Let's all laugh at Marvel - #Champions issue 2 Storytime

So, the Champions. The book that Marvel was pushing as the new flagship title for their second attempt at selling Marvel NOW to the comic book purchasing public. Their first step forward, straight into disaster when the book bombed horribly and barely sold.

For those of you that bothered to read it, would it be accurate to say that the only thing really memorable about the first issue was that stupid #Champions ending where everyone was standing around triumphantly checking Twitter on their phones while standing not ten feet away from the corpse of a girl they failed to save? Because the second issue includes more little moments like that minus the corpses, though.

Let us begin with the opening scene where, literally the day after teaming up to stop a human trafficking ring run by a sadistic clown, the Champions are all going camping together.

Amadeus Cho still seems like the only good character in this bunch. Maybe the Vision girl too though I don't know much about her.

'But wait!', I hear you cry. 'Who are the Champions? What can they do? What are their powers? And will they demonstrate them in ways that make them look like passive-aggressive assholes?'

Well, you're about to learn plenty, user. Like the fact that Viv is a mobile internet hotspot! And then everybody immediately jumps on their phones again. Is… is Mark Waid trying to make this book into a parody of modern teenagers?

Also,

wow…

And now Cyclops joins the party, after the usual Marvel 'you have to fight before you're allowed to team up' moment.

Now, credit where credit is due. Viv's words about Cyclops on that double-page spread? I actually really liked that. I thought it was a nice moment.

It's just a shame that the book falls short on so many of its other pages.

This feels like it'd be one of those parodies of the worst parts of comics of its era like so many before it, except it's not joking. If I didn't know better I'd expect this pack of unsympathetic assholes to start dying off in bitter and ironic ways while some author insert mocks them.

Remember when Mark Waid was a good writer?

Really? Is Civil War 2 over? Also, did kid Cyclops ditch his fellow X men like Kid Jean Grey?

It still bothers me that these are supposed to be super heroes. I swear, marvel super heroes haven't been heroes for a long time.