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What, do you have a house or something?

Nigger being homeless sucks. I lived that life, its all about grandmas house now nigger

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i can identify with this feeling

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but at least I have a room. The closet is full of her shit but the room is clear

nobody deserves that.

do you feel weird fapping there?

Not at all, also before I lived in this room my uncle did for about 30 years doing exactly what I'm doing now.

what kind of porn? if its niggers, please dont say it was niggers.

Kratom and cannabis have helped immensely

My GF was a girl so the kind of porn where a girl gets fucked.

She was white

Another thing that sucked is that we lived right down the street from the armory in SF (kink.com hq) So i walked by all the time

I used to taste her pussy at night for lube. It was a mess

I have a job that drug tests me. i even had to do a hair drug test once. i envy people that can freely do drugs.

its a weird depressing feeling making my own money, it all instantly disappears due to past money problems, no place of my own, no escape except killing myself or slowly getting through it.

jesus christ

i assumed you are both white. youre on Holla Forums. I was talking about the males in this porn. I have no idea how anyone could put up with knowing your girl is fucking someone else especially being in porn. what a nightmare

It doesn't escape me that I'm blessed now. People think living with grandma is terrible but its the best thing in the world. My grandmother owns this house and doesn't work so i don't have to feel guilty, she isn't supporting me. I can live here indefinitely if I choose. I have a massive salvia garden out back and produce, I stay high on kratom 24/7, constant nod. I spent 18 to 23 working and paying for stupid shit for a GF and rent. My only escape at the time was my xbox 360. TBH even though my grandma is a hoarder, I like my life better this way.

Well I only sought out one scene a friend told me about to verify the rumor, I didn't go farther because I tear myself up and get crazy over that kind of shit.

It was a complex mental process that went from beta to phaux alpha to beta. In retrospect I can criticize my behavior at the time as harshly as I could a stranger, I see clear as day what I did wrong. I was mentally sick

Now I stay indoors most of the time or work in the back yard. I have no idea what the rest of my life is going to look like and I live everyday like its my last. Im to depressed but I'm uninterested in life and people.

im to depressed

Maybe I am but I'm in denial about it or just can't tell because of the drugs. I was a ritalin kid so the reason I was interested in drugs at first wasn't to numb but to feel because my plain state was numb thanks to the ritalin. Maybe now its switched.

Its switched and I can't tell because i havet taken a break from drugs since I started. Even getting a security job in california is just a mouth swab once you have a guard card (which I still do and I renew but ill probably never use it again)

Ive drank too much and wound up talking to myself

The years where I should've been building my family I was wasting my time on a whore. I threw away my career and future over lamenting the transgressions of a whore. I was so focused on trying not to be alone I didn't notice I was ruining my life. I made bad decisions and now I can't turn back. I can see every key mistake clear as the moment I made them but I can never change them.

tell us the most interesting experience of your life, OP

I feel like this is the reason I quit life. Its like when you play a video game and make a whole series of mistakes that cripple your play through, you want to reset. I feel like I ruined my game and I want to reset but I can't. Im stuck

I was 16 and was sent to a rehab in los angeles county (van nuys). I went to a high school in panorama city for about a month before I ran from the program. I ended up being homeless on skid row in south central and met a big named gerome who got me hooked on crack. We panhandled together and smoked crack daily for about two months until one night we were walking down the tranny hoe stroll and a car pulled up. The driver motioned to gerome and he took off his shirt and instantly became a flamer. He asked me to hold his shit and after he got in the car and left I walked away down to union station. The next few days I slept across the street of union station and panhandled for crack money. One day I was asleep and woke up to some white guy digging in my pants and grabbing my dick. I pulled back and he looked at me and asked if he could suck my dick. I said no and he backed off. I didnt react, i went back to sleep. After about a week some old guy approached me and asked if I wanted a job. I said yeah and rolled up geromes sleeping bag and went with this guy. He was really old (not sure how old). He ended up taking me to a target and buying me new clothes, then he took me to get a haircut. Then after all that I shit you not he brought me to his families home to introduce me to them. (at the time I had shattered teeth from hitting a sink face first, one of my front teeth were black. I looked like the crack head I was.) He brought me right into his sons room with his wife in er pajamas on the bed and introduced me. It was intense in my head and they reacted as they should, suspiciously. They didn't call me out or really mention how weird the situation was but it was felt.

After that he brought me to an apartment building he owned and gave me the skinny on a couple that was living in his apartment. It was an obese guy and girl who basically lived on the bed and collected checks. The old ma told me he thought they were thieves so that night he entrusted me with 598 dollars in an envelope, because he thought they would steal it. I remember feinding for rock and the song take the money and run was playing in my mind. I ended up stealing the money and running from the apartment when everyone was asleep. I took a bus back to south central. First thing I did was look for crack. First guy Iran into said to give him a bill and he'd get it. He dipped around a corner and I never saw him again (-$100) I ended up coming up on an suv with a well dressed nig standing next to it. He asked me what I wanted and I said cabbage (crack) I gave him $200 and he gave me two handfuls of crack. I ran out of skid row like a mad man. The next day I bought a greyhound ticket to seatlle. By the time my bus got to the station the next day I still had a large amount of crack and a metal pipe and brilow. I packed my crack in my metal pipe but that was a mistake because they were using metal detectors. I ended up throwing away about $100 worth of crack with that pipe. Over the next 3 days I slightly detoxed on the greyhound. I had bought a CD player for the ride and a tom petty CD. I listened to you don't know how it feels on repeat almost the whole ride. I got to Seattle and ended up spending the rest of my cash on more CDs drugs and booze. (not crack)

The first night I spent in seattle I met a heroine addict and stuck by him. I smoked us both out with the rest of my stash and he put some tar on my rock. That night we walked around and I did his hair for hours with a fork in a store window. After a good amount of time being a degenerate next to pikes place market I ended up getting arrested shoplifting from a safeway. I told them I was a minor but the warrant I had was limited to california so they sent me to a runaway shelter.
At te shelter they took everything I owned and gave me socks, yellow sweats, and a yellow short sleeve shirt. While at this place I met a girl named cece and a guy who's name I don't remember but he swore he was a werwolf as well as one more girl who had giant tits no bra and I don't know the name. We all ended up running from that place together and cece (she was 14) led us to an appt building she said she new the owner of. Once we were there a white guy let her in a back door and we al sat down inn a stairwell. He pulled out crack and we all smoked. Werwolf(17) had never done crack so cece shotgunned it to him. (blew the smoke in his mouth). Long story short the girl with the big tits left our group to go home and cece werwolf and I panhandled until we got money for a bus to tacoma. (It was raining and I was still shoeless in the home wear.) We got to tacoma by nightfall and ended up getting into an abandoned house. Cece told werewolf to go to 7/11 to get food with the rest of the money and while he was gone I lost my virginity to cece. Once he got back cece recommended a threesome. I said okay and we all laid on a old mattress. At first it was okay but then I felt a hand on my dick and it was hairy. I jumped up and said they could go on but I was finished. I went to take a piss and as I was doing so he said something along the lines of "so you just want to be a whore?" and she freaked out and got dressed and stormed out. Before I followed her I asked if I could have the monster he bought and he literally growled no.

We ended up hitchhiking along the 5. Some guy in a pick up stopped for us. He said he was on his way to SF and could bring us to portland (our destination). We get in the car and he starts telling us how his wife left him and he's starting over as he's drinking a beer. He asked if I can roll and I say yes. He motions for the center console and I open it and grab the green and the papers. I roles a nice joint and we all smoked. He ended up buying us burger king and even renting us a hotel room just outside of portland. A lot of things had happened between cece and I in this time and I was getting sick of her fast. The reason we went to portland was because she said she new people. We eventually reached the max train from our hotel and took it to downtown portland (pioneer courthouse square).

The very first thing that happened when we got off the train is some white guy on a bike did a double take at cece and at the top of his lungs pointed at her and yelled "that bitch is a narc!"
That sowed a new seed of suspicion but I'm not gonna go into that, its too complicated to type out. I would be better off speaking it.

By the end of the night cece had introduced me to a whole motley crew. One person stood out however, her street name was elmo.
She was a white girl about 5'7". Her breasts were b to c cup with perked nipples pointing slightly up. When I first met her she was wearing pajama pants and a hoddie zipped up with nothing underneath. The first night I was there i went to safeway and stole 2 gallons of wine. That night a whole group of us guys and girls got together and drank the wine. The girls in the group started brandishing blades and eventually worked there way to cutting me. My arms were cut to ribbons and I still bear the scars. The entire group drank from my arms and it was the strangest and most comfortable experience of my life. After the main attractions I was able to pull elmo aside. She sat on my belly and I slowly reached my hands up her hoodie. I cupped her breasts and noted how much more attracted I was to elmo that cece. I realized I hated cece in that moment. I put my fingers in her and took the time to feel her. I kissed her mouth and nipples and felt a warm fuzz in my body. I never wanted to be away from elmo. Much different that the fucking I gave cece.

A lot happened. I fell in some kind of love, I fell off a bridge, I got cellulitis and almost lost my leg, One of my group attacked a shelter worker with a machete over a bed and I was eventually arrested and extradited to California, I haven't seen elmo since nor do I know her real name. I left out A LOT of detail because it would take way to long.

Now that I'm thinking about my past I'm wondering why I let myself quit. I used to be alive, I used to feel things and meet people.

I wish I could go back knowing what I know now. I wish I learned elms name. I know the way I depicted it is so mundane but when I experienced these things in my young life it affected me so deeply.

Oh I forgot to mention that that last time i smoked crack was in Seattle I never did it in portland and haven't since. I wish I could really relay the whole story, it was a very transformative time in my life.

Jesus, Im sitting in my room drinking Johnny Walker talking about my past to nobody. Im tubing my eyes, they are hot. They are red from the drink. Isn't there someone else out there that isn't a faggot looking for white friends?

tubing=rubbing

calm down…it's all going to be okay
i have no idea how you feel. i walked a much more straight path in my life, but the future is ours. it's alright.

good read. you should consider writing it all down

then jamming it waaaaaaaaaay up your ass