this is some kind of meme research language but one of my professors said to learn it and I think it's cool because my bash knowledge came in handy though not for long): echo "hello world"

Just "fix" some triggering language in the documentation for a few projects and put in your bio that you're a trans* PoC dismantling the patriarchy RAWR. You'll be in Silicon Valley pulling down $100k+ within the month. And February's a short month.

oop man it means you have to use at least 20 lines like a pajeet would do

i lik criket

The equivalent of being able to say:
English:
Good morning
French:
Bonjour
Japanese:
こんにちは
German:
Hallo

With your proficient language skill, please order a cup of coffee in any of the languages you know. Or in programming terms: write a program that opens a text file and renders it in any UI API you want in all languages you know. Extra challenge: You are not allowed to use google or stack overflow to research the API of your languages.

In the programming world, the print method is barely even used unironically in functional programs. If you want to render text from the program, you wouldn't render it in a console window.

Bash is not even a programming language, it's for automating operations in the OS. And no, using VBScript or Zenity to summon pop up windows is not programming.

I made a frontend backend server in NodeJS that mimicks a GNU terminal and I cannot honestly say I know JS or NodeJS well enough to work with it.

I wrote several modules and made modifications to IRC bots in Python, but I don't know Python well enough.

I wrote a tutorial on how to use Lua, but I am not a veteran seasoned user.

If you think you know how to code, create a fake semantic error program and post it to stack overflow and then wait for people to comment on your unconventional methods. Even a second hand language like Lua has secrets in it, which is supposed to be "easy" for end users to write programs in.

If you know programming, make an updated frame scope and have it draw things on screen. If you know programming, have two computers connect and exchange information using any IO library. If you know programming, make a program with detailed manpages. If you know programming, write a linter, interpreter and your own terminal.

...

so far so good
means hello
means hello
means hello
You're fucking fired user.

Why are you ego tripping over a joke post, user? Does it make you feel good?

ascktxualy it means good day

Seems like you are sightly exaggerating your lack of programming ability. Assuming you are able to program a little, contributing to open source projects is always impressive.

It actually take a lot of guts to submit a PR to a random project, especially if you are not an experienced programmer.

Feel free to ask questions about how to contribute, choose a project etc.