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5 Things Adults Should Stop Being Nostalgic For

We all have our own nostalgias. Maybe you remember Full House well enough to let your TV spray diarrhea into your brain for the first season of Fuller House. You can't help it. When you have vague, pleasant memories associated with a thing, that nostalgia can cloud perceptions for the rest of your life. It's why you miss the laughter of Full House the same way North Carolinians miss unaltered genitals in their restrooms. One difference: We eventually did away with archaic tragedies like woman-less caucuses
and "no coloreds" toilets, but Netflix is making a second season of Fuller House. So sorry if you went into this article thinking, "I remember liking that mediocre '90s show," and now you've discovered you're worse than racism. Well, you're not going to like this either: The X-Files isn't very good, and here are five other pop culture properties who don't deserve any of our nostalgia.

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#5. Final Fantasy VII
In the summer of last year, Square Enix announced a remake of the 1997 PlayStation game Final Fantasy VII. What followed was a nostalgia explosion. The internet reacted like it found an old shoebox of police reports from the first woman it publicly destroyed. They couldn't wait to relive such beautiful memories. Some people even filmed themselves crying, which I bring up only because that kind of reckless wonderment becomes a public health issue. No scientist will be brave enough prove this, but whenever a person cries over Final Fantasy, a piece of Sonic The Hedgehog fan art magically comes to life and devours the troubled boy who drew it. It's very nearly the sexiest way to die. So why are people so nostalgic for this game? The obvious explanation is that Final Fantasy was the backdrop for their least-embarrassing puberty moments. But you could also argue it helped establish an entire genre. Before Final Fantasy VII, RPGs as a genre were about as popular as colonoscopy diagnostic software and sex-offender databases. You couldn't even buy RPGs in stores. They were exclusively delivered to households who checked multiple "asexual" boxes on their government census. The only way to get Virtual Hydlide tips was if one of your classmates met you at the school nurse while you waited for your moms to bring you clean pants. If you all knew the soul-crushing horrors we endured in Virtual Hydlide, you'd call us heroes. So, yes, Final Fantasy VII demonstrated to a generation that RPGs could be more than a pile of statistics and 12 colors of the same shitty cave bat. It had those, but there's something else it established – video games should have stories no matter what the cost. It might be terrible and boring, but none of your buttons work until it's done being told. Final Fantasy VII made that standard. It's insane anyone would want to revisit this game. It's a dull cyberpunk adventure told entirely through unwanted interruptions. One quest starts with you being sexually assaulted by gay bodybuilders in a hot tub and ends with an extended cross-dressing joke. That's not how you make gamers laugh anymore. That's how you make gamers ruin Twitter for an hour. Wait, this happened in Final Fantasy VII? Why do I remember this from church camp? The main character, Cloud, shouldn't be the starting point for an outrageous flipping of gender stereotypes. Cloud Strife looks like a scientist hit the "fuckably smooth" button on his cloner and forgot to select a sex. He's what a bleached asshole thinks the rest of itself looks like. Did enough people see Cloud Atlas for this joke to work? He looks like Halle Berry would look
if Cloud Atlas had an amyl nitrate dealer character? No? These words you're reading right now have never worked, but before anyone heads to the comments to explain how I just didn't get FFVII, or how it's so obviously not cyberpunk, or how gender is a beautiful spectrum and Cloud's lady clothes are courageous, ask yourself this: Are you defending this story because it was good? Or is it easier to convince yourself Final Fantasy VII is a masterpiece than admit you were bullied by a PlayStation into reading its garbage screenplay for 60 hours? Final Fantasy VII's plot is like Donald Trump's penis. It's a thin, pointless, twisted thing, and anyone who tells you differently is an insecure shithead. At its core, Final Fantasy VII is a love story. When it came out, FFVII boasted about the length of its rendered videos as if "longest running time" was everyone's favorite Oscar category. But length is something you brag about only when you're Donald Trump's penis or a guinea worm crawling out of a Third World rash, which is a stupid sentence to type since they're the same thing. What I'm trying to say is that if you took the last crumbs from an empty bag of Cheetos, Donald Trump's penis could hide among them and start a new life. It would finally be free … its master's tiny, moist hands never to touch it again.
If you could stop reading about tiny dongs for a second, there was a spell in Final Fantasy VII called Knights of the Round. Every time you cast it, which was probably often, it took 140 unskippable seconds to complete. That's no exaggeration. One hundred fucking forty seconds. If we really had Jedis, the release of Final Fantasy VII would have made them gasp, "It's as if a billion hours suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly erased from children's lives." When you were a kid, did you beat the Emerald WEAPON? Fantastic! That means you spent more time watching the same spell animation than you did showing your grandparents you loved them! All this indulgence made non-interactive spectacle a standard feature in games. .

op why do you hate us so much

A triple-A title is now obligated to spend an extra $50 million to smash a bad cartoon into their game. Destiny would be a perfect and amazing experience if they hadn't felt compelled to staple unskippable dogshit to the front and back of every gunfight. Hideo Kojima's Metal Gear Solid 5 would be the greatest achievement in fun history if it wasn't chained to the insane dumpster fire of Hideo Kojima's Metal Gear Solid movies.
So if FFVII makes you nostalgic for anything, it should be the days before it existed, when video games were about crappy movies, not filled with them. To be honest, I don't know how any Final Fantasy nostalgia still survives. Every seven seconds, Square Enix takes an existing game, adds characters with ridiculous haircuts, puts its name on it, and leaves it a little bit worse. The Final Fantasy brand is the "Guy Fieri Ate Here" sticker of software. Hey, kids! Guy Fieri says, "Snowboarding has never been as bomb-ass gangsta as it is with Cloud
and the Final Fantasy homeslicers!" There are so many goddamn Final Fantasies, even they can't keep them straight. While getting pictures for that earth-shattering Guy Fieri joke, I found some Taiwanese company who said "fuck it" and gave their app the exact title of a popular Final Fantasy game. It's about some blue zebra jumping up a tree, it's been there for months, and no one seems to care. It is straight-up crazy and almost certainly illegal. And for nothing! It's an act as fruitlessly criminal as renaming your restaurant "Guy Fieri's Rockin' Rape Convictions: 27, Wait 28." This is what your Final Fantasy nostalgia has wrought, you monsters. #4. X-Men The X-Men were superheroes designed to appeal to misfits and weirdos, which meant if you were the kind of person who read comic books, they had a good chance of resonating with you. The X-Men idea of embracing "the different" wobbled out of control almost immediately, and the writers were soon including every fringe science, foreign culture, and ridiculous power they could think of. It was like watching Steven Seagal movies from 1980 until now. Each new adventure led to a bit more insanity, a bit more bloat, and several new kinds of barely explainable fluids.The most popular X-Men storyline, The Dark Phoenix Saga, was a thousand pages of incoherent, aggressively pointless dream battles. And every X-Man character after 1975 was created by picking a random country and asking a mildly educated person to list everything they can remember about it. I mentioned in another article how the Irish one had a drinking problem and grew up in a leprechaun castle. The Chinese one made fireworks. The Japanese one is a samurai and also covered in goddamn atomic fire. I guarantee you if they made an Alaskan X-Man, his moose powers would have manifested by punching his pregnant wife in a canoe. Unfortunately, Captain Costa Rica and his Chiquita Blade never caught on with readers. Honestly, I don't care if the X-Men are vaguely racist. Vaguely racist is my comfort zone; it's how I order barbecue sides, speak Spanish, and accentuate a point with a gong strike. The problem I have with the X-Men is the contempt they had for their readers' intelligence. Classic X-Men were written for children, but never in our lives were we dumb enough to require all the explanation screamed out loud by the X-Men as they did obvious shit. They treated the reader as if they were as stupid as Jean Grey as she jumped out a window
and forgot she could fly at the exact same time. Well-written characters find ways to slip exposition into their dialog, but X-Men stopped every fight to perform a one-man show about their powers and origin stories. They explained every attack they ever dodged and every optic blast they ever fired. Did you ever hear how Storm grew up a thief in Cairo before being worshiped as a goddess in her native Kenya? You will, every time she ever shoots anything ever with a lightning bolt. You know what people used to call a leaping man with six knives before Wolverine? Explanation enough. In an X-Men comic, it's just a backdrop for a mid-air symposium on bionics and adamantium. An X-Man can find a way to explain his or her powers even with half a person's face in their mouth.

Most comics are written with new readers in mind. X-Men were written for people who have never seen metal or wings or even a simple blade made out of the focused totality of a ninja's telepathy. The point is, if you need a word bubble, a thought bubble, and a narrator's explanation to make sense of a superhero shooting eye lasers, maybe you don't deserve eye lasers? Maybe no one does. And it wasn't only the comic that was intolerable. Before Fred Durst's sex tape, X-Men on the Nintendo was the most terrible thing you could do to your TV. And like Fred Durst's sex tape, it starred undersized, underpowered creatures no one could properly control, and only the worst possible people completed it. Nintendo Colossus couldn't jump, Nintendo Cyclops died if you used his eye beams, and Nintendo Wolverine didn't even have claws. I promise I mean this as an insult, but if a group of fun-size candy bars ever came to life in the garbage and awkwardly learned how to roller skate, video evidence of it would be dismissed as gameplay from X-Men on Nintendo. Acclaim Obviously, the kind of madman who'd be nostalgic for the X-Men Nintendo game is probably just associating it with the happy memories of his first pet mutilation. But there are perfectly normal people who enjoyed the X-Men movies, and those movies hated superheroes more than a child reading his 45th explanation of optic blasts. Bryan Singer took everything silly and fun about the comics and threw it out, replacing it with the kind of "cool" you'd find on a cartoon cat. "Call a production design meeting. I think I found the look for that Z-Men picture." You might remember the moment in the first movie where leather daddy Wolverine and Cyclops almost sprain their faces trying not to wink at the camera during, "Well, what would you prefer? Yellow spandex?" Let's ignore how that's a first draft for the world's laziest superhero joke – isn't it a strange thing to bring up? I mean, if yellow spandex is so crazy, why did Bryan Singer make a movie about people who wear yellow spandex? Make a movie about Nazis in a basement if spandex is so embarrassing. Who would expect this kind of insecurity from a director who's talked so many stubborn teenage boys into sitting on his fingers? Solid burn, bro. And happy Muharram to the COOLEST nephew. Dressing superheroes like sex toys is the kind of thing we thought we had to do in the early 2000s. There was this desperate need to un-nerd their source material, and it created an artificial gap between comics and movies. The "cool" precedent set by X-Men is why movie Galactus was a cloud of CGI nothing instead of an awesome 30-story man dressed like a pink placemat maze. It's why League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen was adapted from a brilliant comic adventure into an instructional video for eating asshole. It's why Elektra is 90 minutes of sloshing afterbirth screaming from a bucket. If you watched Batman V Superman and thought, "This filmmaker sure seems to despise his subject matter and audience," just remember: The X-Men invented that. Ironically, being terrible at making fun of costumes was very much X-Men canon.#3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles You probably knew there would be some turtle ninjas or transforming robots in here when you saw the title of this article. And it's that genius that makes us such great friends. Though, pal, I think we can agree Transformers nostalgia has been dead for years. The only reason they still make those movies is because they're popular in China, and that's only because watching dull swarms of metal shapes get assembled into things is terrific job training for their children. So I wouldn't call the lingering presence of Transformers in our lives "nostalgia." Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, on the other hand, remains this magical unkillable relic from our childhoods, despite decades of insufferable sucking.

I guess you could say I'm more of a "New Style Ninja Tortoise" guy.
Even if 1 percent of Ninja Turtle products were atrocious, that still accounts for more atrocity than any other thing in the history of civilization. And the actual percentage is much higher than that. If you can put a product on or into a human child, you can buy a lower-quality version of it covered in Ninja Turtles. When aliens dig through our remains, the artifacts from this era will convince them our society revolved entirely around torturing and poisoning each other with barbaric turtle sorcery. Sorry, history! You know, again. The original idea for the turtles started almost as an accident. A man doodled a turtle holding weapons and labeled it "NINJA TURTLE." His friend added the words "TEENAGE MUTANT" to create, of course, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. This gag of using way too many silly words to describe something is attempted by thousands of people every day, and simple probability suggests the joke may even one day land. But something about that particular chain of silly words inspired Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. They decided to turn TMNT into an original comic. Well, not exactly original. They took the plot, setting, and characters of Daredevil and added animals. If this idea happened today, it would be called "Wow. Just Wow. Two Artists Reimagined Daredevil As Four Turtles, And It's Stunning."You might also like THESE ADORABLE CHILD STARS GREW UP TO BE F*G REPTILES
So this was a spoof with an absurd name that somehow ended up being taken seriously. It was so successful it sold out and immediately shot up in value. This led to others trying to copy its success, often almost exactly. A spoof came out called Adolescent Radioactive Black Belt Hamsters, which had all the wit of a robot doing a spot check of its Thesaurus systems. There was also Pre-Teen Dirty-Gene Kung-Fu Kangaroos, which seems more like a scientific study on the theoretical limits of uncleverness. The influx of these Ninja Turtle spoofs and copycats was so widely unwanted people actually credit them with bursting the indie-comic bubble. So, in a way, through its own unexplainable success, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles led to the destruction of its own industry. It didn't matter, though; right as that industry was giving out, some cartoon executives took Eastman and Laird's idea, added pizza and a space brain driving a nude roboman, and made it one of the raddest shows of the '80s. "Because I didn't WANT a battle tank! I wanted to look like one of them, while reminding them
of each physical and mental disability their Earth medicine hasn't eradicated!"
So this absurd spoof that was taken seriously got adapted to be absurd again, and from there it spawned six feature films, 40 video games, and a toyline for every concept and adjective. The Turtles even had a traveling sex fetish stage show for toddlers called the "Coming Out Of Their Shells" tour. The show starred what were obvious strippers in Turtle costumes pelvic-thrusting through songs like "Walk Straight" and "Tubin'." It was almost certainly the work of a genius looking to prove he could get parents to bring their kids to a 90-minute gay joke.To its credit, the show did give four at-risk teens a job outside the sex industry, if only just barely. As their numbers approached the thousands, each TMNT product was worse than the last. It formed a surplus of unwanted garbage that is today more likely to kill ocean life than make a child happy. "Ninja Turtle" is like a neutral color now. When you're at the store, "Ninja Turtle" is the kind of shirt or microwaveable meal or underpants you select instead of "gray." It's the pop culture equivalent of "I really don't care; just pick something."Nabisco Brands "Here's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cheese stencil."This caption was taken from the last words of a Nabisco marketer as he leapt from a window in 1991.

I've read what I needed to.

#2. James Bond Eon Productions
This is going to sound like I stormed into a room to tell you your favorite band sucks, but James Bond has been lazily coasting on nostalgia for at least 40 years. The character began as such an iconic karate-chopping, panty-dropping death machine that we hardly noticed when the people making his movies lost their mindYou're talking about the time they used a fake third nipple as the entirety of my disguise, aren't you?
Roger Moore would do things like dress himself like a crocodile or dress a machine gun like a spic. Eon ProductionS Those were not nonsense words I chained together out of silliness. He once, almost magically, turned a man into a balloon by stuffing an air capsule into his mouth. Eon Productions"Happy birthday!" faggot Obviously, I don't have a problem with any of this rampant lunacy. Who would? He exploded that man like a powerlifter blowing into a hot-water bottle, demonstrating all things are possible through the power of Christ. That's nothing but awesome. However, Bond's nonsense started to get decidedly less fun as the years went by. Pierce Brosnan was tortured by Koreans for years, which at least happened mostly off-camera. They zoom right in on Daniel Craig as he sits in a bottomless chair and had his nuts smashed with a rope. In Spectre, he gets strapped to another chair while Blofeld drills a hole into his skull. If they made Goldfinger today, Goldfinger would stay in the room and watch as the laser slowly crept toward Bond's crotch. Then, at the very last moment, the laser would linger on 007's groin for 40 seconds of searing testicle shrieks. Eon Productions "Pity you became a Bond in this grim modern world, Mr. Craig. In 1975, this ball-smashing rope would have been a slowly-filling water tank or a bowl of bored scorpions."
The fact that 007 movies are now cranky torture films might say more about us than it does about him, but even when James Bond was silly, he never seemed to be silly at the right time. For an action star, he forgets to make a joke after he murders someone way too often, yet he is always fucking around during mission briefings. Whenever Q tries to show him state-of-the-art – sometimes highly explosive – spy gadgets, Bond will be slapping random buttons like a stock photo girl playing video games. Eon Productions They lose three or four 007s to mission briefings every day. I guess when you are legally allowed to kill whoever you want, you don't worry so much about playing with explosives. If James Bond accidentally kills a room of technicians with a bomb, he can use his remaining fingers to flip off the police when they're cleaning up the corpses. He has the same attitude when it comes to his dick. He will meet a girl and know nothing about her except that she dates bio-terrorists and doesn't mind when strangers grab her by the neck and ram their tongues into her mouth. I'm surprised he can even smooth-talk all those women over the sounds of their coughing vaginas.I think of all Bond's flaws, the one that bothers me the most is how, after all his training, he is always helpless in a fistfight. I don't mean choreography-wise. For instance, Bill Shatner may have moved like a chocolate Santa left in the sun, but Captain Kirk and T.J. Hooker could fight. By contrast, as soon as a battle starts, James Bond goes from suave secret agent to punching bag. He fights like a RealDoll being industrially tested for safe usage. It doesn't seem like this should be real, but if you go back and watch any Bond movie, he wins all fistfights by way of bumbling luck or a woman coming to his rescue. James Bond doesn't stick it into every woman he meets because of some kind of gland problem. He does it to make sure there's someone in his hotel room who can fight in case a 70-year-old maid bursts in and kicks the shit out of him.Again, those are not nonsense words I chained together out of silliness.

Oh fuck them for this

#1. Sex And The City
HBO
Hi, ladies. You might look back on Sex And The City as the trendsetting show that helped you find your place in the grand spectrum of femininity. Are you a prude? A Carrie? A slut? The other one? Well, this may be hard to hear, but those nice memories you have of Sex And The City are like the talking goats at your nude daycare. They never happened; it's simply your brain trying to make sense of Satan's Great Power.HBOSatan is such a Charlotte.
You're probably wondering what makes me think I know anything about women and their TVs. And that's fair. I normally only think about women's feelings when I'm posting their family's address to protect the integrity of my video games. The closest I ever came to being a feminist was when I wrote The Outrageous Rack And Everyway Rebellion Of Gloryhole Hymen, a poorly received Gloria Steinem porn parody. In case you haven't noticed, I'm making fun of these cissexist nerds like you. I can shit on you all I want and you'll easily just eat it up gleefully because you're so desperate for my approval when you're too pathetic to get anyone else's. See girls, I showed these nerds. And as a white transracial male I'll say I know more about women than women. But even I recognize Sex And The City as an irresponsible, condescending mess. A SATC script was a child's idea of wisdom, dumbed down for an idiot's idea of a woman. Let me give an example.
In one episode, the homely one was complaining about a date that ended without cock. Ron Livingston heard the story and offered, "He's just not that into you." You might remember the line since it spun off into an entire book and feature film. That dumb-ass sentence had a bigger post-Sex And The City career than any of the principle cast. This is a show about the wisdom and intuition of four sex-positive women, and some random guy blows their mind with an observation just rude enough to not be called obvious. He might as well have said, "I don't know the dude, but did your shitty tits look that sad on your date?" There's a difference between "simple" and "stupid," but Sex And The City wouldn't know. Those walking contraceptive sponges ate up condescending advice like drowning children in a G.I. Joe cartoon.In the year 2000, an episode of Sex And The City aired that changed the face of stupid forever. The main drama was Kim Cattrall's character was dating a black man, and his sister disapproved. When Kim finally confronted her about it, the reason for her disapproval was dumber than you could possibly imagine. It wasn't because of a subtle minefield of unspoken rules black people need to navigate that whites will never understand. It wasn't because Caucasians avoid washcloths yet seek out sorcery, or because her harvest pumpkin body beads might create a toxic paste when they touch cocoa butter. His sister explained, and I quote, "I'm sure you're a very nice person, but … you're white." Seriously, white people are awful. But everyone has there own opinions! It's okay. It just means you have an extremely shitty opinion and you're only purpose in life is to listen to my opinions you f*:^)*gs. HBO Do you understand this delicate racial issue now? What the second-ever black character on Sex And The City was saying is: Whites and blacks don't belong together, and it's because they're different colors. I know it's confusing, so let me see if I can explain it more clearly: Say a Sex And The City writer accidentally got invited to an emergency U.N. summit. He would interrupt to say, "Oh, I see the problem! Some of these guys speak wetback or something! Allow me to explain: People in other countries have different languages. And Israel and Palestine? You guys are overthinking it – just, like, stop fighting."
Sex And The City writers weren't exactly imbeciles, but they were supernaturally uncomplicated. They attacked problems with the child-like simplicity of cissex shitlords, ones that never went haywire from flashes of their human memories. In other words, the show was written by perfect killing machines. The kind of remorseless monsters who can jump into a feminist debate and instantly win it by pointing out the unspoken physical differences between men and women.HBOYa watching Girls! You guys still arguing about equal pay? Well, I'll just come right out and say it. Women bleed out of their gonads and can't do pull-ups. The end. Sex And The City tried to dumb down issues for

What the fuck is the enter button just post it in one block so it's easy to read just do it a solid massive block of text

a female audience and accidentally overshot it into "horse audience." I've never met a woman stupid enough for this show, and the top hobby on my Tinder profile is "politicol debaits. ;)" Let me ;) give you :] another :0example. In the very same episode in which all interracial relation:)ships are reduced to a dingbat identifying colors,:)))) Sex And The City tackled gay issues. I have to warn you: It's incredible.;);););;));):):):):):):):):) While Kim Cattrall was experiencing her own little Apartheid, the show's B-plot involved Carrie's gay friend seeing a new man. The SATC writers knew they had to get these fellas into some authentically gay trouble, but what could that be? Coming out to parents? Trapped in Phil Collins' mouth? No, you're thinking too complicated. What happened was, Carrie's friend went home with a man who collected porcelain dolls. It sounds pretty gay already, don't worry I don't mean gay people are bad! I have liberal priveleges to speak smack about gays. Just kidding faggot. but wait until you hear this: When they started fucking, his dolls fell over and broke! I know! Grown men typed this article and a Golden Globe Award-winning crew filmed it! Maybe I'm just jealous because I'll never write anything so efficient, but that seems like it came from the imagination of an ancient time traveler who just had "gay" explained to him.Did they accidentally film the sarcastic suggestions from the Entourage writers room? And while we're all here trying to solve this mystery: If "doll collection ruined by anal" was the gay plot they picked, what were the rejected ones? Mario Cantone loses bread maker auction to Kathy Griffin at charity event? Mix-up leaves beautiful cake in bathroom stall while nude stranger served to wedding? Jesus fucking Christ, Sex And The City. Even I know more about gay people than you do, and the top hobby on my Grindr profile is "Ask God for strength to chainge. jock 9 inches cut ;)"
I feel like all this butt stuff is making it hard to get my point across. I'll try to explain it a different way. You know when you're watching a crime procedural related to one of your hobbies and the writers just get fucking everything wrong? Ice T will be talking about rave culture or coin collecting or whatever, and you'd swear they went out of their way to avoid even reading a Wikipedia entrB==0y on the subject.;););)HBO;););)I bet it pisses off Law & Order: SVU knowing it can't talk like me but I absolutely can talk like it.Anyone with a TV is used ;))))to seeing clumsy;)))) TV writers invade their c;)ulture. You'll be relaxing in front of a show when a clueless detective starts interviewing witnesses at a hobby convention and they reduce everything impor;)tant in your life to thre;))))e moronic, error-filled sentences. You'll scream so;)mething like, "What is t;)his bullshit?! That's n;))))ot, snaarf,;)))))) how real furries talk!! Sna;)aarf!!" Well, Sex And The City wa;)s exactly like that, only all the time and for entire ra;)))))ces and;) genders of people. This may sound like a total Miranda thing to say, but we are all dumber for having shared a world with it.;)))) Seanbaby is a professional delight and game designer. Play his acclaimed game Calculords or enjoy him on Twitter. Did you like Anita? Did you? I'm a professional! Anita? Anita? ANita? Anita? Anita? anita anita anita anita anitaanitanitanaitaniatianitananaitananalanANITANANITANITANITANITANITANITANITANITANIT

Seanbaby wrote this. Jesus fucking Christ

THE END

That means we know it's ironic?

I used to like Seanbaby's articles, though that was a few years ago. Haven't visited Cracked since. It's still not too late to crucify me though.

It means hes just another fucking beta. I thought maybe, just maybe, he wouldnt turn to shit.

Almost the entire list is the biggest gathering of shit opinions Ive seen in a long time

It's actually not bad apart from the dumb gamergate jokes. Read the archive though because OP badly fucked up the formatting.

No. I read the archive. Fuck Seanbaby

Okay.

God, he's tossing out whatever hip and trendy new slang and politically-correct terms he can think of and hoping they coagulate into a joke.

Why am I being made to look at this?

this is as far as I can force myself to read. I'm done.

Cracked a couple years ago was cancer. I'd occasionally laugh at a joke when I used to read it in collegeYeah I know, I'm not proud of it., but then they started shoveling in more identity politics BS.

Now it's like the cancer has completely eaten away at the body, and it's just shuffling around in the victim's skin.

I couldn't finish it, user. God, I tried!

I want to go on a crusade. Anyone else want to go on a crusade?

Just do what I do. Don't talk about them or acknowledge their existence outside these threads.

This is the first time I remembered Cracked exists in two years.

pls no

There was once laughter and hope here, a long time ago. It's gone now.

Why would you do this, OP?

>tfw cracked is what it is now, an unprofitable moneypit that takes itself far, far too seriously

These folks got paid for this? I could've written better article on FF7 in my sleep.

...

To be fair, he's using archive.is, so they don't get any revenue

THEN

NOW

THEN
CRACKED

he's right about ninja turtles. I tried watching the 80s series after seeing all the nostalgia fags reccomend it, and it was poorly animated, and shallowly written garbage. Why all the hate for this article? its not about sjw bullshit.

NOW?

Well my space cowboy (Am I too old to say this? Jeez does anyone get this reference?) let me give you the white boy low down. The article uses a smack-daddy banter that sounds like a hipster talking jive to you (That's like old person speak for 'speaking wrong', god I'm so white…and male!) and although they aren't breaking the social stereotypes and sexual shackles enforced by papa white man it's still annoying and y'know, grating on our ol' dilly ears

By god fuck you! Using more words than needed doesn't make you sound smart. I think I died a bit on the inside while reading.

This triggered quite a few people here last week, they refused to acknowledge it beyond "cracked" despite being in a relevant thread.

"It's [CURRENT YEAR] now… [LAST YEAR] was years ago."

I think we've passed a significant point in our history. 2012 was supposed to mark a period of tumultuous change, and here we are living it.

As we chant- we are the dead.

I'll admit, I had me a giggle at those lines.

Webcam that shit faggot.

if one jew joke is enough for you to accept cracked as watchable then you're hopeless

the animation itself is physically painful to watch

I just skimmed it and I still feel like I'm in the process of dying.

Top five cracked writers who should be raped and murdered
Top five cracked writers who will get "enriched" by niggers
Ten reasons why you're a stupid fucking faggot cunt

I miss when I used to be able to go to Cracked and read about interesting facts and amusing shit, without being preached at.

I won't lie, the jew joke made me chuckle.

Isn't seanbaby the one that married a sheboon?
Surprised he doesn't make articles about why animal-fucking should be legalized

Me too, user. I liked learning about stupid shit even if through the lens of an ignorant ass on the Internet.

I miss shit like their "Manliest Names" list.

Yeah, he married a black chick, IIRC after he did that he went on and on about it for a bit.

Honestly none of this surprises me since he's essentially been virtue signaling (through other means) for years now.

Tell that to the other anons linking cracked shit. Also, you do it. As funny as the thief hands and Jew joke are I'm not that excited to post it again.


Sadly, I used to enjoy their history & science stories. From the fascinating fact of what goats will do for drugs, to the laughably absurd idea Native Americans caused global cooling by burning so much wood.


Webm'd for you.

Oh fuck that name takes me back, he had problem hair 13 years ago when it was still considered punk.

I used to read his reviews in Electronic Gaming Monthly all the time.

Cracked has become more of joke than when it was MAD's inbred cousin

I've been procrastinating for years and I'm still a NEET who never moved out

Jesus Christ, we've had a better one for almost a week.

Get better at editing, fam.

I was in that thread. Was too lazy to find where I saved it or go back to the thread. Was also too lazy to edit it- but I did go to the trouble to make it anyway.

Notice the file sizes.

Mine

Yours

this pic is too accurate. Only thing missing is the dyed hair.

What do you mean? The top layer is hair dye seeping through the scalp.

That was some serious voodoo.

I'm unfamiliar with this. What is Bill Gaines' curse?

WALLS OF TEXT

MAD Magazine has killed off all of its rivals, except for Cracked (which fled to the internet with its tail between its legs)

I remember back in the day Cracked would sometimes put up an article talking shit about MAD.

I suppose it was just jealousy, looking back on it.

Yours is more lossy.

Ah, well, you're correct then. It's just yours had that black bar so I assumed. I just hit record in VLC to whip it up quick.

And then they got sold for $39 Million

Bill Gaines owned a voodoo doll, into which he pushed pins labeled with every single imitator that sprung up after MAD's success. When one of the imitators ceased publication, he would pull it's pin from the doll, freeing them of his curse. When Bill Gaines died in 1992, only one pin remained. The pin for Cracked.

Even from his grave, Bill Gaines' curse endures.

I guess that's what happens when you fuck with a wizard.

Seriously that's a wizard. He looks like the one from Ugly Americans.

And people say voodoo isn't real…

Either way, it makes a great urban legend

Also, why do liberals always make literally everything political? I mean this nigga didn't even finish a paragraph without adding a completely unrelated political event to the article.

Why do liberals do anything?
Because they're fucking retarded little faggots

Oh god, Cracked really did go full tumblrtard since 2013, didn't they


It's more of an American thing, really. I've noticed we really do have an inability to bite out tongues at the slightest thing when it comes to that. I have a friend here who does the exact same thing. Even something as minute as me explaining to another person how running too much can strain their foot and cause a small fracture made him feel the unbearable need to spin around in his seat and interrupt us for a flat Obamacare joke.

The problem is that sometime in the last few decades, we popularized political satire as the 'cool' and 'witty' thing for us to be into. So people that want to be seen as cool and witty will take literally any chance they see to insert (x) opinion on something, even if it's entirely unrelated (and done in a fashion that winds up being neither cool nor witty.)

If it makes you feel better, the kind of people that need to politicize everything are also -very- easily triggered by the same things. The same faggot I mentioned above will lose his shit the moment you drop a few coins on his table and tell him to believe in it.

Both suck dicks big time. There are more artifacts in those than wrinkles on my grandma.

We lost Seanbaby a long time ago.

isn't that body shaming?

This feels like Maddox going SJW

What the hell are you talking about?

Is this what happens when the rebel becomes the man?

...

I meant when the hell did Maddox go SJW?

I was saying the Seanbaby thing feels like if he did

Well, Maddox did just make a video saying there's nothing wrong with cuckoldry.

The actual line is: "Sex And The City writers weren't exactly imbeciles, but they were supernaturally uncomplicated. They attacked problems with the child-like simplicity of cyborg soldiers, ones that never went haywire from flashes of their human memories."

"Cissex" isn't even used once in the article. But sure, let's just LISSUN AND BELEEVE like OP wants us to.

Found the redneck.

Rootless cosmopolitan detected

You could at least say something that makes sense.

Haha jokes on you OP I won't have to suffer through this if I kill myself!


It's [current year] humor isn't allowed to be funny anymore, it has to be passive-aggressive shitposting about people whose political viewpoints I don't like


Not that it makes him any less of a faggot but in his defense there are a lot of euphoric motherfuckers shitting out response videos every time she opens her stupid cunt mouth

Found the retarded faggot liberal
Go fuck your smelly nigger seanbaby

Original comics turtles are superior. So is the first movie and the 2003 cartoon series.

...

Weren't the original comics clearly a pisstake?

...

Shouldn't you be humping some fried chicken greased coon poon seanbaby? Or did she forget to let you out of the shed?

...

It means you have no ties to your national or cultural roots. Really not that hard to understand.

I told myself I would read it out of respect for the chuckles the man gave me so very very long ago.

In no more than 4 sentences did the man make reference to and condemn what I believe is transphobia, sexism and racism.
As if to vocalize how moral he is by starting out an article condemning things that should not have to be vocalized especially considering what website he is writing for.

The first item on the list has him being triggered by the gay and transvestite jokes in FF7 and uses that as well as knights of the round (a powerful and optional late game summon) to explain why FF7 does not deserve feelings of nostalgia.
He also uses that time to get political and voice how he feels about Donald Trump.

I've never been nostalgic for TMNT or X-men despite watching them a lot.
Seemingly his only problem with James Bond is how he can't fistfight in most movies very well?
The Sex and the City part is about how he didn't like how there was an episode with a black woman who didn't like a white woman because she was white and there was a gay character who was upset that one of his porcline dolls fell and broke while he was having sex with another man.

He closed it with a gamergate NCIS reference.

For a few good years right out of highschool I'd watch College Humor and read Cracked until everything went absolutely to shit.
Comedy was pigeonholed.
Thankfully a few podcasts, youtube channels and comedy anime have filled the void.

Jesus Christ, why did I read all of this?
Also, that man has an absolutely unhealthy obsession over Donald Trump's penis and an astonishing hatred of white men. I could probably write a thesis paper for a psychology doctorate about it.

"The Fall of Seanbaby" would be a pretty cool report.

If you could make it funny, it would be a great way to start a humor website that runs counter to Cracked. Even if you couldn't, it would be hilarious to see how triggered they'd probably get.

Cracked was great before 2010.

Then David Wong started bitching about his life (and white men, he was on the cutting edge of sjw retardation) and it got boring for me.

I didn't know what an sjw was 6 years ago, but his constant bullshit whining and blaming all of his problems on someone else really annoyed me. I started skipping his articles, no big deal.

And then more and more wildly unfunny articles started popping up. More people talking about their lives and not cool albums and funny science experiments.

And if you questioned these articles in the comments or the forums? Banned forever.

I stopped reading in 2010 and I stopped because of David Wong. The few good contributors there were I never bothered to keep up with because just by associating with cracked, I knew they were shit.

Oh… so a non-sequitur comeback. Got it.

That one's a hard call. He does take the piss out of retards (and triggered a lulzy number of them with his video on the wage-gap myth). And anyone's that's browsed this board for a year has run into countless faggots that aren't even sure what 'cuck' is or means, but still pepper their post with it freely.

Honestly, those were the people I would have assumed this was directed at, because they seem hellbent on finding a reason to insert 'cuck' into their sentence without rhyme or reason and that shit's getting out of hand.

I don't think you know what a non-sequitur is.

Seanbaby plz, don't trigger yourself

It's just a butthurt Holla Forums nigger
The only thing it knows is how to suck cock

I'm cracked.com?

He literally says that watching another man fuck your wife is no different from watching porn.

Well it is a fetish
A deranged pathetic fetish
But still. It's a sex thing, like porn
These dudes get off on their wives getting plugged
So he's kiida correct?

That's the problem with porn.

Did the same thing happen to Robert Brockway?

...

Seanbaby is funny. Even that most recent article as shitty as it was got one or two chuckles.

With that out of the way, when I say he's a cuck I don't mean it in the half-assed "call everyone a cuck" way it's so often used. I mean he has often made comments/'jokes' about white guys having small dicks/being shit in bed while white women want to and should sleep with black guys, etc.

He frequently encourages and glorifies specifically black/white race mixing. He prefers to date black women too, so, I dunno. Point is, don't expect better.

Did you watch the original? The animation is rather stiff.

They canceled Jersey Shore several years ago, though.

Ya ready for another swell reading? No? Too bad, cause too many people don't know how to archive shit!

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7 Staples Of Your Childhood That We're About To Ruin For You

We're an internet generation. As long as there's a vast, nearly infinite network of information at our fingertips, we're going to use it to dig up the upsetting secrets behind everything we know and love. Because that's who we are, dammit. So, while we're here, we might as well shatter what's left of your childhood nostalgia by telling you that … #7. The Author Of Goodnight Moon Died Horrifically, Left Her Money To A Jerk Kid Harper & Brothers We all know Goodnight Moon, the paltry children's book parents read their kids with the hope that its repetitive blandness will hypnotize them into falling asleep. Goodnight Moon tells the story of an adorable bunny who for some insane reason thinks he needs to say goodnight to all the random crap in his room, such as a balloon, a brush, and a pair of mittens – but apparently not the goddamn tiger skin rug he somehow owns. Harper & BrothersThe bunny's classmate Tony was never seen again after a sleepover.
The Horrible Backstory: Like finding out that Dr. Seuss' last words were, "I'm pretty sure it's not loaded," it turns out the author of this bedtime classic, Margaret Wise Brown, died both tragically and ridiculously. While recovering from an appendectomy in a French hospital, the 42-year-old Brown was eager to show the nurses how well she was, and she did so in the most French way possible: by doing the can-can. The result: Jim Boone/Find A Grave Whoever wrote her epitaph apparently wasn't too fond of her non-song output. Yep, unfortunately, Brown's demonstration triggered an embolism that immediately killed her. But wait, there's more to this story! Being the special kind of person she was, Brown left the rights to the book to a 9-year-old boy who lived in her neighborhood. This would be a touching plot twist … if that kid hadn't grown up to squander most of the $5 million the book raked in over the years, spending his life in and out of jail. By 2000, he had $21,000 to his name. In a Wall Street Journal article about him, he admitted to spending a lot of money on clothes, because he wears them only twice and throws them away when they "get all wrinkly and funky" (presumably, he spends nothing on deodorant). Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images "All right, kids, it's been a week. Help me push this off the cliff. Goodnight, car!" #6. ALF Dropped The N-Bomb, Inspired A Kid To Microwave A Cat Warner Bros. Television If you grew up in the '80s, there's no chance you didn't encounter ALF, the wisecracking alien who we later found out was just using humor to mask the fact that he was the lone survivor of a nuclear holocaust. Even if you didn't watch the show, you couldn't swing a half-eaten cat without hitting some piece of shitty ALF merchandise, from board games, to trading cards, to fast food toys that, in retrospect, were probably a smokescreen for some kind of rodent infestation. Burger King "Take one per Whopper! P-Please!"The Horrible Backstory: Well, for starters, remember ALF's predilection for eating cats? You may also have noticed that those jokes were less frequent as the show went on. There's a reason for that. According to the performer behind ALF, Paul Fusco, the network "hated those jokes" – not because their sense of humor had evolved beyond puppets pretending to murder adorable animals but because in real life "some kid put a cat in the microwave 'cause he heard ALF cooked a cat." Warner Bros. Television Oddly enough, a microwaved cat probably looks a lot like ALF. Of course, a TV show can't necessarily be held accountable for its audience's actions, but luckily for those of us who still want our memory of ALF to be forever tainted, this blooper reel leaked online. In it, ALF repeatedly shouts the N-word, which unless there was some kind of Melmacian error in translation, is a pretty fucked-up thing to do. It turns out that the Michael Richards-esque outburst was a reference to a scene from L.A. Law; less defensible, however, is when ALF awkwardly hits on the teenage daughter of the family by lying back on a bed and saying, "Straddle me" …Warner Bros. Television That lump down there isn't his foot. … which would be repulsive for a human to say, let alone a furry, fecal-like puppet to blurt out. So, basically, what we're saying is, working on ALF was even worse than we thought, and we already thought it was pretty fucked-up.

#5. Legends Of The Hidden Temple Destroyed Kids' Lives Nickelodeon Soon to be a scripted TV movie for some unknown reason, Nickelodeon's Legends Of The Hidden Temple was a children's adventure game show in the vein of Indiana Jones, if Indiana Jones was about 200 percent more Short Round screaming.Nickelodeon And 500 percent more giant talking heads.The best part of the show was always the final round, the Temple Run, in which the winning team had to frantically navigate an insane series of obstacle-filled rooms, climbing ladders, solving puzzles, running through hamster wheels – all while avoiding the Temple Guards, masked men who jumped out and fucking grabbed you. Say what you will about Alex Trebek, at least he never attempts to wrestle anyone away from the podium while they're trying to answer a question.Nickelodeon Nickelodeon Good thing the mobile game adaptation dropped this part, or our bathroom trips would be way more stressful. But it was all in good fun, right? The adults involved probably knew what they were doing.The Horrible Backstory: Nope! If all this looks intense and scary, that's because it fucking was. One contestant burst into tears after repeated Temple Guard attacks at the end of a 12-hour shoot, and to this day is "deathly afraid of things popping out of closets and doors." This wasn't an isolated incident, either. According to host Kirk Fogg, the show had to shut down "every once in a while" because of "kid meltdowns" – sometimes involving "hysterically crying in the middle of the temple." The worst incident came when one kid got so upset she started crying, then puked in the Pit of Despair, which seems as appropriate a place as any. Nickelodeon "Kids! You can't lose your shit here. This is the Pit of Despair!" The final round was so insanely hard, only 32 out of 120 teams won the grand prize. According to Fogg, this was because the show didn't have the budget to award more than eight prizes per season – so putting these kids through hell was their way of ensuring the show came in under budget, presumably so Nickelodeon could put more money toward dousing random celebrities with putrid green slime. #4. The Inventor Of Operation Never Saw Any Royalties, Couldn't Afford A Real-Life Operation Milton Bradly Operation is the classic board game that teaches you to have the steady hands of a surgeon while neglecting other abilities that are kinda important to the medical profession – such as administering anesthesia so the patient's not watching the procedure with an expression of abject horror. Or, hell, maybe sparing them the indignity of being buck naked the whole time, for some reason. Milton Bradley Next time, just wait out the brain freeze. The Horrible Backstory: The game was invented back in the '60s by a college student named John Spinello. Either because he wasn't super business-savvy or just didn't think the naked clown torture game would be all that popular, Spinello sold the game to a toy firm for a mere $500 and the promise of a job. Not only did he not get the job, the deal also meant that Spinello wasn't entitled to royalties to the wildly popular game, which was sold to Milton Bradley and has since spawned movie tie-ins that are as lucrative as they are nonsensical: Milton Bradley Although this would at least explain what happened to R2's ability to fly.To make things worse, as if his life were being written by a high school creative writing student, recently the creator of Operation actually needed an operation but sadly couldn't afford it. Looking to help pay his medical bills in the same way Zach Braff funds his inane vanity projects, Spinello's friends crowdfunded the procedure, raising well over the $25,000 goal. Even Hasbro (who owns Milton Bradley) helped out by allowing Spinello to use images of his own creation during the campaign. For free! They also ended up buying the game's original prototype for an undisclosed amount, though we're gonna go ahead and guess it was less than the $40 million Spinello's idea has made for other people so far. John Spinello The Prototype. Originally, you were supposed to operate on the T-1000.

#3. The Creator Of The Troll Doll Was Screwed Out Of Billions Troll Dolls: those lovable, genital-less toys with the face of Clint Howard and the hair of Phil Spector. And the dick of actual internet trolls (none). Back in the '90s, you couldn't find an office desk or car dashboard that didn't feature at least one of these miniature naked creatures staring back at you with its black, soulless eyes. They even popped up briefly as a Saturday morning cartoon that thankfully cut into their gleeful exhibitionism by giving them some damn clothes. For those who thought The Smurfs weren't edgy and daring enough.
The Horrible Backstory: The story of the Troll Doll goes all the way back to 1959, when Danish woodcutter Thomas Dam, who couldn't afford a Christmas present for his daughter, fashioned the first Troll as her gift. Undercutting the sweetness of its origin somewhat, the Troll's "ugly face" was carved to resemble a butcher Dam owed money to, and this was his revenge – so it was really both a beautiful Christmas gesture and a backhanded "Fuck you." Now imagine that thing holding a butcher knife and never sleep again. Dam ended up selling the dolls door to door, and what eventually came to be known as Good Luck Trolls turned into his own business. Sadly, though, Dam screwed up the international copyright, leading to an epidemic of legal Troll knockoffs when a U.S. court ruled that the error made the Trolls public domain. If you don't think this sounds like a big deal, consider that just a few years later, even JFK had caught Troll-mania.
Dam still kept cranking out Trolls, but he earned "only a small percentage of the estimated $4.5 billion made from Trolls throughout the world," according to the N.Y. Times. Dam died in 1989, the same year the U.S. joined the Berne Convention, "which paved the way for individuals and companies to gain copyright and patents abroad that they held in their home countries" – further proving that the "good luck" component of the dolls was complete and utter bullshit.
#2. Ecco The Dolphin Was Inspired By A Scientist's Insane, Drug-Fueled Experiments
Video game fans likely remember Ecco The Dolphin, the legendary Sega Genesis game that begins with you controlling a dolphin performing fairly typical aquatic activities …

Such as swimming alongside fish or generally staying the fuck away from Japan.
… before going completely batshit crazy, with Ecco using a psychedelic time machine …… to fight nightmare-inducing giant aliens. If they hired H.R. Giger to make a Flipper video game, this is probably how it would have turned out.
So, yeah, it's awesome. The Horrible Backstory: According to this Vice article, Ecco was likely inspired by the work of scientist John C. Lilly. Back in the '60s when this kind of thing presumably made sense, Lilly was hired by NASA to look into whether it was possible to communicate with dolphins. While this may sound like an adorable waste of time, the logic was that such a venture could contribute to our ability to understand any potential extraterrestrial life. Lilly's research involved flooding a house in the Caribbean, filling it with dolphins, and even allowing one female researcher to regularly jerk off a male dolphin named Peter. "So long, and thanks for all the fucking." Later in life, Lilly began experimenting with ketamine, more commonly known (presumably to the chagrin of Kellogg's) as Special K. When ketamine alone didn't do the trick, he also experimented with dosing himself inside a sensory deprivation tank, which inspired the book Altered States. While in this state of extreme fucked-upness, Lilly thought he was contacted by aliens called the "Earth Coincidence Control Office," who at one point he believed stole his penis. And say, what is "Earth Coincidence Control Office" as an acronym? A Tweet from the creator of Ecco The Dolphin confirmed that this wasn't all a coincidence, meaning that the game really was inspired by a man who was cool with allowing regular dolphin handjobs but decidedly not cool with extraterrestrial castration. #1. Peanuts Creator Charles Schulz Traded The Real Snoopy For Gravel Even more than 60 years later, Charles Schulz's Peanuts characters are still famous for their beloved Christmas special, new feature film, and for turning the Today Show crew into a gang of terrifying mutants.We're gonna need about $5,000 for the psychiatrist. The Horrible Backstory: Fans of the strip will be delighted to know that there was, in fact, a real Snoopy owned by Schulz. Less delightful: He traded the dog away. For "a load of gravel." We also traded Woodstock for some ketchup packets and Linus for a soiled napkin.Thankfully, readers were spared a comic where Snoopy vanishes but Charlie Brown suspiciously has a new gravel-filled driveway. Or a Christmas special where Charlie realizes that the true meaning of the season is getting a sweet deal on large quantities of tiny rocks.
If that isn't enough to depress you, the inspiration behind Charlie Brown's unrequited love, the little red-headed girl, probably will. In real life, she was Schulz's red-headed girlfriend, Donna Johnson. Because romance is so often like having a football pulled away at the last minute, Johnson rejected Schulz's marriage proposal, choosing another man. And the Great Pumpkin? Died of esophagus cancer.
So Charlie Brown's obsession over his crush isn't just a cute childhood story; it was an outlet for deep-seated regret – he even peppered the stories with inside jokes for Johnson. "It was the story of his life and mine," she later stated. Of course, if they had ended up together there was always the very real possibility that he'd trade her for some gravel, so maybe she made the right choice.

THE END

Is this a thing now, Going up toe Charles Schultz and pissing on his creation? Sinfest does it, these chucklenuts did it. It's getting on my fucking nerves.

16 years after ending the sacred cow is no longer sacred

You gonna change parts so they'll listen and believe like how you replaced "cyborg soldiers" with "cissex"?

You want me to? I did it to make the article more bearable.

I still left because I realized that I went full days without clicking on an article that interested me, and I could spend my time better elsewhere.

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Why You Can't Win In Hollywood, No Matter Your Gender

If the trailer is any indication, it appears the only good part of the new Ghostbusters movie is going to be the controversially gender-swapped cast. Similarly, the new Rogue One trailer has a handful of internet dipshits clutching their pearls because there's yet another female Star Wars lead who isn't wearing a bikini or dying in childbirth.
Despite this tiny backlash, most of us are A-OK with Hollywood's push to create more strong and funny female role models for the kids. (Lord knows I'm happy to know that my niece can enjoy the same calculated merchandising tie-ins I did as a child.) But with that in mind, why stop at blockbusters? Maybe you haven't noticed, but almost every popular genre comes with its own bizarre gender hang-ups begging to be picked apart – if only because it's boring not to.


#7. Romantic Comedies Are Sexist As Hell (For Both Genders)

Romantic comedies aren't watched for realism but rather to pander to our depraved hope and emotions. They're like pornos for the heart, which is why so many of them utilize the same tired tropes over and over – such as the male lead stopping a wedding at the last minute.

How many damn times does this happen? Along with The Graduate, there's Spaceballs, The Wedding Singer, Shrek, Made Of Honor, Wedding Crashers, and Wayne's World spoofing the trope itself. I'm sure there are other fictional wedding examples popping into your head right now – all of which are being crashed exclusively by men. Because women are apparently so goddamn wishy-washy that they're looking for an upgrade right until the vows are done.

Even The Wedding Planner, a film about a woman pursuing an engaged man, somehow manages to end with that man trying to stop her wedding. It's like somewhere a room full of executives decided that wasting a bunch of catering food was the most romantic thing for a guy to do … especially since every man is a child-like jerkoff in desperate need of a woman's touch.

Don't get me wrong, Judd Apatow (who might be reading this); I love movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Superbad like they were my own balls. But somewhere down the line this genre decided that for men to grow as characters, they also have to abandon their own friends and hobbies. Steve Carell has to sell off his action figure collection, Seth Rogen has to stop hanging out with his stoner friends, and even Superbad ends with the two sets of friends splitting apart to pursue the opposite sex.

You could argue that these bumbling doofs comically needed a change in life – but that's exactly the problem. In the real world, getting stoned and collecting dolls is a common interest you would seek out in a mate. But the romantic comedy world ramps these activities so high that they become debilitating. Jimmy Fallon can't simply enjoy the Red Sox in Fever Pitch; he has to be stupid-obsessed with them so it's considered romantic to give up his season tickets. In the real world, that kind of ultimatum is the sign of a failing relationship. As is this:

That [picture's] from Failure To Launch – a chilling, dystopian world where men are such hopeless chucklefucks that Sarah Jessica Parker professionally tricks them into moving out of their parents' homes. When Ramblin' Matt McConaughey learns that the woman he's dating was hired to sex him into getting over his dead fiancee (what the fuck, movie?), his friends and family tie him up until he forgives her for it. That's seriously the plot of a lighthearted rom-com and not some Roman Polanski thriller.

#6. Female Superheroes Are Almost Always Morally Corrupt

There's never an occasion where dressing up like a futuristic circus barker and punching people to death wouldn't be considered morally ambiguous. More than ever are men of the Iron, Super, or Bat variety walking the line between hero and world-destroyer. Daredevil, The Punisher, and Wolverine constantly battle with the concept of killing, and of course there are the lovable thieves like Star-Lord and Ant-Man also trying to do good in the universe. All of these male characters are morally corrupt, right? So how come the only serious betrayers and line-crossers have boobs? And lack their own solo movies?

Show me a male superhero who worked for the enemy, like Hawkeye or Cyclops, and I'll show you yet another brainwashing subplot. Meanwhile, Jean Grey not only willingly turns on her fellow X-Men, she kills Professor X with her out-of-control powers. Catwoman works for the enemy in both of her Batman appearances – and before becoming an Avenger, Scarlet Witch causes them to nearly implode with crimson mind tricks.

See the difference? Sure, Wolverine can go a little overboard in the murder department, but it's Mystique who tries to brainsplode every non-mutant on Earth. Star-Lord starts off as a ruffian crypt-robber, but it's Gamora who's introduced as working for the villain. Thor might be redeeming past arrogance, but Black Widow is coming off murdering for the Russians. Even the out-of-control powerfuls like Hulk and Ghost Rider manage to aim that ferocity at only bad people, while Jean Grey and Rogue struggle with hurting the people they love.

It's weird, right? Tell me it isn't weird. Point out that there are plenty of non-evil female cinematic superheroes like both Sue Storm and regular Storm, Wonder Woman, Kitty Pryde, and … who else? Jessica Jones? Fuuuuck nope. Save for a few, the cinematic price of admission for lady heroes is to be ethically broken, whereas the men just have to decide how much ass they should kick.

#5. Movies Are Insane About Romantic Age Differences
Despite Harold And Maude being a classic today, past critics were totally creeped out by the timeless love story between a young pre-goth and a weird old lady.

But these days the film is often listed as one of the greatest love stories of all time, right there next to The Graduate, for some reason. Because while we've seemed to grow out of our naked Brooke Shields Lolita stage, we're at ground freaking zero for older ladies getting all up in a younger man.

Now, let's all grit our teeth and swap out the genders, making Harold And Maude a film about a 79-year-old man having a sexual relationship with a woman in her 20s. Still romantic? How about Stifler's father going all American Beauty with one of his female friends? It's weird, right? (And for good reason, as the majority of statutory rape victims are young women.)

In other words: No one wants to watch Kevin Spacey plow into a high school cheerleader like it's some magical moment, but we're far more persuaded by the gender-opposite. Ironically, however, we are totally fine with seeing actors like Kevin Spacey plow women 20 years younger than they are – just as long as the film doesn't make a big deal of it.
So, yeah … I guess you can say this actually happens all the damn time, just on the condition that no one acknowledges it in the actual film. It's as if the act of a younger man finding an older lady romantically attractive is deemed a miracle of the heart, while young women are naturally expected to lay their dad's friends.

#4. Any Underdog Sports Film Is Way Better With Female Athletes

My all-time-favorite sports movie has to be Slap Shot, the 1977 Paul Newman film about a podunk hockey team trying to earn fan attention by beating the God out of everyone they encounter. It's a great, all-American underdog film filled with leather pants and uncomfortable gay slurs that was later followed up with Slap Shot 2: Is That Stephen Baldwin? and Slap Shot 3: We Made Slap Shot 3.

I'm not bummed they made two shitty follow-ups to King Cool's swank masterpiece; I'm bummed they made two shitty follow-ups and never took it to the logical next step.

Imagine an unappreciated women's hockey team trying to make a name for themselves by resorting to ultra violence. It would be not only a fun twist but one that amplifies the original film's moral question of using violence over skill. This is actually the plot to a Futurama episode where Leela becomes a baseball novelty instead of a female role model. It's a great story about women's often-mocked role in sports and makes me wonder why every underdog sports movie isn't about women … especially in a world where the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team is performing far better but making five times less than their male counterparts.

Why isn't Ronda Rousey already in a Rocky remake? How have we not made a Sandlot about little girls aspiring to be athletes? Fuck it, where's my goddamn lady Seabiscuit beating the statistical odds? Because female sports movies don't make enough money? Tell that to the highest-grossing baseball movie ever. (picture of A League Of Their Own)

There's no excuse when every female-led sports film like Million Dollar Baby and Bend It Like Beckham goes on to make $216 million and $76 million on meager indie budgets. And yet studios continually go back to the male-dominated underdog genre like it's the safest bet in town.

But this is by far not the most male-dominated genre in need of some dangerous estrogen …

#3. Non-Fictional War Stories Never Involve Women (And They Fucking Should)

Science fiction has long invoked lady war heroes like Private First Class Vasquez and Lieutenant Ripley in the '80s, the cast of Starship Troopers in the '90s, and Agent Carter and Edge Of Tomorrow's Rita Vrataski more recently. We're totally good at it, and even include military women in our comedies and dramas like Stripes and A Few Good Men. Every genre is covered! Except for any war film based on a true story.

Of course, women were traditionally kept out of combat – so perhaps there's just no good lady war stories to tell. At least none compared to Chris Kyle making 160 sniper kills, right?
Turns out there's like 300 dead Germans who would seriously disagree …

Guys, meet Lyudmila Pavlichenko. Not only is her name as awesomely complicated as Vasquez or Vrataski, but Lyudmila also happens to be a Soviet WWII sniper with 309 confirmed kills. That's more people than Rambo killed in the entire Rambo series, according to this one publication.

Along with the badassery we've previously pointed out (like winning a three-day standoff with another sniper), Lyudmila also had to battle the inevitable sexism that came with her occupation – having been constantly pressured to become a field nurse before finally being accepted into the 25th Rifle Division. When the war wound down, she became the first Soviet citizen to travel to the U.S., where reporters flooded her with bullshit questions about wearing makeup to battle instead of highlighting that she murdered more Germans than eight fucking Hindenburgs.

My point here is that this is basically A League Of Their Own with violence. And it took until 2015 for Russia to make a low-budget movie about her. Meanwhile, no such films have been made for Eileen Nearne, a British spy who was tortured and interrogated (to no avail) before escaping the Germans; Nancy Wake, who organized a French resistance and fucking karate-chopped a man to death; or Sgt. Leigh Ann Hester, who killed at least three close-range combatants when her squad was ambushed for 25 minutes during the recent Iraq war. She even got her own fucking action figure, already giving her a leg up over most female characters.

At the behest of Kylo Ren, probably.
So why not make a movie about it? Well, it might have to do with the fact that women killing men in movies is never seen as heroic; rather, it's seen as an act of vengeance or just plain hilarious …

#2. Women Murdering And Ruining Men Is Portrayed As Empowering Or Funny

I'm not dense; there's a long history behind why women fictionally brutalizing men is considered less severe than the opposite scenario. For that reason, in movies it's nearly always a case of sweet revenge as opposed to ugly malice. Stories like Kill Bill or Thelma & Louise are considered to be justifiably empowering, even when the latter takes place in a bizarre world where nearly every male character is a rapey dirtbag.

Don't get me wrong: I'm absolutely rooting for these ladies as they shoot at truckers and tear-ass across the States. But, remember, they kill Thelma's near-rapist not out of defense but rather after the fact when he's no longer a threat. Thanks to the context of the murder, we're able to cheer – but in no condition can their story be gender-swapped and still considered a classic tale of friendship. Best-case scenario we get a Fight Club-like cautionary tale about the struggles of masculinity.
But while there's a pretty justifiable motive for The Bride or Thelma and Louise, at times this trope can really get away from us.

Chicago is the only film where the characters celebrate murdering people over trivial annoyances and we're expected to like them for it. And yeah, I get that the original play is a satire based on true-crime stories – but a satire on what, exactly? That women are manipulative masterminds who can kill in cold blood and come out the victim? Dear god, playwright Maurine Dallas Watkins, who have you hurt?

See, it's not that these films don't recognize that it's morally wrong for women to abuse or kill men; they just always channel that message through a condescending smirk. It's as if abusive women are so rare in real life that it's considered a forgivable joke in films like John Tucker Must Die or My Super Ex-Girlfriend. And what's weirdest is that most of these films go hand-in-hand with female bonding like the only way women can get along is if they eat a dude, like in Fried Green Tomatoes.

And if you think that's messed up, consider that male friendships are treated even worse …


#1. Male Bonding Is Treated Like A Big Dumb Joke About Getting Laid

The 2010s subverted a lot of unbudging female archetypes, with films like Frozen and Brave focusing on family instead of romance, or Bridesmaids and Trainwreck giving women a leading role in screwball comedies. No longer are "chick flicks" restrained to Steel Magnolias or those godforsaken Traveling Pants movies. And with this new terrible-looking Ghostbusters, female camaraderie has finally begun to cross into the sci-fi genre. It's a feminist win to take women out of their sappy roles, but it would be even more of a victory if films also replaced those mushy characters with men.
What I'm saying is: Where's my Fried Green Tomatoes with men bonding over cannibalism?

In films, sincere male friendships are never the focus of a story without it being some kind of hackneyed gay joke. In terms of coming-of-age films, boys are exclusively trying to get laid and wasted, whereas ladies are dealing with dead parents and celebrating friendships. It's American Pie and Superbad versus Now And Then and Mystic Pizza. And while there are always exceptions (see Turn Me On, Dammit! versus Stand By Me), it's on the fringes of the larger genres. Movies like 50/50 or I Love You, Man absolutely explore male relationships, but have to disguise themselves as silly comedies to do it.

And it gets way worse once the male characters grow into adults, when their friendships either still center on finding sex and booze (The Hangover, Animal House) or take place in fucking jail.

Maybe the age of sappy movie friendships is simply behind us, and maybe we just don't need serious stories about men being platonic pals – but it's certainly worth exploring, right? The more we portray women as screwball sports and war heroes, the more we should normalize male sensitivity and friendship, giving us a whole new range of original characters to explore. And isn't that the goal? To make these genres stronger while challenging the cultural restrictions on gender? Otherwise, guys are left either as Butch Cassidy and Sundance or accidentally drinking jizz at a house party.

Who the fuck views porn stars as their wives?
I have always seen them as sluts that I would plow on a moment's notice and throw away as soon as I'm bored, not somebody I would ever envision living my life with.

I was expected to like the bitch from Chicago?

9 Lame Hobbies White People Love (For Some Reason)

There's a type of person who continually tries out a combination of varied yet lame hobbies in a quest to find something to replace the sense of endless possibility that died long ago. For some reason, such people are usually white. I'm not sure what draws them to some of the least cool pastimes ever created. It's not like people of color couldn't try this shit if they wanted to. But it is much more fun to sit back and watch as the paler members of the species attempt to convince themselves and everyone around them that they are enjoying themselves doing dumb shit like …

#9. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro
Mount Kilimanjaro's name might literally mean "White Mountain." This would be totally appropriate, considering how crowds of white people flock to its many easily-hikeable paths and impressive-sounding name each year. For them, summiting Kilimanjaro is an excuse to talk about training for months while only having to train for weeks. It also offers the rare opportunity to use the word "summit" as a verb, as demonstrated in the previous sentence.
For real, though, it's not as difficult as the terrifying name makes it seem. The most popular path up Kilimanjaro is derisively referred to as "the Coca-Cola route," on account of how it's jam-packed with tourists and gift shops the entire way up. Yes, it's a long walk, one that takes around five days on average to complete, but there's certainly none of that "stick a pickax in a jagged ridge and hope it holds your body weight" stuff that you envision when you hear someone say they're mountain climbing.
Oh, there's also a path that lets people drive most of the way there. When finally leave their air-conditioned moving palace, the story they tell their friends is officially ready to begin. There are a number of details they'll be sure to leave out. First of all, Kilimanjaro rises at such an incredibly gentle gradient that the main challenge is to walk slowly enough up to avoid getting altitude sickness. One trail guide described the pace by saying, "imagine an arthritic 90-year-old walking backwards – that's probably too fast."
Another detail white "adventurers" will leave out of the story of their "Kilimanjaro journey" is the porters – or brown people they pay to carry their shit for them while they focus on not walking too fast.
Of course, climbing Kilimanjaro is not without its challenges. As this site explains, figuring out how much to tip the guys who carry your bags and cook your food can be extremely tricky.

#8. Upcycling
Upcycling is when you take something old and useless and *gasp* turn it into something pretty and useful. For most of the world's population, this is just called being poor. It exists as "upcycling" for the same reason ghetto tourism exists. Eventually, rich white people get bored with doing rich white people shit and turn to "seeing how the other side lives" in the name of entertainment. There's nothing trendy about having to dig through the garbage for a kitchen table. That sweet find you took home, fixed up, and flipped on eBay could just as easily have ended up in the home of someone who needed a table but didn't have the resources to swing by IKEA and pick one up. Poverty is not a hobby, and it's certainly not a vacation. Stop treating it like one.

#7. Glamping
"Imagine visiting a remote island overlooking a tropical jungle in your 4-star treehouse appointed with the luxuries you would find at any high-end resort." – Glamping.com
Well then you're not fucking camping, okay? That's a hotel room that just happens to be located in a tree. For all you know, a tsunami put it up there. It was probably in a Marriott once. Someone probably drowned in your glamping tree, you savage.

#6. Home-Brewing Beer
Have you ever read The Jungle? We have the Food and Drug Administration in this country for a reason. And recently, the main reason seems to be that we need protection from thousands of white men who think they can make amazing beer in completely non-sterile settings and with no knowledge of food science.
True story: A few guys I know bought one of those shitty Brew Your Own Beer kits. The resulting brew was so revolting that it left all of them spraying pure liquid waste from both ends for three days.
Another True Story: I have a friend who tried making his own beer with the intent of maybe, possibly, if everything went well, knock on wood, being able to sell it to local bars so that he may one day, possibly, God willing, leave his day job to become an independent brewer. A short while into this, he said to me, (and I quote), "My house smells like pussy." This was not because his life had turned into a Budweiser commercial.
He hasn't talked about it since.
reddit.com/r/Homebrewing/comments/2eopte/homebrewing_in_mexico_some_of_you_asked_a_bit/

(You)
#5. Whittling/Woodworking
No matter how badass Ron Swanson made it look, woodworking is not cool. Only Ron Swanson can make it cool, and you are not Ron Swanson. Period. You are just a white guy making a birdhouse for his grandmother. One which she'll likely just hang from a tree out of sheer politeness, like a parent who puts their child's macaroni art on the fridge door. Hell, you could carve an astonishing eight-person dining table from a single red oak with a butter knife, and the most impressive thing about it would be if people still liked you enough to eat dinner on it.
It's not known if nonwhite people can make whittling cool, because they cannot sit on their front porch with a knife in their hands without worrying about being shot. finewoodworking.com/item/115586/mexican-reader-hosts-fine-woodworking-weekend

#4. Adult Coloring Books
According to Johanna Basford, the artist behind the coloring book Secret Garden, which really kicked off this trend, "If someone saw you coloring in one of my books, they wouldn't give you a weird look, because it's the same kind of artwork you would see on a champagne bottle."
Is this one of those "white people do something like X, but black people do something like Y" things? Because when Jay Z looked at a champagne bottle, he decided to create his own brand, not whip out some crayons in the club and start coloring it in. If he had done that, I think people definitely would have given him some weird looks, no matter how famous he is.
But that's kind of a "white people" thing in itself, right? Finding your "inner child"? At least, it seems that way to the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong; I totally understand how we're stereotyping an entire race by saying that, and I understand that it's wrong. Not all white people are in a struggle to find the Little Timmy within. I'm just saying that if you gathered up all of the adult-coloring-book-buying, inner-child-searching people into one room, that room would be white as fuck.

Yes, I have no self awareness at all.

#3. ROOOOAAAD TRIIIIIIP! WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!
quemas.mamaslatinas.com/entertainment/102460/6_musthave_latino_songs_for
#2. Board Games Hey, remember the first time white people took over Puerto Rico? No? That's okay, because you can relive it in all its colonial glory, just as soon as you get through the 27-page rulebook. Or choose Monopoly, or Risk, or War On Terror. If it's something white people do in real life, just shrink it down, add a winner at the end, and break out the craft beer and salsa, because it's motherfucking game night and we're gonna have fun 'til our eyes bleed. I'm genuinely surprised there isn't a board game called "Oppression."Wait, there is? Well, shit. Listen GooberGator, there is no such thing as a middle class minority.

He is right about this being stupid

#1. Drones (Droning?)
Let's get this shit straight, white people: A drone is an R/C plane with a cooler name. For forever, the guy at the park with the huge remote control with that gigantic antenna staring at his R/C plane through his enormous bifocals wasn't considered cool, even though every word of that description screams otherwise. But call that plane a "drone," and everyone thinks they're piloting a robotic fighter jet. They've all got "Danger Zone" blaring in their brains. So you're not cool when you are "taking the drone out for a spin to get some really great aerial video." One, everyone knows you are just trying to get footage of your neighbor's teenage daughter in her bikini, you pervert. And two, even though the biggest fan of drones right now is black, considering who is running in fear from them, I doubt they will catch on outside the white community over here any time soon.

You minorities mean shit because I can keep increasing race stereotypes like white people being superior to other races behind my liberal badge. Take that egalitarians!

TTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I wouldn't say he 'prefers' it, his girlfriend before the one he has now was white.

What the shell man

We put him down.

It's Cracked, they want you to hate everything they hate. Don't forget, they also want you to despise and boycott Disney due to The Lion King being a "rip off" of Kimba the White Lion.

No, that's the fucking point. You're not supposed to like the main chick from Chicago because she's a massive fucking whore who cheats on her actually nice husband, and you're not supposed to like any of the other inmates because they're actual fucking murderers. The only woman you're supposed to have sympathy for is the foreign girl who was ACTUALLY innocent, and she ends up getting hung for it.

Cracked fully ascribes to the idea that "main character = inherent good person", even though so many stories have the protagonist be someone you're supposed to dislike. It's like they never mentally developed past the age of five.

Clickhole is a nice alternative.
clickhole.com/blogpost/just-case-guys-who-make-batman-are-readinghere-are-4026

clickhole.com/article/5-amazing-superhero-debuts-comic-books-3119

clickhole.com/article/science-ftw-researchers-taught-gorilla-sign-langua-2805

clickhole.com/article/its-about-time-hasbro-announced-new-gi-joe-will-be-4033

clickhole.com/article/5-disney-princesses-reimagined-caucasian-698

Well, it's not pretending to be anything but humor. It's quite literally Buzzfeed filtered through The Onion.

I like to imagine these people's lives are actually quite horrible if they're this sensitive to everything.

It's not even a "lame" hobby. Don't know why it's on the list.

Because anything that's not socially progressive is lame.

...

thank you elvis

Who the hell is that shrill Lena Dunham looking creature and why the hell are we supposed to listen to its moronic opinions about dumb shit?

I'm not even 2 minutes in and they've already made a [CURRENT YEAR] joke and then insisted that violence is masculine and it's not progressive if women are violent like men in movie.

The amount of asspain that Disney Princesses article caused was fantastic

Yeah, this is the same guy who used to make tons of rape jokes and was "partner" in the late lamented FatChicksInPartyHats.com," which was one of the most "problematic" things you'll ever read.

It's always sad to see what happens to guys like this.

No. This is what happens when the rebel becomes the WOMAN.

Of course a hipster faggot can only measure the worth of a hobby over how "cool" it is. These people cannot comprehend someone enjoying something for the sake of enjoying it. Everything a person does has to be some attempt to climb the social ladder.

Nevermind the fact that wood working has existed in every single culture as a hobby since mankind developed tools.

people like this should not be allowed to exist.

That was how I felt, but I was too angry to articulate it properly.

The upcycling one is really weird when you look closely at it. He keeps switching between supposed outrage that rich people are apparently snapping up cheap goods that poor people could use and refurbishing them for a hefty profit margin on etsy and just being angry that things he doesn't like aren't being sent to the dump like God intended.

...

Who was the hispanic author?

Jewdoo.