If operating systems were human, what one would you kiss, what one would you have kinky sex with just once...

If operating systems were human, what one would you kiss, what one would you have kinky sex with just once, and what what one would you marry for life with no chance of divorce/cheating on?

Kiss: Windows XP
Fuck: Gentoo
Marry: Debian from a universe without systemDicks. If that's not an option then Devuan. Devuan is still a little rough around the edges, though.

CIA herpes
Good choice
You mean devuan then.

Kiss:Trisquel (without systemd (otherwise it's a tranny))
Fuck: Linux from scratch (create the perfect sex doll)
Marry:Emacs (Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure)

Could do the same thing with languages:
Kiss: C
Fuck: Assembly
Marry: Scheme (Cuckquean with Guile)

Kiss: Windows XP
Always loved her, but I knew it would never work out between us.

Sex: OSX Snow Leopard
Absolutely sexy, how could you not?

Marry: Trisquel
Sexy, inside and out. A complete virgin, never had any non-free blobs in her. Sure there's some struggle to make things work, but we can work through it together and it's worth it.

Kiss: Assembly
You could never have a relationship with her, but she's beautiful.

Sex: C
Sexy language, but long term it just won't work out, too needy for little pay off.

Marry: Python
She's a bit shy and slow and she might not be the most beautiful on the outside, but you understand her and she understands you.

Like I said, Devuan is a bit too young. I'm looking for a little more mature OS.

Here's languages

Kiss:MATlab
It was nice, and helped me out of some jams, but I grew up and moved to scientific python.
Fuck:EmacsLisp
Awesome little lanugage, but its really just for Emacs, and is limited because of it.
Marry: C
Aw babby you know no one could replace you.

he's the youngest member of the JUST league

I like that.

Distros
Kiss:LFS (she's nice and all but too long to get into motion)
Fuck:Gentoo (Has to go through some preliminaries but you have what you want and if you are careful she might even be let you be free)
Marry: Devuan (still a loli will marry her in the future)

Languages:
Kiss: C++
Fuck:C
Marry: Guile

Lets add kernels
Kiss: Linux (you're nice and all but these chains that you have are a bit too restrictive)
Fuck: Linux-libre (You like my ex but with extra freedom)
Marry: Hurd (Don't worry you'll be finished one day, your design will blossom)

Kiss Win98, fuck Qubes, marry Arch.

Distros
Kiss: Gentoo, for old times sake, would compile down the beach with.
Fuck: Debian; Kinky hatefuck sex, this relationship won't work out.
Marry: Freebsd, we dated a few times and she seemed nice, but its a leap of faith to be honest.

Languages
Kiss: Scheme, lets get to know her.
Fuck: Threesome with Matlab and Simulink
Marry: Ada, we get along really well.

Kernels
Kiss: My custom gentoo kernels with pre-emt, from the good old days.
Fuck: An exotic exokernel
Muen: Great potential and (formally) proven to be a perfect waifu.

Fuck : Open Suse

Kiss : Slackware

Marry : Xubuntu
Nice ez life.