I feel like an awful person

The way I grew up shaped me into this person who can't have any meaningful lasting relationships with anyone. (I'd like to say "couldn't" instead of "can't", but I don't know) I find it hard to make friends (that I can actually go out with) unless I tell them early on that it's hard for me to connect with others, which makes me wonder if they actually want to be my friend, or just don't want to hurt me.

My family doesn't acknowledge any of the things they do to each other as being bad or wrong except when it's against them, and growing up, apologizing for something was like a form of self-humiliation (to this day I have problems apologizing to others). So I hate my family and I haven't talked to any of them in months, and don't plan on seeing any of them in a long time.

One time I had a (forced) discussion with my brother, where he said that he knows me and knows my problems, and proceeded to trivialize them, which is hypocritical, considering it was right after he beat me up for saying something he didn't like. And it's also complete bullshit, considering he didn't go through our parents' divorce the way I did, because I was used by them to hurt each other, since I was young and they threatened each other of taking away custody of me and our youngest brother.

Emotional problems had a physical and mental effect on me, from hearing my mother yelling my name in my head as if it was real (when she's no even in the same city as me), to having this annoying feeling above my eye, to having breathing problems when something really bad happens. And they always, ALWAYS, have an effect on my grades.

cont.

But despite all this, I was able to overcome these problems for a while, and for a while I was so happy, that one time I got a text from a woman in my contacts whom I forgot was actually my stepmother. For a while I forgot all about them; I made an inspiring friend whom I've learned much from, and made me feel like I was special to him (I knew I wasn't, but it felt great anyways).

You might remember me from previous threads as "Stalker user", and that friend as C. No, the stalking isn't what I'm referring to in the title of this thread. In the times I was happy with him, I stopped stalking altogether.

A few months ago I came out to him as bi and confessed that I loved him, to which his response was threatening me and outing me to two friends of his. The kicker? He's bi as well. Total fucking hypocrite.

I tried fixing things, and one time I broke down in front of him, explaining the above more or less (bar stalking) and pleading him not to cut me off because he's the only friend that I've felt I made in a normal way like a normal person. And I asked him if he could help me be more normal and learn how to make friends.

His response? He says he understands my problems, and starts trivializing them. This kid, who everyone likes and wants to go out with, whose roommate is his high school best friend, who sucks off of mommy and daddy's money and half the shit he owns is from online stores from other continents, who has time to socialize, study, go out, read books, and watch shows while maintaining a high GPA around 3.7, who ousted me to others, comes and tells me he knows what it's like to be in my shoes, and then doesn't try to give any kind of advice to an ex-friend pleading him for help? It just rubbed me the wrong way.

So what is it that I'm doing that will make an awful person? I have photo evidence that he's bi. I have screenshotted conversations of him saying he sucked a hairy faggot's cock, and that he finds his academic department's male secretary to be attractive. I have access to his email, and can access his social media accounts if I ever felt like it. And what I'm going to do is post his pics as if I were him, and say he's coming out to everyone as bi, and I want him to feel what it's really like for no one to like you, and to feel what it's like to have a family you can't go to for help. I want him to feel how alone I've felt for so long.

But I'm not doing it now. Fuck no. I won't be seeing him for a long time, and in that time, I will be making a much better plan. I will move out of my room to live alone without a roommate, I will buy a spy camera to install in my own room, and then when he comes back, I will blackmail him with his pics, since the alternative to not doing what I tell him is punishment by law and disownment by everyone he knows. And I will tell him that if he tries to throw me under the bus again in any way, I will confess that he is actually my boyfriend and drag the both of us down, because I also have pics of us in positions too intimate for two guys from where we are. And people won't doubt it because of all the effeminate shit he showed everyone he's so fond of doing, and the nicknames he's been given. And then when he complies, I will take him to my room and get him to suck me off like he sucked that hairy faggot, and I'll have a recorded video of it, which is more concrete material to blackmail him with. He'll be my little bitch.

That's what he gets for being a hypocrite that ousts people like him and threatens them. You don't get to fucking cross me, boy whore.

So why am I making this thread?

Talk me out of it, or give me a better plan.
Maybe tell how shitty I am. Or tell me I'm justified.

I'm just keeping an open mind.

olright dude

Good blog

why should we care

It's entertaining to some. I've had a good recurring followers for a few years now. (decided to do it late 2014 and actually started early 2015)

It's like a show with seasons, they say. Finale is a year away.

tl ; dr

You know what's funny? After all he's done, I would still actually forgive him.

If he'd just see that I'm just a person with legitimate issues and tries to help me, I won't do any of this.

In my society, people don't look at you and say "oh, he has problems so he needs our help". No, they say "fuck that person" because they don't see them as normal in the way they like. No one came to help me, so I tried to reach out instead, multiple times to different people, and bad things happened each time.

I just want him to reach out to me on his own.

It seems to me like you're already the victim in your own mind and are searching to make your own victim.

I won't pretend to know you or even care about what you do or don't do, that's just what the entire post says to me.

Obvious copypasta. No one can type that fast.

Body was too long. Had to split it.

My mother was a victim of emotional and mental abuse from my father.
My brothers were victims from my parents.
I was a victim from my parents and brothers.
And my youngest brother was a victim solely from my mother and I. (but more recently from my oldest brother as well)

A victim becomes an abuser.
I take responsibility for the way I treated my youngest brother, and I feel I should apologize to him because I owe him that.

I tried to stop this anger and hate with me, cutting out my family and trying to live as happily as I could, and it worked for some time.

But it didn't last, and the way the world I live in works just isn't fair and I wanna just fucking take it out on everyone that's hurt me and make them feel what I felt, starting with the one I actually can take it out on without repercussions. And when I said "he'll be my little bitch", I didn't mean it sexually; I meant I want him to hurt from inside.

But at the same time I don't want to. I want someone to hold me (literally) and just say "hey, I'm here for you", and just help me put everyone else behind me.

Stopped reading there. Fuck off, moralfag

A correction for
I was a victim from my brothers and mother.
I barely got any from my father, because, according to my brothers, I was his favorite.
I was (and somewhat am) the quiet one that won't say "no" and object to anything. Just compliant.

It also ends with "You don't get to fucking cross me, boy whore".

It might be an interesting read for you.

I think I'm just gonna quiz Tatta Glass strength instead

...

I'm starting to see myself as an evil person.

I've done some pretty unforgivable things that no one knows except some anons here, and things that no one knows at all. (I keep of who I tell what to keep things under my control)

And I keep thinking to myself: What kind of life will I have, whether I go through with this or not?
Will I be able to live with myself? The mere thought of it is bringing back the annoying feeling around my eye.
Will it come back to haunt me?
Will I end up killed? Will it be me who kills me?

You could say this is some victim-complex in me speaking, but I feel like life wasn't meant for someone like me. I try to make my life better and bring some people around me, but I'm rejected because I don't know their stupid rules, and they don't give a single fuck whether I'm having difficulties or to what degree their rejection actually damages me. And reaching out only makes them want to push me away further.

Maybe they're bad people and I'm just not the right flavor of bad, or maybe they're good people but I'm bad, but either way, I don't feel I'll ever be accepted by anyone.

I agree with this user. I don't know anything about you, but everyone has shit to deal with and I know people who have probably had it rougher than you given what you posted here. Don't take this the wrong way, this isn't to say what you're dealing with isn't awful, just that you're never going to get anywhere if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself and trying to find new ways in which you are the victim.

Best way you can move forward is to start trying to improve one aspect of your life, whatever that may be. Maybe it's working out, maybe it's cleaning your room to borrow an idea from meme professor Jordan Peterson. Regardless of what you do, you should realize that part of growing up is finding a reason to get up in the morning that is entirely self-motivated. Also, learning how to leave shit behind in the past. If you continue to bend yourself out of shape over things that happened to you, you're only increasing the harm it's doing to you. Like picking at a scab which hasn't fully healed, you're exacerbating the harm it will cause to your life over time as you begin to define yourself by the bad parts of your life instead of the good parts.

I totally understand this and have tried it and it has worked.
I made friends, I went out more, I changed the way I dress and look, my grades went up, I forgot about my family troubles, I made more money. All was perfect for one semester.

The friends I made weren't seeing me as a friend; they disliked me because I was "too friendly" (closest thing I could think of in English), and basically trying to rush things.
It made me feel alone which made me push C into going out (as friends at the time) with me, but I pushed too hard and I lost him as well for a while.
My grades plummeted and reached an all-time low I never thought I could reach.
And my family kept dragging into more problems, especially after my father's death.
The only thing I had left of that change phase were the clothes and money. And I truly saw that money can't get you what you really need.

I left for the exchange program and things went better for me emotionally since I fixed things with C and we actually traveled together. But the next semester it was even worse and I reached another all-time low GPA.

The one thing I really need is for someone to give a shit about me. That good semester was just a delusion, and the reality is that I can't get people to like me no matter what, and even worse is that I can't get anyone to help me no matter how much I ask or plead.

I'm at college age, and if I can't fix this now, then it'll never be fixed. Social life here is different. People keep saying to me "oh, don't worry about what other people of you, you don't need them", but they can say that because they ALREADY have other closer people to them (e.g. family) they can fall back to if new people don't like them. I don't have that. Every person I drive away is another stab in my heart that makes me feel lonelier.

So I have two choices: Either I live this bleak future like it is and maybe I'll end up killing myself because of how depressing it is, or I do something radical that can make me feel good and powerful for a short time, finally taking out the rage on someone.

And I don't want either.

hav you tried medicateing?

You sound like a true bitch, a pussy, a wuss, a coward.

You sat that as a way to hurt me, but you don't realize how much that is true.
All my life being afraid of what could and couldn't happen because of the kind of family I had, which is what made me scared and compliant.

But even with my mouth shut and head nodding, they still wanted to drag me with them.

Fuck them.

Depends on what America achieves in their plans for world dominance. You keep it clean and tidy but after a while you get lazy and make a mess everywhere. Backups are good. Some people remember it only when HDD crashes. A man of European ancestry puts a paper on a car - it's floaty and I see myself as 16 in a hallway in love with a girl like Allison Reynolds. Teenage rebellion is a myth pushed on parents starting in the 50's, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy because it preaches that they should never have a strong hand in raising their children. A lot of kids are just doing this kind of thing because they simply don't know any better, not because they're rebelling against their parents. Raise your children with a proper set of morals for them to understand the world with and they won't have to flounder without guidance in their teenage years making a fool of themselves. I might go scouring for free furniture, fix it up and try and flip it on ebay. Dive in and bring back what you find. Reading in bed right before you are about to sleep is also good for remembering (10-20 minutes of reading), but only on Holla Forums? You must take out the funny bone without touching the sides. The male body is more than willing to sacrifice itself for the slighquiz chance of impregnating some female. It's like these faggots who simply won't understand the legal implications of 19th Amendment prohibition, and want to undermine it's disenfranchised constitionality! The fact the transgendered people that get sex changes exist should imply that bodies do imply gender. Yes, if you get up off your ass, eat more fibre and don't spend 30 minutes on the toilet to take a 30 second dump. I can improve anything about myself that it's changeable, but I cannot change those around me for those that I can't. To impregnate her with my seed, so that my genes will live on after I die - sort of like nature's way of reincarnation. Just don't get too emotional about it, neither don't get too excited or too furious. The logical thing to do would be to give back the medal. So, if you want to be to be truly fulfilled during the short time you exist in this universe, I would recommend you seek to know yourself and who you are, and resolve to undertake a personal journey to that end. And may you find enlightenment along the way.

I feel the same. But dont hurt people, I did that once and I still feel awful about it to this day. So instead of the crippling loniness, I also have this great regret that eats me up from inside

Have you considered moving to Mexico, user?

I'm sorry, but could you greentext that shit? If i am going to go through the pain of reading some redditors whiny sob story it should at least be in greentext.

It's plain English. You know how to read that, right?

edgy

Ouch. That burn. It's very hot.

How is that edgy? Hating someone is now edgy?

Kill yourself.

Can you tell me what it is that you did?

Look up RA4S. You might like him.

bum

I'll keep bumping this thread until I can have a real back-and-forth conversation with anyone.

I can't talk about this shit in real life.

bamb

how about killing yourself faggot or at least get over yourself you cunt did the idea that he's just not into you ever come across in your tiny faggot brain

Yeah. I would've been okay if it had been just that.

But has it occurred to him that throwing people like himself under the bus (which could mean death for me) is wrong?

Normal people just reject you and move on; they don't try to get you killed .

truly awful post.
pure cancer of the ass
op, you will never recover from all those nasty whatevers (i didn't read much, tbh)
just man up and get yourself some pills or a gun
but first, stop posting here at all. you're unbearable

The second post is why I'm awful, not (just?) the first.


I've been posting here for two nearly two years about this. People like it. I don't follow your opinion.

The spy camera is on its way. I ordered it before even making this thread.

It's the best ever spy camera.

-Has a motion-sensing mode so it only records when it detects motion
-Records in 1080p
-Has a 32 GB memory, so it can record up to 5 hours, and it can roll over and erase previous footage
-IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING CHARGER
-No, wait, IT IS A FUCKING CHARGER. Literally works as a charger. Anyone plugs their phone into it, it'll charge
-Doesn't need batteries because you just PLUG IT INTO AN OUTLET
-Nothing obvious on it that makes it look like a spy camera
-How do you access the footage? Plug it into your computer. But can't anyone just see the footage that way? They need a special USB cable that comes with it
-Even the packaging doesn't say it's a spy camera. Just says that it's a phone charger.

It's just beautiful.

/thread

Is this the first time you have been allowed on the internet without parental supervision?

You seem like someone who is interested in talking.

What do you think of all of this?

Add to this list that it records 5 min videos, so it doesn't delete long videos because THERE AREN'T ANY

I wanna get into his room. I have a few options:

1-Lock picking. Risky. Even though the dorms are pretty much empty, there's this one guy in the hall who is still there. I still don't know how to lock pick.

2-Through the window. Problem is that the window is locked. Another problem is that his dorm building is near whatever it is they call the place where they process the water in English. So there are about two workers outside most of the time, and they can see me near the window.

I got the lock pick set, and I can learn on my own lock.

And for the window, I think I figured out how to unlock it from outside. I have to do some breaking.

There's no reason for me to go into his room, except maybe just to smell it. He has a really amazing smell. May be I could even fap on his bed and swap his pillow for another. (did that after he moved out of his old room)

stop whining
noone cares unless you have a vagina, and then they merely pretend to in order to get said vag

Read the second post for the interesting stuff.

Yes, you're right. You're a fucking awful person.
Kill yourself. You're a lost cause.
You being from a shitty family is the very reason you're a faggot and you are a fucking waste of human life.
You blame your pitfalls on others, groping people for attention and then trying to destroy them when they don't side with you. And you know, its really not your fault. So do the world and yourself a favour by tying a noose 'round your neck and ending your life.

Yes, you're right. You're a fucking awful person.
Kill yourself. You're a lost cause.
You being from a shitty family is the very reason you're a faggot and you are a fucking waste of human life.
You blame your pitfalls on others, groping people for attention and then trying to destroy them when they don't side with you. And you know, its really not your fault. So do the world and yourself a favour by tying a noose 'round your neck and ending your life.

If that pic is you OP, I'll be your lover and accept you so long as you accept me. Life sucks but we still want to live. I'm just as pretty as you but male…


Yes, I'm probably more guilty of this than you, unless you have more surgical scars than I do.


LOL nice pasta. That said one of my fetishes is forcing bullies to go on HRT.

Someone is clearly broken. You know them, friends even, you know they're sincere, and their problems are affecting them.
No one reached out to them, so they try to reach out to you, and you refuse.

What does that say about you?

I had a dream while I was asleep. I confronted C, and he came clean. Then, to make up for it, he decided that we should stay as friends, and then we went bowling.

I would be okay with that IRL.

you're a deranged child, op
look at this thread: 28 posts are you and nobody else posted more than twice. you are wailing at an indifferent universe. fuck off, ffs.

See

It's official, Holla Forumsabes; I picked my first lock.

It was my own lock, but it worked.

Now I gotta practice more to be able to pick C's lock.

Picked it again. I think I got the right tools and the know the right way.

The thing is when all the pins are up, some of the parts that are under the pins (the "teeth"?) also get stuck, so I have to loosen the thing that holds the lock just a bit so I can loosen them, then push the pin back up again.

So far I've picked my lock 7 times.

This is so much fun.

get a gun and blow your brains out doubtful you have one .

i skimmed through. you feel bad and edgy? so what? emotional abuse? LOL

nigger i've been through shit only seen in anime and edgy movies yet im not a faggot like you.
i do want to talk to you OP.

And I wanna listen.
What have you been through?

So I went to C's dorm and tried it. His lock seems different. I think I only unlocked 1 pin. The rest seemed adamant.

Then this fat ass was coming into the dorm, so I hid in the bathroom, then he turned on the lights, and as I was leaving the bathroom, the fucker stared at me.

Fucking leave already, fatso.

I came back to my room and unlocked the door using my picking tools in about a minute.

you sound like a fucking child if you think that saying that someone is bisexual makes you a bad person

you could freeze the cylinders and use a pick and a hammer to shatter them

though it will be obvious that someone broke in

When it could get someone killed and you happen to be of the homosexual persuasion yourself, it kind of does.

I'm from a country where it's a crime for two guys to fuck. He sucked a cock.

The English flag is not right.


Nah, I learned how to pick a lock just now. Picked my own lock about 16 times.

So a few days ago, my ex-roommate asked me to go into his room to get something for him, so I had to go to the housing department and get their approval to open his room for me.

So I went, got the thing, and saw his spare key, and took it. (he would get a fine if the guy that opened the room for me saw it, so I basically did him a favor)

I went to his room to try and pick the lock (I already have the key, so won't be suspicious), and it didn't work. Same problem as C's room.

I think that it isn't that their locks are hard; it's mine that is easy. I'm gonna take my lock pick set and try again later on my ex-roommate's room.

EXTRA: Found two special cups that I got for our room when we were roommates (they were four). Apparently he took them.

Sounds like a good plan OP, best of luck to you.

Faggots should be outed like the degenerates they are.

I am as well

The Jews are responsible for this thread.

No, they're just sponsors, not directly responsible.

Some people said they wanted to talk.

Where are you all?

You ARE an awful person, get off/b/, go out there, fuck birches, kill someone, live.

typical closet homo

Mexico moves to me, faggot.

I can pick the lock in half a minute now.

It's probably a really shitty lock.

I need to try my ex-roommate's lock and practice on it.

I went to my ex-roommate's room and figured out what the problem was: I was going clockwise when I should've been going counter-clockwise.

After figuring that out, I went to his friends' rooms and picked the locks and it worked.

First rooms I picked that I had no access to.

Okay, I got the direction right, but it's still not unlocking.

Something is really fucky. I tried with other locks in the building, and nothing worked.

I have no fucking idea why it doesn't work.

Tried on some rooms in my dorm. Doesn't work.

Okay listen here, gayboy. After blowing a few minutes reading your little blog and also monitoring your previous threads it's pretty obvious to me what you should do: follow through with your faggy little plan and post it all here ==especially== the vids. That would maybe make up for fagging up this board.

No go for vids nor pics.