Hello faggots. This is your commander speaking. Today I will taking you on a journey through X-COM and how I will completely fuck it all up. If everything goes well by the end of this we will complete the game. If not then I will take a horse dildo up my own ass. No. I will not.
We will be playing vanilla OpenXcom on Superhuman Ironman and I'll be getting you retards to give me suggestions.
First order of business is where shall we put our first base and what shall we name it?
Put it in sweden, call it the "International Swedish Immigration Services" and get ready to welcome some needy refugees.
Well, shit OP. There's no fun in bullyin if you're already a masochist.
I say remake the Wolf's Lair. Nice memeage and nice coverage.
The Slack Shack
Recruit /r/atheism, Donald Trump and A-10 Thunderbolt II
Since ISIS didn't fit I hope this is a nice compromise. In the mean time I brought my bear essentials. I'll leave the renaming of soldiers off for now.
Well fug. Missed out on that occasion.
After you build ALIUM PRISON buy stun rods for everyone and don't stop tazing until you get a navigator.
Looks like our delivery has arrived. Time to claim which name for which soldier.
Give them Swedish names like Muhammad and Amin.
Could you be any more racist?
Do you want them all dead?
Our first alien contact has arrived. Time to buckle up lads. I'll start naming soldiers before we launch though.
Gib me your names. I've already got the ones from
I'll start giving them all very """"Swedish"""" names if we don't get anymore in the next ten minutes.
Those sound like the average name modern Sverige
Godspeed /r/atheism
Jamal, Abdul, Sven
No Mike "AC/DC for LGBT" Pence?
No Sean "MSM Slicer" Spicer?
Good idea. Also Billy Herrington, Van Darkholme, Kazuya and Jirka :^)
You can add them yourself. Also Johnny Ricco, Will Smith, Alex Jones, Femshep and Gregor.
Two names left lads.
demifiend and iwata
Okay. That's all the names.
Healslut
The rest can be in reserve for the inevitable base defence.
Healslut
The rest can be in reserve for the inevitable base defence.
Fuck you slowwheels.
And now we begin. Who wants to take bets who will die on the first mission. Here's a hint. Trump and Atheism will be leading in the front.
If /r/atheism dies so does the hope for the humanity, regardless of aliens.
So. I made a terrible rookie mistake. I forgot to buy enough weapons for everyone. Looks like Abdul will be the ammo bitch for the mission.
/r/atheism will be our great grenadier. He may end up allah ackbaring but with Abdul also carrying nades, it will be fine I hope.
Why did you name a soldier "A-10"? It's fucking aircraft.
...
And zhe identifies as an aircraft, if you were in Canada you'd be jailed for your hate crime.
After a brief turn to let the smoke go up, we leave the skyranger and hope like hell we don't get shot from a fucktard sectoid. Luckily for us we didn't but we did end up spotting a sectoid. After a terrible shot from Jamal, Sven lit the fucker up with a rocket only to expose another sectoid.
It is highly illogical to arm spearchuckers. Also to stand in smoke.
Stream instead of just posting screenshots?
Sorry for my ignorance then. I'm just a stealth bomber passing by.
Turned that after Mike Pence moved into fill that fagayy full of lead, there happened to be another one of his fellow gay club barn attendees. It's fine as Pence did as he was born to do; slay the gay ayys away. Trump, not wanting his vice to upstage him joins in the gay slaying with Pence and takes down the other ayy. Hopefully there won't be anymore in their gay barn.
My internet's shit and I don't like streaming.
Where did you faggots come from and why didn't you lurk any?
...
With everything cleared and a sense of a grenade landing any moment to kill everyone we went the turn and spot a little gayy behind the barn. Mike Pence saying "Fuck that" he decided to rip open a hole in the wall and expose the little gray slithery shit. Unfortunate for Pence he ran out of TUs to finish off the cunt so Kazuya wanting to prove how much of a faggot Pence is; finishes off the sectoid. Pence is more than likely beyond mad at this point.
They didn't base the default hairstyle after him for no reason
Meanwhile, Billy and Darkholme go up to investigate the houses north, more than likely finding nothing but at least they get to wrestle in private for a little while.
With nothing really happening and not willing to over extend too much without TUs, the turn ends… only for Trump to get hit by an off-screen sectoid from the SE. However, Trump proves yet again that nothing can stump the Trump.
Pence, still furious from getting out-performed by a fag, lights up another slithery shit totaling his kill count to two. Alex Jones willing to help out Donald, proceeds to fire at the other alien. Only to get cucked by line of sight. Ignoring it, he just decided to shoot up the fence instead. Trump, deciding with his wise leaderships skills, calls back the team to withdraw until everyone has regrouped. Readying for the fight ahead against a single sectoid, /r/Atheism readies a grenade.
Meanwhile, the B-Team that got handed pistols, Johnny Ricco spots what he believes to be some kind of fucked up gray bug only to hit it squarely right in the forehead.
It's the Donald
During the next ayy turn, a gray condom missed all three of his shots. Luckily, Bill and Darkholme were ready to exchange fire. Although their suppressive fire wasn't that great, they did distract the ayy enough for /r/Atheism to land the perfect grenade, right at the little shit's feet.
However, all was not over yet as Alex Jones has found another one. With no hesitance, fires guns blazing only to hit the fucker with the second shot.
Knowing that ayy was going to die, everyong began to surround the UFO. Unforunately, the nade didn't blow up and didn't even kill the sectoid. The fucker proving he didn't want to die just yet, ran off like the little shit he is.
I'm gonna try speed this up a bit.
I can't wait for you to measure his brain power
While Alex moves up to find the annoying prick, Van Darkholme didn't want to give up his sniping experience just yet and manages not to hit him once, but twice and finishes off the sectiod. Finally, that ends the mission for X-COM.
Overall it was a pretty good mission. Trump and Pence are looking like to be our squad leaders and Sven is more than likely going to get cucked pretty hard by an Ethereal.
Back at base, I completely forgot I took the worst research path possible and started with laser weapons. Regretting my life at that point, I then began research on medkits for someone to become the dedicated healslut.
Sometime later, we discover yet another UFo. Luckily for us (or maybe not so much) it landed and we proceed to send out the skyranger. Let's hope it's not a fucking ambush.
As we came out of the Skyranger, Jirka manages to spot another one of those familiar faggots from the last landing. Missing his shot, the 'toid got sick of his shit and shot straight back at him, hitting him twice only for me to completely remember how reaction fire works. Although I managed to re-learn this lesson, it came at the expense of Jirka's life. He will be missed for doing absolutely fucking nothing. While morale is slowly deteriorating, the men bolt out of the skyranger as soon as possible. Only for the turn to end.
I'd like to think he died doing what he loved best.
While that mars loving faggot ran away, Abdul throws primes and throws a grenade onto the roof only for me to lose track where it went and not appearing on the roof. Scared and probably going to get half the squad killed, everyone backs the fuck off from the wall of the building, preparing themselves for the upcoming teamkilling that's about to be unleashed.
Thankfully, the grenade did not take out half the squad but my prediction of it landing on the ground was right. At least nobody else died yet. However, during X-COM Sweden's panic, they did managed to spot another sectoid on the first floor.
Knowing that the team have to breach the building, the Mighty Spank Force led by Mike Pence holds the newly opened rear entrance while A-10, /r/Atheism and Trump taking the lead hold their flank. And somewhere in there Sean Spicer managed to take Jirka's pistol.
During the alien's next turn, it didn't go so well. The roof ayy, finally wanting some of that X-COM ass finally kills Abdul like he rightfully deserves for being a retard. Unforunetly, Alex Jones managed to take a hit and is now bleeding. With no medkit, he may end up dying very soon.
As the Mighty Spank Force breach into the building, Kazuya takes fire from up the stairs. He didn't get shot but it did end up causing him to sweat, ruining his oiled skin. Not wanting to take second chances, the MPF set up camp, readying for the next turn.
Over at the Trump Death Squad, Jamal spots a gray nigger and puts a cap in his ass. Tonight he'll be eating fried alien. Nothing else really happens so moving on.
ASS. YOU. CAN.
Next turn. Everything goes wrong. Kazuya walks up the stairs only for him to run out of TUs mid way through the staircase. Realizing this that he's stuck, the rest of the men try to camp it out and hope like hell the sectoid doesn't come in to kill everyone.
Nope. We end up losing two people. They were brave men and I'm proud to have them in the Mighty Spank Force.
Knowing this is a bit of a cop out but I need to take a break and get some sleep. I'll hopefully be continuing sometime tomorrow.
We sure do. Thanks for trying OP, it sure reminded me of better times.
I hope it wasn't as bad as I think it is. Which it probably is even worse. At least I gave it a go. We'll see how shit goes tomorrow since I'm dedicated to keep this going.
Very theatrical with lots of vulgarity, gg OP.
Is he in someway related to John Ritter?
This would make sense for a pacifist run where you can only use stun rods and end up sending innumerable legions of swedes to be cut down with plasma fire as they rush to non-violently subdue the New Swedes.
Bonus: Have to keep building enough Alien Containments to keep all of the refugees safe since other countries will not treat them well.
I did that when I did nucom 2 for another board and named the guys after various drawfags and writefags as well as known mods and the BO. I'd stream the game for a few hours and then post screen cap highlights with some play by play for each post
COME THE FUCK ON
OP probably just woke up a few hours ago, and might be at work ATM. Be patient user.
Was it for /monster
Fuck that shit then.
Are you the same retard who plays once in a while and never finishes normally?
I so, don't forget to pack flares this time
He's dead Jim.
I'll be starting back up in about three hours. Sorry for the wait but I've had a bit of shit to do.
No. This is my first time.
Playing or just playing with Holla Forums?
The latter.
Oh shit, a stat boost page.
Well, that gives me an idea of what to do later today
Do tell.
Thirty minutes until we resume this shit show. We'll see what happens to the fate of the Mighty Spank Force.
Prep the popcorn and I'll need more names for the replacements.
Rodd Rokks, Randy Mercury, Freddy Barkwood, Dick Mountenjoy, Ronny Rection, Phil Chambers, Rod Sweat, Jack Shooter, Kurt Loader, Rick Dripps, Dick Seamen, "The Polish Hammer", Doug Holes, Cock of the Walk, Vinnie LaJoya, Sir Lance-a-lot, Dick Smothers, Jeremy Bolt, Mr. Pink, Ricky Rachtman, Cuthbert, Dave Handy, Harry Canyon, Richie Cunning Linguist, Bret Bulge, El Douche, Johnson Long, Ebineezer Screws, Buck Fitch and Arnold Swollenmember
Now we return back to the ground.
While Van Darkholme walks up the stairs (over the corpse of one of his friends) he manages to take a shot at the sectoid only to land one out of three. Thankfully for him, his wingman and wrestling rival Billy was covering him and finished off the fuck. While the mighty gay pair were doing their best, Sean Spicer walks out of the building to scout ahead only to get sniped by a reaction fired sectoid, ending his life.
Out in the covering team, Trump leads out to take the point only to get assassinated by a GRAY MALE, bleeding on the floor. As Trump bled out, his final word were "Build it and make the ayys pay for it." And so ended the life of our great leader. Thankfully, Mike Pence is still alive and willing to take up his partner's great dream.
Pretending to want some revenge and hoping to get some sweet white gurl pussy, Jamal tries but fails to kill the sectoid that so horribly took the president's life only for A-10 to come around the corner and return fire. Nothing else really happens this turn other than some more re-positioning (and tinkering with how I'm taking these screenshots) but on the aliens turn, we end up taking some more fire. Jamal, noticing that his nigger locks seem to be burning from a missed shot, ducks down only for Sven and Darkholme to panic. Darkholme must really be missing his dungeon.
Sean is in a better place.
Nothing really happens in the next round other than Jamal moving up to try and claim that white pussy he wants to grab but fucks up realizing he ran out of ammo as well as time. Alex Jones, with the burning desire to fuck all aliens, headshots the ayy from beyond visual range while screaming out. Mike Pence moves up to accompany Billy since Van Darkholme is practicing some solo bondage and nothing else really happens. Some noises come from UFO doors opening and closing so hopefully the last remaining ayy's in the UFO.
We can rebuild him. We have the technology. Faster. Stronger. Ten feet higher.
Nothing really happens during these next few turns other than finding another ayy on the second floor of another building. Sven's ready to just blow up the entire building as right now, we cannot take our time otherwise we'll end up losing Jones. I will say that /r/Atheism has been landing some incredibly well placed frag and smoke grenades unlike Abdul who's been useless the entire campaign so far.
i thought abdul had already died.
when will he strap 4 high explosives to his body and enter the ufo alone to blow it from inside out?
Advancing into the two story building, Jamal finds another one of those ayys. However as he has proven so far, niggers can't aim for shit. At least /r/Atheism has a valid reason for missing for carrying the Donald's sacred rifle. Just in time before they both can get their assholes probed, the A-10 comes in to do a bombing run on that shit eating sectoid. There's not much time left as Van Darkholme breaches into the UFo with Billy and Mike behind him. But as soon as he opens the door, two gray condoms come out to greet him. He soon gunned them down, finishing the mission.
Today's mission was a disaster, mostly due to me forgetting shit that I probably should have remembered but that's what I get for playing this again after not playing for such a long time.
He did die. Just up until his death he was useless. Poor choice of wording on my part.
As X-COM finally tries to take a break from these back-to-back landing sites, another one pops up only to piss off the commander even more. Loading everything back up even though we are running out of ammo and weapons due to the stores being full to the brim with worthless crap, the skyranger is sent out yet again to take on the alien menace… only for the UFO to fuck off. Great use of time.
At least a day later the stores were finally built and another one began to build immediately because fuck not having enough room. Another day later and all the ammo and consumables I need have arrived, saving me from the perpetual hell of giving the soldiers pistols and suicide vests. Also along with the equipment comes a shipment of new meatshields. Welcome aboard to the Refugee center new rookies.
I'll take a couple of names from you and wait a while for anyone else who wants to throw in a name.
Beef McHuge and Happy Merchant
Flint Ironstag
Abu
Zaboomafoo
Dr. Nefarious
Thanks for the suggestions. Looks like we got ourselves another UFO to intercept and probably going to end in slaughter. Here's the current roster and we have all the gear we need to do some what optimally.
I'm going to take a quick thirty minute break to get some food. After that we'll jump straight into the mission. Hope you've been all been enjoying my misery so far.
oh, femshep is still alive? i thought she had died at the first mission.
...
Since Trump is gone it's only natural for Barnie Sandals to take his place.
As we touch upon some random shit stain of a country, the team prepares themselves for breaching out of the skyranger only for Dick to get hit by a wild ambushing sectoid. Although he did not take a fatal wound from the hit but merely a graze. He'll be fine.
But as the team eventually did come out after a brief soiling of the undies, they see a sectoid, only for the Dick to try to exact his revenge with only one of his bullets penetrating the gray flesh of that shortstacked alien. Tag teaming, The Happy Merchant does what a jew does, get greedy and steal from the well deserved and finishes off the sectoid. Although all is calm for now, we know the position of one of sectoid and now it's the Might Spank Force's duty to clear out this darkness cloaked map.
Femshep was in reserves for the first two missions.
Oh my~
As Jamal walks out, proving to be the ultimate scout in the squad, manages to find another roof ayy. Jamal, calling out the spotted gray, /r/Atheism was willing to take care of the job, throwing a beautiful grenade right on top of the slimy shit. Although, not content with letting Atheism to cuck him, Jamal began to fire wildly, missing every shot which again proves that he is a fucking worthless nigger. I bet that Jamal lands one shot in this entire mission I will buy him a bucket of fried chicken on X-COM's tab. Beef McHuge seeing the nigger's incompetence manages to finish off the gray with one snap shot and laughs at the poor nigger for holding a gun in one hand while shouting out "muh dik", most likely attracting the attention of every ayy in the local vicinity.
Everyone secures the area and we move onto turn 3.
...
As we thought that everything was fine for now, /r/Atheism sees another ayy through the window the second floor, hiding the the darkness like the rats they are. Feeling rather smug, he grabs a grenade from his shoulder pocket and throws it through his newly opened rooftop and lands dead onto the sneaky shit. Smugness is just emanating off of him right now as the rest of the team move into their positions to secure the surrounding buildings. Nothing much happening here yet again other than /r/Atheism killing that 'toid but hey, we found the UFO.
Comes with the territory.
Although not much happened these few past rounds as the Might Spank Force is taking it slow (mostly due to the night), they did managed to clear some buildings. While the team that breached the two story house managed to secure the building, a sneaky sectoid did managed to greet himself to the jew. The merchant, feeling rather joyful decided to take the gray goy's life.
While team Spank move onto the left side, Van Darkholme peeked around the corner of the building to see another 'toid. Billy, wanting to protect his bitter rival came around with a water rifle and squirted the poor ayy with as much water as possible.
Team shock on the other hand cleared the barn and are now moving up to the west end of the map, clearing out any buildings left.
As the Mighty Spank Force moved inside the UFO, an ayy finally decided to face the glorious might of the humanity, behind a corner. Struggling with this annoying little piece of cover, the entire team that were able to fire managed to miss their shots, with Van Darkholme lighting up the entire area in a swathe of flame. The ayy, finally getting it's chance to fire back, managed to put Will Smith to sleep. I hope his last moments will be of his son. Wanting to take revenge, Gregor moves in for the kill, taking him out while everyone else prepares for a ambush for the last ayy.
However, the team that were investigating the barns to the west have finally finished their searching, finding jack shit and are now rushing back to aid the team. I highly doubt there were any other ayys left on the map anyway.
And I forgot to take screenshots. Fuck.
However, as the next turn rolled out, I realized I made a terrible mistake.
With the death of another two which was due to my lack of foresight, Dick Seamen rushed in blindly without thinking through his next actions and took revenge. The Vice President was laying cold dead along with the jew although the latter was still barely alive. As Dick came in to check if they were still alive, the jew held onto an something tight in the clutches of his hand. It was a single shekel.
Final report coming up next.
Well fuck. I was supposed to spoil those. Doesn't matter now.
That mission went on a lot better until the very end. Although there wasn't much really going on, /r/Atheism proves once again how much of a fantastic grenadier he is while the newly purchased weapons were of great help since I was able to rely (or the best you can with rookies) on everyone
to be able to competently shoot. A real shame at the end, I forgot how fucking awful UFO geometry is and sectoid's near-immunity to reaction fire.
Anyway, I might have one more mission if you faggots want to keep going or I can lay it down for now and come back another time.
one more
Coming back to base, we skip a few days and end up finishing our other general stores, living quarters and alien containment. One more order of 20 soldiers and 30 scientists later and we have laser pistols and medkits researched. Now the research is being split off between alien alloys to start making shekels like that great merchant told us and laser rifles so we can have something to deal with cyberdisks. However…
TERROR MISSION TIME
FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK
To safe to say, I think I'll leave it off for here for tonight. I've left the current roster for the next mission as well as a small glimpse at the next mission. And I can already tell I'm going to lose everyone if I don't already abort it.
I'll be coming back again tomorrow but I might be a bit earlier and do a couple more missions depending how well the Terror mission goes. Hope you faggots stay tuned in for the anal raping I am about to experience.
Brazil can go fuck itself, go back to the base.
huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
Fucking Brazil
FRICKING LASER BEAMS
Unless vanilla OXC changed those units pretty fucking drastically, a Reaper/Floater TM is EZPZ.
Now, if it were a Snakeman/Chryssalid TM, I'd be right there with you; fuck that noise until you get Flying Suits.
Also, when doing Floater/Reaper or Snakeman/Chryssalid TMs, don't forget the incendiaries; Reapers should take extra damage from incendiary attacks, and roasting Chryssalid zombies should keep them from spawning more 'Lids…. unless OXC changed that too.
Don't forget cyberdiscs