I Hate This Movie

I knew I'd hate this movie going into it, I've hated all of the X-Men movies, because I liked the comics -past-tense, they suck now, partially from the influence of the movies- but I know I can't fairly say "I hate this film" without actually having watched it. I'm just going to trail off everything that's irking me as I go along.

First though, to be fair, let me list what little I did like:

-The scene with Cyclops, Jean, Nightcrawler and Jubilee plotting to sneak out. I hated how it fucked with the chronology because Jubilee is supposed to be way younger than these characters, but I still thought it was a decent team-building plot, and Scott wanting to show Kurt what a 1980's mall was put a smirk on my face.

-Angel's transformation scene. Most of the CGI in this movie was awful. This one was kind of impressive. The music fit, and his wings looked great.

Onto the negatives:

-Apocalypse isn't even slightly intimidating. How much of that giant nose is prosthesis and how much is the actor? It's distractingly huge, comical even. I see him with Storm, and he's basically any taller than her, and it just feels pathetic. I also hate how they've written him as just having powers from different mutants he's absorbed, what was wrong with his comic book powers? That wimpy voice, god damn it.

-Just, in general the costume designers for these films are fucking awful. The scene at Auschwitz, when Apocalypse walks up to Magneto his arm looks tiny in his armor, to the point that it was almost comical. Beast's furry form looks ridiculous, the Mystique make up has looked awful since the first movie, they couldn't even get Magneto's fucking helmet right. When they first showed it I was like "Oh cool, it's got kind of an Egyptian motif going because Apocalypse made it" but once he put it on, the proportions were all wrong. It looked awkward and scrunched on his head.

-Who the fuck is the hairdresser on these movies? Everyone's hair either looks like no effort was put into it, or like they're wearing a cheap wig. I remember in the dreadful DotFP movie Sunspot having this faggy 90's poof of curls on his head in the opening scene, guess Angel's doing his part to bring it back. The worst though was Jean. I know that's her hairline, but couldn't they have done something to make it look thicker and prettier? She's a pretty girl, but with her hair pulled back… less so.

-As with all of the films, this movie has this infuriating need to undo things that had perfect explanations in the comics, and then explain things which needed absolutely no explanation. Storm's powers are enhanced by Apocalypse? To what extent? How much of her abilities are from him, then? You don't need to explain shit like her hair and eyes being white by changing the story to say he changed those things, SHE'S A FUCKING MUTANT, that's kind of the god damned point. This along with wasting three god damned movies with a sub-plot that boiled down to "This is why Xavier is bald." No asshats, he went bald when his powers activated. This way they could write him as being as young or old as needed without it seriously effecting his appearance. Why must you fuck everything up?

(cont.)

-I'm still irked Havok has been re-written to be the older brother, it's just dumb, but I'm more annoyed that in this movie both their parents are still alive and on Earth. They were planning to make a Cyclops solo film, how are you going to pull that off when you've just erased his origin story entirely? He's supposed to have grown up in an orphanage run by Mr. Sinister and have bounced from abusive foster home to abusive foster home having his powers misused for crime until Xavier finds him. Bryan Cranston expressed immense interest in playing Mr. Sinister, and you just wrote out the perfect way to introduce him, fuckwits.

-Angel's wings have talons now, okay. It would be one thing if this was just a change from the comics, but this is a change from the previous movies. How did the slight change in the timeline cause this?

-Fuck Jennifer Lawrence. I think this movie would suck a third less if not for shit relating to her. She didn't like wearing the make up, so she demanded more scenes be written for her without it. So she spends half the movie walking around disguised as herself. If they weren't going to use the make up (which in fairness looked shitty to begin with) they should have had her switching into other actors. It's unbelievably aggravating the other characters constantly regarding her as a hero when she barely did anything, and her power absolutely sucks. Shapeshifting just appeals ridiculously to the lgbt crowd for some reason.

-Cyclops's optic blasts produce heat. This is such a basic thing for them to fuck up, but they did. They're not supposed to be hot, its just pure force shooting out of his eyes.

-Professor Charles Xavier's entire claim to fame is that he's "the most powerful psychic on Earth" and he's beaten in a psychic mind battle by Apocalypse, who wanted to take over his body specifically because he didn't have any psychic powers. If he could defeat him in a mind battle it makes no sense he needed to take over his body.

-I'm just going to say this a second time, Jennifer Lawrence was truly awful in this movie. Seeing her lead the team, give the big oorah speeches, be looked up to by everyone, it was fucking nauseating.

-This is the second film they've had Psylocke in where they got her powers completely and utterly wrong and made her a villain. Why not just make a new character? WHY NOT JUST MAKE A NEW CHARACTER?

-Same deal with Caliban. He's a minor character in the comics, but among my favorite because of his time in X-Force. In the film he's just some faggy Rocky Horror Picture Show reject. In the comics hes a thoroughly deformed Morlock simpleton with the power to track mutants like Cerebro. He falls in love with Kitty and kidnaps her, but then can't force her to stay and so releases her, becoming friends with her. Apocalypse turns *him* into one of his horsemen, morphing his body into a huge, muscular form that feeds off of fear like a psychic vampire. Released from Apocalypse's control he works for Cable and the X-Force, becoming a monstrous gentle giant who dreams of being Superman. Another completely wasted plot.

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There he is!

Yeah, JLaw is complete shit.

Do you really expect me to read all this shit?

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READ NIGGA!

I sorta liked the movie as someone who doesn't give a shit about muh comic book contiuity so I don't really care about many of your points. I do agree that the movie was heavily flawed though, the main problem was just how incredibly simple the story was and they don't really bother explaining how Apocalypse found all of these mutants so quickly to be his horsemen. The stupid quicksilver scene was the high point of the movie and I did appreciate the strange shifts in tone for being unintentionally hilarious.

The movie really needed to make Apocalypse have a stronger presence (despite being a pretty simple character, Nolan's Bane did this extremely well) and give him a more cohesive plan that doesn't just resort to the generic "destroy everything and rebuild a new world"

Days of back to the future of the week to rewind zero time of the past was definitely better though.