The world is shit, and we all need a laugh sometimes to keep going. Let's have a joke thread.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Seven. Two to arrest the bulb for being broke, and five to beat the room for being black.
inb4
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What happened to the Italian chef who fell ill? He pastaway
Not leftist, but whatever.
Whats the difference between a bread and a jew?
Breads dont scream in the oven
*sniffing intensifies*
What's next? "The difference between Santa and a Jew"?
Holla Forums FAQ #32
Why was the imageboard user alone?
Because he was a negative Nancy and had to ruin the fun everywhere he went in order to feel superior to others
The video where Borat tells the joke about the chair with shoes
Well, first of all you need to abandon the idea that that we could ever just go ahead and change the light bulb. Clinging to childish pie-in-the-sky radical fantasies like this is flagrantly unserious, and only means letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. In order to responsibly address the very serious issue of light bulb burnout, we need to engage in bipartisan dialogue toward a respectful consensus that encompasses all reasonable viewpoints, including those who doubt the fiscal and social responsibility of providing electric lighting in the first place, and to this end a bipartisan "gang of eleventeen" led by Senator Candlemaker and Congressman Darklover is currently working on a "grand bargain" for our proposed Bulb Burnout Responsible Action and Recovery Act. The current proposal, based on a policy framework originally developed by the Anti-Electricity Foundation, begins with a means-testing scale to determine the level of darkness in any particular room; if the darkness level meets certain benchmark targets, a public-private partnership would be permitted to provide subsidies for up to two (2) fingers of one (1) hand to be positioned around the light bulb. Each rotation of five-sixteenths radians would then be distributed according to a sliding scale, and a market for bulb rotation permits would be established to ensure efficient allocation of expenditures on this critical issue. Under the current "grand bargain" framework, this proposed universal lighting policy would of course be implemented at the state and local level, and authorities in each relevant jurisdiction will be permitted at their discretion to withdraw the light bulb changer's fingers and crush the entire hand to a pulp in an iron vise.
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solid/solid
How many objectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3: one to celebrate the system they're using, one to drop the lightbulb and break it, one to blame it on the socialists.
How many Bordigas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0: Bordiga's lightbulb is never on unless there's the revolution
who are the 2 best friend of the jews?
potatoes and onions, they are a great companion in the oven
>inb4 banned
whats the best part of fucking babies?
you know you reach their hearts
i could tell you a really good joke, but aint free
pay me
Best joke I got.
Capitalism
benis :-DDD
What's wrong with me? I find Lyudmilas logic, flawless.
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How do you fit 6 millions jews in a Chevette? in the ashtray.
10/10, this was painful to read.
A nigger walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says "nice, where did you get that!"
"In africa, there is loads of them running about there" said the parrot.
No…. that was not funny, thats sick
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there is literally nothing wrong with you, user
A man died and woke up in heaven.
He seen ST. Paul in front of him and a masive wall of clocks behind him
He asked ST. Paul:
berfegd
Why can't two asians make a white baby?
Because two wongs don't make a white
Thanks. Here's 1 for ya
the funniest part is the normalfags reaction to a true dark humour joke
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Painfully accurate.
user, i…
Here's my favorite joke.
An American, a Mexican, and a Chinese man are sitting in a boat. Suddenly the rowboat starts taking on water. The three men theorize there is too much mass on the boat, and realize they have to get rid of some of their cargo, particularly something they have too much of in their country. The Chinese man throws overboard 12 crates full of cheap, broken merchandise made in China. However, the boat continues sinking. The Mexican man then throws 12 crates of automobile and farming equipment overboard. Regardless, the boat continues to sink. The American then grabs the Mexican;
He asks the Mexican, who is now very startled, what he can throw overboard. The men agree to drop the decommissioned 747 jet engine they have laying in their rowboat, which considerably lowers the weight of the boat. It didn't matter though , as the boat was sinking because there was a hole in the side, not because there was too much mass.
The boat slowly went down, and the water rose, until the men were nearly underwater. Luckily, they were only rowing in a lake, which due to the recent drought, was only three feet deep. They got out, walked to shore, and lived happily ever after. The three executives congratulate each other on finding such an effective, irresponsible way to dispose of their corporate waste.
Uwatm8?
You think this innocent face has ever lied once?
Are you calling her a LIAR?
ARE YOU SAYING THIS SWEET OUL WOMAN WAS A LIAR!!!!?
I wish we could bring her back from the dead so I could beat her back to death with a tire iron. She's some of the lowest scum to ever draw breath. Sure you can point to dictators who caused more misery but if she had had that kind of power she'd have made Hell real.
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Now you stop right their!
You are filthy with sin. You need a bleach bath to wash all the nasty devilment off and out of you
Don't forget all the disease she spread because sterile equipment is bad.
I felt it was posteriority worthy.
Non-liberal: 'Islam is bad'
Liberal: 'That's racist'
Non-liberal: 'Islam is not a race'
Nazbol: 'But it is. First there's a loud bang, then people run as fast as they can'
Nazbols are pro-Islam and anti-western.
That depends upon what your definition of 'is' is.
That would explain this
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What do your sister and a communist society have in common?
No class.
I like my girls like I like my wine. 12 years old and in my basement.
What's the difference between Holla Forums and a brick? A brick gets laid.
How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?
Two more if I move the bikes
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How many neoliberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
3. One to privatise it, one to hire out its changing to a private company and a third to say it went off due to socialism
What do photons and Catholics have in common? They both have mass!
How many anarkiddies does it take to change a lightbulb?
There were only two of us, wandering listlessly in the night. The city glowed bright in all of its excess. When we stepped foot in that abandoned warehouse, the first thing we saw was the burned out lightbulbs, hanging from the mold-spattered ceiling. It only took us a couple minutes to switch out that vacuum-filled shell. We hadn’t only made a change in the warehouse, but in our hearts. We climbed up to the roof to watch the stars, cars zipping by like ants, oblivious to the beauty that rests above them. When we woke up to the sun-rise we knew, we just fucking knew, we could could change a hell of a lot more than just lightbulbs.
But photons don't have mass.
is this victor serge
I's crimethinc
Lmao you can't make this shit up.
why the fuck has no one else commented on this? 10/10 stop what you're doing and watch this right now. You deserve a million (you)'s for this.
A member of the Alt-Right goes to Germany. While he's there he meets some new friends. One day him and his new friends go out to dinner where the topic of discussion is the Holocaust. The alt-righter says "You know I actually don't believe that really happened, I think it's a conspiracy." Appalled by this his German ex-friends report him to the authorities and he is arrested for Holocaust denial which is a crime in Germany.
At his arraignment the judge says to him "I am of Jewish descent and I have family members that survived Auschwitz, instead of sending you to prison I'm going to place you on house arrest for one year. For one year you're going to live with my Jewish family in the Jewish section of this city and they will tell you themselves the horrors they had to endure. You will also be immersed in Jewish culture and you will do nothing but spend time with Jews and hopefully this will rid you of your blatant antisemitism."
The alt-righter goes through with it and a year later he goes back to court to speak to the judge. The judge says "Now do you see that someone tried to exterminate our race? Do you finally understand that the Holocaust is real and actually happened and that someone tried to kill every single last Jew?"
The alt-righter says "Your Honor, after spending all that time with Jews….I'm surprised it only happened once!"
You need to add 'made by myself'
I didn't know my father posted on Holla Forums.
this is what I came here for
An homeless man and a billionnaire went into a bakery.
When the baker turned his back, the poor guy swiflty snatch three cakes and put them in his pocket.
The hobo then whispers into the rich guy's ear:
"Can you do better than that!"
The billionnaire shouted to the baker: "Hey brave man! Would you like to see a magic trick? Give me a cake!"
So the baker gave the billionnaire a cake that the wealthy man swallowed immediatly
"Now give me another one!"
Once again the baker obeyed and the rich dude ate the second cake.
"Once again!"
Same thing happened. The baker started to be annoyed.
"So, what about that magic trick?"
"Check the hobo's pocket…" answered the well-of man.
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politically correct "jokes"
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Its funny because its painfully accurate
source?
That could be twisted into a proverb of sorts with enough adjusting. I like the concept though.
Two Ukrainians are eating a clown. One Ukrainian looks to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
kill me
How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A Jew lost a quarter down a storm drain
What does the dog say?
woof
What does the cat say?
meow
What does the pig say?
you're under arrest for resisting arrest
What does the cow say?
check your privelege
What does the sheep say?
we can change the system by working within it
I saw someone post it on twitter (as an image) and transcribed it. A google search finds it posted on the chapo-trap-house reddit three months ago. Also, most bizzarely, it turned up an exact reproduction of this very jokes thread, on a different forum, with fake names inserted for each poster (!!!)
Visit site at your own risk, it's hella sketchy:
hollaforums.com
Hollaforums, leakyforums, sheekyforums and all that stuff are places that clone comments from imageboards to make their sites seem extremely active in order to get ad revenue. They're just ad farms.
I enjoyed that a lot.
IN THE MID-1930S, a debate is raging in the Politburo of the Bolshevik : will there be money in communism or not? The Leftist Trotskytes claim there will be no money since money is only needed in societies with private ownership, while the Rightist partisans of Bukharin claim that of course there will be money in communism since every complex society needs money to regulate the exchange or products. When, finally, Comrade Stalin intervenes, he rejects both the Leftist and the Rightist deviations, claiming that the truth is a higher dialectical synthesis of the opposites. When other Politburo members ask him how this synthesis will look, Stalin calmly answers: “There will be
money and there will not be money. Some will have money and others will not have it.
THE MEANING OF A SCENE can change entirely with the shift in the subjective point, as in a classic Soviet joke in which Brezhnev dies and is taken to Hell; however, since he was a great leader, he is given the muh privilege to be taken on a tour and select his room there. The guide opens a door and Brezhnev sees Khruschev sitting on a sofa, passionately kissing and fondling Marilyn Monroe in his lap; he joyously exclaims: “I wouldn’t mind being in this room!” The guide snaps back: “Don’t be too eager, comrade! This is not the room in hell for Khruschev, but for Marilyn Monroe!”
A JOKE FROM THE EARLY 1960S nicely renders the paradox of the presupposed belief. After Yuri Gagarin, the first cosmonaut, made his visit to space, he was received by Nikita Khruschev, the general secretary of the Communist Party, and told him confidentially: “You know, comrade, that up
there in the sky, I saw heaven with God and angels—Christianity is right!” Khruschev whispers back
to him: “I know, I know, but keep quiet, don’t tell this to anyone!” Next week, Gagarin visited the Vatican and was received by the pope, to whom he confides: “You know, holy father, I was up there in the sky and I saw there is no God or angels …” “I know, I know,” interrupts the pope, “but keep quiet, don’t tell this to anyone!”
SUCH A FALL by means of which God loses his distance and becomes involved, steps into the human series, is discernible in a classic joke from the German Democratic Republic in which Richard Nixon, Leonid Brezhnev, and Erich Honecker confront God, asking him about the future of their countries. To Nixon, God answers: “In 2000, the United States will be Communist!” Nixon turns away and starts to cry. To Brezhnev, He says: “In 2000, the Soviet Union will be under Chinese
control.” After Brezhnev has also turned away and started to cry, Honecker finally asks: “And how will it be in my beloved GDR?” God turns away and starts to cry
TAKE THE OLD JOKE about the difference between Soviet-style bureaucratic Socialism and Yugoslav self-management Socialism: in Russia, members of the nomenklatura drive themselves in expensive limousines, while in Yugoslavia, ordinary people themselves ride in limousines through their representatives.
Here is russian joke.
Two comrades workings manys hours together to builds yet another glorious iterations of Linux. They decides to namings this builds "Stalin". They pour times, efforts, sweats and tears into excitings new OS. Despite best efforts and many sacrifice, OS runs like a thick muddy crap.
Disheartened, they are about to give up dream and become truck drivers when they hear of new Linux: Linux Adidas. Is fast, is sexy, is athletic like a tracksuit.
One comrade is super excited, but the other refuses to give up trying to make Stalin work.
The first comrade, he get mad. He says "If you want to stay here and workings on bullshit failure, fine. But I will no longer slav away on this! I am goings to quit Stalin and make somethings of myself!"
Please to note the russian who told this joke got 50 years of hard labor.
it was not enough
I love the efficency of capitalism and how it minimises waste.
Bots going through human-like motions by copying, to fulfill the role of a consumer a cycle of capital - the sci-fi dystopia is here already. Capitalist realism.
Anyway that was my joke
haha
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Incredible.
The accuracy is painful.
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that picture demonstrates the liberal 'left' mindset quite beautifully
but based on the flag I think I'm supposed to laugh at the concept of a black man being a succesful professional instead
niggers, amirite??? xDDDDDDDD
Why can't they be those things AND black, though?