"Alright, user. I'm going to ask you a series of questions and I want you to answer as simply as you can"

...

I start analing the male.

Enhance.

I track down and murder OP for writing fap stories that are disgusting, gay, and shit tier.

My parents divorced 22 years ago

You actually fapped to it?

Are you 22 years old? Are you why they divorced? You popped out, they looked at eachother and agreed "We need to fucking end this. Now."?

No, nigger

I'm 27. No.

So it took them 5 years to realise that you'd driven them to divorce and destroy your family?

You must have been a pretty shitty 5 year old.

...

holy shit you drove your parents to a divorce at 5? wow, i've never even heard of such garbage 5 year old

Ты пидор.

rashka pidorashka idi na hui yobanniy churka

Ты че хохол?

kak tam krokodil, rashka?

Не знаю, я не упарываюсь. Я же не какел.

I'd be grossed the fuck out, not by the cum i have eaten loads of my own cum before.

...

I'm not gay, i'm bi.

Run to the bathroom, jack off like there's no tomorrow, and avoid them long enough for the awkwardness to pass.

What's a dog?

...

That fuzzy dildo your mom has that makes a high-pitched staccato noise when she turns the vibrator on?

That's a dog.

Catcha: Oh fuck, dawg (not quite, but almost)

he's got a point, you know.

Which parent did you go with? Did you read them books on divorce recovery? … Could you read, by then?

My parents divorced about that time too, user. Have a beer; image enclosed…

Let me tell you about my mother's fuzzy dildo.

What's in the load?

You know what splooge is, Leon? Same thing.

I never seen splooge, but I understand what you mean.