thezoequinn.tumblr.com
I’m going to tell you something I’ve been afraid to say for basically ever. And it’s gonna be messy, and it’s gonna go to some dark places (including eating disorders so pls be advised) because I’m barfing my heart out onto the page and hoping I can do it fast enough that I won’t reconsider, or hold back. I can’t say all this without first pausing to say this is only my story, and it’s a privilege that I am able to share it. I want to gently remind people that I’m only trying to speak for me and my own experiences, and in no way does that change or speak to others’ realities. I’m coming out (holy shit typing that made me anxious), so this is just my story.
My entire life I’ve not been a girl or a woman.
I don’t know what I am yet, but I know what I’m not.
I’m not straight. I’m not cis, and I don’t think I can keep pretending to be cis just to get by. I’m not a man. I’m not a woman. I don’t want to be a man. I don’t want to be a woman. I don’t ever want to have the pronouns conversation because I feel equally apathetic to being called “he” or “she” so I guess if you just want to be accurate go for “they” but I won’t be offended by any. I’m not a crossdresser. I do have gender dysphoria. I don’t have an ideal self in mind. I don’t know if I want hormones or surgery, but I don’t think so because I don’t think that they’d help me move forward, since it still seems like you have two options there. I’m not well versed in what comes next, and I’m not immune to fucking up, but I’m not going to shrug off that responsibility and will do everything I can to do this the right way and make up for it when I failed at that. I’m not ever willing to speak for anyone else’s experiences or lives, unless they’ve specifically asked me to.
I would, however, like to start working toward capturing a fraction of the magic of David Bowie or Prince or any of the number of the queer genderfucking icons we lost last year. There are some extremely stylish shoes that need filling.
Anyway, I’m not gonna be mad if someone doesn’t know, or if people have a hard time with this. I don’t really know what comes next. I mean, I’m sure the assholes of the internet will do the thing they always do, but that’s no different from any day that ends in y for me - I mean, after people have so recently combed my grandfather’s obituary looking for dirt on me or my family, how do you go down from there? Anyway. I feel some weird mix of fear and relief at the same time, even just writing all this down. All I can hope for is that the people I’m close to will be honest with me, won’t be afraid to ask questions, will respect me if I can’t answer right then, and still see me as “me”. I’m hoping I can talk to other people who feel similarly, especially people who feel similarly and feel as alone as I do. I’m hoping people can show some mercy if they take issue with me talking about this stuff, because I’m new to it and willing to learn but I fully accept I don’t know enough yet. I’m hoping people actually listen and don’t write me off as “crazy” or any of the other meanspirited ignorant stuff people say about anyone who isn’t in line with traditional gender roles corresponding to what they were assigned at birth, but if they do, I hope it’s nobody that important to me. I’m hoping I can summon the courage to post this. I’m hoping that the only response I get from people is just “okay cool”.
All I really want is to not have to pretend anymore, for people to understand, and to see me as me. Not a man, not a woman, just me.
