(cont 3)
in some situations where I had disagreements with her friends she took her friend's side and she cared for them more than she cared about me, one time I got pnuemonia and was very sick, I felt so down and one of my exes was online, I talked to her online , when A saw this she was angry and went out to a party, I had a fever and was in a really bad shape, yet she went to this party and stayed there for late,I pulled myself together and went to the club that she was in, and she was there with her friends, I told her that I was really sick and that she should be a bit more considerate,she just said that I am using my sickness to get her sympathy,she was angry I talked to this ex.
And then I went to a city to undergo an operation, she started to be a bit more supportive but would be angry at me from time to time, even when I was in the hospital.
I recovered then went back to live together in our house, she would remind me of how bad I was with her and how I lied to her and treated her bad.
she would remind me that I went to holiday with the other girl B .
during this time we had much less sex and less romance, her mood swings got so bad, and I was falling into desperation again.
I started using drugs again after I abstained for a year, I started lying to her again.
she found out and we broke up, then we came back together again.
lately, she had a friend (female) who got into a relation with a guy, then broke up with him and stopped talking to him
However my gf A still talks to this guy (even after her friend stopped talking to him) and he visits my gf A in our house and she visits him in his house often, I asked her not to have any guy friends in our house while I am away and instead just hang out in a group (guys and girls), she refused and threatened to leave me,said she will not change.
she still talks to this guy,I felt loss of hope and started to not care so much, but I still love her.
last thing that happened is that there was a festival in another town for 3 days, she went there with 2 of her female friends and a guy, and they were all living in the same house during those 3 days.
I am torn now, wether to believe her and trust her that nothing happens and that she is still faithful to me or that she is doing something behind my back.
After this I became distant and I met a girl online that was really into me but I still feel horrible if I feel that I would talk to this new girl (I will call her C) knowing that she wants a relationship with me.
C is very beautiful and seems to be an indoor girl, she says she does not smoke,drink or go to parties and takes care of her old father, right now I treat C as a friend nothing more, but C wants a relationship.
I still love A, I don't want to lose her even though I suffered alot with her,so I am currently ignoring C , I am very insecure about leaving A, I don't feel anything towards C.
So I have to choose between a girl I love so much but not happy with her and she gives me hell, or a girl I don't love but may or may not turn out to be good, so far I don't know C well enough to know if she is good or not.
I am torn and I feel like I want to put a bullet in my head, help /adv/ I am confused, what do?