THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN - THREAD #3 - IT'S REIGNING (super)MEN!

Nathan Reyes
Nathan Reyes

THREAD #1 - THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN THREAD #2 - FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND

THE STORY SO FAR - Superman's dead, everybody's sad, and pa kent was so sad that he fucking died.

Now we begin the next part of The Death of Superman. The first part was his death, the second was his burial, and third, like Jesus, is his resurrection.
I'm talking of course about
REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN!

REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN (which is named after "The Reign of the Superman", a story Superman creators Jerry Siegal and Joe Schuster attempted to publish before hitting on Superman) begins with ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #500, where Pa Kent goes on a spirit journey to save Superman's soul.

Jayden Collins
Jayden Collins

You can tell it's an important issue because because it has a regular cover and a LENTICULAR cover! Highly prized by collectors at the time, and now universally reviled!

Back in SUPERMAN #77 (>>944916) I said that Pa Kent died. Well, turns out I was wrong. He was dead for only three months. Now Pa Kent is merely "not dead yet".

Boy, imagine all those guys who read SUPERMAN#77 only to read this one. I bet they felt duped or something.

Parker Richardson
Parker Richardson

As Pa Kent sees his boy in the afterlife and then tries to bring him back to the living, part of me is considering what DC is trying to pull here. We know now that Superman wasn't dead at all during the Death of Superman, so is this really happening or is this the delusions of a dying man?

We cut back to Metropolis and Gangbuster. I continue not to give a single shit about Gangbuster.

Bentley Adams
Bentley Adams

Oops, turns out Gangbuster busted up a police sting operation! Way to fuck that up Gangbuster!

I hope both you and your shitty Batman dialogue boxes go to hell.

Dylan Wood
Dylan Wood

Speaking of afterlife abodes, Pa Kent continues his journey to find his boy. As he does, he encounters all of the horrors he saw during Vietnam the Korean War. It might look like Vietnam, with the thatch buildings and the casualties, but it's Korea.

As I consider that post-crises Pa Kent is in late fifties, early sixties, Pa Kent finds his brother Harry who died years before by "falling under the thresher machine". I think the writer means a "combine harvester", otherwise Harry's cause of death doesn't make sense.

Bentley Turner
Bentley Turner

The Prankster hates the Turtle Boy show. I know pre-crises Prankster was a goofy villain, but what did he do post-crises that got him sent to the big house? From the way he talks about his time as a children's tv host, I can only imagine he got locked up for diddled kids.

Lucky for the Prankster, Jimmy is too sad to play Turtle Boy, and back at Smallville, Lois and Ma Kent are sad too because Pa Kent is fucking dying.

Owen Baker
Owen Baker

In the mysterious afterlife, Pa Kent encounters demons who make him strange offers for his soul. He says nuts to that and then finds himself in DC's off-brand version of Marvel's Infinity, Kismet.

Also, Kismet isn't nearly as cool as Infinity.

John Williams
John Williams

Blaze isn't as cool as Mephisto either.

Colton Rodriguez
Colton Rodriguez

After falling through a cosmic woman's naked body, Pa Kent finds himself on Krypton, where also finds his son, carried along in a strange Kryptonian death ritual. Actually, they're demons tricking Superman's soul into hell. I think.

All I know that any ritual that involves a talking albino ape man is probably up to no good.

Isaiah Sanders
Isaiah Sanders

Gangbuster pulls himself out of the water and downs another man's bottle of sauce like the jobless bum he is, and Superman's soul figures out "Hey, these guys are demons" and knocks the shit out of them.

Then he flies his pa away because they ain't gonna be dead no more.

Easton Rogers
Easton Rogers

That albino ape man is an actual character

You're killing me DC.

Jacob James
Jacob James

These comics were really ahead their times!

Cooper Thomas
Cooper Thomas

Before Superman and Pa Kent can cross into the black, obviously sinister void, Superman's alien ghost dad stops them. Then Superman's kinda ghost dad beats his ghost dad to death with a ghost shovel.

On the other side, Pa Kent awakens! He cries out that he's brought Superman back to life! With Pa's condition stabilized, Lois takes the next flight back to Metropolis. On her way, she sees a bright red streak shoot past her plane.

Which she dismisses as another superhero because there are so many superheroes in the DC Universe now. That observation makes me question what made Superman "super" in the first place.

Grayson Moore
Grayson Moore

Reports fill the airwaves of Superman! Lois checks the tomb and it's empty! Just like Jesus!

With that story over, we cut to a Metropolis gang-war where one side has guns so powerful that they fucking blast niggers in two. We're introduced to Rabbit, who runs the big fucking gun market in Metropolis, selling "Toast-Masters" to gangs on the street.

Everything about the last paragraph, including the design of Rabbit herself, is way too fucking cool to be in this shit.

Dylan Ortiz
Dylan Ortiz

The gang war awakens a hidden darkness! Up from the ground rises the biggest, blackest nigger ever to live! A big black nigger hungering to stop Doomsday!

In the dingy allies of Metropolis, another Superman shows up to burn the ass off a car thief. He wears sunglasses at night and gives no fucks.

Brandon Russell
Brandon Russell

In Cadmus's secret facility, something they've been working on has broken free! They were able to salvage some of Superman's DNA to clone, but the results refused to obey! Rescued by the Newsboy Legion, free to walk among us is Superboy DON'T CALL HIM SUPERBOY, DAD!

Was the spandex and earring part of the project? Because if so, that raises a lot of questions of what Cadmus was trying to create with Superman's DNA.

Andrew Diaz
Andrew Diaz

And finally, we have a Terminator Superman. Why anyone would believe a skull-faced robot is Superman is beyond me.

Benjamin Lewis
Benjamin Lewis

Also, because this was a special poly-bagged issue, we get fun things like a poly-bags and a skytop card. Compared to the swag people got for Superman #75, this is incredibly disappointing. Even more disappointing is that the skytop card is advertising DC's Bloodlines event.

The REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN is upon us. Stay tuned for the next issue where Superman (?) says "Fuck the Police" and brings Metropolis his own brand of justice!

Levi Flores
Levi Flores

So which one is best Not-Supes, Holla Forums? Giga Nigger, Robot, Superboy, or Zapman?

Logan White
Logan White

First pic

Do I mention how I love Shades Superman?

Ethan Foster
Ethan Foster

In order: Shades Superman, Superboy, Iron Man with a Hammer and finally Cyborg.

Jordan Evans
Jordan Evans

Black Iron Man is the best character and does the best job of honoring Superman's legacy.

Benjamin Sullivan
Benjamin Sullivan

This guy gets it. Although Supergroid loses points due to that horrible movie with Shaq.

Christopher Hernandez
Christopher Hernandez

It's ACTION COMICS #687, the secret origin of Shades Superman!

Hot dog! We get two covers and a poster!

Justin Carter
Justin Carter

Deep under the arctic ice, Herbie looking robots are hard at work reviving Superman! The fact they're speaking "Kryptonese" makes me smile. "Kryptonese" was the pre-crisis language of Krpyton, replaced post-crisis with "Kryptonian". You can actually find guides on learning how to speak Kryptonese.

By the power of strange alien science, the Man of Steel is reborn! As an electric ghost. Is this a prelude to Superman Red and Blue?

Oh man, I remember that rock candy.

Caleb Torres
Caleb Torres

Remembering his own death, electric ghost Superman vows to return to save the world! Speeding across the world, he arrives at his own tomb to molest his dead body and regain his amazing powers!

Made corporal once again, things are now so bright, Superman needs to wear shades! Really, he needs to wear shades. He's now got eye problems.

Christopher Taylor
Christopher Taylor

IT AIN'T NO GAME!

Bibbo decides to become Superman, and the "real" Superman trains with his new powers in the Fortress of Solitude. Seeing Metropolis in havoc, he knows its time to once again to fly into action!

Robert Harris
Robert Harris

BOOM! THIS AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S SUPERMAN! HE'S GOT A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY ON CRIME AND HE'S NOT AFRAID TO PUT NIGGERS IN THE GROUND!

COMPLY OR DIE!

Aaron Roberts
Aaron Roberts

Every time I see a page with comic prices on it, its fills me with both nostalgia and pain. It takes me back to my childhood, when comics were new and interesting, but also Solar: Man of the Atom #10 cost 75 fucking dollars.

With Shades Superman on the case, it throws LexCorp into chaos. It also starts a case of WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS and needless thought balloons that the writer Roger Stern is known for. Really, do we need to know the thoughts of the LexCorp guards that are unable to stop Supergirl?

Supergirl is upset that she didn't know about Superman's return, when really everyone was caught with their pants down, including Luthor. Speaking of pants, I can only imagine the artist drawing that butt shot on page 34 with a sly grin, and then the inker inking it with a sly grin.

Back on the streets, Shades Superman stops a plane from crashing into Metropolis, and we get even more inane throught balloons. Shades sees Lois and flies off with her so we can get even more inane thought balloons.

Ayden Howard
Ayden Howard

Hey, look, an ad for a comic book signing at Mile High Comics. You've got the assholes behind this heap, but you've also got Gil Kane, Julius Swartz, and the once and future Superman artist, Curt Swan. Poor Curt Swan. After thirty years of working on Superman, he was unceremoniously shit-canned in 1986, which lead to the collapse of his personal fiances, his marriage, and led to Swan drinking himself to death in 1996.

Back to the story. Why the fuck won't Roger Stern just let the fucking artist do their work? We don't need a fucking paragraph of needless thought bubbles. It doesn't do shit to progress the story. Sorting though all those words, Shades tells Lois that Clark is no more, it's only Super Shades from now on!

CRIMINALS BEWARE THE JUSTICE OF SUPER SHADES!

Owen Parker
Owen Parker

Finally, we get our poster, and the promise of Super Shades beating the shit out of Guy Gardner. I know I look forward to it.

Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where we deal with fucking SUPERSTEELNIGGA!

Robert Bailey
Robert Bailey

I'm getting Azbats vibes from Supershades.

Is he a critique of fan's complaints that Superman isn't edgy enough?

Brandon Reed
Brandon Reed

Yes.

Kevin Perez
Kevin Perez

Man I love looking at those old comic ads. I'd always want to order from Entertainment This Month, but we were poor.

Those fucking Valiant prices sweet jesus.

Jonathan Gomez
Jonathan Gomez

It's kind of funny how DC spent two arcs taking the piss out of edgy fans, only to capitulate to them later on.

Nathan Hughes
Nathan Hughes

later on
not in the comic where Superman gets beaten to death by the Hulk?

Samuel Ross
Samuel Ross

What do you mean? The Dominus arc?

Juan Morales
Juan Morales

Thanks user

Connor Hernandez
Connor Hernandez

After enduring the mind-numbing boredom that was "Funeral for a Friend", I finally get back to the ridiculous shit I wanted out of this event.

Superman: The Man of Steel goes from Steel (who has a passing resemblance to Shaq) telling some young niggas the legend of John Henry to one of those niggas GETTING REDUCED TO A FUCKING SKELETON, in the span of three pages. Reduced to a skeleton by drive-by gang-bangers possessing transcendent levels of dakka.

Aw yeah. I've got a feeling this shit's gonna' be good.

Mason Gomez
Mason Gomez

Look at that smouldering skeleton on the sidewalk. That's some fucking Mars Attacks levels of brutality there. If Superman books want to deal with gun violence, that's the Superman level of gun violence I expect.

Is Steel gonna take that shit? Fuck no. He runs down the fucking car, breaks their fucking gun with his nigger strength, and has to be dragged against a fucking brick wall by a fucking car before he lets go. That whole scene is the reason /pol/ is fucking afraid of niggers.

In the hospital, Steel tells a young nig about how Superman saved his life from a fall. Already this early in the comic, I'm convinced Steel would've survived a fall from whatever height. The man's a giganigga.

Robert Powell
Robert Powell

Superman saves Steel's life and is like "make your life count, bro". Steel took that shit to heart, and later, when Superman was getting his ass-kicked by Doomsday, Steel was gonna risk his neck to save him with only his bare hands. An explosion to the face is the only thing that stopped him.

Most people after running down a speeding car, getting hit by that car, and then dragged against a building for several feet would have broken bones and numerous internal injuries. Not fucking Steel. Nigga's already back on the streets, looking to purge his neighborhood of gun violence.

Purge it by become a fucking Iron Man.

Justin Torres
Justin Torres

Those greasy Sharks come by Steel's place to fuck him up, but they don't know fire has no effect on him now. He's gone from "kinda invincible" to "completely invincible", and he's going to use that invincibility to protect his neighborhood.

Lois Lane meets up with an old boyfriend who I could care less about, and Luthor finds out there are now four fucking Supermen now. Look at his face. Luthor is fucking shitting his pants.

Isaac Reyes
Isaac Reyes

By "purge the streets of gun violence", I meant it. Steel tracks down the low-level gun dealers and fucking scares the blackness right out of them.

Beware gun runners! Steel's going to drive his hammer right up your ass!

Gavin Perez
Gavin Perez

The guns not only blow people in half/ reduce them to a skeleton, but are literally called "Toastmasters". That's not a street name, but the actual name for the guns themselves. Guns packing so much dakka that even the US military passed on them. Guns that Steel designed.

Just as this shit got real, some nice spandex covered booty gets a bead on Steel. A booty that knows all about him. Shit just got personal.

Jeremiah Martin
Jeremiah Martin

The "White Rabbit" decides to plug the leak than take out Steel. Steel's got value, both to her and to Luthor. Can Steel be bought? Or is he a real deal steel nigga?

Levi Morales
Levi Morales

As you take in Pa Kent's shock that his son is now a nigger, stay tuned for the next exciting issue of this event where this event crosses over with another event, and it's probably as stupid as it sounds.

Mason Martinez
Mason Martinez

Hold up. From the way she's drawn, White Rabbit looks like she's supposed to be black. Is this the colourist fucking up, or is she supposed to be an albino?

Levi Carter
Levi Carter

She's albino. The pink eyes give it away.

Jace Jones
Jace Jones

All this set-up that John H. Irons is possessed by the spirit of Superman

I can hear the 90's fanboys screeching that they race swapped the Man of Steel through the time barrier.

Daniel Wright
Daniel Wright

I thought John was inspired by Supes…

Jordan White
Jordan White

"Fog. Angels and Demons. I think my grandaddy. He didn't want me to die. Funny…I must've been a little out of my head, 'cause I clawed my out, still thinking I had to stop Doomsday."
"I knew all along Superman would return. And now he has. Not necessarily in his own body, of course. Have you ever head of a walk-in spirit?"

The seeds are there. If click-bait was around in the 90's, there would be mountains of articles saying Superman is now Black.

Ryan Bell
Ryan Bell

YO DAWG! WE PUT AN EVENT IN YOUR EVENT SO YOU CAN EVENT WHILE YOU EVENT!

SUPERMAN: THE MAN OF STEEL ANNUAL #2 features Steel, and BLOODLINES. Oh boy Bloodlines, a plot about aliens who suck out people's spinal fluid and some of those people get super-powers. It's a whole event to inject some EXTREME into the DC Universe by introducing a bunch of superheroes that were mostly rip-offs of better superheroes. Nearly all of them were unsuccessful and quickly forgotten.

Enough about that, we've got a comic to read! We've got a fucking bone ship crashing in the woods full of phallic, horse-skull looking aliens! Careful looking at them, because they're edgier than the sharpest obsidian!

Thomas Wright
Thomas Wright

I guess they eat a bunch of bikers. I don't know, it's really not clear. Then they decide that big monster looking aliens are kinda conspicuous, so they take on human form. Except for the one that decided he needed a flaming head. He needed to stand out like a fag.

The red bitchy alien says "fuck you guys", hops on a bike and heads to Metropolis. There we're introduced to mother fucking STEEL lifting weights with some pansy ass who's probably going to get eaten by the edgomorphs. STEEL, however, is no pansy. He protects kids in the streets and tells them to stay in school.

Oliver Allen
Oliver Allen

So the edge lord gets to work solving Metropolis's homeless problem by sucking out bum's spinal fluids. As the slurping is going on, Steel's dingbat neighbor gives pansy-ass boy's mom a bad tarot card reading. It's a bunch of bullshit so STEEL can go out and bust some alien nigga's heads.

Jose King
Jose King

Let this be a lesson. Bitches always cause trouble. Pansy tries to help a bitch and she turns out to be a giant red skull alien that sucks out his spinal fluid. Anons better steer clear of bitches and keep all of their precious fluids.

However STEEL, being the awesome nigger he is, already senses trouble without the need for fortune telling nonsense. Being a real nigger from the streets, he is naturally attuned to the subtle changes in his hood' and knows something is up.

Colton Young
Colton Young

I turns out, our pansy friend isn't dead! A strange reaction occurred when the alien came into contact with him! He's been given super-powers!

He becomes A GUY COVERED WITH KNIVES. HIS SUPERPOWER IS KNIVES. Shit don't get more nineties than that.

Jayden Bell
Jayden Bell

STEEL shows up and wonders what all those monster niggas are doing with that pile of dead bodies. Meanwhile, Pansy ass knife guy's mom is worried, he hasn't come home yet. His little brother sneaks out to bring him home!

Back in the sewer, STEEL finds out that even with his nigger strength, the alien horse head edge lord is just too OP!

Mason Hernandez
Mason Hernandez

The only way he'd be more 90s is if he had a leather jacket and one pierced ear.

Parker Stewart
Parker Stewart

Big Red runs away, leaving STEEL no other option than chasing down Stabby McCantremembershit. STEEL tackles him to the pavement and it turns out Stabby's knives are so sharp, they can cut fucking metal. And he has a bunch of them, just growing out of his body.

Meanwhile, Big Red's got a thing for red headed children like Stabby's brother. What I mean is, Stabby's brother is going to be skull monster chow.

Chase Walker
Chase Walker

And he has a bunch of them, just growing out of his body.

Super sharp, bladed cat penis.

Joseph Hill
Joseph Hill

STEEL works hard for his friends. He gets Stabby to calm down and then makes him call his mom to tell her he's alright.

Stabby might not remember his mom, or anything else from his life, but STEEL isn't going to let that poor old lady worry herself to death.

Eli Torres
Eli Torres

Literally wrapping himself with barbed wire

Holy fuck.

Brandon Thomas
Brandon Thomas

STEEL hears Stabby's little brother cry out. Aw shit, not that little nigga too. He's gonna get eaten by Big Red! Get all his spinal fluids drained out of him like a Capri-Sun pouch!

Well not if STEEL and Stabby have anything to say about it!

Henry Price
Henry Price

STEEL puts all of his nigger fury into every pound of his hammer, and Stabby? Well Stabby just throws those knives. Throws those knives, and somehow doesn't closeline his little forgotten brother in half with his razor arms.

However, try as they might, BIG RED IS JUST TOO OP!

Eli Miller
Eli Miller

Only by Steel and Stabby combining their powers are they finally able to drive back Big Red into the scummy shadows where she belongs!

After sharing the carefullest of hugs, Stabby's little brother says that Stabby can become a hero! You know, Stabby, the guy with incredibly sharp knives covering his entire body. Being a hero and saving people. With his knife body. HO HO HO HO. An amused STEEL puts his arms around his boys and says "let's go home!"

Big Red licks her wounds in an alley, but fuck her. We're done with her. Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where we meet a very boring cyborg, and somebody comes back from the dead.

Wyatt Scott
Wyatt Scott

Thanks man.

Ayden Perry
Ayden Perry

Beep Boop, time for boring cyborgs.

So far we've had Shades Superman, motherfucking STEEL, and now it's time to endure Cyborg Superman. You'd be surprised how they take a rocking idea like a cyborg Superman and make it so bland and redundant.

Let's get this shit started. SUPERMAN #78 opens with rain and high-school level metaphor. Lois is still very sad about Superman being dead, but now I'm starting to question how much time has passed in the comic between Superman's death and now. It feels like all this shit happened in the span of a week.

Grayson Wilson
Grayson Wilson

A shadowy picture is all Lois needs to believe that Superman is alive. Fuck the other Supermen, this must be the real deal.

However, Superman isn't back to love Lois. She isn't the one he wants. The one he wants is Doomsday.

And he'll go to the ends of the earth to find him.

Camden Fisher
Camden Fisher

He learns that Cadmus is holding his beloved killer and blows right past Cadmus defenses. Defenses like the pew pew laser guys who's lasers are fucking worthless.

Holy shit, a CD-ROM game on a cartridge! The future is NOW!

Thomas Nelson
Thomas Nelson

Superman demands they give him his sweet grey boy, but he is Superman no longer!

He is now CYBORG SUPERMAN, he's boring as shit!

Watch how he uses his cyborg powers to open a vault when Superman could just use his super-strength to pull the door off it's hinges! Cyborg Superman doesn't even come close to the amazement needed to be a cybernetic Superman.

Caleb Cooper
Caleb Cooper

Cyborg Superman takes his big grey man meat to space, commenting how Green Lantern could've atomized Doomsday, or Martian Manhunter could've pounded him to dust. DC has already forgotten that neither hero was there when Superman was being beaten to death. I also think Martian Manhunter was locked into the form of a nigger.

Also, Cyborg Superman said he was going to destroy Doomsday's body, but apparently he's merely content to tie him to an asteroid and throw it into space.

Jose Martin
Jose Martin

Seriously, he could've just thrown Doomsday into the sun and saved himself all that effort. Really, he said he was going to destroy him, and it's hard to survive falling into a mass of gasses undergoing nuclear fusion.

Cyborg Superman gets back to talk to Lois. He apparently has Super-Amnesia caused by half of his brain being fused with a toaster. Super Shades also has Super-Amnesia, so already Cyborg Superman is getting superfluous. So Lois hauls his ass to Doctor Hamilton's lab to get testing to see if he's Superman or not.

Note, Lois hasn't done this for either Super Shades or STEEL.

Andrew James
Andrew James

THE TEST RESULTS ARE IN! CYBORG SUPERMAN IS THE REAL DEAL! CALL THE JUSTICE LEAGUE AND TELL CYBORG HE'S FIRED!

Oh, and Doomsday's alive. Because of course he fucking is.

Gavin Garcia
Gavin Garcia

Stay tuned for the next exciting issue of REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN where we get to know the Cadmus clone fuck-boy who makes a real big show of how straight he is.

Landon Cooper
Landon Cooper

Oh, and here's your Cyborg Superman poster.

Austin Baker
Austin Baker

The Man Of Tomorrow!
Connected to a bunch of old ass computer cables

Can't wait to hear about Cyborg Superman's super fast dial-up internet connection.

Cooper Peterson
Cooper Peterson

Thank you so much for storytiming these. It's a lot of fun to re-read them.
Steel is best replacement Supes

Nathan Smith
Nathan Smith

Whenever Cyborg Superman talks, I'm imagining his robot jaw jabbering like Skeletor's.

And now you are too.

Jordan Evans
Jordan Evans

And this is why I like Shades Superman. Cool design, unique powers..a nice story opportunity with "What if Superman lost his connection to his humanity but still a hero" without going to the old jackbooted Regime Superman that modern takes like to go with.

Superboy is a close second. With John Bryne rebooted Superman with him never being Superboy, I am interested to see how a Teenaged Superman would do..and really, poon hound Superboy is best Superboy..not the broken emo boy we got from Young Justice and Nu-52.

Jason Richardson
Jason Richardson

Thanks user.

Dylan Johnson
Dylan Johnson

Oh boy, it's time for Superboy THE METROPOLIS KID, which is a name that sounds like it would be whispered at gay bars. The Metropolis Kid is also the most baffling, name wise, of the Supermen. The other Supermen are based on various titles for Superman. Shades Superman is "The Last Son of Krypton", Cyborg Superman is "The Man of Tomorrow", and STEEL is "The Man of Steel". Where "The Metropolis Kid", or hell, "Superboy" fit into this is beyond me.

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #501 starts with just crime everywhere. People stealing cars, destroying property, engaging in attempted murder, all in broad daylight. I often think that Gotham has a pretty shit police force, but apparently Metropolis's police force straight up doesn't exist.

Jaxon Cox
Jaxon Cox

So Superboy's introduction is grabbing ass, stealing some guys "nineties as all fuck" sunglasses, and forcing a kiss on a woman. It doesn't feel very "teenager" to me. Not enough "fuck you dad" and "nobody fucking understands me GOD!"

Meanwhile, with the dock dwelling poor, an old lady threw a sack of puppies off a pier because she didn't know Bibbo was bringing food. We were just having too good a time with a bunch of Supermen running around, and we forgot that this is a fucking nineties comic.

Benjamin Lee
Benjamin Lee

Do you know what I want out of my Superman comics? Dead puppies. Fuck this comic.

After being reminded that life fucking sucks, Superboy makes himself at home in the Daily Planet's offices and then has the fucking GALL to assault our eternal pal Jimmy Olsen. Fuck this comic even harder.

Jayden Harris
Jayden Harris

Whoa, not cool Superboy. You can just kidnap women and strand them on the tops of buildings simply because you think they're hot. Women gotta be woo'd. I swear, this kid is just one boner away from going to Super-Jail.

Lucky for him, the woman turns out to be a reporter for a news station that's competing with the Daily Planet. They need Superboy as an exclusive! And this pisses Lex Luthor off so much he busts his television with his beatin' stick.

So the station sets up Superboy to bust Steel Hand! You know, Steel Hand, the villain from Mister Miracle #1 (1971)? Boy, DC was really using every part of Jack Kirby's corpse.

Christopher Thompson
Christopher Thompson

BOOM! Lots of booby traps! Looks like Superboy is a bit over-his-head, and not as invulnerable as he wants people to think he is.

Holy shit, take a look at those comic prices for a moment. Uncanny X-Men #248 sold at $25 an issue! Harbringer sold at $75. Comics in the early nineties was a fucking nightmare!

Carter Wright
Carter Wright

Steel Hand wrecks Superboy's jacket, so Superboy wrecks his ass! Superboy's whole presence causes Lois to call Ma Kent to talk about what a shit-ass punk kid he is. However, I feel the writer doesn't have a good grasp of how Superman was as a kid back in the Silver Age. Silver Age Superboy almost killed a guy because he thought he was faking.

Later, it turns out that Superboy didn't actually handle it alone. He had unseen help from his dad THE GUARDIAN! It turns out Superboy isn't grounded and doesn't have to come home right away! However, now that I think about it, where does Superboy sleep anyway?

Isaiah Nelson
Isaiah Nelson

As evil corporate businessmen do evil corporate businessmen things, Luthor is fucking pissed that Cadmus cloned Superman. Like probably going to murder a guy pissed.

Sorry Lex. Maybe you should've thought of it sooner.

Nathaniel Sanchez
Nathaniel Sanchez

As you enjoy your Superboy poster, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Super Shades meets Guy Gardner, and the experience fills Super Shades with revulsion.

Jace Clark
Jace Clark

And this is where I don't buy that Superboy's DNA came from both Superman AND Luthor. Luthor didn't even know about Cadmus cloning Superman until this issue.

Easton Bailey
Easton Bailey

Oh shit Chaos is invading

Ryan Cook
Ryan Cook

That's because it's the purest of fanfiction.

Landon Brown
Landon Brown

Nice plot convenience not just throwing Doomsday into the fucking sun.

Blake Murphy
Blake Murphy

I enjoy that Superboy poster very much, thank you.

Bentley Garcia
Bentley Garcia

/cuteboys/index.html

Hunter Scott
Hunter Scott

Take another look at the poster, champ.

Kevin Long
Kevin Long

Did you guys miss Guy Gardner cause' I didn't. He was a massive ass all during The Death of Superman and Funeral for a Friend, but apparently DC really wanted to push the shit out of him.

Action Comics #688 opens with him reading stolen magazines and bitching about uppity broads who get made when you steal their magazines. Of course, to get to that you have to wade through the fucking sea of pointless thought bubbles that Stern always dumps in his comics. JUST LET THE FUCKING ARTISTS DO THEIR WORK, STERN. I DON'T NEED TO READ HOW THE STAND OWNER IS PISSED WHEN I CAN FUCKING SEE IT.

Anthony Diaz
Anthony Diaz

Super Shades busts a safe-cracking and fucking BUSTS ALL THE BONES IN THAT CROOK'S HANDS! Super Shades is hard on crime, ALL crime! May his suffering serve as a lesson to all those who seek to break the law!

I should start a Roger Stern drinking game. Take a shot whenever there's a thought bubble from some character that's irrelevant to the story. The nurse should put us at four shots so far.

Julian Davis
Julian Davis

Lois meets Cat Grant after interviewing Fingers Frank and starts thinking about hiring Batman to find out if any of those super-fuckers are actually Superman. While talking, they catch a bit of a TV program featuring dick-weed Superboy and Cat Grant gets a thought bubble. Take a shot.

Not only can you get Werid Wrestlers for only $7.50 (+$2.50) shipping, but they're fucking collecting Sword of Azeral, which is a fucking crazy fun comic with dwaves and fat naked demon worshipers. You guys should check it out when you get the chance.

Adrian Gray
Adrian Gray

Super Shades gets home from a long day of bringing justice to evil-doers, turns on the TV, and is just about to settle down when he finds out THERE ARE A BUNCH OF JERKS CLAIMING TO BE SUPERMAN! He will find out everything about these fakers and if there's villainy afoot, he will end it!

Meanwhile, Maggie Sawyer gets a promotion, and they drop in the fact she's a lesbian. The whole scene just reminds me that the early nineties was the golden age for police procedural shows.

Back to actual superhero comics, Super Shades is drawn to a fire, but it turns out it was Guy Gardner all along! He apparently wants to kick Super Shades ass … for some reason.

Ayden Robinson
Ayden Robinson

Well, turns out Guy was an idiot, as always. No one messes with SHADES SUPERMAN without getting pounded into oblivion. He even punches Guy so hard that he lands at a place Super Shades wanted to investigate just so that Super Shades can punch more guys.

By the way, I consider nearly all of Guy's pointless thought bubbles to qualify for the Roger Stern drinking game, so we're at twelve shots now.

Isaiah Rivera
Isaiah Rivera

As Super Shades beats the shit out gang-bangers who DARE use guns in his city, Guy realizes something about himself. The way Shades throws his punches, how his big, powerful muscles tense before the blow. Guy finally embraces that he's gay.

Gay for Super Shades.

Ethan Wood
Ethan Wood

As Metropolis questions his actions, Super Shades watches Guy Gardner gush all over his man-crush on television. That alone gives Super Shades a desire to change the way he's going about things.

As you consider buying an Atari Lynx, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where the Superboy tries to keep the STEEL nigga down.

Angel Edwards
Angel Edwards

Shame what they did to Guy. Dude's backstory was that he doesn't want to go down like his dad did, an abusive asshole so Guy went down the more compassionate route…until Englehart changed him to the Guy we know today.

Jordan Barnes
Jordan Barnes

Aw yeah, it's time for mother fuckin' STEEL.

In SUPERMAN: THE MAN OF STEEL #23 fuckin' gang-bangers are filming a video with a big-ass expensive camera to document how they're going to hunt down and kill STEEL.

Little do they realize that it's STEEL who's hunting them.

Luke Young
Luke Young

A bunch of shinanagins about Luthor getting the tape before the police for his news program and the White Rabbit wanting STEEL's metal hard dick in her.

Oh, and Jimmy hates that mommy Lois is seeing other people because Superman is dead.

Sebastian Stewart
Sebastian Stewart

Something dark and mysterious is coming to your mailbox when you subscribe to DC comics

You can't trick me DC.

Camden Moore
Camden Moore

Jimmy is a fan of Spin Doctors

Jimmy no.

Leo Foster
Leo Foster

Superboy shows up to bust some gang-bangers in the hood and promptly gets a helicopter pilot killed. Thankfully, the real nigga STEEL is around to save the day. Since all the other Supermen go around saying they're Superman, Lois asks him what makes STEEL think he's Superman, to which STEEL replies "Bitch, I didn't say shit about being Superman". STEEL grabs that dick-weed Superboy to lay down some harsh truths, and Superboy goes all "fuck you STEEL you're not my real dad!"

One of Luthor's goons shows up offering STEEL a meeting with the crimson crowned one who tells him where the White Rabbit is. I can't help seeing an "ew, stop touching me" look on STEEL's face when Luthor tries to be friendly.

Michael Young
Michael Young

Aw shit. Turns out the White Rabbit was some bitch STEEL used to lay back in the day named Angora, which is both a type of wool and breed of rabbit. She helped him developed the big fucking guns that are now on the streets of Metropolis, and she's still fucking hungry for STEEL's steel, if you catch my meaning.

But you gotta put the hood before the hoes. STEEL shuts her down and gets blasted through a window through a window for his trouble. Bitch be crazy.

Nathaniel Williams
Nathaniel Williams

Superboy's in the area and he proves himself a true bro as he tries to save STEEL from a burning fire. However, in the process, Superboy gets blisters. He might not be as invincible as he says. Either way, STEEL and Superboy might be forming a friendship, like Green Arrow and Speedy, or Green Lantern and Pieface. Meanwhile, now that Luthor's learned STEEL's true identity, he thinks he's gonna blackmail him. We'll see how well that turns out.

Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where we get WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS and Bill Clinton.

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