Marvel's #Champions #3 Storytime with bonus Nova #1, featuring the return of Richard Rider
It's that time of the month again, anons. The time where Marvel releases another issue of the flagship title for their new Marvel NOW! relaunch, and we all gather around and laugh at how much of an utter failure it is.
We start off this issue with a re-used panel from last month.
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So, you guys remember last month's issue? Oh, you were deliberately repressing all memory of it to preserve your sanity?
Well, all I want to remind you of is that Ms. Marvel promised the rest of the team that they'd be going off on fun adventures in outer space and other dimensions.
Do you think Pakistan is some sort of alien desert planet, or some sort of bizarre alternate universe where women aren't allowed to go to school, but still somehow have access to social media?
Wait, sorry, Sharzad, not Pakistan. A fictional country where they called a bunch of teenage superheroes from America in to help them deal with their radical Islamic warlord problem, but don't want to be seen as actually needing help from a bunch of superpowered teenagers from America.
And then they all died in an explosion.
Oh wait, no, the series is still being solicited for next month. I guess they survive somehow. Yay.
Bonus Storytime: Nova #1
Hey, look anons! It's Richard Rider, mysteriously back from the Cancerverse with no explanation!
But enough about him, what about Sam?
Someone who knows about this character, did Ego the Living Planet always have a beard? They're drawing a lot of attention to it for some reason, and yet they never actually give us a clear shot of Ego's face.
I must admit this…
i laughed my off on that "single stone age rocket destroys the hyper tech flying-hipster-van". Welcome to mudslimeland fuckers!
>Amal is a badass.
Literally anything a woman does is now "badass" and "brave". How long until Waid starts unironically describing his female self-inserts as "strong and fierce".
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the character, Sam Alexander is the /r9k/ Nova. A Nova Robot, if you will.
Also, I kinda have to wonder what narrative purpose it serves to show us Sam repeatedly humiliating himself at school like this. Is it supposed to establish Sam's character? Because the bit with no pants is all you really need for that.
I think he's already doing it in his own head.
Should I read this or is the cancer too strong to deal with?
Seriously, we're 17 pages in and only just now getting to 'holy shit, there's another Nova!'. In what is supposed to be a Sam Alexander/Richard Rider Nova teamup book.
Well, Richard Rider appears to literally be infected with an entire cancer universe, but I get the feeling that's not what you're talking about.
Nova is another disappointing Marvel book where nothing fucking happens, but it's not too bad otherwise. Champions is the sort of book you only read if you want something to get mad at and complain about, though.
And the issue ends with a page from the author talking about how much he just absolutely loves Nova and the Nova Corps.
End
Thoughts, anons?
Could be worse. Still shit though.
BRAVO MARVEL
Second page, and there's a reference to lesbianism. Of course the muslim is just fine with it.
Is it in cannon that Ms. Muslim is an unbearable cunt?
The art is really aweful.
This comic is so condescendingly one-sided it makes me want to join the Taliban.
What do you mean "Islamic warlord problem"? They're "radical fundamentalists", nowhere does it say that they're muslim.
Ah, good point. Given that this is modern Marvel we're talking about, the Pope probably declared another crusade or something.
...
I hate everything in this, but the part here is the tip of the cake.
At least the kurds had the decency to fight on their own terms.
Reminder this has sold so terribly Marvel that Marvel is giving comic shops free copies.
"so terribly Marvel" was a mistake, but incredibly apt as a description.
So it's still been under 24 hours since they first fought a dude together, and they already are world-renowned, have a super high tech flying vehicle, and can monitor all communications worldwide, at least on the internet. So within a single rotation of the earth, they're now on par with he Avengers or the Fantastic Four in terms of capability, but we're supposed to be holding with bated breath as they take on 20 dudes with guns that are mean to women.
I think it's been at least 48 hours by this point, but otherwise yes. We're just supposed to pretend they've been together as a team for longer because the series itself has been going on for three months now.
Maybe Richard is the last survivor of the old 616 and the new universe is so full of cancer it's infecting him.
Also:
I checked out when Star-Lord married Kitty Pryde and gave her his title and leadership position, because Bendis. Does Peter still hang around there?
...
BRAVO MARVEL! SO PROGRESSIVE!
Khamala played the long game
THEY WHAT? Fucking hell, Bendis. I know you love your waifu so much but what's wrong with Kitty and Colossus?
Top kek user!
I will just pretend this is the official ending of this boring shit and drop the comic for good…
I forgot to shop out the missile sadly
...
Marvelous
I wouldn't say the art is awful. It's stylistic, sure, but I've seen a lot worse. Hell, I'd even go so far to say it's the only redeeming part of this comic.
I'd take Humberto Ramos over Erica Henderson any day of the week.
Also isn't Cho like 23 now and Victoria still in high school? The fuck is going on here
Hot loli action, that's what user. It's 2016!
How is Malala Yousafzai even a thing in this universe? There are too many characters that could handle the Taliban in an afternoon for her to ever have developed any significance.
This is why when competent writers have Steve Rogers battle nazis they give them some kind of sci-fi and/or mystic bullshit. Because otherwise you just have a story about America sending their super human experiment to brutalize normal 17 year old grunts drafted into a war they didn't start.
Champions is the best piece of unintentional satire I've read. It's like everyting wrong with millennial slacktivism.
So the kids go to Pakistan in order to save not-Malala from the not-Taliban. They beat some guys up and make them all Honorary Legionnaires Champions and then leave. Now surely the not-Taliban will be cowed by this and never again attack these girls or their village. Surely they won't just come back tomorrow and massacre them. I mean, the Champions saved the day and stayed #Woke doing it after all. This is after their efforts in saving sex slaves resulted in them posting about how #strong and #kickass they were after letting one of them die due to their incompetence.
If a writer has to constantly assure you how much they love a character, they don't. Why not just admit "hey, I didn't have much of an idea going in but reading some old comics for research and writing the character is allowing me to appreciate them and I'm excited to see what I can do"?
...
Do teenagers really count as loli
*tchoh* look at these "heroes" coming to Democracysplain to the wogs.
To be fair, Muslims are like roaches. No matter how many you get rid of, there is always more where they come from.
Is it too much to hope for that the tumblr crowd Marvel is pandering to eat them alive for this issue?
They probably don't even know this comic is out, so the chances are unlikely.
he exists, he just isn't all powerful
wtf I love Marvel now!
Someone should make one of those summarizing screencaps like Hellcat posting user does. It'd be a good way to show the internet just how retarded this shit is. Might as well make that a trend with these retarded comics Marvel keeps pushing out.
Ghost Rider met Jesus…
We need to all just realize that Marvel's lore and rules on Gods is incredibly inconsistent. That's what happens when you just let everyone do whatever they want without having some guidelines or actual editors.
The first 2 missions of the team were both "WOMEN BEING OPPRESSED FOR NO RAISIN!!!!!1". As if preventing female education is the sole motivation/crime of Islamic extremists. They could have easily just said "A militia is violently taking over villages in Pakistan"or some Mesopotamian death god cult and it would have carried just as much urgency and could've avoided real world religion altogether.
But no… only problems with trending hashtags can be important enough for the champions to get involved. Because nothing says justice like mob rule defined morality.
B-but you don't understand! women didn't had rights to an education nor medical attention even if having your breeders in bad health condition is almost like a death sentence to all your civilization!
But hey, thanks for actually rescuing us a minute ago!
It make some sense, you better not be saved because if the people who saved you leave, then you would be defenless. If you get some of the credit of saving yourself then the enemy will fear you and not your absent friends. But i am not sure what their plan was supposed to get.
The comic is trash.
Well spotted, user
I just got here and seeing some book from the RELIGION OF PEACE thrown on the ground and splattered with oil like blood leads me to believe they might have some MUSLIM shit in here, however I could be wrong, I'll read and see but I just want to post this for my own posterity.
Who ever said this book was a satire of the egotistical obliviousness of millennials was really on to something.
I'm just saying that, if you don't like being saved by americans then go fuck yourself and try to save yourself by your own means instead of wasting everyone's time.
This is not as much as a parody as any comic involving teenagers in Marvel. Maybe the do know their target audience.
I've seen worse but this wasn't as bad as I expected for the first bit there, I'm sure the rest is shit and some close ups on faces are fucking disgusting, like that Jackrabbit in the Burqha, I wouldn't buy it but I didn't want to vomit either.
Also I tidied up what one user did earlier.
I had to re-read that 3 times to stop seein CHIMPOUTS
All right, pack your bags everybody. They're going to fight terrorists with IDEAS! Oh what's that? Oh you actually need others to fight for you with force and superpowers?
3rd page, last two panels
What happened? I legit can't tell what caused them to fall over.
Guess we're done here now… Oh not again, make up your god damn mind!
Vid related
REMIND ME WHAT SHE DID TO EARN ANY RESPECT AGAIN OTHER THAN BITCHING ABOUT THE STATUS QUO? WOW SHE HAS SO MUCH COURAGE TO STAND UP TO AN OPRESSOR OH LOOK SHE CANT DO SHIT WHEN CHICKENS COME TO ROOST OH LOOK AMERICANS SAVE THE DAY OH LOOK SHES SUCH A HERO OH GOD HOW PROGRESSIVE!
jebote bog. This really is a parody.
It's morally questionable for superheroes to pretend to be acts of God, and in this situation in particular, strategically questionable, too.
On that note, can we put an end to this fucking hashtags?
dont say mean things about cyclops
He fought wolverine and nightcrawler just to inspire them! He was a great leader!
Couldn't ONE of these fucks do this themselves?
Having these many heroes in one place is overkill. It's just ASKING for collateral damage
Pushed in the "all muslims are great" thing at the end.
Baby Jesus does this suck
This artwork seems familiar. I've seen this style in the early 2000's.
These are moron towelhead terrorists. They didn't even need to send a super. All they had to do was send Frank Castle.
You're doing gods work user
But Frank is problematic even if he would been staying in there long enouth to get rid of any possible thread in the zone and maybe killing them in so fucked up ways others might think it twice before messing up with the girls.
Ms. Marvel trips them with a stretched out leg. Took me a while to see it too.
Oof. I fucked up that reply.
Marvel at its finest.
I am getting seriously sick of last issue cliff hangers being resolved in two pages, it's a fucking habit at this point.
So when are we gonna get some rule 34 of Asian Hulk fucking Robot Girl while their teammates look on?
pls email [email protected]/* */ if you're a cat named sakamoto and want a cute furret to lick your paws
Very carefully.
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pls email [email protected]/* */ if you're a cat named sakamoto and want a cute furret to lick your paws
Computer automation facial recognition error reported for race baiting.
lmfao
Op is most def a faggot
/news/?
hahahahaha
The black guys had potential, if they had a better camera and the two on the sides posed better.
Middle is SERVING.
nigga wut?
I said no dieing senpai.
...
That's actually a really great book, i had it too.good luck dude, follow your passion. Never give up.
Hate speech ⊆ Cancer
Cancer is much bigger than one topic, cancer is a culture of decay that contaminates the website..
Ashley Willams would get in as well but he's English so his choke gene would kick in
Aik is like the "Tom and Jerry" of hentai. You can do whatever you want to her but she'll always go right back to normal afterwards.
I dont know, If think it is indifferent. I know a lot of people that have a relation in english.
Prepare for being dumped after the women get the american nationality.
sauce? Looks pretty good.
Unfortunately if its the current pope he hasn't. Though I hear the Patriarch of the Orthodox is sympathetic to another crusade.
A Howard the Duck mini. That mouse is actually Howard, transformed in a not-Mickey Mouse through most of the mini.
Ends up being quite good
Thanks user I'll look into it.
I can't believe this comic still continue. I heard about this but never thought it's this horrible. It's like a circlejerk turned into a comic. Bullshit heroism and simplifying real world problem into black and white concept.
I just read it here and I'm already horrified. Marvel used to make teen based comics called MC2 starring children of Marvel heroes. From SpiderGirl(Peter and Jane's daughter), J2 (Cain Marko's son) and many more. They got canceled but they are pretty decent. This one is so full of stupid agenda it's a complete shit show.