/adv/ is dead, need relationship advice

Hey /adv/

I am in a bit of a dilemma and I need your opinion, so I have been dating a girl for 3 years (I will call her A) and the sex was great, but she has many male friends, goes to parties alot and generally refuses to compromise when I ask her to slow down on parties and male friends, she does not drink nor flirt or dance with guys, she just dances alone.

A's friends are party goers and they always invite her, and she likes to go

due to lack of work where we live I work in another town, so I am out of town for 20 days each month, this situation developed because I didn't have enough money while I was with her in this town , the work there does not pay enough, and she was bothered by the lack of money, so I took a job in another town

Sometimes her friends come to visit her at home,sometimes males sometimes females, sometimes both.

this bothers me and I asked her not to, but she refused to tell them to not visit while I am away,she said that nothing happens and it's all in my mind.

Back a year ago,the situation made me very stressed and I started taking hard drugs, namely heroin and cocaine, I had a drug problem and I sometimes stole A's savings,and lied to her.

one time A told me that one of her friends kissed her on the mouth when they were saying goodbye, she told him to not do this again and that she is with me and loves me ,I got furious and I asked her what would she do?

she said he knows his mistake and will not do it again, she said that she understands his weakness, and she does not judge him, and that she will still talk to him.

(1)

(cont 2)

I got very angry, and broke up with her, decided to go on a trip to the beach with another girl (I will call her B) I know that B was into me, during this vacation I saw that the B was worse, she would dress like a slut and flirt with men openly while I was around, I didn't touch this girl and we lived in separate places, I realized that my gf A is better than B, then tried to get back to my gf A, she accepted, and we were back together.

but A's behavior didn't change, she claims that the guys she knows are brothers to her and nothing more, I got suspicious and started to watch her, but I didn't find anything that implies cheating or being unfaithful, she just likes to have guy friends but not more than friends.

But A now don't trust me,she suspects everything I tell her and we fight alot.

we went through alot of fights and we broke up many times but we got back together again.

But I can't shake the feeling that she A is hiding something, I sometimes feel she has a secret life that she hides very well and is doing something behind my back.

A thinks I am controlling and possessive and that I want her to change, I used to have her social media accounts but she changed it when we broke up.

I love her so much but I really hate her behavior, clubbing,parties,friends,bad mood…etc

(cont 3)

in some situations where I had disagreements with her friends she took her friend's side and she cared for them more than she cared about me, one time I got pnuemonia and was very sick, I felt so down and one of my exes was online, I talked to her online , when A saw this she was angry and went out to a party, I had a fever and was in a really bad shape, yet she went to this party and stayed there for late,I pulled myself together and went to the club that she was in, and she was there with her friends, I told her that I was really sick and that she should be a bit more considerate,she just said that I am using my sickness to get her sympathy,she was angry I talked to this ex.

And then I went to a city to undergo an operation, she started to be a bit more supportive but would be angry at me from time to time, even when I was in the hospital.

I recovered then went back to live together in our house, she would remind me of how bad I was with her and how I lied to her and treated her bad.

she would remind me that I went to holiday with the other girl B .

during this time we had much less sex and less romance, her mood swings got so bad, and I was falling into desperation again.

I started using drugs again after I abstained for a year, I started lying to her again.

she found out and we broke up, then we came back together again.

lately, she had a friend (female) who got into a relation with a guy, then broke up with him and stopped talking to him

However my gf A still talks to this guy (even after her friend stopped talking to him) and he visits my gf A in our house and she visits him in his house often, I asked her not to have any guy friends in our house while I am away and instead just hang out in a group (guys and girls), she refused and threatened to leave me,said she will not change.

she still talks to this guy,I felt loss of hope and started to not care so much, but I still love her.

last thing that happened is that there was a festival in another town for 3 days, she went there with 2 of her female friends and a guy, and they were all living in the same house during those 3 days.

I am torn now, wether to believe her and trust her that nothing happens and that she is still faithful to me or that she is doing something behind my back.

After this I became distant and I met a girl online that was really into me but I still feel horrible if I feel that I would talk to this new girl (I will call her C) knowing that she wants a relationship with me.

C is very beautiful and seems to be an indoor girl, she says she does not smoke,drink or go to parties and takes care of her old father, right now I treat C as a friend nothing more, but C wants a relationship.

I still love A, I don't want to lose her even though I suffered alot with her,so I am currently ignoring C , I am very insecure about leaving A, I don't feel anything towards C.

So I have to choose between a girl I love so much but not happy with her and she gives me hell, or a girl I don't love but may or may not turn out to be good, so far I don't know C well enough to know if she is good or not.

I am torn and I feel like I want to put a bullet in my head, help /adv/ I am confused, what do?

note that the only thing keeping me and A together is my ability to overlook what she does, if I made a problem, then we will break up, she refuses to compromise, she says that to compromise is to lose herself and she will not be happy, that I should accept her, and try to make myself happy and not expect her to do what I want.

she gets very jealous if I talk to other women and start to go to more parties and does everything that I hate.

so her male friends are her brothers, but when I go with female friends she makes a huge deal out of it, and threatens to leave, also she has a "my way or the highway attitude" and if you are not happy with me like I am just leave.

But I have invested alot in this relationship, emotionally,financially, I would lose alot if I just left.

and even when I leave,she still comes after me to bring me back to the relation.

Break up with her and learn pick up unless you want to be cucked all your life, the fact that your insecure about her leaving you is going to drive you crazy and make the relationship shit

Tell A to fuck off. She sounds like a hypocrite. Get with C, she sounds nice.
But who am I to judge, I still haven't kissed a girl yet

In my honest opinion you sound pretty douchey man. I lost a really good friend of mine because her boyfriend didn't like how close we were, being of opposite genders, so instead of staying herself like your girlfriend is doing she changed and has become this totally different person.

Much like you, he runs her social media, phone, texts, etc. I talked to her briefly at our graduation ceremony recently, only because he wasn't there, for the first time in months and she looked and seemed like she was very unhappy- a totally changed person. She briefly apologized to me and didn't speak to me or anyone else the rest of the time. I imagine this was because he was probably watching her from the crowd.

If you really love her, why do you want to change her? Love is unconditional you ass. Don't try to change her, she's a fucking independent person. You sound like a baby. It sounds more like you're her problem. She really loves you but she doesn't want to change for you, but she knows that if she doesn't you're gonna keep spiraling into this weird jealousy fueled depressive drug-binging hell.

My suggestion? Learn to trust her. Trust is a key part of any relationship, and is obviously your biggest problem here. She's not fucking around, she just has friends. It does sound like she should not harp on you for having girly friends, but then again she's not out vacationing with just her and one other guy either. It's totally normal for friends of opposite genders to hang out alone though, I do it all the time.

Chill the fuck out, Love Her, Quit trying to change her, Stop talking to people you know want more than what you're giving them, Stop fucking around with exes, and stop fucking around with drugs. EVERYBODY has a breaking point, and eventually A is gonna see you for the shitbird that you really are and get on the shitliner to shit island. Don't shit this up.

Hi dude.

Been in a relationship like yours.
Lasted 3 years. Loved her greatly, she had male friends and a double standard.
Once I was talking with my bank overseas by telephone, was a woman helping me, she said have a good day, I replied "you too" and my girlfriend at the time repeated it in a mocking way.
She was probably a borderline, maybe yours is too.

Read about borderline personality disorder, search for "the endless dance" with BPD.
See what you recognise from it.

You being the forgiving punchbag, her being the selfish whore.
Never be in a relationship with a girl who has that double standard.
Your girlfriend does not respect you at all.
She acts out when you do something minor, she led you to destructive behaviours, like drugs and temptation of promiscuity,

You love her, you've invested a lot.
The fact is never ever going to change.
Never.
Do you want to live the rest of your life in stress and doubt, wondering about how many dicks she might be sucking and riding?
That's what it will be like, until she dumps you without a second thought when she finds a new emotional cushion for her to blame everything on.

Don't wait for another bad situation, don't wait for anything,
Pack your shit, secretly if need be.
Make preparations to move out, and leave.
Do not forewarn, do not hesitate or let her use sex to confuse you.

Leave and cut contact.
Don't listen to her whinings.
Delete block block.

Then move forwards.
With chick C or alone.

Don't fuck up your self esteem by staying with this lunatic that treats you like shit.

Like you said, she treats these "boy friends" better than she treats you.

Get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and pat yourself on the back when you've done it.

Sounds like a bitter beta orbitter that wanted some alone time with another guy's girlfriend.

Admit it, you'd fuck her if you were given half a chance.
Faggot.

Nah, she isn't very attractive, and I'm gay lol

I love Kennedi Cotarelo, I want her to forgive me

I fucking love science Kennedi Cotarelo

I can be sometimes, but not without a good reason,I haven't even started hanging out with girls till she was being so open with other guys that clearly want to be more than friends,we have common male friends whom I trust and don't mind her hanging out with.


I know when someone is just a "good friend" or is gaming my woman.
I can tell, she can't, or she chooses to ignore it, she is a very forgiving person with others,but not with me.


she actually has mine too, I havent changed the password she did, also she asked me to in the beginning of the relation.
i didn't demand anything,yet when red flags were popping all over, I started to be more controlling, I don't know ,I don't really trust girls who go clubbing alot and have alot of male friends.


well, I don't believe unconditional love should involve a chance of being cucked.
being cucked and knowing about it is better than being cucked and not knowing.
that is just plain cruel.

about my self destructive behavior, I couldn't find any other solution, you don't know how that feels man. a woman can really mess up your life if she wants.
I don't want to change her, I just want to be respected, I want her to live up to her words of love and act like it,I want her to be my ally and not everyone else's but not mine.


I agree about trust, I try, there is a good chance that she is loyal, but she behaves in a very erratic and unclear way. when it's 50-50 your can lose your mind if you love so much.


I haven't went on a vacation with that girl on my own accord, someone kissed her and she didn't respond the right way.
I went with this girl because I wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine, maybe it's not wise what I did, as since that she does not trust me.but I was badly injured by her lack of propper action (cutting this guy out of her circle of friends).


I am starting to see the futility of trying to change someone or forcing them to respect you.
but the alternative is just letting it all fall apart. which I don't want to do.


she does the same.

>Stop fucking around with exes, and stop fucking around with drugs.

I never touched another woman since I known her.
You are right about drugs though.

EVERYBODY has a breaking point, and eventually A is gonna see you for the shitbird that you really are and get on the shitliner to shit island. Don't shit this up.

yes…
I hope I can be 100% sure.
I hope that I can find out without any shadow of doubt that I was the douchebag and she was innocent, I would be relieved and treat her right till the end.
but how can I be sure ?
I hope you are right man, I really do.

OP there are so many redflags here I've lost count.

There are tons of girls out there who are better than her. You've got to cut her out of your life completely like you quit drugs the first time. Otherwise, nothing's going to change.

never works. you fucked up big time here. Now she thinks you're a needy loser who can't find anyone else. There was a reason you broke up. In fact, there are many reasons.

You already know what you need to do, I don't know why you're even asking for advice. Unless you like attention. Get out of the relationship and clear your fucking head. You're too emotional right now and it's fucking you up. Stay single and stay far away from her.

yes mine, kept complaining for a whole year that I called a female friend sweetie, yet she hugs and pats every guy friend she has, it's totally ok if she does it, all hell breaks loose when I do it.


what's the difference between a borderline and a narcissist ?
women are very susceptible to narcissism I hear.

See what you recognise from it.

I will.


she can be very selfish yes.
once she told me that, "I don't choose my happiness over yours, I only choose my happiness.

she would provoke an action by doing something that upsets me, and when I react she would keep on blaming me and guilt tripping me for a looong time.

She acts out when you do something minor, she led you to destructive behaviors, like drugs and temptation of promiscuity.

true all my shitty behavior were after a major issue, I am just reacting, not in control at all.
I hate that feeling.

The fact is never ever going to change.
Never.

yes, she will not, she said it.


NO, but I am asking myself is this doubt well founded or am I just fucked up?!
is my heart misleading my mind or my mind misleading my heart. feels bad man.

That's what it will be like, until she dumps you without a second thought when she finds a new emotional cushion for her to blame everything on.

it's so stressful, I don't even know if leaving will fix anything, I'm afraid I will stay fucked up after leaving, and not having any contact.
I think this is due to my first relationship, I was young with no experience, I believed a friend who said to me that my gf was seeing a guy in another,turns out it''s a girl that looks exactly like her, I apologized,tried to get her back but she always rejected.

Like you said, she treats these "boy friends" better than she treats you.

yes, she puts more value in friends than in her partner, that's wrong.
"they haven't hurt me, you did" is her words.


I will see,maybe I do this, I can't take anymore stress, and still I love her, tried to stay away for sometimes,tried to cope with her withdrawal, I got those long ass elder scrolls games, some bags of weed and tried to forget her, it somehow worked, till I wanted sex, so I went to her, slept with her, now I can't take her off my mind.

just Holla Forums yourself.

ITT: op makes up a girlfriend to convince us he's not a faggot.

kek

There is alot of redflags I admit.


You are right, I am too emotional right now, now I have to make up my mind whether I quit my job and go live with her and get a remote job over the internet, we talked about that and she welcomes it, she just says that she will not be willing to go on if I don't change.

Or quit her altogether and see that other girl C and try to rebuild my shattered sanity once more.

I hate her friends, girls and guys, things go well between us when they are not around.

They show up and things start to go sideways.

when they are not there,


they show up.
CHAOS

You're a druggie and you und think you dont deserve her. Shake off that insecurity, faggot.

You and A deserve each other. Don't ruin C with your bullshit.

As a guy who has fucked a friends wife and gotten a blowie from another fiends girlfriend, I will say assume she is cheating if any of these guys are attractive.

Dude why don't you go to a party with her and see how she and her "bros" act? Although I wouldn't waste my time at this point since you took so fucking long to ask for advice.

last party we went to she was all over a place, social butterfly, she would stay with her friends over there for a while, then she would go over here, I found it embarrassing to keep following her around, she just didn't seem like she wanted to hang out where I was, then we went to the dance floor I danced to a song I like with her (by with her I mean next to each other, not like how couples dance as she didn't want to dance with me or anyone else) she just kept dancing all night on her own, and I just sat there with some friends of mine,but still have my eyes on her,she didn't dance with anyone.

on another party some months ago, she was approached by some dude, she didn't know and she exchanged some words with him getting close to her ear since the music was too loud, he was asking her about a toy that makes lights, she said to me after when I asked her.

she is open with people, and often will get hit on by guys, but I don't think she would act freely when I am in the same party.

yes,well most of them are not attractive, I mean I am more attractive that all of them, yet she would have special interest in 1 or two mostly 2 dj dudes ,but one of those is married, the other she tells me he is so childish and intolerable,but she hangs out with him anyway.

...

um…

stop using drugs, stealing her money, and get a better job?

you sound like such a loser. if she were worthwhile i would steal her from you, but she is probably just as worthless as you

that's the one she's fucking

This.

I don't do that anymore, this was 2 years ago when I was out of control,now I have a job,gave her the money I stole and support her often,that's why I am in another town for work.

are you trolling or is this really what you think? because I also have this suspicion, she is maybe trying to disqualify him in my eyes.

Ah

Well what do you want?

I>>5842397
I didn't really believe that women cheated until I found out for sure that mine had cheated on me during our relationship of 3 years. I didn't find out until 6 months after the fact.

I still didn't really believe it until I was fucking my coworker (who has a boyfriend of 5+ years) and she swore up and down that she would break up with him and be with me. That was three months ago and she is still my coworker but no longer my lover. I wish it were different, but that's just how women are.

I feel like I understand women now for the first time in my life. From now on, I'm just going to assume that ANY woman is capable of cheating and they can do it at any time. If you give them a good reason to cheat- like losing your job or yelling at them a little- then they will almost certainly start looking for a new man right away.

Loyalty is not a trait that women value.

You are so wrapped up in her that you can't think clearly.

Imagine how great your life might be if you had a girl that DIDN'T go out all the time when you were away working making money for the both of you, and DIDN'T have a bunch of dudes visiting her all the time.

I remember making a thread like this one drunk one night on 4chan. Telling people about my relationship and asking if they thought she was cheating on me.

They laughed and said that she almost certainly was. I got mad and kept believing otherwise. It wasn't until a mutual friend told me that I finally learned the truth.

It was actually really healing to hear it for sure. My suspicions were justified (even though she punished me severely for having them) and I felt absolved of some of the guilt of the end of the relationship. Until I found out for sure- I always assumed that there was something wrong with me and that's why she left.

After, I realized that she was the one that has something wrong with her. She could have just broken up with me, she didn't have to lie to me, fuck around on me, force me to break up with her because she was too cowardly to do it.

I got in shape and turned my life around. She was the catalyst. If anything I should thank her.

It's really cool that you stopped, I hate heroin and cocaine.

Fucked up a bunch of my friend's lives.

yes most have a hard time keeping their legs closed, the point is you would not know for sure until you get an undeniable evidence, and that's not easy to come by, some women are so good in hiding it.

I don't know man, maybe I should just stay single, relationships like this disturb my inner peace so much, I feel so burnt out.

I agree those drugs make things much worse.

I want to know for sure, if I know, I would sleep easy and if she is a cheating whore, I would drop her and not look back.

if she was loyal, then I would treat her well and make her happy.

I am sure many of Holla Forumstards have went through this shit before, I seen some threads where Holla Forumsros have turned gay, addicts or mgtow because of this shit.

it truely can fuck us up.

Well, good luck finding proof.

My tolerance for shit like this is completely gone. I wouldn't wait to find out for sure in a future relationship. If she is giving me reason to be suspicious then I'm already out the door.

Not all women cheat- but they are just as likely to do it as men.

I think you should just leave her ass. But my perspective is a bit different than yours- I'm single, living a in a fun new city with lots of hot women in it. I'm a lot more stable than I was back then and a lot happier.

Women are just barely worth the cost of keeping them around.

I admire your uncompromising attitude, but I am knees deep into this web of emotions and doubts to make a decision, I guess I have to keep observing and pray for the truth.

And now you are probably seething with jealousy at these imagined scenarios.

This is the wrong course of action as well. A jealous accusation of infidelity will not help you. She will deny it no matter what and it will make you look unhinged, emotional, and dangerous (particularly if it's true)

I advise you to embrace stoicism as quickly as you are able. The easy answer is to drink yourself into a coma and hope that your problems go away- but that will just lead to more problems.

Deny your emotions. Learn to control them. The sooner you can do this- the less pain you will feel.

It's better to be empty and feel nothing- then to let the sadness and rage consume you.

Exercise helps too.

This is what they were trying to warn us about in Genesis in the bible. Women will always listen to the snake.

Good luck.

I'm sorry I called you a loser. I don't think that now.

Bull. Shit. When you get into relationships both people need to change and this will affect their other relationships.

OP, even if she is not fucking around with other guys, the fact that she knows it gets to you and still does it is a problem. Not necessarily hers, though. If she likes doing that, then stop torturing yourself with her. She has shown you multiple times she will not change for you. Your behaviour is overall jealous, but this is not a bad thing. You're trying to apply it to someone that refuses to appreciate what it could do for the pair of you.

As other anons have said, there are a lot of red flags. I know the feeling of having been in a relationship for a while and not wanting to waste that time, but that's like doing a uni course and realising half way through that you hate it, but keep doing it and end up wasting 20K instead of 10K. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy.

Stoicism that's a good advice, thanks Holla Forumsro.


thanks Holla Forumsro,don't worry about it.

Man. They are not the problem. Because of the emotions fighting inside you, the wanting to believe she is pure and worthy of your love, then you will try to blame anything that isn't her. You try to reason things away, more and more and more, blaming yourself or circumstances to the point of it being utterly ridiculous.

I know because I did it.

The real cause of all of this shit is HER.
She is the one fucking up when her friends are there. She is the one who chose the lame friends. She is the one acting like a cunt.
She is the one you keep having to make up excuses for.

Think about the Lifetime channel filma with battered wives saying "it's my fault, I burnt his dinner so he stuck a golf club in my cunt and stubbed his cigarettes out on my tits".

Pathetic right? Unrealistic? But it is what happens because the sane but weak one tries to make sense of why someone would treat them so horribly.
"There must be a reason, the reason must be me,,I must be bad. Or her friends, or I'm not doing enough".

I went through all of this. My good friend was telling me to give it a month, if it doesn't improve, end it.
Two years after that, she left anyway and kept me strung along. My health was destroyed by the stress and along with other factors, is now perhaps permanently ruined.

Don't make the same mistake as me.

You'll drive yourself crazy asking is it in your head, are you the problem, etc.

She's the one with the disgusting behaviour, disrespectful and disloyal.

She "can't forgive you" for your terrible crimes.
Is that it then, 50 years down the line and when your grandkids are around, she'll say "you hurt me, I'll never miss you again, because you went on a date with a female human being.

Sound sane or fun?
I don't think so.

People gave me the same advice, I wish I had taken it.
Every moment you stay attached to her, is another moment where your self esteem goes lower and your time

Then spend your time construviely for a few months.
Keep busy and build positive thoughts.

...

I'm saying this because I love you OP, but you sound like me 20 years ago and I was an obsessive asshole.

I will give you one example:

The shit you do to her waaaaaay worse than what you accuse her of, but you excuse it because you see things from your POV. Meanwhile you exaggerate her faults to justify your own bad behavior.

Also

Is that what relationships are to you?

user, again I love you but reality check you are a total tool.

Hate to do this but does anyone have that drawing of the angry trumpet guy with some of his quotes on the side?

some of this too

She sounds like a selfish turf with no regard for you whatsoever. That's from your words here.

You sound like a punchbag who internalises everything and acts out in different ways.

End the drugs completely. End things with her too, then spend the time working on yourself.
Deal with problems that come, quickly and appropriately. Don't hold in feelings. Express yourself in a reasonable way.

Who do you want to be?

QUARK
go kill yourself
QUARK
vvvvvrooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm

All the advice here is too complicated. OP, here's the plan:

Break up with girl - You're just not good for each other.
Drop the drugs - Figure this out on your own, I'm no junkie.
Start lifting at the gym - The best feeling in the world is a good 5x5 bench press

K

I know this thread is stale but here's my good advice if you're still here OP:

If you don't like the girl then break up with her, don't try to change her.

If you ask her to change and she doesn't and what she does still bothers you then it's time to move on, find another girl who either doesn't do that shit that you don't like or respects you and loves you enough to stop doing it for you, otherwise you would have to be the unhappy douchefag who settled down for much less than he wanted and spends his life being miserable.

Also,

Seriously OP? Don't be a cuck now, if the next thing she tells you is she slipped and fell on his dick would you believe it? You probably would. I promise you OP if you let this shit slide it will get much worse, a long time has passed so she is probably bored of this relationship and wants another guy herself, there is nothing holding her back, no marriage contract, no baby, nothing, she also thinks it's time to move on.

And also, don't do drugs man, please, that shit will destroy you.