Old Games New Reviews

While making your own robot is cool, I can't honestly tell the difference between a standard bomb F and a standard bomb S. It seems like several pieces are reused, giving the player little actual choice. The only parts that are very different are the body parts and gun parts, so I just used my gun for the entire game. Apparently you're supposed to use your bombs and pods to trap the enemy, but it's way too complicated, even with the lengthy explanations in the middle of cutscenes. Halfway through the game, enemies start using "illegal parts" that you can't get and it really makes the game difficult and not fun.

The plot is very generic and is basically a typical "save the world from the bad guy" story. Also, Harry is a very creepy character, Marcia is a typical damsel in distress, and Linda is dressed in an unrealistic fashion (fishnets on a genius robo researcher? REALLY? Ugh.) Evil is an obvious dig at LGBTQ+ people, and Daimon is a Chinese stereotype. It's 2004, not 1954!

Overall, I give this game a 4/10. Using your gun is kinda fun, but it gets old after a while,especially with the boring (and somewhat problematic) plot.

I'll be honest: I just read the thread title, that post, and then I saw red because I love the MMBN series. Sorry. In other words, he did an excellent job.

A truly deep experience for only the most appreciative of true art, this will surely be a controversial title for it's bold stance in rejecting player identity. Making it physically impossible to defeat what would merely at first appear to be the tutorial boss of the game teaches us all a true lesson in our limitations.Combining the meta narrative approach of Undertale with the sadly gross violence of Dark Souls gives us a brutal look at a world where you simply cannot win, only try and fail to complete your task of confronting the nunchuck-wielding warrior which makes us all stop and look at what we truly wish to accomplish. Perhaps fighting is not the answer, and stopping to look at the greater picture of the world we live in is the true Ninja Gaiden. While some may find it hard to get past the blatant orientalism on display, we feel the message still leaves its mark, and makes a powerful deconstruction of masculinity and meritocracy.

Ninja Theory have outdone themselves in giving us a nunchuck to the face of our egos. Never before have we at the office seen a game be literally impossible to "complete", which will surely anger the more reactionary men of "gamer culture", throthing at the mouth over a lack of high-scores and babes to rescue.

9/10

From the needless and exclusionary complexity to the absurd level of difficulty, Nectaris is everything wrong with video games. I couldn't even beat the first stage. Is this a joke? Beyond its simple surface foibles lurk even more galling transgressions like a complete lack of representation for the gay, trans, and PoC community. This is on top of its flagrant toxic masculinity. Every vehicle is some kind of male power fantasy rendered in polygons. Where are the feminine vehicles? This is 2017. I don want to see phallic tanks wreaking havoc in an oppressively bleak and artless landscape. I want to see a vagina shaped motorcycle give a hijab-wearing Muslim woman a much needed hug. This game is a stinking pile of regressive poop, a throwback to an unenlightened age that is now thankfully behind us. It should stay there with the rest of the embarrassing relics.

0/10

1/10 unfinished game

While aesthetically interesting, the level design can be difficult to find your way around sometimes due to the lack of any sort of minimap or navigational tool. It could be described as Dark Souls-esque in this regard, as well as its difficulty. The difficulty spikes are much too frequent and steep, however, an issue exacerbated by the lack of any easier difficulties. The flamboyancy of certain characters, particularly those you meet in the Hall of Heroes, could arguably be interpreted as a progressive motion to glorify LGBTQ+ people. In spite of this, though, it's two steps backward for every step forward, as their relative lack of character depth seems to imply that the aforementioned community are shallow background characters, only their to provide benefit to their straight so-called "allies."

In addition, it would've been nice to see some representation for minorities in the game, especially in lead roles. Another stale pale male protagonist? Come on. While it may not have been the developer's intention, the mockery of Sir Dan's lack of a lower jaw could also be interpreted as rather necrophobic.

Verdict: 4/10. A game with potential marred by its tendency to poke fun at the diversity present within the gaming industry and a lack of dynamic, immersive experiences.

Serious Sam is a confused and overly complicated mess without an identity of it's own. It copies every mechanic from the first First Peoples Shooter - Quake, but I guess if you are going to copy anyone, it should be the best of the best. So the question arises - why not take any notes from Gone Home? The narrative is all over the place, at times I had to ask myself if the writers even took their job seriously:
-First, it's about a giant alien ship being crashed into by a trolley of some generic huge-headed, high-pitch-voiced aliens (which may even be alienist, considering all of them were white, not a single alien of color in sight) and you are a sole survivor of said ship, landing on an alien planet
-Then, it turns into a Subnautica-esque survival sim, with your character falling into water and a HUD element for your oxygen appears immideately (again, slightly icky alienist, since devs assumed ALL carbon based life forms require oxygen to survive). Interestingly, no hunger in sight, which puzzled me for the longest time, but more about that on page 2 of this review
-It turns out the narrative changes a second time when you discover there is more land than water on this alien planet and the scanner in your hand was a fully semi-automatic rifle this whole time. The deafening explosions exiting the nozzle of it were the unmistakable sounds of an AK47. It triggered my PTSD, and I got flashbacks of my grandfather telling me stories of his desk job in Vietnam. I could not even for about 20 minutes, but thankfully our workplace has been diversified enough for me to calm down. Thank Goddess above Jamalikhad raped me out of my stupor and I could resume my harrowing duties of a video-playing journalist. After picking up some tacky vest I discovered a classic red English phone booth standing in the middle of this alien planet. You can imagine my joy of discovering this obvious nod to Doctor Who and it gave me an idea for a couple more fanfics, so at least something good came out of this game. A very confusing phone call took place with what seems to be the only voice actor talking to himself.
-After another 10 minutes of exploring this island I ventured across the body of water and was immediately given two new items: another same AK47 and a chainsaw. After finding the inventory screen curiously bound to the mouse scroll wheel instead of the traditional "I" or "Tab" keys, I selected the chainsaw tool and began harvesting materials. To my surprise, harvesting went very smoothly, every tree and bush were collectible (No Man's Sky 2, anybody?), you could even pick up grass by applying the chainsaw to the ground. My immersion was broken, however, when I could not salvage the tiny pier for materials.
-My mining experience was interrupted when a badly modeled ape-like creature attacked me. Seriously, the graphics are so bad it looked like it had just one eye.
-The narrative changes yet again when a headless soldier runs up and attacks me. The social commentary of mindless, testosterone driven white men raping and attacking aliens instead of starting a conversation is spot on in the current year climate. I do have to detract points for not having the ability to converse with the headless white male and try to educate them on the struggles my race had endured WITH MY SHIP EXPLODING RIGHT ABOVE OUR HEADS AS I SPOKE! Having being forced to fight fire with fire, I reluctantly fired back and defeated the first boss of the game. In the typical video-interactivity fashion, more of the same enemies came up, this time a bit weaker. Eventually, I came up against the final boss of the game - the bull. As much as I would like to recollect my past night filled with sexual adventures back home, I had to be a trooper and soldier on with the game. The bullfight is a beautifully scripted boss sequence where you are doomed to fail. Obviously, the developers were setting up an anti-gun and anti-animal cruelty message with this fight, telling people that even with all our advanced weaponry and technology, the nature will always prevail (unless we're talking about genders, duh :3).

Overall, Serious Sam: The Second Encounter is a broken, confused game with good intentions, a diamond in the rough. The tales it has to tell are beautiful, unlike its graphical presentation. The non-30-frame-per-second framerate made the game too fast and nauseating to play. The luscious jungle environments sprawling throughout the whole game are stunning from a far, but ugly when you look closer at them, again, commenting on the human society as a whole.

8.9/10
this shit writes itself, I didn't even notice I wrote up this fucking wall of text

There are simply too many things wrong with this game. Not only does it copy battlefield and every fps known to man, it is simply wrong in too many ways. The game relies on violence and not storytelling to sell it, and somehow the unmature masses fall for it. A black ops in Russia and they couldn't even add something about Putin or his bad policies in the region? Nope, you just go around areas with no information regarding them. Oh, town with tombstones? Just blow it up and go past.

Graphics are boring. Everything is dark, and dusty, especially during fights. How are you supposed to see when everything is too dark and dusty?

Gameplay is boring. I don't want to go and shoot more enemies, why isn't there people to talk to? Are the civilians dead, because all you see are masses of soldiers. And if that wasn't bad, the guns are loud as shit, I had to put the volume down because of that crap. What kind of black ops lets your guns sound louder then a bomb going off?

Honestly I could go on (like the woefully large amount of white people, like EVERYONE in the game), but just take my advice: the game is just bad. Story is shit, I could play the new battlefield if I wanted shit to blow up and destruction. Thankfully, Life is Strange will get another game and this shit never will. Just goes to show that videos will naturally progress to better stories and overall awesomness even if little shits like Black come around and try to stop the change.

That gave me a hearty chuckle, I don't know why.
Looks like you and I wrote in the same style, which only means one thing:
you mah nigga

It wouldn't be much effort to make a fake video game journalism site would it?

There wouldn't be much difference from a site that posts satirical reviews and modern game review sites.

Garlic: The Vidya Onion
WAAAH!

It's irritating when people hate what you like without understanding it, but it can be so much worse when they love what you like without understanding it.

Yeah, after reading that one review by Vice on Forza that rapidly turned into a spergfest about Australian politics, or the Rock Band preview where the writer outright stated he didn't want to actually preview the game and basically just jerked off the whole time over how politically enlightened he was about the Philippines while hitting the booze, the bar is just too low for consistently effective parody. Just when you think they've hit the bottom, some hack writer finds some new way of demeaning themselves. I could do with another Sandy Beaches though, that was great.

tl;dr?

we at IGN/Polygon couldnt even get past the tutorial level

0/10

oh fuck, I forgot, the review numbers possible are 7/10 8/10 9/10 10/10

Only if they get paid in the right installments.

Soggy knees. Muh diversity. Don't they know what year it is!?!?!?

0/10

"One of the most important aspects of a video game is intuitive controls, to make the communication between man and machine as fluent as possible. Project Aces apparently didn't get this memo as the controls in Ace Combat 4 make little to no sense at all. To fly up you must pull the control stick down, to fly down you must push the control stick up, and to turn left or right you have to rotate your plane in that direction and pull up on the control stick! I wish I was joking.

The level design is almost as frustrating as the control scheme. In one level the player is required to assault a series of enemy bases that are located within a dense mountain range. What's the problem with this you may ask? If you hit any of the mountains even once your plane explodes like the Death Star at the end of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. That's right, you don't just loose health, you die instantly. At the beginning of the level this can be avoided by merely flying above the mountains, but then the enemy brings out a "super weapon" that shoots down any plane flying above low altitudes, for some arbitrary reason. It's like the game was designed to deliberately piss off the players.

Speaking of the levels, every single one of them is the exact same thing: rack up x amount of points(that's right POINTS remember those?) in y amount of time then destroy target z. There is literally no variety in you objectives at all. Just "blow crap up before the time runs out!" This might not be so bad if the controls were less convoluted(see above) but alas, that is not the case here.

One nice thing about the about the game, I suppose, is that it does offer you a decent amount of planes and weapons to choose from. However there is little point to this, as all of the planes fly similarly from what I could tell and any weapon outside of the standard missiles are useless. It is very difficult to hit anything with bombs and downright impossible to hit anything with the plane's machine gun(I think I hit a STATIONARY target with it ONCE.)

The only story we are given is that two countries are at war with each other. That's it. The story is told through anime-esque slideshows narrated by a man who was a child while the conflict was still raging on. We don't even know who our main character is as he never once speaks throughout the entire game! We are told nothing about him: not his past, not is dreams, not his personality, not even his name! Only the code name "Mobius 1" that is given to him at the start of the first level.

All in all, Ace Combat 4 doesn't know what it wants to be. It tries to be both an arcade-style flying game while also trying to be a realistic flight sim, and it fails at both. This coupled with the poor controls and the lack of variety and engaging story ruins anything good qualities this game might have had.

Sorry Project Aces, you only get a 4/10 from me.

Hey reviewer there is a casual mode that lets you move the aircraft easily

Oops, I forgot about that.
While there is a mode that lets you control your aircraft more easily, I was unable to figure out how it worked because the game's tutorial only teaches you how to use the more difficult control scheme. This confounds me, honestly. Why would you have two different control types if you're only going to include a tutorial on one of them? I realize that Westerners and Easterners have very different mind sets, but this is just a lack of common sense.

weeeeew. Gaming journalism was at its peak when the journalists knew their line of work was silly. It attracted cancer once it started to become a "real career".

...

I have a different view. I think "getting paid to play video games" was an awesome dream job for these people in their early 20s, but once they hit their 30s and they go to their high school reunion, all their former classmates are stock brokers and engineers and entrepreneurs, and then they get asked "so what do you do for a living?"

Mobile Suit Gundam: Zeonic Front is an awful clunky mess of a third person shooter. In the game you control what a game calls a "Zaku" a Gundam-type super robot fighting for the Principality of Jion against the Earth Sphere Alliance. The game is squad based, but the AI is retarded. They don't know where to go anywhere on their own and you have to use a crappy menu to plot out their routes MANUALLY. Honestly, how could the devs be this lazy not to let the AI move on their own. That's not the only problem either, your Gundam can't even take cover, the only cover you have is when you have to physically move behind buildings, unlike every other game on the market. Your movement is awful and slow, you can't really dodge in any real way and you don't have regenerating health either. Sometimes the enemy just one shots you, FOR NO REASON AT ALL!

But that's not even the worst part of the game, the story is just abysmal. You see the Jion were inspired by Nazi Germany so you play as a bunch of genocidal maniacs, and the game doesn't even comment on this! No brutal war crime scene that changes the hearts of the squad causing them to rebel against the evil tyrants of Jion, no it doesn't mention it at all. I would even go as far as to say it even endorses these awful atrocities by their inclusion. Not only that, but this game also objectifies women. Your commander, Schimitzer, tells a female recruit that she can't pilot a Gundam machine because she needs to "get back in the kitchen and make me a cum sandwich". This game was made by white male supremacist bigots trying to glorify the Nazis and misogyny. In addition to being an awful to control and unfun to play game.

0/10, didn't even play.

They used to make fun of themselves for exactly that. Nobody exploited it as a platform for social issues and politics back in the day because nobody took it that seriously.

Doing game reviews for magazines was at least a bit more professional sounding. The internet just feels lame because anyone can use it.

Black was probably the greatest part of my childhood, along with Tekken 5. I still have my original copy that came with the PS2.

I remember beating it and enjoying it, but I fail to recall any specific details that made it stand out in any way. What was so great about it again?

...

FUCKING STOP!

I don't really remember. All I can recall is that it was fun, more than I can say for most games today.

memes aside i played through this game again recently and the lack of minimap or journal or any sort of thing telling you where exactly you need to be was a minor annoyance

...

What should be my childhood game? The first I played was Castlevania SOTN followed by FF7, and then on PC it was Crusaders of Might and Magic.

People who were born in 1999 are now 18 years old. When Halo came out, they were one 2 years old.

Only*

Black had the best graphics at the time, from what I remember. But yes, it's old now, really old, it's from 2006, don't forget that.

All characters are white men an the UI looks like windows 95
2/10 polgon

The story is very well written, A white woman gives up her privilege and becomes a strong Jamaican woman (with dreadlocks). She genocides entire races, while putting white men in their place.

Despite the progressive story, i have to comment on the medic's audio sex appeal, and her violent death animation that gave me nightmares. The mineral worker for the human faction being black is also a point of concern. If only i could control more than 12 units or at least two buildings at once.

The multiplayer's community is what you would find on an image board, very discriminatory, i tried joining a game and someone kicked me out, a report button should implemented.

6/5

someone actually made a thread on the Starcraft remaster Forums asking for a report option because he joined a game and said he was from somewhere and was kicked out for it.

Also the thread was downvoted harshly and everyone flamed the OP,

...

Hey reviewer
Fox 2

Mega Man 4 Retro Review

Mega Man 4 is literally the worst game ever made. On top of being annoyingly hard and unfun, with unintuitive controls and too many weapons for the player to manage, it's one of the most morally repugnant games of all time. Why is there no Mega Woman? Why are there no female Robot Masters? Instead we get Roll, whose demeaning role as a housekeeping robot promotes sexism and pedophilia. Even her name, Roll, is sexist, because it was meant to rhyme with "role", as in the role that the patriarchal asshole Dr. Light picked out for her. As if that wasn't bad enough, there isn't a single PoC character anywhere in the game. How could such a massive oversight have happened? How in the literal fuck did this misogynistic garbage get made? The only redeeming factor to this trash game is that you get to beat up Dr. Cossack, a Russian scientist who used his STEMlord powers to hack the election so Hillary Clinton, the most qualified candidate ever, didn't win. Unfortunately it's not enough to make up for the rest of this repulsive piece of fucking lowdown shit. Fuck you, Crapcom. Gamers are dead.

Stop it. Even as a joke its not funny

I want to laugh, but these jokes just remind me that the current gaming industry and media are actually genuinely as stupid as these fake reviews are merely pretending to be.

That's ableist
Reviewers wouldn't say that

Still perfect. Review done.

Bionic Commando
It's a platformer where you can't jump. I don't think I need to say anything else.
1/10
I remember a lot of Rearmed steam reviews pretty much being like this.

Destroying everything in the environment and gun porn

A pleasant soundtrack and a competent, if overly-simple art style can't save this expansive chore from its many flaws. The game sends you out into an entire "ocean" of inexplicably floating islands with little to no direction as to where to go at any given moment and fills the space in-between with endless ambushes that will wear you down long before you make it to the next island. In the event that you do manage to make it to your destination and through the gruelling dungeon that follows, you'll reach a boss that can wipe out your entire party in one super attack that comes with absolutely no warning at all. Fun!

While you're grinding against the generic enemies to level up in order to stand a chance, you'll quickly realise that there is next to no character customisation. No perks, no out of combat skills, nothing to add any distinct character to your otherwise flat cast. They learn magic separately from their level, but since they're stuck learning only one element of magic each anyway, I don't know why the developers even bothered making it needlessly complicated. There are also special berries you can feed your characters to get them to learn new super moves, but they are rare and you should be extra careful about who you give them to, because some party members will leave permanently, taking their berries with them.

Sometimes, the flaws in an RPG can be forgiven if the story is compelling, but even that is weak. It quickly breaks down into an endless repetition of the evil empire kidnapping your party's princess and everyone just goes along with the plan to walk through sewers to get her back, lacking any any individual motivations of their own. It's the kind of unfortunately outdated plot that might have passed in an '80s arcade game, but not today.

Overall, Skies of Arcadia is too stuck in the past, from its world design to its mechanics to its story, and does almost nothing to stand out from any other Japanese RPG on the market. Only bother with it if you are a hardcore grinder and have absolutely nothing else left. 3/10

Despise the game being utterly sexist, for having only male as characters, it also portray a POC owner of an industry being '30 mustache twirling evil shading a disgusting racist mood on my self for even being obligated to look at it. The puzzle levels are complicated and sometimes the controls are clunky, making some runs chased by monster only frustrating. The clear message of sadism coming from all the meat pices flying when a metaphoric black slave gets killed because those same character can't understand how to not get into the trap and instead obligate the player to babysit making this terrible "game" a long escort mission. Sounds effect are maybe the worst, being constantly in a loop without any real difference. Obviously the map layout is totally wrong, with not enough indication of secret passage.

I remember the last time we had a thread like this. Good times.

Crash hurts. No, not just my poor nostalgic soul gazing through the years at younger me imagining what potential she had and would subsequently squander, but it physically and mentally hurts. How did you contort your thumbs into those positions? Did you really just spend endless nights trying to spin every single crate and not die once, for a measly white gem? To which the answers are with youth, dexterity, and yes, there was nothing else to do because YouTube didn’t exist. Here we are then at the return of a 21-year-old series that the PlayStation community has been positively clamouring for for years. Was that PSOne Classic version just not enough? Well, Crash Bandicoot is back. But does the orange marsupial stand the test of time? Well, let's share this Wumpa fruit and talk it over. I like salt on mine…

Load up the first game of the trilogy and you'll feel like you haven't washed up on N. Sanity Beach in years, but the truth is you never arrived on this particular patch of sand in the first place. The N. Sane Trilogy isn't a remaster in the traditional sense, but a complete rebuild of all three games in the series. This isn't HD paint to hide Crash's rough edges. He's been entirely reconstructed from the trainers up, and it's immediately clear when you take control. It looks like the Crash experience you remember - complete with rose tinted 'didn't it always look like this?' moments - but this is an all new engine and completely new game. First off, what this means is that it looks utterly, eye-meltingly gorgeous. Whether it's the lush jungles of Hog Wild, riding an adorable tiger across the Great Wall of China, or the underwater diving sections of Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, it's ludicrously pretty.

However, and you knew this was coming, what it also means is that Vicarious Visions has had to bring the feel of Crash to effectively a brand new modern slate. PS4 demands the exact platforming controls required to navigate relentless levels and sometimes it just doesn't deliver. As someone who could play many of the original levels with their eyes closed after hours of agonising practice - shh, I had books too, ok? - it's difficult to get used to. Regardless of whether you steer with the directional buttons or the analogue stick, the first game especially is utterly unforgiving. I still don't know the quite right way to play, switching back and forth desperately between control schemes hoping one will eventually click. The stick feels far too unwieldy for exact jumps while the D-pad can't quite match the twitch controls of the original. While this is sometimes caused by 1996's level design that makes the Binding of Isaac feel like a summer getaway, it's frustrating to come to terms with the fact that you know how to make that jump perfectly, it's just not nearly as easy to do it here.

It's not all doom and gloom though, the N. Sane Trilogy is a perfect reminder of just how gloriously inventive the series is. While there gradually becomes a pattern to what the franchise loves - why don't you run forwards into the screen and still survive? - you're never bored. Electric eels trap pools with sinking platforms, giant dinosaurs stampede in pursuit of Crash as he leaps lava pools, and there's still the horribly tense Lights Out where platforms plummet from under your feet as you speed through each section before being plunged into darkness. All of that is here and it positively shines in a sparkling new engine. Crash is more emotive than ever, playing with his yo-yo when you pop down the controller or tossing Wumpa fruit in the air. If you aren't a fan of the bandicoot he's never going to win you over now, but for fans of the franchise, he'll scratch all those nostalgic itches nicely. It's also lovely to be able to switch between the games easily. Bored of the first game? Jump into Warped with a rocket launcher, or go ride an adorable polar bear in the second adventure. They all fit perfectly together.

Thankfully the trilogy hasn't been afraid to upgrade a few things, even if that bloody platform isn't a little easier to access. The save system has been completely overhauled, complete with an autosave feature as well as a level-by-level save you can do yourself if you just don't trust the tech to remember you've got that gem in Sunset Vista, thank you very much. This means no more passwords, even if you can remember the twenty-odd character length super code from the original. Another nice change for completionists is that you can earn a gem in each level simply by collecting all the crates. Previously you would have had to do each level in one run, but wisely, given how the games seem to have transformed into Super Meat Boy over twenty years, you can die as much as your meagre life supply will allow and you'll still get that crate countdown. It's just incidental, but Crash's girlfriend, Tawna, looks significantly less like a scantily clad GTA character, and refreshingly knocks out one of Cortex's goons before being overpowered. Similarly, she's not standing like a pinup girl at the end of each bonus round and there's no need to be ashamed she exists. Phew.

But then there's the death. There's just no escaping it, there might be brand new death animations to keep you entertained - oh look I've been swallowed by a lion again - but there's no avoiding that the controls just mean that Crash Bandicoot has become Dark Souls. It's a horrible shame. After being so excited for the remaster, there's just no avoiding that the N. Sane Trilogy and you aren't going to get along for a while. When it takes sheer willpower to survive the original's first island when you've played the game for years, you know something has gone wrong somewhere. Those coming in fresh to the franchise aren't going to know whats hit them. Sure, it's big, beautiful and positively packed with charm but it's time to prepare to die. I love the N. Sane Trilogy in its new roguelite form but some things will definitely frustrate those new to the franchise looking to find out what all the fuss is about.

...

I remember this shit, he was making a review of the book based solely on the cover and the back blurb right? I can't remember the context of why he did this. I think it was mocking some retarded article that had just come out where the author said a whole lot of shit that amounted to nothing but vague buzzwords.

Sticks is pretty hot too

Just on the cover illustration. The idea was to have an illiterate book reviewer as a comparison for Polygon's infamous gameplay footage of DOOD MOOM: you wouldn't trust an illiterate to tell you about books, so why trust someone who can't play video games to tell you about video games?

The rest of the thread, which you're probably better off forgetting, was devoted to the short-lived prospect of making a tumblr blog and populating it with reviews of games ostensibly written by progressive tumblrinas but actually written by anons. A fairly straightforward prank which, naturally, Holla Forums fucked up almost immediately because almost no-one on this board can write worth a damn and the OP apparently didn't know what the fuck editing was. He also put "vidya" in the URL, from what I remember, which is a dead giveaway; we had a pretty review of Deus Ex from what I remember, and after that it degenerated into shitposting.

i've been kek'd to death

This is the most sexist, racist, and impossible game to play!!!

For those who don't know, Star Fox Adventures is the sequel to Dinosaur Planet, an N64 video game that was revealed in at many events, but never released (At least, here in the West). Apparently the game saw great success in whatever country the game released in which resulted in Nintendo funding the sequel and deciding to bring it to the West. And, now I can see why the previous title saw success wherever it was released (I suspect Japan).

The game is the most insulting game towards my transwoman anti-asexual polygamous identity. And, did I mention I was a furry. I identity as a jaguar with more than enough trunk space to spare. And, it's great to see more games take on a diverse furry cast., but not when it's about oppression. The first character you play as is a blue fox. Now, blue is suppose to represent the color of neutral, and I suppose the bikini should have warned me, but this game is offensive towards my identity right from the word go. Here I expected to see a real representation of a transwoman fighting in a game, all it ends up doing is exploiting women for the player to ogle at. And, oh, it doesn't just stop there. After the first level, you then encounter the diverse Star Fox team who include an elder trans-woman (Given how xi's a rabbit and knows how to fix things), a down syndrome frog, and…oh, Lord no (Excuse me if I offend your religion)…a stereotypical male lead who's ruling over all the oppressed minorities of the group (Including the obviously Mexican robot). And, that's not all, this "Star Fox" team are incredibly violent. However, I am very amused to see this prime example of white male privilege be put in his place over how he has to be peaceful with these natives of the planet (If you want to call it a planet, more on that later). But, the game doesn't stop there. Oh no. Then the game has to go make fun of other minorities. First you have the items shop woman who is an offensive representation of Arabian society and the incredibly ancient world seeks to make fun of Latino culture as well.

I wish I could go on, but that's where the game ends. That's it. To explain more, the game begins with a sequence where you have to keep shooting at this flying ship, but I have no idea where to shoot at or how to what to shoot. and, this resulted in numerous instances where the female blue fox was repeated raped. After what seemed hours, I finally got on the ship, but the game, once again, didn't tell me where to go. I continued to wander around until I finally found some, obviously evil, rat in a cage demanding to be free. I sincerely hoped that there would be another option, but, no, you had to free this evil creature, only then to be stopped by the obviously Muslim captain of the ship who preaches the true words of Islam, and threw the basterdized woman off the ship (Who was "saved" rather than being allowed to face a better fate). The next level takes place in an Asian temple, and it just showed how much the developers lack any amount of self-awareness with how an insultingly dressed woman invades a peaceful place being watched over by it's Asian jellyfish guards (Who also defeated the obviously white male triceratops seeking to invade the temple).

I could go on about this for ages (Including talking about the incredibly out of place puzzle that requires my brain to jump through too many hoops), but there are two other levels in the game. The next one is of a rail-shooter sequence where you see these simple folk from a peaceful planet trying to defend it from the oppressive fox (Which is more of a political allegory than what I'd like to call "actual gameplay"), and the following proceeds to repeat the same gameplay you played as the female fox. However, this time you see the oppressive male fox going around and offending everyone he meets. And, there is nothing else to do. I even happened upon an area where even Mother Nature was agreeing that we have to kill this status symbol through the use of mushrooms, but there is nothing else to the game. However, I did notice a small clearing with a staff, but I refuse to pick up any weapon. It's my moral code as a pacifist.

So, what do we have when you put hat together. A game that proceeds to be about the oppressive views of the fox race (Representative of white people), and someone's attempt to make it all sound so tragic. You should really see about passing on this game. The only thing it's good for is to see the glorious death screen when the main character dies. I am insulted that Nintendo would release such an offensive game. Talking to my contacts over at Nintendo Treehouse, the game didn't receive any official pass from them, and it's a prime example of why they need to be on top of the job instead of the pedophiles in Japan.

Oppression/10

Thanks, mate. My memory is pretty garbage of late.

none of my guests are excited by my custom roller coaster that has virtually no nausea or intensity and painted rainbow to represent diversity and Bernie Sanders at no point ever offers to pay off my debt

Goddamnit, EA.

...

Dont be lazy
gamesradar.com/crash-bandicoot-n-sane-trilogy-review/

Let's adress this game's selling point right away. It has naked women. Moving on.
The Void aims to be a surreal, charming experience, but only succeeds in being the very height of unintuitiveness. The heroine, a submissive waif who literally sacrifices herself for your sake, explains a bit how the game is supposed to work.Gather color from plants, invest color in trees through an extremely unresponsive drawing minigame, use color to boost your stats because we're too good and unique to use an XP system, do not fear falling to your death, for there is no death in the void. (Yes there is, you hypocritical game, but we'll get to that in a moment)
What she doesn't explain is 90% of how the game actually works. It does not suffice for you to not waste color uselessly. You must, at all times, optimize everything, lest you back yourself into a corner and waste ten hours of gameplay, effectively dying. Yes, if you do not behave like a hardcore dudebro "gamer", you will never be able to beat the first gimmicky boss, much less complete the game. And that's without mentioning the random and gratuitous plundering of your investment farms by the "brothers" who definitely earn their monicker.
Overall, while it does boast a pleasant art direction (for the environments, I refuse to praise, let alone speak of, the outrageously objectified Sisters) it incarnates all the problems of the video games of yesteryear. It refuses to do its job of entertaining you in favor of adhering to a misplaced elitist principle. I look forward to its remake by The Chinese Room.
3/10

Pretty gud
Dudebros would never play this game though. Was that on purpose?

The Void has some major problems, unfortunately. One of them made me unable to complete it, and I don't feel like replaying the whole way. The game crashes on the final Sister, in the apartments, I think it's when I try to give her color. Also, some of the Brother fights are really bullshit.

More of a jab at the fact cucks like these brand any vidya audience they don't like dudebros.

A tedious rip off the original Super Mario, this character is named Wario, Mario with an upside down M, how genius!

But the character can't run for shit or jump flawlessly like his red counterpart. The devs knew that this shitty character can't do jack shit unlike Mario, that's why most of the enemies are weak walking turds and are a joke to defeat, just one bump and they're hopeless.

You may wondering: "who is the main antagonist on this game?" A strong independent woman, that's right if you want to beat the game you must kill a poor woman and her Robin Williams wannabe, not only that but Wario's design is basically a stereotype of a jewish person, nice try Nintendo but your redpill memes won't work on gamers like us.

So in conclusion: The game is about a Drumpf supporter who's willing to beat up and abuse a poor woman. Him and the Purple guy with an upside down L made me quit Mario sport games just making me focus on the main platformers, at least they're not shoving alt-rightist messages.

Nintendo if you wanna keep your costumers satisfied, please remove those kind characters and add more women like the pirate or Pauline, so could show you that women are just capable as men or even more.

You don't have to visit all sisters though, I would even say that's a waste of color. Just choose who creates your next world and fill all her containers, that gives a legit ending. Not the true ending, sure.

I recently played this for the first time. I was completely new to the warhammer 40k universe. This game was fun, it had a good story that moved the game on and a constant upgrade system in the form of better iterations of weapons as you progressed. The game is a third person shooter/ hack n slash game. Your character feels heavy and the damage you deal feels right. One thing I really liked about the game is that just when you start getting tired of orcs a whole new threat emerges and offeres you new enemies to deal with. Oh and the jump pack sequences were fucking great.

How am I supposed to know that? Also, that particular sister intrigues me, you know why.

Also, I literally painted myself into a corner, even if I leave that sister alone, I am forced into a mandatory boss fight with a tough Brother, I forget who, and I don't have enough of the correct colors for the fight. I died like 15 times before giving up.

Ava tells you that upon filling her second container if I recall. The Void can definitely be cryptic but the purpose of the sisters is told pretty directly.
But yes, the game can really back you into a corner in a hurry. I know all about unavoidable brother battles. It's a great game, but basically god help you if you don't keep a lot of saves to unfuck your shit.

Ah yes, you may be right. But wasn't there something about helping all sisters? I forget, it's been months.

...

You'd need to have a lot of faith in a games journalist to expect him to get that far.

You didn't even mention that it's obviously ripped off gears of war.

"The intentionally poor story and dialog, extremely bland environments and (at best) okay combat system makes this a shitty game that flat-out sucks. The game is surprisingly lengthy for such a basic game, though it gets incredibly boring and frustrating so you likely won't play for too long. One of the only redeeming qualities of the game outside of the reasonably nice character models and animations is the pretty great music.

3/10, below average game."

...

I'm playing Ys: The Oath in Felghana right now for the first time and I am legitimately surprised. The steam reviews all made me expect something like Dark Souls 2, whereas in reality, everything is thought out and Bosses are never unfair but just require you to properly gear up and learn their patterns.

The only problem I have with the game, is that I just can't figure out how to beat Chester in the second fight

Quoting a real review is cheating

A deliberately archaic experience, perhaps made only to pander to fragile, stick-in-the-mud "gamers". Nintendo has set out to put as many obstacles in the way of the players enjoyment. Every level has an arbitrary timer, I waited it out to see what would happen it it caused me to fail the level (we'll cover the use of levels later). adding insult to injury player death results in a loss of a life, this may have been a clever shout out to the loss of resources from dark souls but it's delivered without tact. Unsure what purpose my lives collected even served i used all of them only to be presented with a game over screen, an obnoxious reminder to the player that they are only playing a game, and when you get a game over you are forced to replay any levels from the area you had beaten again.

I was floored at this mockery of the playerbase, but it only grew worse, the levels not being interconnected through an open world was jarring but the levels are also littered with items that hold no clear explanation, there is currency to collect but i have yet to find any ways to spend it on better equipment for the Mario brothers. Probably just another means of wasting the players time and a way for bitter "gamers" to bang their chests for taking the time to complete these intentionally broken titles. on that note of course the plot is an immature romp about rescuing a princess with seemingly no other character development or drama. I have no attachment to these characters or reason to continue in this game but since I am a professional i pressed on. after many tries i was able to beat the turtle final boss on an air ship only to be gobsmacked by the game sending me to "world 2". It was time to stop

4/10, the graphics are a pleasant retro throwback but everything else about the game was just a harvest of tired tropes of gaming to give stubborn players a sense of superiority for completing the game.

Ben Kuchera? Is that you?

A deceptively named game that is treading a thing line between deception and blatantly false advertisement being indicative of the deep cultural divide between the mindset of easter game developers (namely ones from Japan) and their , much more attuned to the needs and wants of their audience in 2017 , westerns counterparts.
As a preface, I would like to say i adore the female form. A pleasing hip-to-waist ratio is intoxicating which was what alongside the word TЯAPT stretched across so symbolically , so alluring on the box cover that drew my attention to it . Having said that, I do have a soft spot, or specifically hard spot, for transgenders. The effort invested in feminizing yourselves, behaviourally and physically, and your insanely submissive traits drive me crazy. As girls, you're ideal to dominate, domesticate and transform into a literal bang-maid – you drool over the prospect of being rammed with a straight guy's cock whilst baking his cookies and cleaning his mirrors. You actually experience sexual excitement, outright pleasure, in being bossed around, told to perform household chores and belittled – you want to be reduced and humiliated. You understand that any residual masculinity, something to which you're not entitled and haven't earned, must be stripped away and destroyed, leaving only a quivering, feminized ball of pliable and eager flesh.
You're needy, accommodating, desperate for a long-term relationship, fond of the idea of serving a stronger male, and willing to alter your body, attire and makeup to stimulate maximum arousal. Some of you are sufficiently understanding and progressive to tolerate mistresses. This is truly impressive and speaks to an amazing degree of care or commitment or love for your male despite your insane insecurity or jealousy – you understand, implicitly, that to keep a male outside of your status, which almost all of us are, you must ensure we're totally satisfied sexually. This might involve boinking sluts on the site. You also are eager to let us customize your bodies through surgery, dolling you up and parading you around – showing the world that "this is my girl, and I played a role in making her a girl".
I'm also fond of traps and sissy-boys. This revolves around domination almost entirely. Humiliating/penetrating a weaker male, reducing him to a whining, moaning bitch, gets me rock hard. I'm also 6'3" and penetrating a tiny 5' Asian guy would be hilariously enjoyable. The tranny thing also relates to dominance – actually changing one's body is profoundly submissive, subservient even, and taking possession of such a guy, girl, whatever, changing his pronoun and fucking him in a violent and painful way, while she tries to put on a smile, and after scurries around cleaning up the mess, is an amazing experience.

This game has nothing of these things in it , nice box cover art though 2/10

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i believe it has something to do with an attempt at re-branding mostly because of the negative actual reviews the games of the series got from the press , for me i personaly found it more annoying when they switched from a first person view to a third pesrond view and the removal of enslaving opponents for the creation of monsters that you could then summon

you cheat

As my eyes were assaulted by the polygons from hell this game dares to call "graphics", I was quickly humbled by this primitive world as even attempting to get past Liberty Island, the starting zone, was one of the most arduous things this middle class man from Seattle ever had to do. Aiming for complete realism, the guns in this game have such incredible recoil that they are only effective when you are quite literally breathing down the target's neck. Should you suffer from any kind of damage, you will be downed in roughly four hits. Even once I managed to get a kill by the skin of my teeth another terrorist just saw the body and started to shoot at me! My health had no time to regenerate, and I was killed immediately over and over again. What is most brutal about this game however is the complete lack of checkpoints: you die once, that's it.

While I believe I spread out my initial skill points evenly (a mix between Enviormental Training and Swimming) I do not believe I have what it takes to handle this game, nor does anyone. 2/10.

Megaman 4 is a dissapoiting entry from an otherwise memorable series.
After buying megaman legacy collection i could not wait to play megaman 4, after megaman 2 this game should be even better right? It wasnt.
The game starts by making you choose between eight different stages and this is where the problems begin, the bosses are bland and unoriginal unlike the ones in megaman one and two, in the earlier games you could easily tell which stage to start playing first by applying logic to the bosses (water beats fire so bubbleman is strong against heatman, metal cuts wood so metalman is strong against woodman), the designs of the bosses in this game are too confusing so the player doesnt know what stage should xe select.
In this review I started with (ugh) Ringmans stage, the stage is filled with artificial difficulty such as the ring miniboss that cant be fought without taking damage and one enemy that rams megaman to death and you cant do anything about it, apparently you were supposed to know this game had a charge shot feature (Back then you had to buy guides to find out this stuff, good thing thats something from the past) thankfully they removed this feature in megaman 9 to not alienate the player with such confusing mechanics and platforms that keep dissapearing so you cant stay in one spot for too long or its and instant death.
After my third game over I simply stopped playing the game, I really tried to like this game but megaman 4 is just hard for no particular reason, its sad to see that megaman has turned into dark souls.
Final rating: 6.1/10

"Despite the sometimes humorous occurrences in the game, it finds itself succumbing tired old cliches. For instance, painting women as either 'sex objects', such is the case of Banjo's sister Tooty (who's revelled for nothing except for her attractiveness), while stereotyping women of color, such as Gruntilda the 'witch', who is mocked throughout the game for the appearance of her body and disobedience to the typical feminine beauty standards. Each time Gruntilda referred to herself a 'hag' or 'wench' I would shudder to myself."

bump

The suits in the video game industry are absolutely retarded.

REEEEEEE

the fuck?

An oldie but a goddie.

...

what the fuck user

"A terribly problematic game, as the antagonistic force in the game is characterized by a little girl, signifiying the underlying hatred of feminity that runs through entirety of the game.

All the female characters only exist to be sexualized, as your female asian medic is only put there to fulfill the sexy nurse role, with the rest being all damsels.

Gameplay-wise, the game takes clear inspiration from Battlefield: Hardline, with a tactical approach that is suppoused to be spiced up with a Slow motion mechanic. Sadly this mechanic does nothing to make the game even less difficult, as even the game is punishingly unforgiving even in the easiest setting.

The game is worthless storywise, as you don't really learn anything about the lore or make any meaningful choices, highlighting the ludonarrative dissonance, since your character cannot communicate with anyone.

In conclusion, the game is problematically unforgiving."

Oh boy another reason to post this

:^)

With the reputation the Sonic series had, I felt like I'd give the first game a go. Never having played any of these games before, I always interested by its sense of style and speed, its unique atmosphere and awesome ballsiness. I naturally expected a wild ride from start to finish, but what I got instead was something very troubling.

When you start moving, Sonic gets going slower than it takes to grow mushrooms on an irradiated corpse. Once you've been holding right for, I don't know, ten minutes, he finally accelerates to an acceptable speed - about as fast as Mario could run, only difference is that Mario didn't take an eternity to reach that speed. And then guess what happens next? You inevitably run into a wall of spikes that you couldn't see coming, lose all that speed, and have to start back at square one. Plus, there are many sections where you have to be going full-speed to get through them, such as a steep hill. But good luck building enough speed to get up there before something hits you.

So you just keep holding right, sputtering along in hopes you'll finally reach the fucking goal at the end of this level that stretches into the light years, not unlike dragging your dick through broken glass. And that's all these games really are - you just hold right. Never palyed a Sonic game? Take any controller and hold right. But then, get this. I finally beat the boss in the first zone (it only took a couple hours thanks to the broken hitboxes on his wrecking ball thing, and the stupid archaic lives system sending me all the way back to the beginning for a game over), and then I reach the next zone, Marble Madness. To my surprise, the levels became entirely focused around PUZZLE SOLVING. No longer was I able to get that satisfying feeling of speed for even a couple of seconds, because I was now bogged down with a labyrinth of crap I had to slowly push around or ride moving blocks. Even trying to go forward at a reasonable pace meant falling in lava or getting killed by falling spike traps. At that I turned the game off. Think about that for a moment and just let it soak in: a series that for over two decades has routinely jerked its gherkin over its BLAZING FAST SONIC SPEED. And yet here, in the very first game, the developers completely abandoned the very idea in the second world! They don't even know what their own game is about! This game is a confused mess, a DATED confused mess at that.

I think it's safe to say at this point that Sonic was and always will be undeniable trash. The nostalgia boners are in full force and will obviously rush tod efend this travesty of a series, but they'll never be able to justify their weak, crusty old vomit beyond "I'm played it as a boy, it's great!". Just like how they defend all their so perfect japanese tripe.

...

came to post my own version of this.
I guess you win.

Okami is, on paper, a game which should check all the boxes for any interesting, mature gamer: it takes place in a feudal Japanese setting positively oozing with mythological characters and tales, it showcases a unique approach to the Ocarina Of Time-inspired adventure game formula, and the art style should be visually appealing. Heck, the protagonist isn't even human, which is an immediate positive in this industry of ours, oversaturated with white military-industrial protagonists as it is.

On paper, it should work. In execution, it falls apart at almost every opportunity. As I mentioned, the game's world is crawling with characters and events from Japanese mythology and folklore. While I had initially thought that a clever touch to pay homage to the country's history and cultural fibre, it turns out that the main storyline of the game is stolen whole cloth from the Amaterasou myth, which is closely tied to the creation of the world in Japanese mythology. You literally play as the goddess Amaterasou reincarnated into the body of a white wolf, and must purify the cursed lands of ancient Japan and restore goodness to the world.

This setup is exceptionally lazy. I was prepared to forgive the game that transgression - since it seemed to believe the story should be in service of gameplay, a quaint notion in spite of its wrongness - but the gameplay is so crushingly difficult I struggle to believe anyone could derive honest enjoyment from it. I suppose this is the consequence of living in a post-Dark Souls gaming industry.

Okami wants me to kill demons to save the world. But why can't I talk to them? Why can't I hear THEIR story? They were clearly living here before Amaterasou awoke, so what right do I have to go around the countryside slaying them where they stand? And let's not even get started on the implications of a pure white wolf (wolves are known to be favoured symbols of the thinly-veiled white supremacists who compose the GamerGate movement) exorcising inhuman or Black evil.

Every now and again there is fun to be had with Okami's gameplay, but many of its puzzles are so obtuse and so baffling I don't see how anyone who hasn't literally courted the developers on a dozen dinner dates could figure them out. The game's main gameplay gimmick is the ability to pause time and use a paintbrush to draw shapes in the world, which can create items or connect objects to assist our canine heroine or to hinder her "enemies."

The first dungeon (again, an idea blatantly stolen from Ocarina of Time) told me I could connect flowers to my wolf using a magic paintbrush in order to jump around the level. Apparently this was supposed to be such a logical conclusion I was meant to use it to combat the boss (yes, this game has bosses - I heaved the same sigh you just did when i saw the first one of many). Apparently it's perfectly normal in Japan for spiders to have their abdomens pulled open by floating flower vines. This is to say nothing of the kind of enemy encounters which will take you completely by surprise while moving around in the game's overworlds, accompanied by fittingly cacophonous, awful music.

And, frankly, there's just too much content. After saving the peaceful mountain village from the ambitions of an eight-headed serpent or something equally dumb, I was staggered to learn there was MORE content to explore. Needless to say, I filled the rest of the time I would have spent playing the game with footage from speedruns and let's plays. It was a much superior experience to the game's apparent cap of 90 hours of content. (Seriously? NINETY hours? Who has time for that?)

Clover Studios ought to be ashamed of creating such a blatant Orientalist fantasy for "gamers" to indulge in, no doubt thinking themselves cultured for having indulged in it. It is yet one more example of white appropriation of minority culture, and it's disgusting. The gameplay also raises huge accessibility concerns for visually challenged players, and there's way too damn much of it.

Final verdict - 2/10

I have a diploma in journalism. This was painful to write.

10/10

Come on guys, it's the year 2017 of the Current Era.