Yeah, I'm super sure. See the above.
I know your pain. It was a long, painful period for me too.
I don't know about you, but I work in a hardware store. It's not exactly full of the most towering intellects, you know? Mostly older people that have been working all their lives and can't be fucked to devote their time to reading or learning. What works for me though is just saying "So hey, I heard/read/learned this interesting thing the other day…" and just talk about what you've been reading. Most of the time people won't care too much, but sometimes you'll find people that are interested in that kind of thing. I've found people that listen to opera or like history or other things. You might not find the exchange especially deep or stimulating, but for me it was good practice for when I went out searching for people that shared my interests.
It's really tough though. Growing up, the whole school experience was intensely alienating and I didn't learn how to properly socialize (or at least fake it) until just recently, and I'm in my late 20s.
Nah dude. I used to work with this Bulgarian and he would always say "Life is short and hard," and I think it really can be. None of this stuff is easy, especially when you're left to just figure it out on your own in a broken society.
But if you keep trying I think you'll get there.
I know that feel homie. I intimately know that feel. Capitalism has fucked up pretty much the entire world and we're all going to have to put in alot of work to put things right.
But here's the thing my dude, you aren't inherently a shitty person. There's nothing defective about you that precludes you from having the confidence you want and dealing with your anxiety and self-hatred.
But it takes a lot of work to put yourself back together, and there's no certainty to when or if you'll ever be done. You aren't starting off from zero if you have people telling your you're smart and loyal and polite. Those are great qualities to have!
And what WILL make you a shitty person is if you spend your whole life wallowing in this self-defeating chads/stacys bullshit. People like that exist, but those aren't the people you want to pursue anyway.
So, dig this, about a year or two after I flunk out of university I'm back home, trying to figure out what to do with myself. After a bit I decide to take classes at my local community college. One of those classes was ancient history, which I just love.
One day I dress up real nice. Slacks, vest, button up, looking photoshoot fresh. The professor just happened to be late, and so I take my textbook, go up to the board and write my name up there. People start filing in and they're confused, but I just tell them I'm an adjunct filling in for So-and-so.
Of course they don't completely believe me because I was too young to really look the part, so they start quizzing me. Since I had the syllabus at hand I knew we were supposed to be starting on ancient Greece that day. So I go all into it, start talking about migration periods and Mycenae and Crete and all that good stuff.
It goes on for a good 15 minutes until the prof shows up and more people start to figure out that I'm just fucking around. He was sitting in the back listening to my "lecture" and even gave me a pat on the back and a "good job" as he took his class back.
A couple days later I'm in the library and a girl that I thought was way out of my league sits next to me and asks if she can borrow a pin. We start talking and we exchange numbers and eventually start dating. Turns out that she was in the class getting out just before mine and saw my little performance and even asked her professor "Who's that guy?"
I guess what I'm trying to say it, you have to take chances and put yourself out there, however you decide to do it. That means exposing yourself and maybe getting hurt, but sometimes when you reveal a piece of yourself with those around you it resonates with them and you make some surprising connections.
