I'm so lonely, Holla Forums
I feel so isolated lately. Or maybe that's just my mind telling myself that. Every day I feel like I'm losing my grip on the relationships I once held, and with the ones I lost went a small piece of me that I can't get back. I have friends outside of the internet, but I can't go to any of them with any of my feels. I think I'd be a burden, I saw people in high school become so needy because of their mental health problems that everyone just evacuated. It was a self destructing tendency, and things only got worse for those people. They became emotionally manipulative, and tried using their abusive constructs to carry them and their problems. I never want to be that way, I never open up to anybody because I don't want to push anybody away with my thoughts.
I find it difficult to talk to people, especially face to face. I also find it difficult to express the way I feel because it's not something I'm used to doing. Funny thing is, though, a lot of the time I just don't feel anything. Like someone hit the off button somewhere in my head, and I'm stumbling around in the dark trying to find it to turn it back on. It's rare that any positive feelings go through my head. It's perpetual hopelessness, rage, and disappointment when I'm not numb to the rest of the world.
I'm afraid to meet new people. Part of it is some social anxiety, but I can fake it long enough to get in. I hate making new friends because I know every face I see will be staring back at nothing but a mask. I don't want to take that mask off and overwhelm them, or make them not want to be around me anymore. I'm not gonna play the "Nobody understands the pain I feel" line because I know that it's just not true. I'm certain there are millions who can empathize with me. Only thing is, I can't empathize back. I don't seem to have the capability to understand a situation from somebody else's perspective. I'm not some self proclaimed sociopath, I'm not an edgy pre-teen. What I tell you is genuine. I know I'm not a sociopath because I know the difference between right and wrong.
I feel in need for companionship. I don't even care if it's romantic or not, just someone that I know I can rely on. That's not what I'm here for, I'm only here because I wanted someone, anyone, to hear my thoughts. I had a girlfriend, key word "had". She left me, but I'm glad she did because even though I expressed these conflicts to her she would never ask how I was doing. She didn't care, but I guess I deserve a taste of my own medicine, because like I said earlier, I find it hard to empathize with problems of other people. I tried getting back into the dating game. Went on several first dates, not a single second date. I didn't act like some mopey asshole on any of them, I tried to be as outgoing and happy as I possibly could. I guess it doesn't matter, none of them were really compatible anyway. Few of them had any sort of drive for what they wanted to do with their future, a couple druggies, maybe 1 who actually had a plan. I'm getting sidetracked
I want to die. I want to die every morning when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep. Then, in those 3-4 hours that my insomniac brain will allow me to sleep for, I dream about death. I won't kill myself, though, I'm too weak and spineless to actually go through with it. Or does that make me strong? Either way, I couldn't do it. I just want to… dissipate. Disappear. Fade away quietly, painlessly. I fantasize about it sometimes. Maybe I should get a therapist. Maybe I should put my big boy pants on and just make new friends. I don't know, but I know that typing it all out helps at least a little bit. I also know that no matter how many of you respond telling me to kill myself or calling me stupid names, that's just one more person who cared enough to respond to my bullshit. So, for anyone who made it this far, thank you for reading.