Hey kiddo, look. I understand entirely what you're feeling and it's a mental battle between you and the outside world.
What we have is very little time, and everything passes by so quickly. Everything here as we live is overall meaningless, and it's worrying and investing your thoughts into the thoughts of others and what thoughts they have about you that holds you down.
I can't say I commend you for posting this on this particular thread, but hey, all good and fun banter amirite ladies
I've been transitioning since 2010, I'm only 20, but my thoughts have been persistent and never ease. I'm ftm, so it was a bit easier for me to accomplish the physique and what not. Haven't had any surgeries only for the reason of the future and what my body may look like, I have dysphoria a lot, but ultimately I know what it is inside I feel, although hard to describe to other people who can't relate, it exists and it doesn't disappear.
For a while I've been buying my testosterone through gear sites, and it's as if not a bit more potent than what endocrinologists prescribed to me. Went through years of therapy, diagnosis, coping skills (all fuckin bull shit if ya ask me lol), but I've been through it and it all worked out in my favor, in being "professionally diagnosed".. but it felt like I wasted so many years to that waiting to start HRT.
There are handfuls of websites you can get your hands on some estrogen and other hormone pills or t blockers online that aren't that sketchy. As far as it goes for the coming out process, obviously it will take more time for you to come to the point where you're passable enough to dress femme, and like someone said earlier, dress in your normal attire until you start noticing change and slowly work your way into it.
Death is a cowardice route to take in these regards, I mean when I was younger I've definitely tried but I never truly wanted to die I was just lost and kind of free falling. I doubt you'd take it, you seem headstrong enough to work with what you've got. The best thing to do is to stop letting this shit hole of a website or other sites related with similar posters and the cynical and less than flattering narcissism get to you, remove yourself from whatever it is you think is holding you bad. You've got to come to terms with who you are, and it's some shit, and may take some time but it doesn't really matter. Politically, it's irrelevant and imo doesn't belong in the general public's popular media. There are few trans people that actually exist, we're just at a weird point in society and I don't support the whole open arms with anyone who wants to become any gender or object at whatever time they please, that's just ludicrous.
Biologically you will always be male, and biologically I will always be female. Sure, it's unfortunate but they're words, and facts about us that hold no significance for anything other than conceiving children.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're going to die with yourself, and no other. You're always going to have yourself to depend on, and the biggest failure you could achieve in life is to let yourself down by holding yourself back from things that will put you in a better place mentally, and in some cases physically (the physical stance is merely subjective). Don't wallow in self-pity, and don't let your brain take a one track route in depression, distract yourself. But overall, do what you can to feel safe in your own skin.