Let's write the new Bible 2.0 - Unbarred Aristocrats Version

Okay Holla Forums I've got a dilema. I'm rewriting the entire Abrahamic works from the Torah to the Bible. All five books of the Torah as well, especially all five books of the Torah.

This time though I need to make sure it's got all the best pieces re-edited to sound like Holla Forums wrote it. I'm thinking like the classic joke telling of the aristocrats where everytime the joke is told it just gets sicker, more insane and beyond xxx categorization in terms of good taste. I'm talking so demented and crass without ANY merit what so ever, I want S&M Furry Cacophiles that regularily practice cousin fucking and livestock to vomit.

So I come to you Holla Forums most humbly and ask you to help author this new treasure that will be delivered as 'the word of god'. Any piece that looks particularly awesome, I'll send you 100,000 satoshi as long as I have permission to edit for grammar/spelling, reuse it and share it under the gnu license format with no profit intended or implied. Because this treasure should be given freely and spammed everywhere once the great work is done.

That's right I will pay you 100,000 satoshi's for the most vile crap involving all the characters in the old testament and the new testament…if it's really. Examples; Jesus bathing in shit, dude…YES! Mary getting triple teamed after belting back a 40…why wasn't this in the first book they'll ask! Elijah performing surprise anal rape…we all knew it anyways? Anycase…criteria below

a) creative
b) horribly atrocious.
c) vile
d) disturbing
e) all of the above.

100,000 Satoshi for any and all of that…those are real bitcoins btw.

Also you may edit ANYTHING about the entire shitty mess known as organized religious groups of Abraham. Personally I'm thinking a g-string and a cowboy hat is going to be the required priest wardrobe. Immaculate pole dancing will also be compulsory. I've enjoyed one before while at straight places, since I don't go to church or whatever. Doesn't effect me any. I figured everyone else would to. I sincerely hope you all do, because instead of collection plates, just bring small bills.

-Drop the needle-

Thoom thoom thoom…Put your hands together for a humble priest that dances for their dinner.

I know I can count on you Holla Forums

Genesis

1: In the beginning there was a yard sale and the universe was picked up at quarter with an air compressor for asking price;
2: The guy from the yard sale tried the universe on for size;
3: And the dude said "fuck, fits just right. Take it in a little, tinker a bit, put it on the shelf with the rest";
4: Small, annoying voices cried out, "Validate our rediculious beliefs!"
5: The dude thought 'Sure why the fuck not. I should get the input from Holla Forums on this subject and pay them 100,000 satoshi for the great work being developed.
6: Holla Forums once helped me with a library quest involving the rarest of pepes and poorly drawn penises.
7: Even more precious than the rarest of pepes, is extremely rare pepes.
8: The dude took a deep bong hit and murmured 'they are the extreme rarest of pepes…cough…fuck that's good shit.'.

fuck off edgelord.

9: And a fedora brother wise in the skill of maths handheld friend stated "LOL:GOD-ISNT-REAL:LOL".
10: 'True' said the dude, 'But some whiny cunts need their asses wiped so they can continue screwing people.'
11: 'May your fedora be true as the weirdness of the bronies in general.'
12: the Dude then double finger saluted the young nobel fedora as a respect paid among the oddballs, weirdos and misfits that inhabit this gem.
13: 'Lo! I have this great picture that will go in the new Bible 2.0. It's one of Jesus fucking his flock. I'll offer this as my commitment to truth in advertising.

14: All the existing clergy will be issued new uniforms of course to honour the fullness of their faith in the man in the Banana Hammock.

15: They would wear these holiest of vestments every day to provide the world around them with the knowledge their faith was full and dangled properly.

16: First the Holy Banana hammock that is full and bushy of faith in Banana Hammock Bill.

17: The colour of the banana hammocks going with the ranking of the clergy.

18: Second the weird pink toliet seat hat, that offers the floaters of truth to all that peer in the bowl of Banana Hammock Bill.

19: To reflect the saying if it's brown flush it down, if it's yellow let it mellow. So much wisdom, so much troof.

20: Since everyone getting dressed up in their new clothes, a new global anthem to replace all the old crap: the chicken dance.

21: The clergy saw that it was good and did the chicken dance in their new vestments with pride and joy. Especially with rainbow pride as they danced around the new altar stripper pole.

22: Doing the chicken dance for an hour.

23: Harken on to this wisdom of smattering these exact holy pictures into Bible 2.0, the holiest of all word and picture books in the universe.

24: 'Let see, this one is disgusting…oh that one too. Fuck, need that one. Awww…cat and puppy picture.' the command was given to put all the following pictures in the dumb ass book to replace them all.

24: 'But Banana Hammock Bill, won't your word be confusing?' cried some annoying pissants from the cheap seats in the back of the universe.

25: Banana Hammock Bill pondered this question "It really wouldn't matter what was said anyways. The dumb fuckers edit for content so they can present the best case given in their own favour."

26: Banana Hammock Bill scratched his ass as plainly stated "They are not beyond fucking children and biting dicks off babies as it's written in their books. Wrapping some garbage up for public consumption isn't a stretch for them."

27: "They are running practically every media agency framing the 'story' just right. They are under the assumption anyone cares about their crap. Universe runs just fine if they believe or if they don't. They really aren't picky, just so long as they can make a buck."

28: 'Oh yeah…oh yay! This will now be required twice a day from fellowship of those wishing to remain in the Torah and Bible groups.' and Banana Hammock Bill laughed his ass off.

Did you enjoy sucking baby penisus or you are just another eurocuck?

29: The sage said 'The Muslims aren't included in the toliet bowl of abrahamic bullshit!!! Waaaa!'

30: "Troof that is that they, unlike the other two cock suckers, DIDN'T put a prediction of doom in their book. They are obviously a little smarter that the other bunch. Therefore they have to suffer only trolling." Banana Hammock Bill then man spread revealing a matted forest of crotch hairs that radiated pure green goodness and light from his dayglo Troglodyte skin.

31: "Look upon my hair straw heap and be wisened" two fingers were given in respectful gesture to the pepe, "besides, I get kickbacks for leaving them alone. Like was mentioned. They are much smarter than the other two dipshits requesting validation. They paid to be left alone with their brand of crazy."

32: "It's always about the money. Speaking of which, this picture is a money shot, it's going in the big book of crazy once this is finished."

33: "Pardon…what I meant to say was Bible 2.0, not big book of crazy."

St Paul's Epistel to the New Yorkians
3:2-5
"And the Loli shallst gladly be able to conceive from the age of 4. And how the brethren did cheer and clap so, with such joyous news, that filled their hearts with glad tidings overfloeth. And upon the altar of deflowerment, thoust did present an offering, of young so young and ripely willing to be plucked, and it was so"

That's already part of the tulmud and by proxy adopted by Christainity since all rabinical decisions are ALWAYS adopted by all forms of Christainity since they accept the torah comes before the bible. Stupid huh?

And 4 is way too old for Rabbi's. 3 is the age…-barf-

Three Year Old Brides

When Christ accused the Pharisees of His day of being Satan’s spiritual children, He fully realized what they were capable of. Second century Rabbi Simeon ben Yohai, one of Judaism’s very greatest rabbis and a creator of Kabbalah, sanctioned pedophilia—permitting molestation of baby girls even younger than three! He proclaimed, “A proselyte who is under the age of three years and a day is permitted to marry a priest.” 1 Subsequent rabbis refer to ben Yohai’s endorsement of pedophilia as “halakah,” or binding Jewish law. 2 Has ben Yohai, child rape advocate, been disowned by modern Jews? Hardly. Today, in ben Yohai’s hometown of Meron, Israel, tens of thousands of orthodox and ultra-orthodox Jews gather annually for days and nights of singing and dancing in his memory.

References to pedophilia abound in the Talmud. They occupy considerable sections of Treatises Kethuboth and Yebamoth and are enthusiastically endorsed by the Talmud’s definitive legal work, Treatise Sanhedrin.

The Pharisees Endorsed Child Sex

The rabbis of the Talmud are notorious for their legal hairsplitting, and quibbling debates. But they share rare agreement about their right to molest three year old girls. In contrast to many hotly debated issues, hardly a hint of dissent rises against the prevailing opinion (expressed in many clear passages) that pedophilia is not only normal but scriptural as well! It’s as if the rabbis have found an exalted truth whose majesty silences debate.

Because the Talmudic authorities who sanction pedophilia are so renowned, and because pedophilia as “halakah” is so explicitly emphasized, not even the translators of the Soncino edition of the Talmud (1936) dared insert a footnote suggesting the slightest criticism. They only comment: “Marriage, of course, was then at a far earlier age than now.” 3

In fact, footnote 5 to Sanhedrin 60b rejects the right of a Talmudic rabbi to disagree with ben Yohai’s endorsement of pedophilia: “How could they [the rabbis], contrary to the opinion of R. Simeon ben Yohai, which has scriptural support, forbid the marriage of the young proselyte?” 4

This isn't going n the new book of crazy btw…pardon…Bible 2.0

33: Banana Hammock Bill answered the user 'fuck no, you jewish? The rule is whatever local law is on the books. I think some places that 13 and others 16 or some shit. It seems to be a cultural legal adoption and tends to have its own social taboo's.'

34: The dude then asked the user 'Don't you like curves, a little bush, ass and tits? Maybe a conversation that doesn't involve nap time and snacks?'

35: And the message board sliders and shills appeared

John 1-6
In the beginning there were the words, and the words made all life, and divinity was held in the words, holy be the words.
All was the same as God, a union of mind body and spirit. Creation, without it, absolute. And in God there was life, and so he spake and the light shown out the darkness. And from God, there was a man sent, his name, John.

Guys what about the ten commandments.

1. Memes are eternal
2. Thy shalt not be a faggot
3. It's not gay unless the balls touch

Do you remembered how you died?

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The Lord did grin, and the people did so rejoice, and feast upon…

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