First of all: I'm aware that converts from Leninism to anarchism exist. The fact that I'm the complete opposite, that is, my subjective history and its shifts in position doesn't "BTFO" any other comrade's. I'd rather have under revolutionary circumstances an anarcho-communist beside me than a complete baboons who is still stuck in a 20th century mindset, praising le DPRK.
Nevertheless, I am a communist who has turned from anarcho-communism to Leninism. I'm starting this thread because I believe that there are certain lessons to be drawn, hopefully for me as well. If you are (still) an anarchist, I'm not here to convert you. I will list my set of beliefs as they changed thru time and I encourage you to criticize me on any one of these points.
1. Even when I was an ancom (back in ~2012) I realized that all other so called "anarchist tendencies" were a complete and utter joke. Since I was already reading theory and asking honest questions on radical forums, I understood how deeply flawed anarcho-anythingisms [individualism, feminism, primitivism, etc.] were. For me, back in those days, Bakunin and Makhno BTFO'd any other tendency.
2. Since I came from a Catholic/conservative background it took a while for me to drop my "pacifism" (that is: my moralism), even after I became an atheist. I started to understand how revolutions come and go (I started studying them), yet my spontaneous and inherited ideology compelled me towards compromise. The tipping point for me was reading anarcho-nihilist texts (e.g. Monsieur Dupont), that showed me how even so called "egoists" portrayed moralistic characters. From that point on I developed critical glasses thru which I could spot moralistic tendencies from miles in every "anarchist-tendency".
3. Finally, the theorist who eventually "converted" me was Zizek. I know that some of you will sperg out by me mentioning this fact, yet it is true. He opened my eyes on topics like actually existing organizations, theory-work, and so on.
4. First, I assumed the "Leninist" attribute carefully. No wonder that I was banned from /r/communism in a week… Then, thru study, I came to understand both the flaws of Leninism and its strategic/critical/historical advantages. I was not too eager to identify with the label (given the absolute catastrophe the USSR ended up as), but I came to realize what Brecht's "fail again, fail better" slogan really meant.
In short, here I stand before you, dear comrades, an ex-ancom, who takes issue with being called an "tankie," while more and more identifying with the Leninist lesson.