How would I go about safely (using this word loosely here) self-inflicting injury...

How would I go about safely (using this word loosely here) self-inflicting injury, ideally like a muscle tear to my foot/ankle without permanently damaging it?
Need this to be done within the next 24 hours, thanks

...

Kiddo needs to get out of gym class, eh?

Not exactly, marathon race

Marathon! Just run for a while. Take it easy. Most people don't finish those.

Stick it in a wasp nest

I really, really, really don't want to embarrass myself, already walking with a bit of a retard limp because I'm terrible at running.
I'm thinking I could just firmly twist my foot in a pothole, but I don't want to break anything. Would really, really, really appreciate it if anyone with medical experience could give me some tips

Don't tear a muscle, make a bruise with red, blue, and yellow markers. Easy peasy.

Just say you dislocated your penis fapping too hard

Dislocate someting small like your ankle or some shit, something that you can pop back after a day or 2
Oh and also just work out more, a marathon is hard af but if you train a ton for a few years you should be able to do them

How would I go about doing that in a way that wouldn't fuck my health up down the line?

I have dislocated my right arm about 4 times now, if youre kinda physical (like I said before) You can train it back up to a point where you can stop physical activity and keep it in good strenght
I broke my foot in 2 once, couldnt really, really, really walk alot for a few years without it hurting, then when I picked up hiking it went away because the muscles got retrained to retain strength in that area

so TL:DR do dislocate something and train that area after youve recovered enough to use it

Also if you hadnt thought about use a ton of painkillers, dislocating your shoulder is supposed to be the least painful dislocation and it still hurts like crazy

from this you might as well run like a retard instead of fucking handicapping yourself just because you don't wanna be embarrassed.

He asked how to safely get out of it by hurting himself and I pointed the way, its relatively save if you take the right precaution
Id advice for him to just think of some excuse or just try it anyway but thats not what he asked was it?

...

Dumbass, just go get a pair of crutches and _say_ you sprained your ankle. :) What are they doing to do, give you an MRI to prove you're lying? :\

I have an easier solution, fake passing out. :) It worked for me. :) I just woke up one morning, didn't want to go to highschool, and fake passed out. :)

drinking bleach might help
my uncle got out of a marathon by drinking bleach
drinking bleach was the best thing he ever did, according to my aunt

get some cheap shoes on & go out to a parking lot or the solid side of a concrete building. :)

kick the concrete barrier until your leg becomes injured. :)

you must do this. :)

DID YOU DO IT

You are a very honest gentleman and scholar if you would rather injure yourself than lie.

Do crossfit.

...

Update then, I guess.
I ended up just trying to plant my foot into gopher holes on a jog, and used a rubber mallet on my ankle afterwards for good measure.
Ankle is still swollen and bruised, but it convinced my brother (who invited me to the marathon in the first place) that I couldn't go.
Thanks for your help, anons

A muscle tear is not temporary, take this from someone that tore his ankle muscle and can no longer run.
inb4 called a lazy fatass
fuck you

Hello antiamerica-user

...

Breathing helium helps. Use a strap on mask so you can still surf the web.

Hang ten little buddy.

Im not the one who avatarfags with the antiamerica thing but I have posted a ton of anti american posts with similar pictures of jerry
I that what you meant? Because I feel pretty famous now and thats about the best feeling ive had in days

Why didn't you just tell him to shove his marathon up his ass? You a faggot or something?

...