Tale of Tales

I looked for a working download of this for ages, is it widespread now? Here's what I recall of the various plots (I'm sure in a couple of these cases two of the plots are part of the same story.)

-Old witch or witches using magic to appear beautiful and seduce a king.
-King raises a pet flea until it becomes giant, to the neglect of his daughter and kingdom.
-Princess is given as a bride to an ogre. He rapes her and stuff. I think she kills him and returns as a warrior queen or some shit.
-Salma Hayek is obsessed with having a child, John C. Reilly plays her husband, the king. I think she's told if she eats a dragon's heart she'll be able to get pregnant. Her husband hunts one down for her, but dies in the process. She doesn't care. She has twins or something like that, they reject her.

I don't know, I haven't actually watched the movie. I think I read snippets from a synopsis and just made up the rest based on the trailers. I'm probably wrong on a couple details.

Use the spoiler tags you ginormous faggot.

Tale.of.Tales.2015.BDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO

tits and ass? post pls

I don't care for Hayek but I will download for the nudity.

I'm like halfway in when the tits first pop up and I go "Oh yeah, this is a French movie, right?"

One of the plots is about a king so horny he may as well be the King of Thirst. Until he finds the object of his obsession, every scene with him is him screwing around with some whores.

Alright, finished it… I didn't like it.

Don't get me wrong, it's a gorgeous film. A lot of the special effects, the costumes, the designs, the castles, all that shit was fantastic… but the story did nothing for me.

For starters, perhaps because it was so random with the dialog (there's long stretches of no talking, then conversations here and there) I sympathized with basically none of the characters. I mean, there are characters I very obviously should sympathize with, but the most I ever felt was pity. "Oh, that sucks."

I didn't sympathize with Salma Hayek's queen character because she was a selfish bitch. I guess I felt sympathy for John C. Reilly, but he's in the movie for like four minutes, and he basically always plays the role of a put-upon guy. Maybe I should have sympathized with the twins, but the nature of their birth made them feel otherworldly and unnatural, and like they shouldn't be taking over the good king's throne.

I naturally didn't sympathize with the horny king, because a few shots establish him as a douche (kicking the peacock) and for a dude with a harem constantly stuffing his dick in shit, he reacts very childishly to being tricked in what you'd think a guy who's had that many women would have expected. Obviously I don't sympathize with the old woman because she wouldn't be in that mess if she didn't lie, and her sister makes herself hard to sympathize with by making some utterly insane decisions.

And in the third story, Closest to sympathy I felt was for the flea, and that barely managed a 'meh' out of me. The princess wasn't very attractive and seemed a bit stuck up. Kind of like season 1 Sansa but with a fat face and a chin dimple. I guess I felt bad for the family that tried to rescue her, for the 60 seconds they were on screen. The ending of that story felt kind of trashy, in a feminist sort of way.

I find this is a problem with a lot of modern movies. Stuff just happens, and then it ends. When you remove morality, it's just a series of events. The only way around this is a twist, and twists tend to be eyeroll-inducing.

I didn't feel the stories intertwined in any meaningful way, it just kind of resolved in "Oh, these things were happening in vague proximity of eachother."

Much of what happened left me scratching my head. A lot of stuff seemed to have no real reason or defy logic. Examples:

If you'll be king anyway, why keep his existence a secret? Why not just both be kings? You're obviously twins. Why didn't the queen just react as if she'd had two sons? It's not like they only look the same to the audience, she couldn't tell them apart either. Trying to kill one was stupid, what if she'd killed the one she considered hers?

Why not tell the sister how she really changed her appearance? Why was the other sister's finger young-looking enough to fool the king? How could she believe having all her skin ripped off would actually make her young? How fucking dumb is this king? Why would he marry this random girl he finds in the woods who's like a 7 at best when he's got a palace full of whores he fucks every day? The chick in the carriage had way better tits.

If the king's still alive, how does the princess returning just automatically make her the queen? He feels so bad -despite doing nothing about it- that he just gives her the throne? Fuck off.

Why does looking up make the old woman realize the magic is wearing off? Why did it even wear off?

There was just no point to any of it.

This is basically what I thought.
Do you reckon that it would have worked better if they had stuck to two stories, and fleshed them out more?

Most important criterion:
Are there titties?

This is it.

Oh, and this one other scene. ;^)

Top lad.

It's an Italian movie

who's that french guy i've seen him in joan of arc and oceans 13 i think he's a terrific actor

Vincent Cassel, he really is a good actor. You should watch "La Haine", if you haven't already.

What you're missing is precisely the reason this movie is so great: It does not follow Hollywood's formulaic scripts.

You're right none of the characters is particularly likable, and all of them exhibit at least one severe human flaw. There's no caped hero you're supposed to sympathize with vs evil alien nazis you should hate in this movie. There are no role models, no one preaches any kind of values to the audience, there's moral ambiguity everywhere.

Then you feel the stories don't intertwine in any meaningful way. That's right, but what's wrong with it? The movie challenges the very notion that there must be an unified story in a movie. Again, you're seeing it through the lens of a formulaic script, which this movie is not. The title of the movie should be a clue, though.

If there's one unifying principle behind the tales is more about the complexity of the characters, often lead to action for less than honorable intentions, and the relationship of all of them with magic/fantastic creatures, which is actually made explicit by the necromancer who tells the Queen what she wants is possible but there will be a price to pay for it.

The movie kind of throws you in the middle of the story, within a large and fantastical universe, it leaves many hows and whys to the imagination and at the end leaves as many questions as answers.

They still make movies?

There was nothing feminist about the princess, if anything it is the opposite. She's shown to be a spoiled brat in need of a good dicking who just wants daddy to find her a husband, and once with the ogre is shown to be a useless whining twat who only manages to escape thanks to be rescued by others. She finally mans up and slices his throat under the direst of circumstances. And the reason she becomes Queen is because the King was dying and obviously abdicated in her favor.

...

Anyone seen pic related? It's less adult than Tale of Tales but it's the same kind of sumptuous fantasy, and it also stars based Cassel.

He was pretty good in Black Swan too.

Cool castle