Brace your buttholes, it's time for yet another one of my autistic rants about games I don't like. This one is Mirror's Edge Cuckalyst
First of all, the reviews were right. NOBODY FUCKING SMILES! NOBODY! I DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE HALF-WAY HAPPY PERSON IN THIS GAME so far
Hell, even if they don't smile, the NPC's have to at least sound like they're enthusiastic about what's going on around them, but they just fucking don't. Everyone speaks with a hint of "fuck my life" in their fucking voice. Maybe since the devs are Swedish, that's what they were going for. If so, Bravo.
Is the same girl who voiced Faith in the 1st game the same one voicing Faith in this game? Because whoever is voicing her is fucking awful. It's just the one, monotone, sedated voice the entire fucking game. Even when she's angry or frustrated, none of that is conveyed through the voice acting. She doesn't sound bothered by anything that happens in the game. She could get run over and pissed up by a deer and she'd still probably have that stupid monotone voice about it.
Pretty much plays out the same except there are no guns and the abilities you had in the 1st game are locked away behind a skill tree to make idiots think the game is deeper than it actually is. It still sort of does that thing where they clearly want you to just push past the enemies and run, but other times, the objectives are "Knock out all the enemies". Compared to the 1st, you'll spend a lot more time fighting than getting the thrill of running through stylistically designed city. Kinda pisses on the flow of the game if you ask me
It's true. There isn't a single likable character in this entire game. Faith is terrible to put up with, so is whatever his name is, the guy who mentored her, and the rivalry set up they had with the Chad McBetterThanYou SpeedQueen asshole with the glasses and hood is remarkably lazy and stupid.
Faith is fucking stupid and some of the shit in this game are her fault. In the beginning of the game, you go on one of the main missions, I don't even fucking remember what exactly the goal was because it was just that butt-fuckingly stupid, and you have to sneak into some really important building for an apparently really important reason. Mind you, Faith and Chad McBetterThanYou are doing this without the Mentor dude's consent (trigger warning), but they already left, so he just had to shut the fuck up and let them do it.
Mentor dude chimes in through the radio was the infiltration gets a little tight and says "Holy shit Faith, what the fuck are you fucking doing? This is a stupid idea, just get the fuck out of there before you put us all in danger"
Faith responds like so.
And then guess fucking what? Faith gets noticed, manages to sneak out with whatever the fuck she needed, knowingly risking her identity and the safety of everyone around her because…fucking why, exactly? Even I was thinking that mission was a bad idea as I was playing it.
Great job, Faith.
Wanna know what her fucking excuse was when Noah (I just remembered Mentor guy's name) asked her if anyone saw her?
Faith is fucking infuriating.
So how about those graphics? Looks good, runs well, apparently. I was playing it on my friend's rig. Whoever complained about muddy textures in the review was probably playing on console. It genuinely looks good and stays true to the kind of stylistic aesthetic choices the 1st game had, between the color themes and interesting interior design. Bravo for whoever handles that. I did experience a little bit of stuttering here and there. Not really sure why. Could be (((Denuvo)))
Side missions are boring fetch quests or boring destroy thing quest
I don't remember the 1st game having this red trail telling you where to go, or button prompts on the doors before you smash them open so you can remember which button smashes doors open. It's definitely a bit more casualized than the 1st, and that one wasn't even that difficult.
Generic CEO villain and Big Bad Corporation enemies that nobody gives a shit about. Seriously, DICE can't write stories or villains to save their fucking pathetic Swedish lives.
Overall, it's pretty shit. I don't even want to finish this travesty. The biggest flaw for me is that not even the characters seem to care about what's happening. No emotion. No happiness, no real anger, no real sadness. Every time it tried to convey these things, it completely donkey'd the opportunity.
I think I'll uninstall the game for my buddy. I'd be doing him a fucking favor.
In other news, Gilda is still shit, and basically, you're all homosexuals