Okay I'll bite.
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEVER HAVE AN ANSWER FOR WHY MY EVERY EFFORT ALWAYS FAILS!?!?!
EVENT > OBSERVATION > BELIEF
I think what we've discussed addresses this implicitly, but I'll address it directly because you want me to and because I like you and I want you to get better. What you're saying here is, despite your corrupted thinking, fairly logical and sound. Another way of phrasing it in your case would be to say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I get it man. Your shit's all fucked up. When you've tried to get better in the past, it hasn't worked out. Simple pattern recognition has pushed you far beyond pessimism and even nihilism. You believe the entire universe is inimical to itself. However, I think you have made a leap in logic. You have demonstrated that you can conceptualize a scenario in which your life improves when you said earlier
If it's not perfect and permanent, it's worthless.
Only permanent recovery is worth it.
You're saying that if you could acquire, achieve, or experience something which has the qualities of perfection and permanence, then you would be impacted in such a way that you could be said to have improved, or recovered, or whatever. Then you say things like
How nice for you. Know that I cannot.
I can't. So I'm doomed.
which indicates that you consider recovery to be outside the realm of possibility. This makes sense, but only inside of your framework, wherein the only thing which is permanent and absolute is eternal torment. As someone who has studied Buddhism and religion, you should know that many other things possess the qualities of permanence, such as motion, energy, light, life, birth, growth, death, dissolution, and renewal. Nothing human, at least as we experience humanity in the third density, is permanent. Certainly no amount of healing could preclude you from hardship or death.
When you say your every effort always fails, you're referring to your experience, so you have grounds on which to say it. What I'm telling you is that it is possible to enact profound, life-impacting changes which can free you from the cycle of failure you have lived for so long.
I hope I've convinced you that I'm not some dense mouthbreathing retard who can't comprehend what you're saying. I've known people who think like you before. I just do not agree with you.
This brings me to the point where we can't have a productive conversation.
<I could never have that much money. EVER.
Yes you can faggot
<NO! I CAN'T! EVERY EFFORT ALWAYS FAILS!!!!!1!111!
Get a better job and explore financing and investment options
<BUT THE JEWS ARE GOING TO NUKE US! DO YOU GET IT YET??!
Things can get better man but you've got to try
I know it's hard, Ashes. Not only is your situation messed up, but you've got a mental illness that makes Terry Davis look like Donald Trump. I can understand why the extremely difficult appears to you as the impossible. I'm just saying it is possible.
The jungle is never a safe environment.
Neither are roads or swimming pools. I would argue that a part of the Amazon developed into a retreat facility is much safer than any urban environment in one of the shithole countries down there. There are people in the US who administer Ayahuasca and San Pedro in the United States, and they probably mean well, but the healing tradition they have down South is really comprehensive and involves multiple types of plant-based medicine, which is why I advocate for it.