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I know that feel. What do you want to do?

Go to America for two or three months, Oregon, Montana, these areas, travel the oregon trail and stuff. Live the hollywood American experience and see how close it gets to truth. That's the biggest thing I feel like doing so far. I checked cost of living on West Coast and for tourist like me, it'd cost about 1.3k$ for plane ticket, 2k$ in motel/car/general groceries, 1k $ safety net and 1.3k $ trip home. At least. This would take years for me to gather and I fear that by the time I will have the means I will either lose interest or those places will be ruined. Like I hear San Francisco is filled with shit and as liberal as the city is, I'd still want to see it because might as well go 100% on that run. Will probably never have enough money to go to America again, so…

I also want to do other big life experiences, no matter how shitty because they are things you do only once and talk about for the rest of your life. Like travel on a transsiberian highway or travel across my entire country from easternmost to westernmost point with backpack only, sleeping in wilderness and the works. This is cheaper but it takes a lot of time, probably around two months, which I just cannot afford. But I think that life is also about small things like meeting people. I also can't do that. I'm busy for 8 hours a day with 3 hours commuting time. I go home and I'm tired, I want to rest. I don't know how to make acquaitances because of that lifestyle. Oh but what about the weekends you might ask. Well on weekends I want to relax with a beer. If I go out, then I generally am out for the entire day and probably entire night too. Sleep schedule is fucked and I'm inefficient in the next week due to chronic tiredness. I'm in a rut where I want to go meet new people but I can't and I don't know how. Well, I'm in a rut with a lot of things.

doesn't it ever come to mind that maybe we should just embrace the cyberpunk world that's coming, and that me and you are prophets of a world to come? a world where life goes by faster than you can say "anime"? where nothing is of value? where life is just a race to death? where we do nothing but consume escapist media and stop communicating with others? it only sounds grim, cold and inhuman, but what would future generations think of such life?

elaborate if you may

Idk, it is just what I saw eventual you will overcome your difficulty in the matter.

It has kinda been that way for a while now, user. Nostalgia is not a recent word and I wholly accept the rat race to death, at least for myself. I'd rather have a chance of doing something amazing rather than withdraw from life completely like hikkis, but I know how they feel. It's just that I wish maybe if people around me and the things I was into years ago did not change as much as they did. Iphones? Phones are for calling. Facebook? As a kid they told us not to give our personal info online. CRT screens and red eyes after playing TA. All these chan-related things and drama. Hell, even the exodus happened 3 years ago. Do you remember that? Three years ago, user. That's about 160 weeks. I'm in my mid 20s and I feel like somewhere I lost the world who just kept going. I feel like an old man trying to use the computer at all the things I see now both online and in real life.

Magic user, I can't get motivated. I wake up, lie on the floor with the computer, eat, and sleep. My job means nothing. I can't feel towards other people. I've tried. Nothing. What do I have to do? Where can I find the spark that'll make me care again?

What do you want out of it?

Purpose. Not feeling tired all the time.

Sorry to hear that, bro. What kind of work do you do? You have any people you can be friendly with there?

Can relate to the fucked up sleep schedule, but I'm a NEET right now so it doesn't affect me so much. Gotta find a job soon myself, but there's fuckall to do beyond mindless brain killing work. I'd rather not get stuck doing that again.

What do you eat, and when do you go to bed? Btw, these are mundane question that do not require readings.

My sleeping schedule has been varrying for the last few months. Food-wise, that's also been getting loopy. I'm either disinterested in food or else I binge. I use to cook but it just stopped mattering. Currently, banana for breakfast, hard boiled eggs for dinner. When I cooked, I made meat with asparagus and rice. Everything's so expensive, tho. Cooking feels like a hassle.

Don't we all? But only you can help yourself with that one. I'm in the same spot. You ever took the time to really think about what it is that you want?

I keep trying, but I just can't come up with anything that isn't just a fleeting curiosity.

I want to be less autistic and connect with people more, but I tend to be apathetic towards most people. I want social gainz, but I hate pretending to be someone I'm not. I know if I want to experience love I have to be more charming and outgoing, but what I truly want is to find my waifu and have her as a sole companion in my quiet tranquil life. I feel like the only way to find this person is through the guise of someone I don't want to be, and I'm conflicted.

That's what I'm dealing with.

Will my lawn ever be the greenest in the neighborhood?

You need to travel more, maybe not far but just go some where, and interact.

Yes

I'm doing my PhD that requires me to make my own experiments in labs and do the thesis writing/publication reading at home in my spare time. It also includes passing annoying classes AND hosting lab classes for students during the semester on top of that. Then I have to defend my thesis every now and then. Of course I have work colleagues but they're not friends. I can't tell them how I really feel sometimes because it would make things awkward with my CHA -20 and/or hurt my career later due to workplace drama. I do have a friend that I knew for the last decade but you know. Sometimes you want to meet new people, even for a night. Maybe a girl even just to talk to some pretty face. Of course I can't do that due to aforementioned reasons. You know, at least it's not "mindless brain killing" work. I don't know your credentials, but have you tried this programming meme job where you design people's websites or apps for local businesses like restaurants and stuff? I heard you can work out of home, but you need to present your portfolio on things like github to have any credibility.

Will it ever get better?

...

And who are you?
Most people I hear that managed to gain more social skills just forced themselves into social situations. I don't know how they manage that without and friends to tag along with though.

Welcome to the club, broheim. There are still a few things that are on my mind though, but because of failed attempts in the past I've become rather cynical about wanting to try something again. When I used to go to the gym I really liked working out and just lifting weights. It's simple and rewarding, so maybe I could do something with that. I don't know if I'd have to go through the education system again to properly learn about nutrition and whatnot though. Don't know if I want to bother with that again.

I also wanted to join the army ever since I was a kid, but never went through with that because pressure of parents. Been keeping it as a kind of "last resort" option.

This shit requires some heavy self reflection, hope you can figure shit out eventually.

You're a pretty smart guy then. Sounds tough to juggle all that shit though. I have no idea what that's like so I can't really suggest anything helpful. Sorry.
Do you talk with your friend about stuff like this?

My credentials may as well be non-existent. I got a certification for security work two years ago, but I don't have a drivers license which is basically a standard requirement, so no experience to speak of.
I actually tried self teaching the programming meme but it went nowhere. I don't got the discipline to stick with it or not burn myself out from taking in information all day.

Sure, user. What else would you like to hear?

I'm fairly capable of doing it. I can pretend I'm normal on a superficial level and look socially competent, but I just don't really enjoy it. Obviously the answer is to B_MYSELF but I just don't really like the thought of being "that guy". I zone out a lot thinking about philosophical esoteric nonesense, and when I'm not thinking about that, it's probably guns or anime. I have a few good friends, so I'm not lonely. That's why I don't ever get out much, and can't really find a good balance between meek/quiet and assertively autistic. I've considered the idea of assertively and unapologietically being myself, but I'm certain treating everyone like expendable insectoid ramblings receivers will backfire somewhere down the line. I also tend to value harmony, and being myself at the expense of domineering the social atmosphere is disagreeable. If I'm one-to-one with someone I usually don't care at all, but at work or multiple person social functions, I become much more self-aware.

Reading this post all out now, I sure feel even more autistic.

Will I ever be able to get over her?

Yeah I talk to my friend about everything but ultimately we're from two different worlds. He's a bartender and I'm a protoengineer and it's really bizarre how we're friends even. Two different worlds, but I guess we found tolerable zone with each other and that's cool. People you can count on, how many can you meet like that? The average from my life would put it at less than all the fingers on your hands by the end of average lifespan. I mean, of course being that we're friends we talk about stuff like this. He also has similar problems. I honestly don't know why I can't go out with him to meet normalfags on one friday or something. We meet every other week for our own movie night and game nights and stuff but like hardly go to new places. I don't know why, it just kind of evolved that way. We talk about going to events or places, even recently, but I am kind of chickenshit about these because like I said, schedule. I feel like my autistic need to have a plan ahead always puts me back and makes me fear for trying new things. Now I say I will do them but when it comes to the day I will fear that I will mess up everything and be in a constant shortage of time after that. Maybe it's because every time he invites his friends over I act like a quiet alcoholic autist and lose confidence when no one takes interest in me even though I kind of do try to take interest in them. It sucks being strangers with everyone but everyone else knows each other well.

Also with being a NEET I don't know if you know that you kind of "get in the zone" when learning shit. Lots of resistance at first but if you stay at it for an hour or something you might eventually get mildly, not passionately, into it. It gets easier. have you tried another meme jobs like local trades?

It takes time, but yes. It'll always hurt a little, but you'll remember her less and less often.

How will I do in my line of work in the next five years?

only if you step on the gas real hard

Like what? Is time really that much of an obstacle? Can't you just make some free time, even if you have to sacrifice something else for it, and do stuff you want? If you keep worrying about losing/wasting time while being stuck doing nothing (or at least not something you want to do) you'll come to realize that that inactivity ended up being a bigger time waster than anything else. Speaking kind of from experience.

Can't say I've experienced that. My problem with learning something in my own free time is that I get too absorbed in it. I take in too much information trying to learn something as fast as possible, making it so that half of it doesn't "stick". Eventually leads to me burning out.
Nope, though recently I saw some application for something like that. Some kind of apprenticeship that'd get you paid while in training, but it'd take two years of my life for something that I have no interest in other than to make money.
Doesn't seem like a good idea to pursue something like that, but then again what do I really know?

Recently there was this event-party thing for misfit subcultures. You know, edgelords with trench coats, punks 30 years too late. Oh wait, make it 40 now. Thanks, time. Grungefags nostalgic for 90s. This type of deal. Ultimately I didn't go because I was pissed with my results from the lab that is hard to get to even during the summer. Decided to have a drink to cope. Several times in a row. Then I realized it was the day of the event and I didn't want to go shitfaced like I was. I have bad experiences with being drunk in public, like verbally assaulting three immigrants on a bus alone at midnight, which almost ended in a fight. And trust me, I know. I know that ultimately I lose time by my undecided bullshit. I know it's a problem too. It's just something I don't know how to get over yet. Personal journey type of deal I think.

As for learning, you kind of describe how learning looks like. Always. There is no such thing as reading something once and understanding it from beginning to end. That's why I suggested trades or programming, because these are hands on. Generally program is made in such a way that you can write a code from any lesson and see it work and change it ad-hoc. You have examples and everything. But yeah I guess if you are self-conscious about it you will get burned out. As for the apprenticeship, I guess you could take it. I mean you are still young now probably so if you do get the skills, you will have something to put down on your resume. Nobody will want to hire a 40 something dude for an apprenticeship. However if you duke out these 2 years you can work temporarily with your own company or periodically seek employment locally as you see fit or something.

And re: is time big of a deal. Yes it is, because I am busy for at least 11 hours monday friday so I want to make the best of the time I have for myself. This leads to fears of spending it badly and results in me not spending it at all, wew. One day I will figure out this paradox.

You're definitely not the only one struggling with it, that's for sure. Reminds me of a friend of mine who keeps 'bugging' me about coming to concerts with him. I don't have the money for it as I'm NEET, but I suppose I should take him up on his offer once I do. Might be a good opportunity to do some socializing of my own.

And the learning part, I guess it really does come down to being self-conscious. Once I realize I didn't get everything first try it makes me feel… Inadequate, I guess? I don't know what word to use for it precisely, but a kind of feeling of futility washes over and in the end I just drop it.

Hope you at least enjoy your lab work.

I guess I should keep the apprenticeship in the back of my mind. It does seem like a somewhat decent "short-term" solution.
Going to head to bed now, it's fucking late. Was nice to put my thoughts in order for a bit.

Will I ever discover my true passion and pursue it?

It's nice to lay out thoughts somewhere, true. Brighter tomorrow to you too, user.

How to build a bank?

How can we secure the existence of our people and a future for white children?

Will I ever be happy in a stable way?

How many people can you stab before getting shot or incapacitated?

Fifteen I think

Can you teach other people to do that and never actually do it and still feel the sensation of accomplishment without actually doing anything?

Why is existence so parasitoid?

I would hire you.

Why don't I feel lonely in any way except longing for a love long past?

Kill yourself then go back in time and meet that person in the same day you met her the first time, even if it was in another context.

Maybe in the next life you can do it right!

Just confirmed this works. Would recommend.

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