So spending the holidays with family I got forced to watch The Force Awakens. Lucky for you...

So spending the holidays with family I got forced to watch The Force Awakens. Lucky for you, that means you get to hear the best review, the one from that one guy on Holla Forums who posts the autisticly long-winded rants which are also very insightful. So, here we go:

-I was fucking miserable 90% of the movie.
-Basically any time Rey was on screen. She was just so painfully ugly, a complete and total mary sue, her voice seriously had me considering that she might be a tranny. Way too deep. Her cheerfulness was annoying because she just kept getting shit that didn't feel remotely earned, and I couldn't care about her because I found her so unattractive.
-Finn was awful. The way he was introduced, his fucking face, his "No trust us, it'll be good, really" barely there backstory, just all around awful. They should have let Boyega use his British accent. He felt like he started out as Han Solo but became Jar Jar Binks in production.
-Carrie Fisher (god rest her drug-addled soul) was terrible. Mark Hammil was in a car accident and became a better actor. Carrie Fisher *was* a car accident and she talks like she's recovering from a stroke induced by botox.
-Poe was okay, but I definitely buy the gay thing.
-The little CGI alien was fucking awful. Completely fucking awful. Visually speaking, worst thing in the whole movie. Every frame she was in was jarring.
-TR8-TOR is more popular and sold more merchandise than Finn or Rey. Let that sink in.
-The girl power shit was garbage and comes up maybe six times.
-Han Solo's death doesn't feel earned. The film is awful as a starting point because someone who's never seen a Star Wars film won't give a shit about any of this or any of the new characters.
-Chewy was great.
-Everything people said about this being a shot-for-shot remake of A New Hope with swapped races and gender was right. There's videos documenting this and Abrams has admitted it.
-Anyone who thinks this is developing into a grand, well-planned out story is a retard, Abrams fucked up Star Trek with his "plans" fucked up Lost and Fringe again having no real ending planned, and Cloverfield was garbage.
-A lot of the dialog is just fucking awful and feels like pure exposition. The Han Solo scenes with Leia in particular, but everything on the Millennium Falcon, every scene at the "Resistance" base, any scene where they explain something felt unnatural.
-Speaking of, why are they the Resistance now? They won. They're not Rebels, they're the establishment. Why not just call them the Republic? Shit's dumb.

All in all, I think it would be passable if not for Rey. In fact if she just wasn't flat and ugly that would do. She's easily the worst part of this mess.

Two things can fix this. First, Finn stays in a coma. Second, we learn that Luke stored all of the Light Side in Rey, not because she's special, but because it turns out there's a void in her and she's the least force-sensitive person in the galaxy. It can be removed from her to revive the Jedi Order, but at the expense of her going back to having zero powers and being left clinically retarded.

You're welcome, Disney. Also, fuck you.

that would be fucking amazing. a nod to the kotor plots as well.

Because they didn't have any other way to remake Episode 4, not even the Imperial Remnant was like that in EU.

Also, a reminder, there were some "leaks" that pointed out the following stuff for Ep8

there's your problem

Opinion discarded

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why is that dick in the background melting?

Cuck

I don't get why abrams became such a big name (besides him being jewish of course in a jewish industry). everything he's done has maybe had a good hook but ends up being shit storywise.

I think he was the alias dude right? That show went to complete shit before the first season was done

what more do you need?

I attempted to watch this the other day, but I had to turn it off shortly after Rey first opened her mouth. The main character (i.e., the one the audience is supposed to relate to) has a fucking British accent in an American film franchise. I've seen enough Abrams tripe to know how bad the rest of the film would be from there.

So are we gonna get more Rey porn or what?

I stopped watching TFA at the retarded GI Joe laser, did I miss anything?

Why do you care? She is a jew not?

But that's just a picture of j.j. Abrams office when Daisy was auditioning.

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Punished "Venom" TR8-TOR:
A hero deprived of loyalty

What are the few original things that Abrams has done? It just seems like all he does is do unintentional or intentional remakes or things that are inspired by Spielberg.

It's not like he has a large list of movies as a Director. He directed four or five movies. Many movies credited to him were just produced by him.

Because niggers should never be shown.

The original Mark Hammil died in his car accident. They replaced him with a lookalike that has been "Mark Hammil" ever since.

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Yeah but the lookalike was too big.

You are the weirdo indeed.

KOLOSSAL KAUKASIAN KOCK

Exactly, it would have been so much better if a dragon-thing with six legs fucked a Scandinavian bitch instead of a Jewess.

It had a Tumblr filename so what did you expect.

Fucking fags.

Mike the Kike pls go
Everybody knows droids are the way to go

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There is nothing better than seeing alien women getting brutally fucked and culturally enriched.

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*talked

And they're already replacing her with Han Solo's ghost in the sequel.

How are they going to explain a force-sensitive Leia not being a ghost, but Han Solo is? For that matter, are they using the old actors? Prequels established young Anikin as being a force ghost now.

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this right here is possibly the biggest problem.

go back and watch any, and i mean any, of the previous six films.

even though most of them are all sequels, they are all totally watchable on their own without having seen a previous film.

i really don't get how they fucked this up so bad, even rogue one didn't make that mistake.

you do know none of those are confirmed, right? it's just speculation from a pastebin link.

literally nothing he has done is original. original bits, to an extent sure, but overall 99.9% of his shit is copied and pasted from some previous work.


keep in mind that this does not contradict the bigger luke theory, as hamill got into the car crash post-anh, so bigger luke is still out there somewhere.

where did u hear this, by chance? ford isn't returning in 8.

That alone would be enough, but you have to admit, the guy makes money consistently with everything he does. It's an Emperor's New Clothes situation. All the public agree he's good even though nothing he's done is really very good.

He's written another of his famous mystery box plots, which is a fancy way of saying make-it-up-as-you-go-along plot. He seriously gave a TED talk where he first made the reasonable argument that audiences are more engaged in a plot is when there is a question they are waiting to have answered ie a mystery box, such as "Who's the killer?"

He then makes the insane leap of arguing that the most effective way to write a mystery box is for the writer not to know what's in there either. This explains the terrible endings to Lost and how most of his projects start strong and fall apart before ending in anti-climax. It also means that people saying there's a perfectly good reason for Rey's incredible abilities and the heroes being called the Resistance despite being the dominant power and that all will be revealed in Episode VIII are most likely wrong, because JJ simply never thought that far ahead.

Easiest way to fix it without reshooting too much:

Nu-deathstar is a weapon that accelerates meteors to hyperspace speeds and crashes them into planets. Devours meteor fields instead of sun.
No Han (no Chewie, Falcon, etc..), he's off doing rathtars or whatever. Let him die in peace, enough coincidences.
Leia asks Finn to find her son instead when they go on the suicide mission, and he takes Poe. They find Rey and Rey has the confrontation on the bridge and fucking dies, what an actual twist the protag is dead. Poe gets wounded by Kylo and goes for the ship and Finn has the fight in the forest and manages to hold off Kylo until Poe brings it around.

don't want to be an asshole, but the resistance is not the republic. they're a pmc, given some leftover military supplies by the republic to fight against the first order.

who the fuck thought this made for good lore is beyond me, it's pants-on-head retarded.

So they're a govt. backed Antifa ie Antifa IRL

pretty much, plus shoehorned diversity

This was not made clear in the film at all. As I far as I saw, the First Order are the big bad Empire 2.0 and the Resistance are the plucky underdog Rebels again. It's a shitshow no matter what explaination we go for, though.

George did that in TPM already.

The left always wants to be the rebels and the underdogs, even when they write a story where their bumbling adversaries totally lose every time.

I WILL FIND YOU AND COMMUNISM THE SHIT OUT OF YOU BOY

This just means he has no imagination and he makes excuses. But is anyone surprised by that?

He's a hack

Retarded world building

Chuck Wendig wrote those shitty books.

If memory serves, he masturbated thinking about gamergate because of his cuck fetish.

It's fine, TFA was just a rehash of the prior films anyway.