Every steam review

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how is this even possible

what am I missing?

why does everyone like this game?

this

nowadays if you do anything less of jerking off developers for the lone fact they bothered to make a game you're an epic nazi trolle

Reddit
No one will upboat their review if they are being too mean

Sometimes a game actually has a decent idea behind it, but shits all over that idea in implementation. I could kinda understand that, especially with all the Early Access games out there.
We don't need your whole life story to preface a review though. A simple "I played the older Dooms and they were cool, but the reboot didn't sit well with me and here's why:" would suffice.
There are also the times where the reviews say nothing about the game. Check out Factorio's page.
Of the first 10 reviews I only see 3 which actually try to be reviews.

Autism, user. You wouldn't understand.

Even better
The game is apparently so good that he went out of his way to review it, when he usually doesn't review games. 172 games in his account and this is the diamond in the rough.

autism

Because not everyone is a revisionist faggot that acts like they always hated a game when it turns out to be disappointing.

Fuck reviews. Just follow Waifu Hunters recommendations and you'll be fine.

Good question, OP. Why would somebody who spent money on something want that thing to be good? Really makes you think. We may never solve life's greatest mystery: Why do people who buy things want those things to be good?

You want to see something bad?
store.steampowered.com/app/395500/
91% positive reviews. It's literally 20 minutes long, accounting for cutscenes. There's no ingame "close game" button, but there's a button ingame to buy ad space. On top of that, it's an extremely easy, extremely simplistic 2d platformer. I don't even remember how I got it. I hope I didn't pay for this bullshit. It also had really stupid keyboard-only controls, which can't be rebound. NINETY-ONE PERCENT POSITIVE REVIEWS ON THIS. I would bet my left nut there's something shady going on there.

I don't know, it looks pretty good.

It's insultingly bad. It's Mega Man without the challenge, or the fun bosses, or a decent length, or good level design, or good controls, or any of what makes Mega Man actually good.

Why do people buy things that aren't good?

It's $2 and people can probably mistake it for Gunpoint.

"Completed in 30 mins, real easy and short but fun. For 30 mins. But I suppose that's the value of £1.35 these days, if I'd spent it on a mars and a can of pop that'll be demo'd in 2 mins. "

top kek

Because they don't do enough research.

At least Gunpoint is fun the first time through. This is garbage. Here's the worst review.
It pisses me off how many people are going on about "Oh it's amazing I've never played a game quite like this before!" If I didn't have important plans today I'd set myself on fire, I'm so angry.

It's not even a fun 30 minutes, either. It really is mediocre. If you do your research and buy during a sale you can get a 100+ hour game for under $10. The longest level in the game is the one where you look for the button to shut the game off and then give up and close it through the task manager.

Bad. I meant bad. I'm so angry my hands are rebelling.

Yes/No reviews breeds this kind of faggotry. When I am bothered by a popular game's flaws and decide to check reviews, surprise surprise, fucking NO ONE mentions them and they proceed to endlessly fellate the game. I'm looking at you, Warband, Terraria, Recettear and other cruelly overrated games no one can criticize objectively.

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I honestly didn't even notice that part. That's pretty bad.

Every top steam review

Notice that key in the top right. this guy probably buys tons of cheap keys from other sites to make his library bigger and never plays them. case in point.

ftfy

Does it ever bother you guys when your steam account name is something completely different from your username? It bothers the hell out of me.

Nope, my Steam account name is my username

I don't really mind. I made my account a long time ago and the name I signed up with isn't a name I want displayed anymore.

You never got tired of your username?

See this is how it usually goes. I've been trying to come up with a username that I can stick with, but I don't think a username like that even exists. I'm just too picky. It certainly bothers me that my original login is something I'd like to keep hidden as you do. I just wish there were an option to change it.

I'm not super picky about names, I just want to change it every couple years, I guess. I think I'm on the third one I've used for any real length of time, after about 9 years.

Can somebody tell me what's the full story behind this?

Autist uses the server forums to invite people to his house then subsequently kill them and take their stuff. The guy recording is an admin who decided to investigate.

>Adults actually say this unironically.

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Not just their stuff, he beheads them and then displays their heads on the walls, and those that he can't fit in the walls he puts in the chests. It's why he loses his shit when the chests get deleted.

Little fucker is a serial killer in the making.

For the exact same fucking reason that custom tagging was disabled. Developers can't handle criticism at all.

Nah you get the heads as a drop anyway, since you get them you might as well put them somewhere. I used to occasionally play on modded anarchy servers and would do the same thing

How do you guys decide your username?

look at the latest meme on reddit and change it to that to fit in

pick something more or less at random, change it every few months, because i'm an user and don't want a name that lets people track my userhistory.
not that i've used steam for years.

you can still see the nicknames that a person has used previously in steam

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Thank god I don't actually interact with the community, it's cancerous as shit. I just go online every so often because muh free booster packs to sell, and play whatever I'm into at the time alone.

Occasionally you find an objectionable review that just straight up says what the mechanics are. 99.9999% of the time it's meme shit and retards saying a game is hard.

??
I don't review stuff often, but I'll try to give a quick idea of what it's about, and bring up any major issues I had. I only review stuff that doesn't have a lot, though. Usually it's a game I like with a small community, that I think deserves more attention.

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I meant to say objective or objectively or some derivative. I just woke up so my brain isn't on all the way.

These are the only good reviews.

The Steam review system is legitimately the best thing that happened to PC gaming in recent years. Not only it gives you accurate information, it's very frustrating to use for idiots. Elitism has never tasted so sweet.

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You can also just spam periods in your name to get rid of the history, Satan.

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I never gotten a booster pack, in fact I don't even understand the card shit, I stopped getting them as well.

I would have enjoyed playing this game for free on Newgrounds back in 2012.

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Some just do it for the meme.

Im surprised that nobody has made a video of this with the cleric beast ost

That my friend is passive aggressive behavior in a nutshell. It's ultimately a "polite" way of saying the game is shit without hurting the imagined feelings of whomever is reading the review. Possibly for fear of getting into an argument, because faggots that do that have an ill conceived notion that being passive aggressive won't provoke attacks.

The HOI3 Discussions are worse

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But user, Valve ARE a bunch of greedy jews

Sucking cock is how the normalfag perceives quality. The cock that is sucked the least is unimpressive. The cock that is sucked the most is exciting to them and so they feel compelled to elate a desire to do and having done the same.

I mean, at least that was one of the first joke reviews.

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what a story gabe!

I hate how reviewers have to give a fucking life story before getting to the point. I don't fucking care what the franchise means to you as a person, I don't care about what sort of childhood memories you cherish to this day, or any of that shit.
Give me a quick rundown of the game, explain what works, what doesn't, what could be better. Try not to do so by comparing it to other games, because that relies too heavily on the reader having prior knowledge. Your review should stand on its own feet so that anyone who doesn't have in-depth knowledge of genre tropes and niches can understand what makes this game good or bad.
Hell, do the fucking thing in bullet point first, then edit it and string the bullet points together in a few sentences. End it with an overall recommendation (worth a buy, get it on sale maybe, avoid, etc).
Not fucking hard.

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You get dogpiled by fanboy if you don't act fully nice. There are cases where even devs shittalk you. Not everyone can take the pressure.

What the fuck is wrong with that walk cycle? I wouldn't for this sole reason.

The worst thing I find in a large portions of negative reviews on gaben's cockblog is apologetic style.
Never apologize if you did nothing wrong, what the fuck. It lessens you as a human being. Bitch cucks everywhere

Everyone can take the pressure. They just don't want the everyman to ignore their review when it gets overloaded with criticism from fanboys.

Additionally, sometimes it's helpful to explain what perspective you're reviewing from. For example, I'm giving this a bad review mostly because I know that the first game was a lot better, I'm biased from nostalgia, I enjoyed this other game so play this if you liked that one, etc.

Nice quads.

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The best reviews are the negative reviews from players that have over 1k hours on the game. Those reviews seem to be very good if you want to understand the flaws of a single game

Baldur's Gate Trilogy. 150+ hours. Done.

Don't buy it though. Pirate it. Beamdog don't deserve your money for what they did to it.

That's the number of players at once, not total.

wew

Please explain

because the steam community and the reddit community have a very large overlap

Give me an example of a good steam review.

free market profiting from memes.

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The hell is that?! It's as if someone would ask for an good example of a girlfriend and I posted pic related.
Give me a real good example.

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There is nothing wrong with either of those statements.

Now that's a rack of beef I'd love to eat.

It's what's taught to be the proper way to criticise something in person. You are supposed to praise the positives at first, so as to get the other person to open to you rather than stop listening after the first sentence or immediatelly go into an argument, and then start in some polite way share the criticism. As in "I love X, Y, and Z. I can really tell you put a lot of work into Q, it's really great. Although, I've noticed that T is a bit rough along the edges, don't you think? Maybe if you did blahblahblahblahblah"

It works fairly well in person, as you can then skillfully shit all over your friend's inept labour without him suffering an anal meltdown, but there's zero reason to use it online.

It probably has too many hormones and is fed GMOs.

store.steampowered.com/app/557860/
Free full game download version here
levity.itch.io/azurea-juncture
I think it was made by a Holla Forumsack

Seen a thread by the dev on /a/ a while ago