I hate this so much. I hate this SO much. DEAR GOD, I FUCKING HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH.
First off, to the ">capeshit" sperg, fuck off back to reddit, this doesn't concern you. The presence of super heroes has nothing to do with this movie being shit.
I watch shit movies for fun all the time, but this takes the cake. I know the critics hated this, but audiences claimed to like this. Why? How? There's nothing redeeming in this film. "I thought Harley was hot" No, the character is hot, Margot Robbie is flatter than the average 13 year old boy, her jaw looks like they substituted a horse maw in this movie, and she's a dime a dozen Hollywood blonde with no figure. You could have replaced her with any hooker dragged off the streets of L.A. and not a god damned one of you would notice, and you're a fucking liar if you deny it.
There's no charm to any of this. I felt sick to my stomach and had to take a break at around 20 minutes in. This isn't even a nerd rage thing. Okay, it's partially a nerd rage thing, but I have no real attachment to most of these characters. Yes, I hate that they raceswapped Deadshot, but it's Deadshot. …I don't fucking care about Deadshot. I barely remember most of the rest of the squad.
It's the fucking dialog, the fucking editing, the fucking music. We get an introduction scene with Deadshot and introduction scene with Harley, and they're both fucking terrible and absolutely dreadful, and then we get a SECOND introduction scene with both of them, and maybe 15 seconds with each of the rest. The song choices are all so blatantly obvious, it felt like I was watching a fan edited AMV on youtube made in 1996. Waller walks onto the scene and we hear "Please to meet you, hope you guessed my name." and then just in case the helmet you're wearing blocked the song out, four minutes later Harley asks her flat out "Are you the devil?" Oh, it's the Harley scene, are we going to hear a song about a crazy chick from the 90's? It Ain't Me actually starts playing when we see Killer Croc.
IT AIN'T ME ACTUALLY STARTS PLAYING WHEN WE SEE KILLER CROC
This is gunshot fade to black level bad. Not to mention Killer Croc's make up looks like a rejected Face Off design. He doesn't look big, he just has a giant head and tiny little arms.
Every single introduction is worse than the last. Two separate characters have lines of dialog that's basically "The king ain't nothin' without his queen!" "He tangled with a metahuman and lived to tell about it." Oooooh, scary. This line means NOTHING to the audience. Even if they know what a metahuman is this film's metahumans include amazing abilities like "Climbs ropes good" and "carries a baseball bat" You didn't want to say Flash? Say the red blur, say someone with super speed. And OHMYFUCK the Flash looks like shit. The editing of each of these scenes is so bad. So, so bad. They just walk on camera, drop a shitty one liner, and it cuts away. They got guy from We Need to Talk about Kevin who would work fine as a young Joker, and they made him The Flash? The fucking mask makes his face look so fat, it's giving me Avengers 1 Cap vibes, and the suit looks like he's a fucking Power Ranger.
"Have you heard of the pyrokinetic homeboy?" Somehow, this woman simply isn't black enough to get away with this fucking line. I feel like this movie was directed by Insane Clown Posse and they directed it over the phone. "He looked like a monster… so they treated him like a monster, and he BECAME a monster." Shut the fuck up, these people are your staff. Why the fuck did you build a jail cell to replicate a sewer? You couldn't have just put a bathtub in his cell? This is so infuriatingly dumb.
And this is the moment it hit me. What this whole sequence reminds me of, a far better shit film. Con Air. That's the bar this film has set. They've made Michael Bay look like an incomparable fucking artist by comparison. The dialog in the introduction scene in that movie actually made the criminals sound interesting.