OH NO NO NO NO

OH NO NO NO NO

(((them))) free first post

Kek.

So it's basically muh racism but with orcs instead of niggers to make it deep?

It's actually racialism: to be aware that races exist and have different pros-cons. Racism is actually a strawman for pretending the bad fame of niggers comes for prejudice, and not actual evaluation.

So elves = jews?

>Max Landis makes a movie about (((elves)))
>Suddenly (((women))) accuse him of sexual assault
Pretty much what you said.

>(((Max Landis))) makes a movie about (((Elves)))
Just correcting for accuracy. I feel like at some level this is Deus Ex and opposing factions of kikes are in a civil war.

I think you're going to keep dissecting this until someone really dissects this shit and why it's terrible. Before I do -for what, the fourth time? Let's establish right away, I have no specific animosity towards Max even if he is an enormous faggot who owes everything he has to nepotism.

What he's being accused of is horse shit. They're not even specifying he raped or assaulted anyone, their accusations boil down to "Here's a screenshot of him telling a borderline she needs help." and "I heard rumors he did bad stuff maybe!" Every single one of his accusers is both not speaking for themselves and a well-known liar and fanatic. Anna Akana is obsessed with rape and delusional, every word out of Zoe's mouth for at least the last decade has been a lie, theMarySue posts nothing but lies. Honestly, he probably has a good case for slander. Or is it libel? Whatever.

That out of the way, before breaking down the major issue with the film let me explain the formula for why it's shit:

-Max Landis has thus far not written a single good movie that I've seen. They're all based on using other people's ideas, and then tweaking them in ways that show a dramatic misunderstanding of the culture they're written for (Aside from Chronicle. I liked that one, which shocked me considering it's found footage, and considering Trenk had a massive meltdown immediately afterwards.) Victor Frankenstein tried to take a minor character who's defining traits are being ugly and stupid and make him a handsome and brilliant protagonist, American Ultra combined some extremely unpopular actors with "dude weed" humor which people have been sick of since at least the second Harold & Kumar movie. Dirk Gently takes the worst elements from the current writers of Doctor Who and packages them in a decidedly millenial package with every white male being wimpy and feminine while a crop of flat chested girls with stupid hair are tough as nails and brave. So to start with, his name inspires no confidence.

Then the movie is directed by David "I wish I was fucking black" Ayer, king of the fucking Juggalos. Every fucking thing he makes is about the god damned hood, and he writes dialog like he's never met a single black person or mexican in his entire life. "It's cool dawg, I'm for reals holmes." Fuck off. As soon as I saw his name I knew this was going to be more "black criminals are so cool" garbage.

Then you have a lead who wore out his welcome around the time "I whip my hair back and forth" came out. The moment he started taking himself too seriously and decided he needed to be a serious actor ala Jim Carrey, he became completely unlikable. Since then virtually every performance has been completely beyond him. He was good in The Pursuit of Happyness, but his desire to make his kids famous and his wife's dumb decisions as well as his penchant for black savior roles have ruined him. I guess it's true, parents just don't understand.

The only angle you have left to push is a "sexy" dime a dozen taller than average foreign born blonde with a flat chest, fridge body and manjaw. This describes ninety percent of the women in Hollywood. Here's a tip, bring out a fashion designer and ask him if the girl is someone he'd consider as a model. If he says yes, it's because his clothes will "hang better on her" and you shouldn't hire her because there's nothing sexy about her.

As for the plot itself? First off, urban fantasy is shit. It's always shit. It will always be shit. Supernatural, Buffy, Angel, Charmed, Special Unit 2, Harry Potter, all shit shit shit. The closest to getting it right I've seen is Shadowrun, and that's not urban fantasy, it's cyberpunk fantasy.

On top of that, the plot is a rehash of Alien Nation. I can name other examples -including fucking ZOOTOPIA- but Alien Nation is the most fitting right down to the "first ____ cop in history!" looking the same.

The final issue though is Orcs being portrayed as a metaphor for blacks and Elves as a metaphor for Jews. In virtually every work of fiction (with the exception of Warhammer) Elves are a good race. Secretive, but in many cases they're essentially angels on Earth. Orcs on the other hand may as well be demons. In Tolkien's novels they're Elves which have been corrupted and warped into evil abominations. In other universes the story is the same. Men created from pigs, biological weapons meant to wipe out all life who could take over everything if they weren't constantly killing eachother. Using them as racial metaphors is flat out saying directly to the audience "Jews are your saviors, Blacks are demons."

Your movie doesn't work on any level.

It's an allegory for how (((they))) have manipulated society and make the niggers nig out. It's no coincidence that the kikes were behind both the liberation-movements of blacks in the USA in the 60's and in South Africa in the 90's.

It’s half correct, then. That’s better than most movies.

Wouldn't they either be goblins or dark elves? Not in this specific movie or anything because I have no idea what it is about but just in general.
Whites would be elves for being the least retarded/savage race. Kikes, arabs, (high-caste) pajeets and other dark-skinned caucasians would be dark elves for being a shittier version of pure elves. Niggers would be orcs for being savage beasts that can only destroy, not create due to being retarded. Asians would be some sort of dwarf hivemind.

Which half is true then? Because recall, this piece of shit movie also has Will Smith as a reincarnation of King Arthur who can wield Excalibur.

Goblins are Latinos, they're the chihuahuas of the fantasy world. They're small, loud, pick fights, underhanded and good cutthroats and thieves, reproduce quickly and rely on strength in numbers, but if you befriend one despite his nature he'll be your bro for life.

Orcs were created from scum to be bestial savages who would kill everyone if they didn't hate eachother. Half-orcs always have a massive superiority or inferiority complex.

Elves are Japs. Bound by honor, but secretive and mistrustful of outsiders, they're obsessed with gaining knowledge and more advanced than the other races, but they're dying out and leaving this world behind them.

Dwarves are Russians. Strong and stout, heavy drinkers, work well with mining and metal but tend towards greed and amassing wealth to the extent that it attracts others to steal their riches.

Hobbits or Halflings make ideal thieves. They're tiny and agile, curious and quick-witted, but have a tendency towards obesity as they favor food, drink and parties above all else. This innocent simple-mindedness makes them somewhat harder to corrupt. They like outsiders, but have no interest in the outside world.

I'm not even Holla Forums here, but working off their view of Jews, I'd say the closest fantasy race parallel would be Djinn. Few in number, proclaim to be slaves but possess infinite power, serve as the adversary tempting those who find them with riches beyond their imagining, but always using their desires to screw them over.

Then one could analyze Gnomes, Trolls, Faery, Merfolk, Stygians, Werewolves, Hawkmen, Kobolds, Giants, Cyclops, etc.

Clearly you aren’t Holla Forums, since Jews posess no innate power. The best match for Jews is Skaven - odious rats who betray each other, are ugly and malformed, and pose an existential threat to everything.

But the skaven rely on strength in numbers and reproduce quickly. Jews are what, 2% of the population?

Jews have overwhelming swarms where it counts. They ‘breed’ by replacing whites in power positions with fellow tribesmen whenever they get a chance.

Look at this faggot. Also your review isn't a review.

It's not a bad movie. It's not a great movie either but it's a decent popcorn flick.

I never said it was a review, I said I was breaking down why it was garbage I had no interest in seeing.

And urban fantasy is objectively shit. Go on, provide an example of it not being shit that you're not afraid of being eviscerated specifically for it's shittiness. Bonus: Can't be an obscure, trashy novel series with a romance focus.

Vampire in Brooklyn was pretty good.

I think he just wanted to make a shadowrun movie without the license. He also lacked the world building and subtlety with Alien Nation since it's a movie instead of a series.

Also, with the mention of Shrek and Will Smiths involvement, I believe this is a prequel to I Am Legend.

So you didn't even watch it, lol.


Highlander, Gremlins, Harry Potter, Ghostbusters, Blade, The Crow, Hellblazer, Hellboy, Percy Jackson, The Books of Magic, Shin Megami Tensei.

Great post.

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stop posting, my famalam.

I'm saying *why* I have no interest in watching it. Max has previously expressed bewilderment at people not enjoying his projects. I was trying to provide insight into why they keep tanking. But he'll keep writing movies where white men are weak and frail looking, the "sexy" female leads are flat chested fridges, diversity is a focus, reuses others ideas in insulting ways and completely misunderstands what audiences want in a movie.

Debatable if it's fantasy since in most versions they're aliens dropped on Earth and use futuristic technology. On top of that, most of the franchise is terrible.

Horror.

Total shit.

Supernatural comedy

Most of these are supernatural rather than fantasy. Completely separate category. They're also all based on comic books, some of them are *still* terrible, and in the only case you have an argument for it being fantasy, Hellboy, it's also largely supernatural with a heavy dose of lovecraftian elements. Supernatural and lovecraft work in modern settings because they're typically written in a modern setting. Lovecraft wrote most of his stories as taking place when he wrote them.

Horrendous. Just assume I hate everything by Neil Gaiman.

Not movies or tv shows, these are video games and there's a lot more going on here than simple fantasy. It's more mythological than anything with every god and demon being portrayed as real. Heavy paranormal, heavy sci-fi.

Damn, now I have to watch this, and I don't like Will Smith. Will be disappointed if no Elf rape.

Were you really scared during Gremlins?

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When I was like six years old, sure. It's a family horror film though, they're meant to be scary for little kids.

It was an alright buddy cop flick, as long as I ignored the basic anti-white messages I enjoyed it a fair bit. Probably won't ever bother to rewatch it though.

Go looking at the birthrates in Israel.

Here's my setup:

Oops I meant half-breeds for spics

Halflings and Hobbits are the same race. Why would Japs be Goblins? Goblins aren't terribly bright.

Elves are northern europeans, scandinavians, they were the inspiration in the first place.
Orcs are nigs.
Dwarves are jews.
Hobbits are the irish, small, lazy, idle, thieves.

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From that image it makes it look like they stole the orcs/elves rapefugee meme from Holla Forums and reversed it to make negroids the innocent.

Jews don't "make" anything

FTFY

True.
Dwarves was kangz.

Fuck you. Goblins are Jews.

Fuck you again.

Is there any film, book or game where dwarves aren't either extinct, nearly extinct or going extinct?
I'm sick of seeing nothing but ruins.

Dwarves are a dead end race. Not adaptable enough and too stubborn to change a losing strategy.

because mountain fortresses will never last
fuck off Elf it it aint broke dont fix it

Also, it's no wonder they are going extinct considering what their women look like. Not everyone is Holla Forums and salivating at the thought of fucking a tranny.

My guess is they just kept digging deeper and became NEETs, away from the bright light of the unfriendly surface world.

Only if your experience with fantasy starts and ends with World of Warcraft.

Goblins are nothing like Jews in every other setting.

it's usually because they are shown to have very, very low reproductive rates, almost never interbreed with other races, and live long enough that they don't feel the need to reproduce rapidly, then they start having territory and resources stolen by rapidly breeding races.

Orcs 'breed' the fastest.
I wonder if Gandalf frequented hobbit prostitutes.

In LotR, they don't breed at all. There are no female Orcs.

There's also nothing to suggest Wizards even have reproductive organs, they're quite literally angels in that setting.

Oh and before you go there, surprisingly Tolkien actually specified that Elves can't be raped. I know, I know, but he said should someone attempt to rape one their spirits instantly leave their body and their bodies dissolve into light or dust or whatever.

To be honest, seems like a pretty glaring weakness to me.

That a hazy question. The initial concept for Orcs is they were soulless constructs, but Tolkien abandoned that. I think Tolkien said female Orcs existed in a letter. Certainly if they were warped Elves they had warped Elf Females they bred with. Evil could only corrupt, not create.

Critics also liked Shit Wars, fuck 'em.

There had better be. Any fantasy setting where you can't get raped by /fit/ female orcs is not worth getting into.

Your desires are self-defeating. If you want to be raped then you consent to it and therefor can't be raped.

Do they reform, or just evapourate?
In which case, wouldn't it be easier just to rape them all instead of using swords and such.
I didn't like how quickly and easily the elves died in the big battle in lord of the rings either.
They didn't seem special at all - and mainly it was to do with tactics.
Surely having lived for thousands of years, they should know to stand further from the wall and just fire arrows, instead of standing waiting to be killed.

/monster/ is a testament to how wrong you are, sir.

Why would orcs be mating with humans?
In fantasy orcs are generally much larger and stronger than humans, so a female orc would probably he stronger than the average male human.
Why would they want to mate with a lesser male?

I think this is incorrect. Elrond’s wife was ‘diminished in spirit’ and left, an allusion to a rape by Orcs. I don’t think it was an instantaneous thing.

Ah.
Emotional, not a physical event.

It might be both, I think the idea is you couldn’t have an Elf sex slave or anything. They would eventually fade away.

Max Landis is obnoxious and self-absorbed.
Praise the ideas presented in the movie, but don't idolize or compliment him.

Humans are smarter, so a orc/human hybrid might get the brawn of the orcs and the brain of the humans.

No no, he was specific. If you try to rape an Elf, they die:


The only contradiction is a single evil Elf who has a passage that describes him as "taking a wife by force" but he backpeddles this later in the story and says she was willing and seduced through magical enchantments.

It's not just that Elves can't rape, they can't commit adultery evil. And beyond that he specifies they only want to fuck until they have kids, then they lose all interest. He states that for a period of one or two hundred years they're all about fucking, then once they've had a few kids the interest leaves them and they become fixated on pursuit of knowledge. They still look back fondly on the sex they had, however. Also Elves don't frown on relationships with the other races, they just see it as masochistic and tragic because invariably their mate will die before them and they will spend the majority of their life alone with strangers.

Do you think orcs give a fuck about brains?
Let me ask you this, do female nigs have sex with white guys so their kids are smarter?

Elves really are Scandinavian whites. They're exceptionally tall, somewhat androgynous (there's only one recorded male Elf with a beard) and virtually all tasks are divided equally between the sexes with both being equally capable of everything. The closest to a gender difference seems to be "female elves make bread, but male elves delight in cooking." He specifically states their only difference is in their genitals.

Subsequently they're dying out, accept their fate, and offer their women up to other races tearfully.

Any idea why elves are so disappointingly easily killed, despite being immortal and featherweights.

I think every sentient lifeform would pick a mate that would result in the best possible offspring, so yes, I do think orcs would want their children to both strong and smart.

Negresses with the highest IQ and an education to tend to pick white guys, or at least non-niggers for their mates.

Sheboons will go for white guys any chance they get.

Orc women in general are like Orc men, they want to conquer a sexual partner. A strong, healthy, clean Human male is a good breeding partner. The child will be strong, ferocious, and smart.

They're not. Especially the ones who have set foot on Valinor.

The elves are basically super aryans. They are the best warriors and craftsmen there is. The weak elves come from derivative stuff and mainly RPGs which had to balance the races and thus often a made elevs squishy archers. Tolkien elves are something entirely different.

I mean from what I saw of Lord of the Rings itself, during battles - only Legolas seems to stand out. The ones on the wall die like flies. Is this inaccurate in the film?
Elves as human sized came about directly from Tolkein, everything else is derivative.
Before that in folklore, they were small, mischevious creatures, halfway between a gnome and a pixie.

Nope, the elves aren't there at all in the books. And I know about alfar and faeries, but the fantasy genre used Tolkien elves as a template.

Would have been better had the elves not gone there then. Made them look like nothing special and were sacrificed for nothing.

Not necessarily true. Men are in general stronger than Elves, but shorter lived and less dextrous.

The Numenorians (Men with some Elvish blood) were so powerful that they curbstomped Sauron while he had the One Ring and they were such a threat to the Valar that God had to be called in to stop them.

Hackson just wanted to have elves there because he thought they were cool. They don't work at all in Helm's Deep though, as with many of his changes and additions. By necessity it both cheapen them and it messes with the larger narrative and its themes.

Now it was some time since I last read The Silmarillion but I'm pretty sure elves were stronger than men.

In Harry Potter, the jews of wizard society were goblins.

Yeah, but Harry Potter is shit and their portrayal of elves is basically an allegory for magical slave negroes.

No, those are goblins. Elves in Harry Potter are gud magical slave niggers Harry wants to set free.

Shit I'm a fucking idiot that can't read. Ignore my post.

Do you think Harry got Dobby to blow him?

I think he had to order him to stop.