I want to translate some soviet jokes. This is a joke thread

I want to translate some soviet jokes. This is a joke thread.

Q: What is the difference between a communist and a ran-over dog?
A: There is a break trail before the dog.

Q: What do you need to throw to a drowning communist?
A: His family.

Q: Whao is a man, surrounded by ten communists?
A: A german, who ran out of ammunition.
Q: A hundred?
A: Kolbasa/sausage seller.
Q: A thousand?
A: A security guard in gulag.

Q: A stalinist and a maoist are playing russian roulette. Who wins?
A: Society.

Q: What is the difference between a communist and coal?
A: Coal does not scream when burned in train furnace.

Other urls found in this thread:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_political_jokes
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes
twitter.com/SFWRedditVideos

Q: Tell me a joke, tovarich Kruchchev!
A: Hungarian Revolution

Q:There are three communists in a car, who's driving?
A:NKVD officer.

Q: How do you starve a communist?
A: Hide the bread ration coupons under the washing powder.

Q: Why don't communists play hide and seek?
A: because nobody wants to find them.

Q: How do you get a communist of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What is the communist slogan?
А: "To each according to needs", so you go to the shop, and ther's a sign "today there is no need for butter"
Two communists walk on the street. one of them is a stalinist, another one also has dirty pants.

The shortest anecdote: communism.

Q:What's the difference between socialism and socialising?
A:The same as between sewing and sewer.

A communist, a marxist and a socialist walk into a bar, and the barmen sais to them: "Get the fuck out of here".

A communist walks into a bar, but realises he forgot his ration coupons at home.

Two litle boys are talking through the Berlin wall.
- I have an orange! - boasts the western Berliner.
- We have socialism!
- Big deal! We can make socialism too!
- but then you will not have an orange!

So you just take old jokes and replace a nazi with a communist. Ha ha.

Q: Whom did the communists feed?
A: the sharks.

Q: Three communists fly in a helicopter, who's at the helm?
A: the invisible hand of the market.

Q: Will there be money in communism?
A: Yugoslav revisionists say that there will be money. Chineese dogmatics say there will be no money under communism. We approach the matter dialectically: some will have the money and some will not.

Some of these jokes are hard to understand if one is not familiar with the chineese- russian- yugoslav communist rifts and general caos that attempts to install communism bring on a practical level, but I think the core idea of a joke still can be seen.

A: What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
A: Clearly they were russian! Only they can run around barefoot and butt naked, without a roof over their heads, eat one apple for both of them and claim they are in heaven!

Q: At what stage is our fight with alcoholism?
A: The first stage is complete: snacks were liquidated!

On the 1st of May parade a group of old people carry the sign: "thank you comerade Stalin for our happy childhood!"
A man in civilian runs towards them:
- Are you kidding me? When you were children, comerade Stalin hasn't even been born yet!
- We thank him for that!

Q:What are the main problems ov soviet agriculture?
A: There are four of them: spring, summer, autumn and winter.

Q:What does"capitalism is on the verge of collapse" mean?
A: it means they are near us and looking at how we are convulsing.

These are really bad and sound like dadjokes where, as another user said, Nazism was removed and communism was forcefully inserted.

You can find actually good and real jokes from the AES times here that people actually self-satired with over their conditions:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_political_jokes
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes
e.g.:

A worker each day brings his lunck with him - a sprat sandwich. once a secretary of local party commity comes up to him:
- tomorrow a foreign delegation will visit us, so you,
Ivanov, better bring something more impressive from home!
Tommorow Ivanov unfolded his black caviar sandvitch right when the delegation was passing him!
- Good job for not failin us! - the secretary of the commitee later tells Ivanov. - But how did you manage to get black caviar?
- I haven't slept all night, I was picking out sprat eyes all night…

Monolingual mongoloid detected. Stuff like rhymes and puns doesn't simply translate.

You don't speak any other language than English and you have never been to China or Russia. Pathetic.

Pretty sure that is a jew joke

Kek

Most of these are just general [people i dont like] jokes

Лол, этот коммипидар порвался, несите нового.
I do a free translation, simple rhymes are not hard to figure out during translation.

Meh, they are funny to those whom they are thought by. Though they talk about aspects of problems less obvious then just harsh prison sentences.

A government worker was getting late for work and ran out of home with pants still in his arms.. But he still got late. He was stopped every ten minutes and asked what store did not have the pants shortage.

...

Before the Moscau olimpic games there was sent an instruction to department stores: do not tell the customers "no".
A woman asks for gloves at the deartment store.
- What kind? Leather? Woolen? Suede?
- Woolen, please.
- Bright? Dark?
- The dark ones.
- Long? Shirt?
- Shirt, if you can.
- You know what, bring us your coat later and we will pic you the best option later.
- Do not trust them! - another customer interjects into the conversation. -
i have brought them my toilet, showed them my ass, but I still did not recieve any toilet paper!

There is a slim chance anyone will get this old timeless classic.

Q: What is it, it huffs, it farts, but does not push in the ass?
A: New soviet machine for pushing in the ass.

- Why don't you sale black caviar? - a foreigner asked.
- There is no demand!
He did not believe and the whole day camped the cashier.
Indeed, no one has demanded it.

Also, these made me remember how caviar was fetishised in USSR. It is, or rather was, truely ridiculous.

- Rabinovich, why do you want to emmigrate to Israel?
- I am tired of celebrating!
- What celebrating?
- managed to buy sausage - celebraton, managed to get toilet paper-
a celebration…

A soviet delegation in USA:
- Whos fatory is this?
- Fords.
- Whos cares are parked here?
- The peoples.
American delegation in USSR:
- Whos fatory is this?
- The peoples.
- Whos car is parked here?
- The fatory director.

how about you fuck off to your mongolian homeland with your moonspeak

A communist enters a sote, and leaves.

Q: Why USSR does not send people to the Moon?
A: What if they decide to stay?


There is another joke on the matter. Or maybe better to say, a saying.
"Where I am, there Russia is" and then a parody/joke "Where I have shat there Russia is". Translated into modern times "Where have I shitposted, moonrunes will follow".

In prison cell:
- How much are you in here for?
- twentyfive.
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
- You lie! They only give ten years for nothing.

you need to go back

Worker came five minuts early. He was imprisoned for spying. Another worker came five minuts late.
He was imprisoned for sabotage. Third worker came exactly on time. He was imprisoned for antisoviet activity - he was wearing swiss watch.

Ebin

Not sure how I feel about explicitly anti-communist jokes though. Did the workers not consider themselves communist even if they supported communism?

Oh come on now. Where is the spirit of international cameradery?

Well, it was not easy from what I understand. Workers as individuals had almost no impact on the decisions of the party and the communist partybecame elitist to ridiculous levels. Workers joked about what was happening, it makes no difference if they got imprisoned in the name of tsar, capital or communism.

- This is unberable! - commented a pedestrian in a -40 cold weather.
- Come with me! - said a man in civilian clothing. - you said soviet regime was unberable!
- What does the soviet regime has to do with it? i was talking about the weather!
- You lie, cold IS bearable!

Why are you asking that a guy who was born after the fall of the Soviet Union (and is also likely a burger)?

Because no discussion is allowed or to the gulag we go? Also no jokes allowed apparantly.

— leonid Illich(Lenin)! If you say we are transitioning from socialm to communism, why are we starving?
— Nobody promised you snacks on the way.

-Tell me, have we already reached communism or it will be even worse?

Q: Can we build communism?
A: build it -sure, live in it - doubtly.

A lecture in the house of enlightenment. Lector:
- Communism is already on the horison, and… Question from the ausience:
- What is a horison? Lector:
- Err… horison is an imaginary line, where earth is connected to the sky and which moves further away as one tries to aproache it.

What did capitalism achieve in one year that communism couldn't in 70?

Make communism look good.

- Radio says our country is full of consumer goods, but our refrigerator is empty. What is the deal here?
- plug the refrigerator into the radio.


Contest for the best political anecdotes to commemorate Lenin.
3-rd place prize - 3 years in medium security prison.
2-nd place prize- 7 years of maximum security prison and a trip to Lenins places.
1-st place prize - a meeting with the commemorated!

...

— What is the difference between a catastrophy and a tragedy?
— Imagine a goat was crossing a bridge but fell into the river and drowned. it is a tragedy but not a catastrophy. now imagine a plane of top government officials fell and crashed. It's a catastrophy but not a tragedy.

When I visited Budapest, Hungarians seemed pretty boring and sad, and I guess you just confirmed my stereotype.
Just joking, the two exchange students I know from there are pretty cool
But seriously, your "jokes" are this, except the one about the 25 years in jail

Shit, meant *like this*, but whatever 🤷

—When we reach communism we will have everything we want! —
says regeonal party commity member. — What about us? — a question from the audience.


They are not mine. Not even hungarian. These are generally soviet.

American union representative visited a soviet reserch institute. He didn't see anyone at their workplaces. Workers were standing in corridors, smoked and joked. Two people were playing chess on the windowsill. one woman was showing off her new blouse. When he left the guest said:
- good luck in your strike!

This joke is very hard to understand to those who don't know what USSR reserch institutes do most of the time.

Q: why the soviet sun is so happy in the morning?
A: because it knows - by the end of the day it is going to be in the west.

We get it, you don't like Commies. Can you stop shitting up the board and go back to Holla Forums?

I actually was considering making this thread on pol, but this is a communist jokes thread on a board called "leftypol"
Well, it's just like with fashism, a gigantic social experiment that failed to provide answers to societal chalanges. While fashism has severe problems with external agression and power sucseson, communism just degrades society and economy overall. I also don't like theocratic slavecentered theocracies, it doesn't mean those things are not fascinating.

Rabinovich walks past famous building on Lubyanka(KGB HQ). A sign on the gates says "No entry to unauthorised personell".
— Do they think if the sign said "Welcome!" I would have entered?

It is not even about disliking commies. I like self-depreciative humour, but these jokes are the equivalent of warm beer. They barely reaches the threshold of what it takes to make you smile. It's being trapped in a family dinner with that unfunny uncle, but instead it's on an imageboard.
Maybe OP did a bad job at translating this, but meh.
Also learn to sage threads you don't like, faggot

Nope. You are not good at pretending. The reason you are not good at that is that you are not good at emulating the character of other people. This lack of ability is a typical trait of autists.

it lacks the "funny jokes" part

here's a joke
three humans walked into a bar: nigger, spic, and gook

Ok, now go away.

Hardly any of your jokes are funny, they just are "lol kill commies lol".

These are just rebranded Jew jokes though.

K guy i have a good dad joke.

Q:What do you call a nation that hasn't had dinner yet ?
A:Hungry.

Q: what do you call a joke about German soldiers in the Russian winter.
A: the berwmock

What is it about this board that attracts the most autistic Holla Forums shitposters?