THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN - THREAD #3 - IT'S REIGNING (super)MEN!

THREAD #1 - THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN
THREAD #2 - FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND

THE STORY SO FAR - Superman's dead, everybody's sad, and pa kent was so sad that he fucking died.

Now we begin the next part of The Death of Superman. The first part was his death, the second was his burial, and third, like Jesus, is his resurrection.
I'm talking of course about
REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN!

REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN (which is named after "The Reign of the Superman", a story Superman creators Jerry Siegal and Joe Schuster attempted to publish before hitting on Superman) begins with ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #500, where Pa Kent goes on a spirit journey to save Superman's soul.

You can tell it's an important issue because because it has a regular cover and a LENTICULAR cover! Highly prized by collectors at the time, and now universally reviled!

Back in SUPERMAN #77 (>>944916) I said that Pa Kent died. Well, turns out I was wrong. He was dead for only three months. Now Pa Kent is merely "not dead yet".

Boy, imagine all those guys who read SUPERMAN#77 only to read this one. I bet they felt duped or something.

As Pa Kent sees his boy in the afterlife and then tries to bring him back to the living, part of me is considering what DC is trying to pull here. We know now that Superman wasn't dead at all during the Death of Superman, so is this really happening or is this the delusions of a dying man?

We cut back to Metropolis and Gangbuster. I continue not to give a single shit about Gangbuster.

Oops, turns out Gangbuster busted up a police sting operation! Way to fuck that up Gangbuster!

I hope both you and your shitty Batman dialogue boxes go to hell.

Speaking of afterlife abodes, Pa Kent continues his journey to find his boy. As he does, he encounters all of the horrors he saw during Vietnam the Korean War. It might look like Vietnam, with the thatch buildings and the casualties, but it's Korea.

As I consider that post-crises Pa Kent is in late fifties, early sixties, Pa Kent finds his brother Harry who died years before by "falling under the thresher machine". I think the writer means a "combine harvester", otherwise Harry's cause of death doesn't make sense.

The Prankster hates the Turtle Boy show. I know pre-crises Prankster was a goofy villain, but what did he do post-crises that got him sent to the big house? From the way he talks about his time as a children's tv host, I can only imagine he got locked up for diddled kids.

Lucky for the Prankster, Jimmy is too sad to play Turtle Boy, and back at Smallville, Lois and Ma Kent are sad too because Pa Kent is fucking dying.

In the mysterious afterlife, Pa Kent encounters demons who make him strange offers for his soul. He says nuts to that and then finds himself in DC's off-brand version of Marvel's Infinity, Kismet.

Also, Kismet isn't nearly as cool as Infinity.

Blaze isn't as cool as Mephisto either.

After falling through a cosmic woman's naked body, Pa Kent finds himself on Krypton, where also finds his son, carried along in a strange Kryptonian death ritual. Actually, they're demons tricking Superman's soul into hell. I think.

All I know that any ritual that involves a talking albino ape man is probably up to no good.

Gangbuster pulls himself out of the water and downs another man's bottle of sauce like the jobless bum he is, and Superman's soul figures out "Hey, these guys are demons" and knocks the shit out of them.

Then he flies his pa away because they ain't gonna be dead no more.

You're killing me DC.

These comics were really ahead their times!

Before Superman and Pa Kent can cross into the black, obviously sinister void, Superman's alien ghost dad stops them. Then Superman's kinda ghost dad beats his ghost dad to death with a ghost shovel.

On the other side, Pa Kent awakens! He cries out that he's brought Superman back to life! With Pa's condition stabilized, Lois takes the next flight back to Metropolis. On her way, she sees a bright red streak shoot past her plane.

Which she dismisses as another superhero because there are so many superheroes in the DC Universe now. That observation makes me question what made Superman "super" in the first place.

Reports fill the airwaves of Superman! Lois checks the tomb and it's empty! Just like Jesus!

With that story over, we cut to a Metropolis gang-war where one side has guns so powerful that they fucking blast niggers in two. We're introduced to Rabbit, who runs the big fucking gun market in Metropolis, selling "Toast-Masters" to gangs on the street.

Everything about the last paragraph, including the design of Rabbit herself, is way too fucking cool to be in this shit.

The gang war awakens a hidden darkness! Up from the ground rises the biggest, blackest nigger ever to live! A big black nigger hungering to stop Doomsday!

In the dingy allies of Metropolis, another Superman shows up to burn the ass off a car thief. He wears sunglasses at night and gives no fucks.

In Cadmus's secret facility, something they've been working on has broken free! They were able to salvage some of Superman's DNA to clone, but the results refused to obey! Rescued by the Newsboy Legion, free to walk among us is Superboy DON'T CALL HIM SUPERBOY, DAD!

Was the spandex and earring part of the project? Because if so, that raises a lot of questions of what Cadmus was trying to create with Superman's DNA.

And finally, we have a Terminator Superman. Why anyone would believe a skull-faced robot is Superman is beyond me.

Also, because this was a special poly-bagged issue, we get fun things like a poly-bags and a skytop card. Compared to the swag people got for Superman #75, this is incredibly disappointing. Even more disappointing is that the skytop card is advertising DC's Bloodlines event.

The REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN is upon us. Stay tuned for the next issue where Superman (?) says "Fuck the Police" and brings Metropolis his own brand of justice!

So which one is best Not-Supes, Holla Forums? Giga Nigger, Robot, Superboy, or Zapman?

Do I mention how I love Shades Superman?

In order: Shades Superman, Superboy, Iron Man with a Hammer and finally Cyborg.

Black Iron Man is the best character and does the best job of honoring Superman's legacy.

This guy gets it. Although Supergroid loses points due to that horrible movie with Shaq.

It's ACTION COMICS #687, the secret origin of Shades Superman!

Hot dog! We get two covers and a poster!

Deep under the arctic ice, Herbie looking robots are hard at work reviving Superman! The fact they're speaking "Kryptonese" makes me smile. "Kryptonese" was the pre-crisis language of Krpyton, replaced post-crisis with "Kryptonian". You can actually find guides on learning how to speak Kryptonese.

By the power of strange alien science, the Man of Steel is reborn! As an electric ghost. Is this a prelude to Superman Red and Blue?

Oh man, I remember that rock candy.

Remembering his own death, electric ghost Superman vows to return to save the world! Speeding across the world, he arrives at his own tomb to molest his dead body and regain his amazing powers!

Made corporal once again, things are now so bright, Superman needs to wear shades! Really, he needs to wear shades. He's now got eye problems.

IT AIN'T NO GAME!

Bibbo decides to become Superman, and the "real" Superman trains with his new powers in the Fortress of Solitude. Seeing Metropolis in havoc, he knows its time to once again to fly into action!

BOOM! THIS AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S SUPERMAN! HE'S GOT A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY ON CRIME AND HE'S NOT AFRAID TO PUT NIGGERS IN THE GROUND!

COMPLY OR DIE!

Every time I see a page with comic prices on it, its fills me with both nostalgia and pain. It takes me back to my childhood, when comics were new and interesting, but also Solar: Man of the Atom #10 cost 75 fucking dollars.

With Shades Superman on the case, it throws LexCorp into chaos. It also starts a case of WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS and needless thought balloons that the writer Roger Stern is known for. Really, do we need to know the thoughts of the LexCorp guards that are unable to stop Supergirl?

Supergirl is upset that she didn't know about Superman's return, when really everyone was caught with their pants down, including Luthor. Speaking of pants, I can only imagine the artist drawing that butt shot on page 34 with a sly grin, and then the inker inking it with a sly grin.

Back on the streets, Shades Superman stops a plane from crashing into Metropolis, and we get even more inane throught balloons. Shades sees Lois and flies off with her so we can get even more inane thought balloons.

Hey, look, an ad for a comic book signing at Mile High Comics. You've got the assholes behind this heap, but you've also got Gil Kane, Julius Swartz, and the once and future Superman artist, Curt Swan. Poor Curt Swan. After thirty years of working on Superman, he was unceremoniously shit-canned in 1986, which lead to the collapse of his personal fiances, his marriage, and led to Swan drinking himself to death in 1996.

Back to the story. Why the fuck won't Roger Stern just let the fucking artist do their work? We don't need a fucking paragraph of needless thought bubbles. It doesn't do shit to progress the story. Sorting though all those words, Shades tells Lois that Clark is no more, it's only Super Shades from now on!

CRIMINALS BEWARE THE JUSTICE OF SUPER SHADES!

Finally, we get our poster, and the promise of Super Shades beating the shit out of Guy Gardner. I know I look forward to it.

Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where we deal with fucking SUPERSTEELNIGGA!

I'm getting Azbats vibes from Supershades.

Is he a critique of fan's complaints that Superman isn't edgy enough?

Yes.

Man I love looking at those old comic ads. I'd always want to order from Entertainment This Month, but we were poor.

Those fucking Valiant prices sweet jesus.

It's kind of funny how DC spent two arcs taking the piss out of edgy fans, only to capitulate to them later on.

not in the comic where Superman gets beaten to death by the Hulk?

What do you mean? The Dominus arc?

Thanks user

After enduring the mind-numbing boredom that was "Funeral for a Friend", I finally get back to the ridiculous shit I wanted out of this event.

Superman: The Man of Steel goes from Steel (who has a passing resemblance to Shaq) telling some young niggas the legend of John Henry to one of those niggas GETTING REDUCED TO A FUCKING SKELETON, in the span of three pages. Reduced to a skeleton by drive-by gang-bangers possessing transcendent levels of dakka.

Aw yeah. I've got a feeling this shit's gonna' be good.

Look at that smouldering skeleton on the sidewalk. That's some fucking Mars Attacks levels of brutality there. If Superman books want to deal with gun violence, that's the Superman level of gun violence I expect.

Is Steel gonna take that shit? Fuck no. He runs down the fucking car, breaks their fucking gun with his nigger strength, and has to be dragged against a fucking brick wall by a fucking car before he lets go. That whole scene is the reason Holla Forums is fucking afraid of niggers.

In the hospital, Steel tells a young nig about how Superman saved his life from a fall. Already this early in the comic, I'm convinced Steel would've survived a fall from whatever height. The man's a giganigga.

Superman saves Steel's life and is like "make your life count, bro". Steel took that shit to heart, and later, when Superman was getting his ass-kicked by Doomsday, Steel was gonna risk his neck to save him with only his bare hands. An explosion to the face is the only thing that stopped him.

Most people after running down a speeding car, getting hit by that car, and then dragged against a building for several feet would have broken bones and numerous internal injuries. Not fucking Steel. Nigga's already back on the streets, looking to purge his neighborhood of gun violence.

Purge it by become a fucking Iron Man.

Those greasy Sharks come by Steel's place to fuck him up, but they don't know fire has no effect on him now. He's gone from "kinda invincible" to "completely invincible", and he's going to use that invincibility to protect his neighborhood.

Lois Lane meets up with an old boyfriend who I could care less about, and Luthor finds out there are now four fucking Supermen now. Look at his face. Luthor is fucking shitting his pants.

By "purge the streets of gun violence", I meant it. Steel tracks down the low-level gun dealers and fucking scares the blackness right out of them.

Beware gun runners! Steel's going to drive his hammer right up your ass!

The guns not only blow people in half/ reduce them to a skeleton, but are literally called "Toastmasters". That's not a street name, but the actual name for the guns themselves. Guns packing so much dakka that even the US military passed on them. Guns that Steel designed.

Just as this shit got real, some nice spandex covered booty gets a bead on Steel. A booty that knows all about him. Shit just got personal.

The "White Rabbit" decides to plug the leak than take out Steel. Steel's got value, both to her and to Luthor. Can Steel be bought? Or is he a real deal steel nigga?

As you take in Pa Kent's shock that his son is now a nigger, stay tuned for the next exciting issue of this event where this event crosses over with another event, and it's probably as stupid as it sounds.

Hold up. From the way she's drawn, White Rabbit looks like she's supposed to be black. Is this the colourist fucking up, or is she supposed to be an albino?

She's albino. The pink eyes give it away.

I can hear the 90's fanboys screeching that they race swapped the Man of Steel through the time barrier.

I thought John was inspired by Supes…

The seeds are there. If click-bait was around in the 90's, there would be mountains of articles saying Superman is now Black.

YO DAWG! WE PUT AN EVENT IN YOUR EVENT SO YOU CAN EVENT WHILE YOU EVENT!

SUPERMAN: THE MAN OF STEEL ANNUAL #2 features Steel, and BLOODLINES. Oh boy Bloodlines, a plot about aliens who suck out people's spinal fluid and some of those people get super-powers. It's a whole event to inject some EXTREME into the DC Universe by introducing a bunch of superheroes that were mostly rip-offs of better superheroes. Nearly all of them were unsuccessful and quickly forgotten.

Enough about that, we've got a comic to read! We've got a fucking bone ship crashing in the woods full of phallic, horse-skull looking aliens! Careful looking at them, because they're edgier than the sharpest obsidian!

I guess they eat a bunch of bikers. I don't know, it's really not clear. Then they decide that big monster looking aliens are kinda conspicuous, so they take on human form. Except for the one that decided he needed a flaming head. He needed to stand out like a fag.

The red bitchy alien says "fuck you guys", hops on a bike and heads to Metropolis. There we're introduced to mother fucking STEEL lifting weights with some pansy ass who's probably going to get eaten by the edgomorphs. STEEL, however, is no pansy. He protects kids in the streets and tells them to stay in school.

So the edge lord gets to work solving Metropolis's homeless problem by sucking out bum's spinal fluids. As the slurping is going on, Steel's dingbat neighbor gives pansy-ass boy's mom a bad tarot card reading. It's a bunch of bullshit so STEEL can go out and bust some alien nigga's heads.

Let this be a lesson. Bitches always cause trouble. Pansy tries to help a bitch and she turns out to be a giant red skull alien that sucks out his spinal fluid. Anons better steer clear of bitches and keep all of their precious fluids.

However STEEL, being the awesome nigger he is, already senses trouble without the need for fortune telling nonsense. Being a real nigger from the streets, he is naturally attuned to the subtle changes in his hood' and knows something is up.

I turns out, our pansy friend isn't dead! A strange reaction occurred when the alien came into contact with him! He's been given super-powers!

He becomes A GUY COVERED WITH KNIVES. HIS SUPERPOWER IS KNIVES. Shit don't get more nineties than that.

STEEL shows up and wonders what all those monster niggas are doing with that pile of dead bodies. Meanwhile, Pansy ass knife guy's mom is worried, he hasn't come home yet. His little brother sneaks out to bring him home!

Back in the sewer, STEEL finds out that even with his nigger strength, the alien horse head edge lord is just too OP!

The only way he'd be more 90s is if he had a leather jacket and one pierced ear.

Big Red runs away, leaving STEEL no other option than chasing down Stabby McCantremembershit. STEEL tackles him to the pavement and it turns out Stabby's knives are so sharp, they can cut fucking metal. And he has a bunch of them, just growing out of his body.

Meanwhile, Big Red's got a thing for red headed children like Stabby's brother. What I mean is, Stabby's brother is going to be skull monster chow.

Super sharp, bladed cat penis.

STEEL works hard for his friends. He gets Stabby to calm down and then makes him call his mom to tell her he's alright.

Stabby might not remember his mom, or anything else from his life, but STEEL isn't going to let that poor old lady worry herself to death.

Holy fuck.

STEEL hears Stabby's little brother cry out. Aw shit, not that little nigga too. He's gonna get eaten by Big Red! Get all his spinal fluids drained out of him like a Capri-Sun pouch!

Well not if STEEL and Stabby have anything to say about it!

STEEL puts all of his nigger fury into every pound of his hammer, and Stabby? Well Stabby just throws those knives. Throws those knives, and somehow doesn't closeline his little forgotten brother in half with his razor arms.

However, try as they might, BIG RED IS JUST TOO OP!

Only by Steel and Stabby combining their powers are they finally able to drive back Big Red into the scummy shadows where she belongs!

After sharing the carefullest of hugs, Stabby's little brother says that Stabby can become a hero! You know, Stabby, the guy with incredibly sharp knives covering his entire body. Being a hero and saving people. With his knife body. HO HO HO HO. An amused STEEL puts his arms around his boys and says "let's go home!"

Big Red licks her wounds in an alley, but fuck her. We're done with her. Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where we meet a very boring cyborg, and somebody comes back from the dead.

Thanks man.

Beep Boop, time for boring cyborgs.

So far we've had Shades Superman, motherfucking STEEL, and now it's time to endure Cyborg Superman. You'd be surprised how they take a rocking idea like a cyborg Superman and make it so bland and redundant.

Let's get this shit started. SUPERMAN #78 opens with rain and high-school level metaphor. Lois is still very sad about Superman being dead, but now I'm starting to question how much time has passed in the comic between Superman's death and now. It feels like all this shit happened in the span of a week.

A shadowy picture is all Lois needs to believe that Superman is alive. Fuck the other Supermen, this must be the real deal.

However, Superman isn't back to love Lois. She isn't the one he wants. The one he wants is Doomsday.

And he'll go to the ends of the earth to find him.

He learns that Cadmus is holding his beloved killer and blows right past Cadmus defenses. Defenses like the pew pew laser guys who's lasers are fucking worthless.

Holy shit, a CD-ROM game on a cartridge! The future is NOW!

Superman demands they give him his sweet grey boy, but he is Superman no longer!

He is now CYBORG SUPERMAN, he's boring as shit!

Watch how he uses his cyborg powers to open a vault when Superman could just use his super-strength to pull the door off it's hinges! Cyborg Superman doesn't even come close to the amazement needed to be a cybernetic Superman.

Cyborg Superman takes his big grey man meat to space, commenting how Green Lantern could've atomized Doomsday, or Martian Manhunter could've pounded him to dust. DC has already forgotten that neither hero was there when Superman was being beaten to death. I also think Martian Manhunter was locked into the form of a nigger.

Also, Cyborg Superman said he was going to destroy Doomsday's body, but apparently he's merely content to tie him to an asteroid and throw it into space.

Seriously, he could've just thrown Doomsday into the sun and saved himself all that effort. Really, he said he was going to destroy him, and it's hard to survive falling into a mass of gasses undergoing nuclear fusion.

Cyborg Superman gets back to talk to Lois. He apparently has Super-Amnesia caused by half of his brain being fused with a toaster. Super Shades also has Super-Amnesia, so already Cyborg Superman is getting superfluous. So Lois hauls his ass to Doctor Hamilton's lab to get testing to see if he's Superman or not.

Note, Lois hasn't done this for either Super Shades or STEEL.

THE TEST RESULTS ARE IN! CYBORG SUPERMAN IS THE REAL DEAL! CALL THE JUSTICE LEAGUE AND TELL CYBORG HE'S FIRED!

Oh, and Doomsday's alive. Because of course he fucking is.

Stay tuned for the next exciting issue of REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN where we get to know the Cadmus clone fuck-boy who makes a real big show of how straight he is.

Oh, and here's your Cyborg Superman poster.

Can't wait to hear about Cyborg Superman's super fast dial-up internet connection.

Thank you so much for storytiming these. It's a lot of fun to re-read them.
Steel is best replacement Supes

Whenever Cyborg Superman talks, I'm imagining his robot jaw jabbering like Skeletor's.

And now you are too.

And this is why I like Shades Superman. Cool design, unique powers..a nice story opportunity with "What if Superman lost his connection to his humanity but still a hero" without going to the old jackbooted Regime Superman that modern takes like to go with.

Superboy is a close second. With John Bryne rebooted Superman with him never being Superboy, I am interested to see how a Teenaged Superman would do..and really, poon hound Superboy is best Superboy..not the broken emo boy we got from Young Justice and Nu-52.

Thanks user.

Oh boy, it's time for Superboy THE METROPOLIS KID, which is a name that sounds like it would be whispered at gay bars. The Metropolis Kid is also the most baffling, name wise, of the Supermen. The other Supermen are based on various titles for Superman. Shades Superman is "The Last Son of Krypton", Cyborg Superman is "The Man of Tomorrow", and STEEL is "The Man of Steel". Where "The Metropolis Kid", or hell, "Superboy" fit into this is beyond me.

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #501 starts with just crime everywhere. People stealing cars, destroying property, engaging in attempted murder, all in broad daylight. I often think that Gotham has a pretty shit police force, but apparently Metropolis's police force straight up doesn't exist.

So Superboy's introduction is grabbing ass, stealing some guys "nineties as all fuck" sunglasses, and forcing a kiss on a woman. It doesn't feel very "teenager" to me. Not enough "fuck you dad" and "nobody fucking understands me GOD!"

Meanwhile, with the dock dwelling poor, an old lady threw a sack of puppies off a pier because she didn't know Bibbo was bringing food. We were just having too good a time with a bunch of Supermen running around, and we forgot that this is a fucking nineties comic.

Do you know what I want out of my Superman comics? Dead puppies. Fuck this comic.

After being reminded that life fucking sucks, Superboy makes himself at home in the Daily Planet's offices and then has the fucking GALL to assault our eternal pal Jimmy Olsen. Fuck this comic even harder.

Whoa, not cool Superboy. You can just kidnap women and strand them on the tops of buildings simply because you think they're hot. Women gotta be woo'd. I swear, this kid is just one boner away from going to Super-Jail.

Lucky for him, the woman turns out to be a reporter for a news station that's competing with the Daily Planet. They need Superboy as an exclusive! And this pisses Lex Luthor off so much he busts his television with his beatin' stick.

So the station sets up Superboy to bust Steel Hand! You know, Steel Hand, the villain from Mister Miracle #1 (1971)? Boy, DC was really using every part of Jack Kirby's corpse.

BOOM! Lots of booby traps! Looks like Superboy is a bit over-his-head, and not as invulnerable as he wants people to think he is.

Holy shit, take a look at those comic prices for a moment. Uncanny X-Men #248 sold at $25 an issue! Harbringer sold at $75. Comics in the early nineties was a fucking nightmare!

Steel Hand wrecks Superboy's jacket, so Superboy wrecks his ass! Superboy's whole presence causes Lois to call Ma Kent to talk about what a shit-ass punk kid he is. However, I feel the writer doesn't have a good grasp of how Superman was as a kid back in the Silver Age. Silver Age Superboy almost killed a guy because he thought he was faking.

Later, it turns out that Superboy didn't actually handle it alone. He had unseen help from his dad THE GUARDIAN! It turns out Superboy isn't grounded and doesn't have to come home right away! However, now that I think about it, where does Superboy sleep anyway?

As evil corporate businessmen do evil corporate businessmen things, Luthor is fucking pissed that Cadmus cloned Superman. Like probably going to murder a guy pissed.

Sorry Lex. Maybe you should've thought of it sooner.

As you enjoy your Superboy poster, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Super Shades meets Guy Gardner, and the experience fills Super Shades with revulsion.

And this is where I don't buy that Superboy's DNA came from both Superman AND Luthor. Luthor didn't even know about Cadmus cloning Superman until this issue.

Oh shit Chaos is invading

That's because it's the purest of fanfiction.

Nice plot convenience not just throwing Doomsday into the fucking sun.

I enjoy that Superboy poster very much, thank you.

>>>/cuteboys/

Take another look at the poster, champ.

Did you guys miss Guy Gardner cause' I didn't. He was a massive ass all during The Death of Superman and Funeral for a Friend, but apparently DC really wanted to push the shit out of him.

Action Comics #688 opens with him reading stolen magazines and bitching about uppity broads who get made when you steal their magazines. Of course, to get to that you have to wade through the fucking sea of pointless thought bubbles that Stern always dumps in his comics. JUST LET THE FUCKING ARTISTS DO THEIR WORK, STERN. I DON'T NEED TO READ HOW THE STAND OWNER IS PISSED WHEN I CAN FUCKING SEE IT.

Super Shades busts a safe-cracking and fucking BUSTS ALL THE BONES IN THAT CROOK'S HANDS! Super Shades is hard on crime, ALL crime! May his suffering serve as a lesson to all those who seek to break the law!

I should start a Roger Stern drinking game. Take a shot whenever there's a thought bubble from some character that's irrelevant to the story. The nurse should put us at four shots so far.

Lois meets Cat Grant after interviewing Fingers Frank and starts thinking about hiring Batman to find out if any of those super-fuckers are actually Superman. While talking, they catch a bit of a TV program featuring dick-weed Superboy and Cat Grant gets a thought bubble. Take a shot.

Not only can you get Werid Wrestlers for only $7.50 (+$2.50) shipping, but they're fucking collecting Sword of Azeral, which is a fucking crazy fun comic with dwaves and fat naked demon worshipers. You guys should check it out when you get the chance.

Super Shades gets home from a long day of bringing justice to evil-doers, turns on the TV, and is just about to settle down when he finds out THERE ARE A BUNCH OF JERKS CLAIMING TO BE SUPERMAN! He will find out everything about these fakers and if there's villainy afoot, he will end it!

Meanwhile, Maggie Sawyer gets a promotion, and they drop in the fact she's a lesbian. The whole scene just reminds me that the early nineties was the golden age for police procedural shows.

Back to actual superhero comics, Super Shades is drawn to a fire, but it turns out it was Guy Gardner all along! He apparently wants to kick Super Shades ass … for some reason.

Well, turns out Guy was an idiot, as always. No one messes with SHADES SUPERMAN without getting pounded into oblivion. He even punches Guy so hard that he lands at a place Super Shades wanted to investigate just so that Super Shades can punch more guys.

By the way, I consider nearly all of Guy's pointless thought bubbles to qualify for the Roger Stern drinking game, so we're at twelve shots now.

As Super Shades beats the shit out gang-bangers who DARE use guns in his city, Guy realizes something about himself. The way Shades throws his punches, how his big, powerful muscles tense before the blow. Guy finally embraces that he's gay.

Gay for Super Shades.

As Metropolis questions his actions, Super Shades watches Guy Gardner gush all over his man-crush on television. That alone gives Super Shades a desire to change the way he's going about things.

As you consider buying an Atari Lynx, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where the Superboy tries to keep the STEEL nigga down.

Shame what they did to Guy. Dude's backstory was that he doesn't want to go down like his dad did, an abusive asshole so Guy went down the more compassionate route…until Englehart changed him to the Guy we know today.

Aw yeah, it's time for mother fuckin' STEEL.

In SUPERMAN: THE MAN OF STEEL #23 fuckin' gang-bangers are filming a video with a big-ass expensive camera to document how they're going to hunt down and kill STEEL.

Little do they realize that it's STEEL who's hunting them.

A bunch of shinanagins about Luthor getting the tape before the police for his news program and the White Rabbit wanting STEEL's metal hard dick in her.

Oh, and Jimmy hates that mommy Lois is seeing other people because Superman is dead.

You can't trick me DC.

Jimmy no.

Superboy shows up to bust some gang-bangers in the hood and promptly gets a helicopter pilot killed. Thankfully, the real nigga STEEL is around to save the day. Since all the other Supermen go around saying they're Superman, Lois asks him what makes STEEL think he's Superman, to which STEEL replies "Bitch, I didn't say shit about being Superman". STEEL grabs that dick-weed Superboy to lay down some harsh truths, and Superboy goes all "fuck you STEEL you're not my real dad!"

One of Luthor's goons shows up offering STEEL a meeting with the crimson crowned one who tells him where the White Rabbit is. I can't help seeing an "ew, stop touching me" look on STEEL's face when Luthor tries to be friendly.

Aw shit. Turns out the White Rabbit was some bitch STEEL used to lay back in the day named Angora, which is both a type of wool and breed of rabbit. She helped him developed the big fucking guns that are now on the streets of Metropolis, and she's still fucking hungry for STEEL's steel, if you catch my meaning.

But you gotta put the hood before the hoes. STEEL shuts her down and gets blasted through a window through a window for his trouble. Bitch be crazy.

Superboy's in the area and he proves himself a true bro as he tries to save STEEL from a burning fire. However, in the process, Superboy gets blisters. He might not be as invincible as he says. Either way, STEEL and Superboy might be forming a friendship, like Green Arrow and Speedy, or Green Lantern and Pieface. Meanwhile, now that Luthor's learned STEEL's true identity, he thinks he's gonna blackmail him. We'll see how well that turns out.

Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where we get WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS and Bill Clinton.

This shit right here is why my man Steel is the true blue nigga. He got no time for bitches, he don't need bitches, he puts bitches in their place.

Thanks user.

Cant wait.

I'm going to be honest with you guys: I didn't even begin to read SUPERMAN #79. The moment I saw that it was captions over full page spreads, especially spreads all about Boringborg Superman, I said "fuck, I ain't reading this". I won't be subject to 30 pages of a writer masturbating.

So we're going to discover this thing together. All I know is that it features Cyborg Superman and Bill Clinton.

From what I've read so far, I hate it. The whole "CLARK KENT WAS THE GREATEST REPORTER EVER" doesn't sit well with me. Clark wasn't a reporter to get scoops. He was a reporter so he'd be the first to hear about danger. I'd always imagined him as a feature reporter. The guy that gets the stories about water-sking squirrels. Not a hard hitting journalist.

You might ask "well, why would Superman write about water-sking Squirrels?" My answer would be "Because he likes people".

Why doesn't Maxwell Lord background check his limo-drivers? Does he just get into the car with anyone who happens to pull-up?

Maxwell Lord just gave an assassin a free pass into the White House.

By the way, you just know that foreign currency thing was a total scam.

Why are they still doing this shit where they have to confirm that Cyborg Superman is the real Superman? Is that going to be every fucking issue of Cyborg Superman? "IS CYBORG SUPERMAN REALLY SUPERMAN?"

Oh look it's confirmed that Cyborg Superman is Superman. Not like they did that in the previous issue of Superman or anything.

Because he's "Superman", the White House just lets him plug into their computers and start downloading. He's really got to get that secret information about Easter Island.

Bill Clinton gets Cyborg Superman's super-weird communication device. I know if I had that thing I'd try to keep it as far from me as I could. I know Bill Clinton would too. Clinton was all about the alien shit and would be at least savvy enough not to trust some silvery doohickey that came out of a weird manbot's arm.

Look at the DC Bullets. Dan Jurgens had a baby boy around this time, and DC is already pointing out that Jurgens has much to answer for. Dan Jurgens son will hold him accountable for the horrible future he created when he killed Superman off as a sales gimmick.

The story's over and the Daily Planet officially endorse Cyborg Superman as the "real" Superman. It took them two issues to do it, and backing Cyborg Superman feels like they're backing a fourth party candidate for president.

As you peruse the letters pages which finally talk all about Superman #75 (you remember, the issue where Superman died), stay tuned for the next exciting issue. It's another BLOODLINES cross-over!

I wonder if Jurgens thought he was pulling a great con here. Like he believed he was fooling people into thinking Supernator was seriously Superman, even though we know absolutely nothing about him outside of second hand reports.

Boredom Bot is dead last on my list of potential Supermen. He has no origin and no real character, which makes him highly suspect in my book.

Fuck yeah, Sword of Azrael rocked! You should storytime that some time, OP.

Yeah, I thought Lois was supposed to be the greatest reporter at the Planet. Wouldn't Clark want to keep a low profile?

I love Ron Troupe's "JAM" t-shirt and the way he tucks his MC Hammer pants into his sneakers.

I wonder if they did this because Clinton was called a "technocrat"? Also, you don't get a job as a lead reporter by turning in an opinion piece.
Lobo: the Movie when?

Personally, I'd think that Shades Superman is the closest to the real Supes.

Thanks user

Sure

Both Super Shades and Steelman are closer to the real Supes than anything we've gotten from Doozy Bot. Even Supertwink is a more serious contender than that bucket of bolts.

This is why I wonder if Jurgens thought he was being clever with Cyborg Superman, because I can't believe 90's readers didn't see the twist coming from a mile away.

I think Jurgens was trying the ol "No way that dude is Superman…no wait, guess he could be Superman….oh I was right all along, he is evil" Then again, how can anyone look at Terminator Superman and not look bloody terrified or think that he's evil?

That's actually my major complaint about Supernator. He makes no attempt to hide his horrible features, even with something mundane like scrap of cloth. The real Superman, no matter how confused and amnesiac he was, would acknowledge that his appearance is frightening and attempt to disguise it. Hell, even an evil Supes would do this.

Things like that ruins Superborg for me. The other Supermen have intriguing hints to suggest they are actually Superman in some form, but Cyborg Supes doesn't even try to do that.

Heck, pretty sure Supes would've covered the cybernetic bits with synthetic skin or something…unless they plan a reveal that Cyborg is really a battle damaged Superman Robot or something.

Jon Bogdanove was an amazing artist. What became of him?

He apparently has a son he named Kal-El Bogdanove. And based on his Twitter, he's a total faggot.

Bloodlines, runnin' through my mind, and all the while I think of you.

It's SUPERMAN ANNUAL #5 and it's a fucking BLOODLINES cross-over. So we get to see our favorite skull-faced edge-lord aliens suck the spinal fluid out of people again. However, this time it's tempered by fucking Cyborg Superman being boring.

I think this issue is a turning point, or at least the artist thinks it's one. Cyborg Superman has some sinister looking art in this one. Either way, this book starts off with garbage murder.

All Cyborg Superman wants is to be accepted and loved. He might be half metal, but words still hurt.

So they find a big bunch of bodies that have Bloodlines alien bites on them, and the chief wants the whole scene the "most analyzed crime scene ever".

Later, the Bloodlines aliens show up a fucking trash dump. Why are they there? Maybe I was wrong about them being edge-lords. Maybe they're just cosmic raccoons.

Yep, they're space raccoons. Look, they're even eating garbage.

This is why we need to stop pollution people. A dirty planet means getting our spinal fluid sucked out by cosmic trash pandas.

Uh-oh, somebody got superpowers from a space raccoon bite. And that somebody apparently got murdered by Luthor for making girls laugh at him.

Oh, and it's not clever murder. It's fucking Luthor strangling her murder. A type of murder that has clear means, motive, and opportunity. Something even your most average gumshoe could probably solve in an afternoon. So much for post-crisis Luthor being a genius.

Looks like Garbage Gal got a power worse than Stabby McCantremembershit. Not only can she not remember who the fuck she is, she basically absorbs people's personalities to the point that she thinks she's them. So get ready for some crazy shit, and by crazy I mean she's insane and needs help.

Meanwhile, Cyborg Superman is hurt by the police chief choosing to work with Luthor and not him. So hurt that he decides to break into LexCorp tower and illegally download sensitive data pertaining to an ongoing investigation. At this point, the any pretense that Cyborg Superman is actually Superman can just be flushed down the toilet.

Oop, now Cyborg Supes is obstructing justice. I wonder if Jurgens is just going to drop this shit come the next issue.

Cyborg Superman, after obstructing justice so he could get to the crime scene first, figures out that it was the work of ayyyliens. Did STEEL just not talk to anybody about that big red monster he beat up? Did none of the police officers involved file a report about it?

In the city, Garbage Gal becomes a gang-banger.

Luthor is a monumental idiot. For being portrayed as a cool customer, all it takes for him to lose it is Cyborg Superman flying into his office. I really fucking miss when Lex Luthor was seriously intent on killing Superman.

Seriously, a fucking idiot. Look how fast he tries to blast Garbage Gal with his building lasers. It's like he wants people to know that he murdered her.

Also, Cyborg Superman and the police are stupid. Yeah, just let Luthor use his brain machine on her. Yeah, just leave her there to tend to an obvious distraction. Fucking retards the lot of them.

I gotta ask: Is that purple spandex cat-suit the LexCorp equivalent of a hospital gown?

By the way, it's awfully nice of Cyborg Superman and the chief to give Luthor plenty of time to kill Garbage Gal in an overly complicated and easily escapable way.

Big helicopter explosion, the world thinks she's dead, and has a new superhero name. Get ready for MYRIAD. Not really though. This was her first and last appearance.

No letters pages this time, but stay tuned for the next issue where Superboy meets Super-Slime.

This was an issue I missed back then.
I kinda wish I had missed it now, too.

...

These ayy lmaos are shamefull

To be fair to Venev, her AYY form has eight arms. As mentioned here , the AYYs transformation powers are fucked up, so she got the shit stick.

That doesn't excuse Gemir's fire hair though.

No, they're eating people. The overall plot is that they want to birth a giant AYY LMAO and they need human juice to do it.

I've got to storytime the full arc one of these days. It's really…something.

...

Is he dead yet, op?

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #502! One more before I break for Christmas!

Super-punkass-boy is still an arrogant cunt, but in this issue, Super-Slime gives him a major boner. Oh to be young and any amount of boobage turning you on. Maybe one-day Superboy will get some taste.

Oh look, a knock-off Deadshot.

Apparently Luthor wants to get Superboy to sign an exclusive contract to his television station, and is using Super-Slime to seduce him into it.

Remember when Luthor wanted to rule the world and kill Superman? Yeah, me too.

Apparently network exclusives are important enough to kill for.

Boy, Superboy really sucks if he's getting his ass kicked by a Deadshot clone. Actually, Stinger is worse than that. He's like one of those random Spider-Man villains that appears for an issue to complicate things while Aunt May has a stroke or something.

Superboy gets a sucker punch in before the entire bridge explodes. Again, television is ''serious business".

That Barqs ad is nineties as fuck.

Aliens are coming, and according to my reading list, this is the end of REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN.

Stay tuned for the next exciting issue, the beginning of
THE RETURN OF SUPERMAN!

Flashback! That game was great.

Man, Tom Grummett's art was fantastic. Thanks again for storytiming these issues, OP. I'm having a blast reading them.

Yay..Superman in his black suit.

bump

For what reason?

Because we meed see this super book.

user, I know your new and all but a thread can stay dormant in hibernation for months. You're just painting a massive target on your head.

Then be patience, ya child.

Thank you user.

He's from Exile, a story arc that has the first post-crisis appearance of Mongul and the first appearance of the Eradicator, which would eventually become shades superman.

Ignorant idiots talking out of their ass say that the Death and Return was simply a cheap ploy for an increase in sales by bringing in new readers, but it really wasn't. It was a product of its era, and a faithful continuation of many post crisis Superman story arcs.

Now we need someone to storytime it.

I made a few similar posts in the first thread OP started the whole Death & Return storytime. It's much better read if you start from Man of Steel and work your way forwards. Even if you just touch on the big stuff like Exile, Panic in the Sky, Time & Time Again and maybe a couple of issues here and there like Lois & Clark's engagement, Luthor's "death", Matrix supergirl's origin, the Eradicator creating Superman's fortress etc.without reading every single issue, you'll get a much more complete picture and enjoyable experience.

Reading the Death & return as a standalone big arc is fucking dumb. It wasn't written that way. Hank Henshaw, Mongul & Eradicator are returning characters with their origins and motivations explained best in other stories. Same goes for the Linear Men, Matrix, Luthor, Maxima, the guys at Cadmus etc. If these threads are your only experience of early post-crisis supes, you've been robbed of a much more satisfying experience.

>you need to read every single issue of Superman from 1986 to 1993 to really appreciate the Death of Superman

You are saying that we needed to read 76 issues of Superman, 42 issues of Action Comics (I'm being generous by not counting the issues before Action Comics #643), 74 issues of The Adventures of Superman, 19 issues of Man of Steel, for a grand total of 211 issues of Superman for us to fully appreciate The Death of Superman. Combined with the actual event, that brings the total amount of comics needed for The Death of Superman is 242 issues. That number, unfortunately, does not include all of the annuals for Superman, Action Comics, The Adventures of Superman, Man of Steel, or the various issues of Green Lantern needed to get his part of the story.

I think you've made the event even worse. For Death of Superman to be arguably good, you'd have to read seven years worth of comics across at least four titles.

I specifically said
you're fucking retarded
You don't even need to read all of the death & return stuff, certainly not anything from Bloodlines. Just the issues collected in the original trades are more than sufficient.

You have severe mental deficiencies.